My girlfriend has been r**** today ...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by pRiSsOu, Oct 23, 2013.

  1. pRiSsOu

    pRiSsOu Member

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    Hey guys
    I'm writing today because I know you all are great listeners. And please forgive my english, it may be at his badest due to the circumstances. (I'm french)

    I've been with my girlfriend for a year and 3 months. We really really love each other. We overcame hard situations, and we are again facing one as I speak.
    In short, my girlfriend works in a commercial center. She told me on tuesday that she noticed a guy wandering about all day, looking at her in a weirdly way, passing in front of her shop. He was alway around like at lunch time she saw him, the morning etc ... So the guy was around all day on monday and tuesday.
    Let's face it, who in hearth goes twice in a row to a commercial center, all the day, doing nothing? I immediatly told her to go and tell the security, told her that it was abnormal. She said, "if he's here tomorrow"(wednesday), I'll go and tell them. He was there again, so she told them about the guy. Then everything went as usual, we texted etc I thought the security will watch him and just tell the guy to go away.
    And then, at the end of the day, like at 6 pm (she finishes at 5 pm) I had no news, usually i don't get scared because it takes her nearly an hour to go home. But then her best friend told me that my girlfriend had called her like a lot of times. I immediatly got scared, called my girlfriend right away. She didn't answer, but she texted "i can't speak, i'm with my dad", i was relieved, but that was not to last ... I thought the guy had just followed her but that she called her dad and that he was giving her a ride to the police or something.
    I asked if the guy had followed her, she answered a crying smiley. And I immediatly understood what had happened.I didn't want to believe it at first but she then said "i don't want to speak, it's not against you" Then it really came down on me what had happened. This asshole had raped her. She was getting home,he waited for her, parked his small truck just a little ahead of her as she was walking, went out, and pushed her inside and then did his dirty deed, she didn't even understood what had happened. Thank god he let her go. As soon as he released her, she called her best friend, and her dad as her best friend didn't answer.
    Why didn't she called me? Well i think we can easily understand why, she was really scared of my reaction , she told me a little afterwards things like"i'm sorry" "I don't want you to leave me", it really broke my heart. She's been raped and she's the one feeling guilty about it. Of course i won't leave her, I love her very very much.

    She went to the hospital, did all the exams, and she'll go to the police tomorrow to tell them the detail she wasn't able to tell them wednesday (because of the shock). She had bruises on her thighs, her shirt was ripped off, it must have been horrible.

    I can't begin to imagine how dreadful it must be for someone to be raped. I always shout when I see on the news those kind of events, things like "we should cut their p****"" It really is something that disgut me, I can't understand how you can go and ruined someone's life forever just because you decided it, what in hell does those people have in their minds? They're not human, they can't be. The good news, if we can say that, is that the guy will surely be found, because he made quite a lot of mistakes in his endeavour.

    I feel so much thing at the same time like right now all I want is catch this guy and fucking break his face. I'm sorry to be rude but what is there to say about this kind of person and those kind of actions? I don't think there's a word strong enough, nor in french neither in english to describe that. I also feel guilty, because i knew this wasn't normal, I feel like I should have insisted, like told her to ask her dad a ride home or something, tell her to tell the police. And then i'm afraid of my own reactions when I'll see her again (we live far from each other at the moment, like 559 miles), we never konw how we react when we really are confronted to things. All I hope is to be strong enough to help her trough this. I'm thinking about seeing a shrink, to talk about it. Help me process things, even if it didn't happened to me I guess it will have repercussions on me too, and I need to be at my best to help her!

    So if someone here has faced something like this and could tell me about it, how you "handled" it, or if someone as anything to say go ahead please.

    Thanks for reading if you managed to go that far ...
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear me, pRiSsOu, I am so terribly sorry. I know what you mean when you said that you wouldn't know how one would react until it has happened to you. I am pretty sure, if I were in your shoes I would want to go medieval on the low-life waste of space bastard.

    The main thing to remember is that this was a violence against her sense of independence and power. From that, I hope you put your feelings of violence aside and help your gf fight as smartly as you two possibly can. Don't believe for you and for her that this has ruined your lives forever. Don't give him more power than he has already tried to take. Don't revisit with 20/20 vision of what you shoulda, coulda done. She is a grown up and she did all the precautions she possibly could. You simply cannot insist more than you already had. She notified the right people to keep an eye on the guy. She can't have her dad take her to work forever. She has immediate concerns now for her life and she is no longer safe being alone because he might not want to leave a witness. If you discuss her situation, try to bring that up and ask what the police are recommending.

    As far as your relationship, please again, remember you need to make sure she feels that she can draw power and strength from you. Let her know that while you have many fantasies on what you would like to do to the guy, you want to focus on helping her through this. Ask her to let you know what she would like from you. If you can afford it and if she is amenable to it, try to go to her side and spend some time with her, take care of her and do as normal a thing as you can with her. Ask her if she would like you to go with her to counseling sessions. And oh yes, you can benefit from counseling as well.

    Most of all, you are someone she looks forward to being with. Tell her how much you love her, and teell her how glad you are that she is in your life.

    Big hugs and my thoughts are with you.
     
    #2
  3. Harpy

    Harpy Well-Known Member

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    Hey pRiSsOu,

    [Hugs] first of all.

    I went through something similar many years ago. Red flags went off in my head about a guy and I shared my concerns to her about him many times (this was an acquaintance of her's). The worst ended up happening and she was so scared to tell me. That made me feel terrible and still does to this day.

    You shouldn't feel guilty -- You were right in looking out for her and she knows that. Is a trip to go see her a possibility?

    The only thing I disagree on with Greylin about is expressing to your girlfriend what you want to do to the guy. From what I learned, and from the mistakes I made, your focus should be only on her. Don't bring him up. If she wants to talk about it/him it has to be her to do that.
     
    #3
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Harpy, thanks for helping clarify what I wanted to say. I did not want to advice the OP on describing what she wanted to do to the guy. What I meant was, (and I think we still differ a little bit) was for her to gloss over what she felt about the guy and say that she wanted to focus on her gf instead. Something like, "I have revenge fantasies but I don't want to think about them, I want to focus on you and your healing..." I think if someone did something so bad to me and my gf doesn't mention that she is angry at the person even once, I would find it odd. But yes, definitely I would not go into details about the guy or give it time unless she wanted to talk about him.

    Sorry for what you went through.
     
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