My 'Best Friend'. Am I just being territorial?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by JessDon, Oct 20, 2015.

  1. JessDon

    JessDon Member

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  2. JessDon

    JessDon Member

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  3. JessDon

    JessDon Member

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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    tldr. I couldn't get through all of that.

    You didn't make your move and now she is really into this other girl. but they aren't exclusive. so either make your move, or sit back and forever keep your piece.
     
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  5. NewEyes

    NewEyes Member

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    Gill is possessive and jealous. If your friend is smart, she'd run.

    After a while, Gill will more than likely shoot herself in the foot. To be 30ish, and to be that threatened and only after a short period of time... I pity her.

    You need real space from that situation. It's not healthy at all. I know you love her, but she has to be left to figure things out on her end.

    Your friend is going to be jealous because she doesn't want to lose that closeness, but it strikes me as strange that you two had never made it it to a relationship stage considering you two acted like it. If she ever had plans on being with you, you'd think she would've had sex with you and went for you. Maybe it is this "intense female friendships" I've been reading about. There's a passion for each other, but beyond a platonic passion, there's not much of anything else. It is known to be somewhat toxic and when one of the friends becomes involved, the friendship doesn't last long after. (In some cases)

    Messy situation. I wish you the best.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I had to skim towards the end, it is getting past my bedtime.

    Your girl hitched herself to this possesive uhual case called Gill because she knows where she stands with Gill. She doesn't with you. Drunken anything is so messed up. Liquid is not courage and stop using anything as a excuse, including not wanting to be a homewrecker. Tell her you love her, how you want her, how she makes you feel, how wonderful she is and you want just her and you off to the sunset for the rest of youe life. Tell her that stone cold sober.

    If she rejects you then leave it and move on. You got to put yourself out there for what you want.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Your problem is that since October 2014, you've been in your head "in a relationship" with this girl -- and you're the only one who's known it. To her, you've just been a really close friend. You've never said anything; you've never made your intentions clear.

    You can't assume that someone else is thinking the same things as you are based on body language, kissing, cuddling, etc. It doesn't work that way. Some friends are touchy-feely...others are not. A kiss isn't a contract and cuddling doesn't mean anything more than friendship unless the people involved intend to have it mean more than a friendship.

    She likes having you as your best friend -- so I'm also thinking that she either: (1) prefers to keep you as an adoring friend -- nobody is that oblivious to the fact that someone might be into her; or (2) she really has no clue how you feel.

    I'm thinking it's the former. She wants you close without the relationship and without the sex -- else she would've made a move on you already.

    So you've got a choice: 1. put it out there how you feel and accept her response at face value no matter what it is or 2. don't tell her anything and leave everything at friendship only.
     
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  8. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear.The first thing I would say is ...dry out!Quit hitting the bottle.It appears to be making you too needy.Sober up and get a clear perspective on your situation.Give her space.Play at being aloof for a good 2 weeks telling her in all honesty that you are not in a good place right now and you need some time alone BUT promise to be in touch.When you are ready,be honest 1) about your sexuality.She's already dating a woman so she'll deal(hopefully). 2) tell her how you feel about her and don't forget to mention that by you telling her,doesn't in any way mean that you are disrespecting her relationship with Gill 3) now ......this part is for you.If your jealousy is overwhelming,tell her you just can't see yourself hanging out with her as friends while she shags Gill right under your nose(same room as you put it) 4) hang out with other people before these emotions for Claire (and Gill),consume you!
     
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  9. sallyseton

    sallyseton Member

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    I think you already suspect this, given how much back and forth you wrote on an advice forum, but there is some next-level disfunction going on in this relationship, and the game-playing is off the charts!

    My diagnosis: You are both more in love with the games you play with each other, the possibility of sex and a romantic relationship, than you are with each other. If you disagree with this, put it to the test. Tell her how you feel, that you want her to break it off with Gill, that you are ready to be together and be out and open about it, and do it while you're sober and actually vulnerable.

    My advice: Say something, get away from this relationship, OR keep playing these games where neither of you will say how you actually feel and you both try to hurt each other by making each other jealous and having the most hand. If you choose the last one, enjoy your misery!
     
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  10. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    A bit harsh,I would say.I don't agree with your 'games' analysis.These are people's feelings and its just a case of crossed-lines.I'm sure you've been there too!
     
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  11. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Look, you've told her how you've felt. Multiple times. Granted you were rather drunk, but I'm pretty sure she knows.

    If it will make you move on, sit down and tell her how you feel. If she rejects you (which I'm sorry but she has a gf and might likely do), then you can move on.

    Have you ever properly dated another girl before? Go on some dates. You don't know what's out there.

    As for this Gill woman, well let's just say as a 30 year old woman myself, her actions are pretty embarrassing and controlling.

    On the other hand I get what's happening, she's insecure and jealous. You guys have a very deep bond. Also you dont know what your friend has told her what went on between you guys.

    So give her some slack and take the high road. Be polite to her, ignore her rudeness. It makes you a better person. Whenever she is being rude, she'll look like a dick as you're not going to rise to the jabs.

    My advice is keep your opinions about the girlfriend to yourself and do not tell your friend. Great friendships have been lost that way.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Frazier, for once I don't agree with you but I understand why you think it was harsh. I don't think it was meant as a harsh thing about the OP.

    I think they were both playing games not to mess with each other but as knee-jerk avoidants to feeling vulnerable. I think Bff went with Gil in the first place because she did not want to test out lesbian sex on her bae and find out she didn't like it. She did not want to reject the OP. This would be quite simple if neither OP or BFF is so damn scared. They already feel what they feel, must as well go to each other and really talk about it. I could be wrong about the BFF, but hey, all she can do is tell the truth one way or another. So, Jess, your friendship will survive this either way. It will take time. Just live it, don't avoid it.
     
    #12
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2015
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  13. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    And most times I usually agree with you -- but I think you're looking at this with too much....intelligence for early twenty-somethings. If BFF was really into her bae, the line would've been crossed. I hardly think it had anything to do with the fear of not liking lesbian sex with bae.

    I feel like it's a...like situation..but nothing more than that. BFF and BAE are safe....and that's cool...but there has be more on both sides of the equation.
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Thanks, Spygirl, I could be wrong about the no testing sex on the bae thing, but it would not have been driven by any amount of clear thoughts or planning but just fear and not wanting to start a serious thing with bae. There are a whole lot of reacting and drinking all over but no sitting down and talking things over "intelligently". Either way, that kind of airing out is overdue.
     
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  15. sallyseton

    sallyseton Member

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    I've definitely been there! I didn't mean for my comment to be harsh, just kind of a wake up. But really, these games they're playing with each other could be brought to an end if one or the other of them would just put themselves on the line for a minute and be completely real. I know it's risky, but it's the only way you'll get out of this cycle (if you really want to get out of it). I don't mean to be mean. I think there is a real pleasure in the game playing and suspense that we can't deny. Shit, I'm in the middle of some of that myself! I was just trying to help pull the OP out of all the nitty gritty details and back to the big picture.
     
    #15
  16. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    @Greylin,@Spygirl,@Sallyseton,looking at the thread closely,I can see how the games come in.I only thought Sallyseton was a bit harsh at the end and I quote......"If you chose the last one,enjoy your misery...".Some people genuinely come to the forum for help and we don't want to put off anyone.Perhaps the two have not realised that they are playing with each other's feelings,hence my point of view as regards the disagreement with the games analysis.
     
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  17. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    I totally get where you are coming from and for sure you have nailed this one.At the end of the day,OP needs to get a perspective on her situation from every angle.I get it.
     
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