My Confusions...Some Advice Please.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by rachel7, Aug 31, 2013.

  1. rachel7

    rachel7 Member

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    i am just new here though and i find pretty sure all of you can help me out on to this..

    i am age 28 already,lately i have been confuse on my sexuality.I know i am too old already to ask but then i want to hear what you have to say.I believethat i am straight beacause i happen to be attracted to men,dated some and had a relationship to some also.In my childhood days i am used to do some guy stuffs in our country and some of my neighbors and friends before call me lesbian because sometimes i walk like one and move like one too.But i keep on denying it because i don't want to be and in my raw mind i will not have to be.

    In my high school days i had a crush with my 3r3d year girl teacher.Before i only think that i just adore her but then at my fourth year i begun to like my english teacher again.I said to myself its just fine because i have also happen to have a ultimate guy crush and happen to be my bestfriend at that time.That ultimate crush of mine accidentally a gay also.He dress manly,speak manly and in manly actions too.That nver stop me to like and love him anyways,as in i accpeted it.And until now i have the feeling of liking to him but i better keep it because i now know he doesn't like gurl hahaha

    in my early twenties i have had 4 boyfriend and the last one was lasted more than three years.In that times that we are a couple i must say i loved him the first year but then came again this confusion of me.I easily get attracted to women honestly morethan i am attracted to men.I dunno if i am really a lesbian but then i am affraid to accpet that fact because my family won't accept it either and also my friends.

    After i watched some lesbian related movies i had confirmed myself that i am really gay and it keeps bothering me.I can't come out because i came from a family roots that can't accept this sitwation and in our country LGBT are not totally accepted.I don't have the courage to do so because i always think the possibilities and what ifs..My mom also want me to get marry soon and also that is my goal in life to have a family and children of my own.How can i do that now when i am encountering this confusion?What shall i do?Do i just let it be?
     
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  2. lost sheep

    lost sheep Active Member

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    It doesn't sound like you're a lesbian as much as being bisexual. I'm bisexual and develop crushes and feelings on both genders. The most important thing is not to do something simply because of family pressures and expectations. You'll only feel resentment and anger in the end. Just because you're bisexual/lesbian doesn't mean you can't have a family.
    And your age doesn't matter about questioning your sexuality. I'm 44 and questioned mine all the way into my midthirties. I now know I'm bisexual and am getting more comfortable with that knowledge every day.
     
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  3. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Hi, would it be possible for you to talk to somebody in your own country? Somebody who understands the cultural situation you are in regarding your decisions around expressing your sexuality? I think that might be helpful for you, an LGBT organization or a phone line you can ring or something? Is there anything like that where you live? What struck me about your post is how isolated you are with these feelings. Have you anyone cool you can talk to to help you figure it all out or even to just listen?
     
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  4. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Have you considered talking to that friend of yours who said that you used to be best friends with? He may be good to talk to since you already know him.
     
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  5. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Have you considered talking to that friend of yours who said that you used to be best friends with? He may be good to talk to since you already know him.
     
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  6. sarah21

    sarah21 New Member

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    My girlfriend didn't realize her sexuality until she was almost 30. There's this preconceived notion that all lesbians are born absolutely disgusted by the idea of boys, and if they haven't figured it out by high school, then college'll get 'em. Every path is different, and if I had one like yours, I may have been in the exact same spot. Many of us take advantage of our network of peers we had the luxury of being exposed to earlier on. Now. Please vote for my parody video so this broke lesbian can go to beauty school and be the next Shane. ha. http://woobox.com/ojuid8/vote/for/2683822 Seriously, THANK YOU!
     
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  7. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Can't seem to see your video. It took me to the fb page for the school.

    Looks like Rachael is gone... but others will see this.
    Lets see, some pre-teen touching with boys and girls.
    When a teenager, turned straight. Mostly of fear. But sometimes had thoughts of the same sex.
    20s = straight... but very little sex or relationships. 30s became more open with self, interacted with both sexes.
     
