My BFF is straight. But I think I like her.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Butterfly, Nov 12, 2013.

  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Member

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    Three weeks ago, my best friend, Kate, broke off an engagement with her fiance. She was going through rough times. I was the friend who was always there for her and tried to help her get through this break up as smoothly as possible. Coincidentally, around a week ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 14 months. And Kate's been there a lot for me too. We're in the same boat and so we've been helping each other out. That, and she's my best friend. The best. (We've even made out with each other one time, when we were drunk.)

    Recently though, Kate's been spending a lot of time with this new guy, Garrett, that she met online. Kate and I met up with him at the same time because she was too shy to meet him alone. For the week that we've known him, he's been apparently leading both of us on. And I was starting to have a crush on him. Yesterday though, Kate told me she and him were seeing each other now. She wanted to make sure it was okay with me because she knew I liked him too. Well, I suddenly didn't like him anymore because he seemed to be a player. Leading both Kate and me on at the same time?! What was he thinking? Kate and I are best friends...did he think we wouldn't find out? And what was she thinking? She's seeing him even though she knows he led us both on. I'm glad for her that she's found someone. I really am. I haven't seen her this happy for a long, long time. But does she not see that he'll just hurt her? Even then, I couldn't tell her to not see him.

    And I've been feeling confused these few days. It's not because I miss my ex-girlfriend. I'm still ignoring her messages and phone calls. I think it's because I have a crush on Kate. And I'm afraid that this new Garrett guy will take her away from me. It's already happening. She's spending so much time with him. And I just want to tell Kate that I like her. Not that that would do any good for me, since she's straight and would never see me that way I see her. So what should I do?
     
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  2. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: My BFF is straight. But I think I like he...

    Oh dear, Sounds like you are having a tough time.
    Well, I can't tell you what to do, but I can point something out. Oftentimes, when you break up with someone, your head goes into a spin. Your emotions are all over the place and you are having to make some big adjustments. There is usually a pretty big space left there where ur partner used to occupy. The person you tell ur feelings, your thoughts, your gripes and your funny stories to. That person you turn to is empty air because they are not there. You can still experience the absence of a person even when your glad the person who used to occupy that space is gone.

    So normally, we lean at this time. We lean on our friends, on our family...for a bit of support, for a listening ear, for someone to share life with. Sometimes, it's quite natural that we might want a bit more than that. I mean our family and our friends, most of them have their own lives and their own primary people, you are just getting a bit of them during that time. So maybe, you could start looking at someone in our life in a new light. As a potential partner perhaps. It's fairly common. And often in this situation, you might feel that need intensely. But it could just be that hole you are trying to fill. That absence of 'your person', and the insecurity that that brings...to be alone suddenly. Granted, you adjust to being single. But initially, it can be hard and the instinct is there to jump in and bring a new person into the fold. So...I guess what I'm saying is Watch out!. It could just be ur head messing with you. It could be a response to feeling alone. It could be a desire to move on. It could be about a thousand things that have all to do with you and little to do with your best friend. Could be, as opposed to is. Just be aware of that and maybe give yourself a little time to gather yourself. It is an intense time. See how you feel in a week or two.
     
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  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Member

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    Re: My BFF is straight. But I think I like he...

    @[user]Moses[/user] Thanks for the advice. I completely understand what you mean by wanting to fill a void. I've done that before and it didn't work out well. But I don't think this is that. Because even now, I still really want to be with Kate. Maybe more than ever before.

    It's been roughly two months since my original post. Kate and Garrett dated and they broke up after a month. We're all just "friends" with him now. But you know how being friends with your ex goes. She's still sad about it, and I think she still has hopes to be with him again, even though everyone knows it won't work out. Again, being her best friend, I was there for her when she needed me. A few days ago, she was crying and telling me about how "all guys are scum", to which I jokingly said that maybe she should try dating girls instead. Of course the next line that came out of her mouth was that her and I should start dating. I didn't know how to reply to that because I know she wasn't serious.

    Anyways, on top of all that, Garrett, Kate, three other mutual friends, and I, went to the night club on the weekend. At some point in that crazy night, Kate wanted to kiss me, but we had decided we weren't drunk enough for that yet, so we went to get a shot of tequila. After the tequila kicked in, we started dancing intimately and then ended up making out with each other. The problem with this is that she's doing it for fun whereas I actually have feelings for her.

    And the thing is that this has happened before. Kate kissed me when we were both drunk back in July. Yes, we were both not single at the time, but it was all in good fun. I never saw her as more than a best friend until she kissed me that drunken night. And I know a drunken kiss may not mean much, but how can you kiss someone and not think about it? I thought about it after sobering up and realized that she's more than just a best friend to me.

    But she's straight.

    Do you think it would be a good idea to let her know my feelings? Even if I know nothing will ever come of it? I just want to let her know that even though I love her, that we can still continue being best friends forever.

    Oh gosh, have I lost my mind? Should I tell her, or just let it be?
     
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  4. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

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    Re: My BFF is straight. But I think I like he...

    This is tough but I think you need to tell her how you feel now and don't drag it on. As your best friend, she cares about you and would only want you to be honest with her. When you decide to tell her, if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings back, in my experience, I would say take a break from her and try your hardest to get over her. It's really hard to get over someone when you are constantly talking or seeing them on the daily. If she really cares about you she's not going to get mad or not want to be your bff, she should support you and give you some space if you so desire. Just bite the bullet and tell her how you feel. Honestly, you just never know what could happen. Good luck!
     
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  5. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: My BFF is straight. But I think I like he...

    You know when you said you know how she feels and what she wants when she is kissing you, how do you know that? Are you guessing or has she said?
     
    #5
  6. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Re: My BFF is straight. But I think I like he...

    Ahem. As someone who is good friends with her ex's I would like to disagree that "that's how it all goes". However, we did have to have some time apart to be good again. I have no hard feelings that they dated other people after me, and one is even married with a kid and I'm really happy for them!

    But I digress. I think you should tell Kate how you feel. If you're afraid, you can just say I think we should stop drunk kissing each other because I think I'm starting to get feelings for you and see if she responds to you after that. Maybe she secretly has feelings for you. But if not and you two are really best friends and mature enough, you two can take a break to resolve those feelings.
     
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