My gay story I'd like to share

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by dutchguy, May 25, 2020.

  1. dutchguy

    dutchguy New Member

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    Sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling. I was a little kid when I found out what a gay person was. Paul de Leeuw (Dutch tv-host) on television and a friend of my mothers who was a lesbian. Mom was always positive about it. "It doesn't matter if you fall in love with boys or girls," she said to my brother and me. But I had already decided that I would never want to become gay. I was 12 when I went to high school, it was clear what I said to myself: I am straight. Sometimes I had a thought in the shower, ‘maybe I am gay, imagine - stop’ I said to myself. I don't even want to think about it. My friends got girlfriends at school, I didn’t. I didn't fall in love. But I did make flirted with girls and we made out at the teenager dance parties. Not even reluctantly I liked it because it gave me confidence and I was part of it. The voice in the back of my mind came more often, maybe you're gay, no no no no I don't want to be. My image with a gay man had always been a feminine man with girlfriends. It was accepted, but it wasn't. I often heard in my surroundings and also from my parents that gays are okay but ''those extra feminine ones, I don’t like those’’. It scared me that if I was actually gay I would become like that. I notice now that I'm older, sometimes I see boys and then I think wow I liked them as a child but I suppressed that so much. At New Year I bought firework from Make a Wish foundation, with this firework rocket you could put a note in the top with your wish. Nobody was allowed to see what I put in it. It said: ''I wish I wasn't gay''. I guess I was about 11 years old. Then in puberty I fell in love with a friend from school. I hoped he felt the same way. After school parties we sometimes slept together but of course nothing happened there, although I hoped so. I never told him how I felt. The suppressed feelings gave me a anxiety, this became more and more over the years. After I was 16 I started to accept the idea that maybe I would be gay or bi more and more. Still, I remember watching gay porn for the first time and being ashamed. I thought no, I think I like this but I don't want this. I don't want to be gay. When I was at college I fell in love with a friend of the group of friends, with him I thought it might be mutual. Even at a party we kissed once, after which he said drunk that he doubted and was confused. And I was happy, a good friend who's going through the same thing. I was hoping we could discover this together. Unfortunately the next day the alcohol made him forget everything, when I told him and whatever he had said he said it wasn't so. It took him a year before he could talk about it. Eventually he admitted that he could remember it and that he indeed doubted it, but realized that he was heterosexual. Unfortunately I had to accept this from him as well. After a holiday I had met a nice girl with whom I had a connection, I wanted to have sex with her because I wanted to try it out. It was fun but I didn't think it was very special, because of that I only got more confused. The anxiety wasn't gone yet and it bothered me so much that I went to a psychologist. She helped me understand that anxiety can be a reaction of the body and in my case a reaction of all suppressed thoughts. When I went traveling in Southeast Asia. For the first time I didn’t give a fuck at what other people were thinking, When the time came I doubted whether I was bisexual or gay. It was weird, having told myself as a child and teenager so many times that I was straight, it was like my brain was telling me I liked girls but my heart was not. This made it difficult. Then I thought; this is the moment of my life to find out, nobody knows me here. While going out I listened to my feelings. Who do I find attractive, what do I feel when I kiss a girl and what do I feel when I kiss a boy. With a girl I feel at ease and it gives a kind of self-confidence. With a boy it felt hornier and I wanted more sex. In Kuala Lumpur I decided to meet a boy I met on tinder. I didn't think this sex was special so I doubted again maybe I'm not really gay after all. After this I thought for a long time and then I realized no I'm gay and that's okay. After this I was open about it for the first time with friends I met on a travel. Back in the Netherlands I told my best friend. This felt good although I have trouble with the coming out concept. Why would I say something like that like I have to apologize? It's nobody's business. Because of this thought it certainly took another year before I slowly told other friends. Now I'm 22 years old, last Christmas I told my parents, this didn't feel like a relief and I don't know why. Maybe I should accept it more myself, maybe I just hate the coming out concept.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for sharing your story. I think a lot of us have gone through the same type of internalized homophobia growing up. In your case, even your society is in full acceptance one could still feel loss in the belonging because we are still a minority and most of the love stories displayed and told in books and media are not about us.

    You are so brave in your self discovery. Sex and dating is a very vulnerable thing. It is also a vulnerable thing to have to talk about yourself. Coming out is an exhausting part of being a minority. It is telling people who would never feel what you feel about yourself and have to protect your feelings at the same time. Sometimes you might get someone who won’t accept you. Sometimes you might get someone who is straight but curious and hits you up. I mean it is hard to be treated differently once you tell someone. I think you are doing everything right on whom you start telling about this in your journey.

    I thank you again for sharing and telling us so we may also walk with you on this. *hugs*
     
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  3. Writer23

    Writer23 Well-Known Member

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    Your story is absolutely beautiful. At 22, you are wiser than most fifty-year-olds. The coming out part is difficult. In all truth, it is unfair that members of the LGBTQ,etc. the community has to announce to the world who we are. But life is unfair. Although the coming out part is difficult, the moment in which we accept ourselves for who we are is beautiful. In all truth, that is the hardest part. After that, telling the world can be a little easier. I love that you wrote, “I realized that I'm gay and that's okay.” You are at peace with who you are. In the end, that is all that matters. God bless you on your journey.

    Writer

    Ps.
    You should consider submitting your story to an LGBTQ magazine or journal. It can be cathartic for you and helpful to someone who is struggling with his or her sexual orientation. If you are interested in submitting, try submitible.com and look for magazines or journals.
     
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