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  8. tlowe

    tlowe Active Member

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    Our situations are similar except I finally excepted I was lesbian when I was 34 years old. When I met my partner 4 months later, I knew eventually I would have to come out to my family because I knew my partner and I would be in a long term relationship.

    Also, I am attracted to men and women yet after getting really honest with myself, I realized I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman.

    The people in my family who need to know do know, but there are still others who don't.(not necessary)

    Who said you can't get married and have kids. There are so many Lesbian couples who are married with kids.

    Be true to yourself and whatever the outcome is as you get honest with yourself, follow that and if you end up with a woman take baby steps and eventually you will have the guts to tell your family when it becomes necessary to do so.
     
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  9. reamary

    reamary Member

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    Hi! I'm kinda in a similar situation. I'm 29 and I'm STILL not entirely sure about my orientation... Currently I consider myself bisexual, as I've had both male and female crushes, but that's about it. When I was in high school, I had a crush on a boy of my age, which lasted like, forever. At the time, I did also have some sort of a "crush" on a few of my female teachers, but I always considered that as me just "idolizing" them in a way. Well, at 19 I experienced my first real serious female crush. Nothing ever happened cause she was in a completely different league and she was also my superior at work and so on.. but that didn't keep me from imagining things happening. :D When I got over that crush after a few years, another few years went by without any crushes on anyone, and I wasn't really thinking about girls, nor boys. Before 2009, when I had my next crush, again on a woman. She was a fitness instructor at my gym and I fell SO bad for her... after 1,5 years of struggling with it, I finally came clear to her about my feelings and asked her out. But she was straight, so the outcome wasn't "pretty".... So, it then took another year before I started to get over her, and then I joined an online dating site, and went out on a date with a girl I met there. We went out three times, and she seemed interested in me, but then I somehow "panicked" or something and just wanted to get out of the situation, I think mostly because I wasn't feeling anything for her, and when we were on a date, I felt like I was out with a friend. And I also felt kind of shamed of myself... So another year went by and I didn't even want to think about relationships or anything. Before last summer, when I went on the online dating site again. I started writing with a few guys, and ended up on dates with them, but nothing more. I also went on a date with my former boy crush from high school last summer and I felt like we "hit it off", but then I never heard from him again, so that was the end of that story... Well, then I spent the fall in Canada, and had my third real lady crush on there. But again she was straight, so nothing would've come out of that either. I'm still FB friends with her though, and continue to have a little crush on her. :D
    Anyway, as I said I'm already 29 and have been on a few dates with guys and two girls, but that's ALL I've done, I mean, I actually haven't ever even kissed anyone. Part of it has to do with me being pretty "unsure" about myself, I mean in a way that I'm extremely critical over myself and my looks, and I very often have a hard time accepting myself, be it my looks or anything else about myself. So, here's the problem. I DO know that I like girls "that way", cause I've had four real crushes in my life, and three of them have been on girls, and they were STRONG crushes... but I do not know if the attraction is only romantic, or if it's sexual as well. I don't even know how to tell the difference, as I'm so inexperienced!! And I feel confused, cause I kinda would like to be with a man, I mean I kinda like the idea of having a husband in the future, but I don't know how much of that is because of what I feel is expected, you know? Cause at the same time, if any of my two former lady crushes now came to me saying they are in love with me and want to be with me, I would totally be happy to spend the rest of my life with them! :D So at the same time, I wish I found my own dream girl... It's just that the times I've thought that I'm sure that I like girls exclusively, I soon start to wonder am I sure, or "how can I know??". Oh gosh, this is so confusing I know...
    Congrats if you made it til the end! :D
     
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  10. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    @Reamary
    Yikes! Been there, spent my 20s doing quite badly in the dating... I didn't get much actions. When I hit 30, depressed that life is slipping away while seeing all these "cool young people" are dating / having sex / being in love. I opened my self to more mainstream things, I worked out & improved my diet to lose weight, I worked on improving my social skills as much as possible. And you can borrow such books from the library or get something from a book store. There is "Dating for dummies" as well as "sex for dummies".

    You need to get over your shyness first. You need to learn how to ENJOY being yourself in a crowded place. I sympathize that you haven't kissed anyone, I spent many many years not kissing myself and you are missing out. The first time I kissed my wife, it was !*!* FIREWORKS *!*! After all this time, kissing and touching each other is very... relaxing and sensual.

    The older you get, the more awkward I think it gets. So please get some books, go out there. Not every one you meet/date = life-time partner. And you SHOULDN'T look at it that way. Every one you date is a possible, but it must be a wait-and-see. Also when YOU DO start dating... just because you are seeing girl A, doesn't mean you don't also date girl B. In this modern age - assume everyone is dating more than one person... until an agreement is made. Nor should you demand that.

    I would like to advise you to have a wingman (especially if you may date a guy) and meet people in club settings. I had to drink a bit to loosen up in order to talk to strangers. Don't get wasted and be SAFE, okay. But I say, put yourself out there and let someone be in charge (a bit)... make out and have sex. I *DID* that. Not saying go out and be a total slut. I think that both men and women should be sexually free and equal. I hate guys can sex with lots of women and be "okay" and if a woman has sex with more than 2-3 guys in her life time, she is a slut.

    There are some aggressive lesbians out there... and I don't mean in the abusive/beat-you-up way. But they are forward and will seduce you. One of my friends loves to seduce "straight" women in the bathroom while their guy/date is waiting, sometimes she steals them out-right. Why do I recommend this? Because you are too shy to ask or move forward... you don't know quite know the signs of "yes, touch me".

    When I first kissed my wife, I did not ASK for permission. I didn't know her name. She was more shy than myself. And it was a great kiss. I still had things to teach her, to be herself, that she was sexy and has a kind and beautiful heart.

    If I knew you in person (And I *AM NOT* asking), I'd take you to a lesbian club, we'd drink and I'd give you pointers and show you how I interact with others. I have learned that I do *LIKE* meeting new and interesting people, straight, gay or lesbian clubs. I'm a bi-male. I've picked up women in Lesbian clubs (Damn, its been a few months since I've gone - missing some of the people I know), I've even picked up a lesbian wing-man and we both went fishing for girls. She was sexy and was 100% Lesbian, but we liked each other, having a good time and decided to team up... it was fun, different.

    By all means, I am being sincere. If you cannot talk to someone, ask them out, how are you going to ever get a kiss? Then sex? Then love? Sex is a very important part of "being in true love". Having sex with someone you LOVE is the best sex. By letting a woman seduce you (that you also find attractive), you will learn and she will teach you. There are good lovers out there and bad ones, and you need that experience to know what works... its hard to explain. But if you don't know what you like from another person, how would you know if you did? Or if its the right person? Hence, the stupidity of sex before marriage that thousands of young people do. That is when some find out they are gay (ooops) or incompatibility.

    Consider each date a learning experience (I hate the dating) good or bad. You'll learn things to do or not to do or say.

    When I first kissed my wife for the first time, her shyness was endearing even thou she was dressed to attract other women. She knew of me for months, had a bit of a "crush", it lead to sex that night. She "knew" it would be a one-night-stand because of the other women I was with, but that's fine. People do one-nighters... But we clicked... and I love her today more so than the first time I realizes I did love her. I don't say this to boast, I am tell you this so that YOU can see that you can help yourself. Join a gym, ride a bike, learn new make up and try new outfits.

    Last tip 1: Getting your heart broken *WILL SUCK*! It will happen. And each new serious relationship will be stronger than the last. So don't get too depressed and thing "I will never love again". And you won't ever be "in love" unless you are out there.

    Last tip 2: Dating sites are for getting laid... rarely does anyone really get a lasting relationship from them (two of my friends have, but both women meet to get sex). I've never dated anyone from online.

    Good luck!
     
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