my girlfriend needs a beard for work

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by outoftowner, Jun 26, 2015.

  1. outoftowner

    outoftowner Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    My girlfriend works for a Private school in a conservative part of the country. She's in the closet there, but out to her friends and family. She's been publicly single for a few years at work. Now there's a witch hunt for gays, so she's feeling pressure to get a beard. Her school is a quite social place with multiple busybodies. I understand the situation. She's miserable. But this job is a financial necessity. How can i make things easier for her?
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I would get a higher education rather than a beard. It takes more energy to cover up than go to night school. Then the higher degree may help land her a job somewhere else. She can use the higher education thing saying that she is focused on herself. I mean, I would have been able to say to people that I prefer being single if being out meaning I have to stop eating, but I would not go too far to cover up. Getting someone else involved is a moving part of a cover up and make things too dicey.
     
    #2
  3. outoftowner

    outoftowner Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    Hmmm, totally impractical, and beside the point. A good-paying job isn't the issue. Neither is self-improvement. Glad you can afford your ideals. This is a problem Right Now. When you have mouths to feed and a mortgage to pay, this is the unfortunate game you have to play in parts of the country, no matter what the Supreme Court says. Private companies can make their own rules when there are no anti-discrimination LGBTQ laws on the books. So, back to my problem...
     
    #3
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Nothing to do with ideals. Just trying to mention an alternative cover story instead of involving someone else.
     
    #4
  5. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    67
    Is it possible to get a job in a different company?

    Involving a beard can be difficult unless he's her friend and is actually genuinely willing to do it because they are that close. Otherwise she can just say she hasn't found the right guy yet or just isn't interested in dating or whatever.
     
    #5
    Bluenote likes this.
  6. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2015
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    25
    Can't she just give you a male name and talk about you all the time? Or does the beard also have to make appearances at functions?
    Personally, I'd get my most flamboyant gay male friend to be the beard and have some real fun with it! See what kind of rumors they come up with then.
    Get some dirt on the witch hunters and be sure to report all this to the local television stations and newspapers.
    Fight for your woman and good luck!
     
    #6
  7. outoftowner

    outoftowner Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    Those are fun ideas. I wish she could pull them off. Her ex was the jealous/insecure type and chased her male friends away. The school she works for requires her to attend functions. To her school she's been single for a few years, they're getting suspicious. The witch hunt means the Powers that Be expect people to show up with a guy. This latest SCOTUS ruling was great: we can get married and she can get fired. There are no LBGTQ anti-discrimination laws in our state. We just have to deal. I'm supportive, this is a tough situation for her. Her kid doesn't deal well with new schools. As long as her kid is in school, this is Life As We Know It. Thanks, y'all, i need to be able to kvetch about this somewhere.
     
    #7
    Bluenote likes this.
  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Her kid is her best cover story. She is a doting mother and doesn't want to bring just anyone to the table and upend their lives. I know so many single moms remaining single for this reason. How is the kid handling keeping you a secret?
     
    #8
  9. outoftowner

    outoftowner Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    The kid isnt thrilled, but understands mom's job is in danger. She's played that card at work for 2 yrs. She works for a Catholic school. Their response is, "Your child needs a stable home with a father, and here's a nice single man." These people have become relentless. She has put them off and tap-danced as long as she can. I don't know what part of the country you live in, but the small-town Catholic South is full of well-meaning, judgey busybodies. At least I can vent here. I have to be supportive with her. She doesn't need more agita.
     
    #9
    Bluenote likes this.
  10. outoftowner

    outoftowner Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    And thanks for the ear. 20 years ago, while in and out of other relationships, there weren't forums like this. Even if y'all can't provide a simple cure-all, at least" ...you don't mind me bending your ear..." (Like Frank said)
     
    #10
  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Personally? I think that long term she is playing with fire. People are going to suspect and she is going to get fired / not promoted, etc...

    I know it's hard on kiddo, but I think that she has to get herself into a less precarious situation for kiddo's sake and for her sake.

    I don't think that finding a beard will help, because in a year or two the Catholics (I'm Irish Catholic) are going to want a wedding. She can't go on forever with a beard, if she can't go on forever single.

    The only long term low risk option that I see is getting a different job. Possibly moving to a different part of the country, but definitely getting a different job. Yeah, kiddo has had it rough, but he's going to have it worse if mom gets canned.

    I speak from experience here. I left my conservative hometown to go somewhere where I had equality. There were other issues (my parents sucked) but discrimination was a big part of me moving so far away. There were some really tough years, but I am really glad that I did it.
     
    #11
    Eloise and greylin like this.
  12. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    67
    I have to agree with Bluenote. I'm not American... but I am Catholic. I really dislike it when people use the bible to justify their ridiculousness.... but at the same time I would never disrespect the church. However those 'busy bodies' are probably cos it's a small country town, happens in every country town or in every ethnic circle for example. Not just cos of religion.

    That said, I agree with the long term. I would get her to change jobs or move to somewhere nicer and gay friendly. It's not fair for the kid to keep a huge secret, imagine the long term damage that will do or have an impact on him later on in life. For example even if he may not consciously think it now, in the future he could grow up to be this kid who is afraid of going against what society thinks, thinking that it's ok to be ashamed of who you are dating and your sexuality, etc. Saying that it's for the kid is a pretty terrible excuse in the long run.
     
    #12

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice