Moved in, now I want out

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Diana, Jun 12, 2016.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

    Aug 11, 2013
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    Dear all,

    Have you ever moved in with your significant other and soon regreted it? Because I am in this situation.

    We started dating in October, last year. Since we were both working and me also having classes, we only got to see each other on weekends, when I'll go to her place. Things were great, we were in love, the sex was awesome, we talked a lot, I felt like she was truly the one. When the weekend ended and I had to go back to my place, we were both deeply sad and we were already waiting for the next weekend.

    After a few months of seeing each other and me coming over to her place, her flatmate complained to the person who rented their apartment. She said that she is not comfortable with me being there and complained that my girlfriend didn't tell her that she is gay when she moved in with her.

    At my place things were not so great either. Moved in with 2 friends that did not care about me having a job and classes and needing to rest.

    As you can see, me and my girlfriend had to move out and since we did not see each other enough, we decided to look for an apartment together. We found an apartment that was really nice and cosy and exactly how we wanted it so we moved in. Things were great, we were both really excited to spend more time together.

    Now we have 3 months since we moved in and I feel trapped. Moving in together was great at first. We established rules and I told her that I also need time for myself and space and she said she will make sure to let me have my alone time. Except that...things didn't go this way. She was home at 3 pm after work and when I came home at 5pm or 10 pm (if I had classes- I'm on my first year of Master's) she wanted me to come sit in her arms right away and kiss her and all I wanted was to get out of my clothes, take a shower and eat. I would sit with her for a few minutes and then go and wash up and eat and then I'll take my laptop and try to watch a movie and relax...and she started to ask me to come sit with her, in her arms. I did that because I liked it, but after a while I felt suffocated by her constant need to have me right close to her all the freaking time. I wanted to take my laptop and go to the other room but I felt bad everytime so I stayed next to her.

    I started not to feel happy anymore. All we did in our free time was to go grocery shopping or eat dinner somewhere or ask each other if we needed something more in our house. Our conversations that were long and about everything before, were now questions like "what do you want to eat? what you want me to buy? how did you sleep? how was work?" and that's basically all. The sex was more rare, like once a week, but it was because I felt constantly tired. I have problems sleeping so for me to stay awake 2 more hours during the week to have sex was a massive no. I did it some times, because I felt like I need to do it for us, since she was always telling me how I never want to have sex during the week. But even in the weekend when we did it, I felt relieved afterwards, like I solved this problem for another week and I will not hear her complain about it.

    Recently, I reconnected with an old friend. I liked this girl when we met, like 3 years ago but nothing happened. She was always in a relationship with someone and I was too so we never did anything. But I guess there is something still there, maybe curiosity from both our parts, since we never even shared a kiss. We don't see each other as a possible partner in the future so there was no discussion about this. But we did discuss something that is still obsessing me: we discussed the idea of open relationships and how we both don't understand how can a person be with just one person entirely. And after this conversation, I kept thinking about the posibility of someone else in my life, with my girlfriend's approval, of course.

    The thought of someone else kept coming to my mind until I had a talk with my girlfriend about it. She told me that she can not imagine me kissing another girl because she feels like she is gonna throw up. She told me that if I ever kiss someone, she does not want me to tell her. Even so, I will not going to do it, as long as she is not ok with it, I will not cheat on her. But the problem is: I feel the need to touch someone else, to kiss someone else. I don't see myself sleeping with another girl, but I just feel like kissing some other girl. I don't know how to get rid of this thought, it is obsessing me.

    Since that talk that I had with my girlfriend, things got cold between us. Because I told her everything, not just my need, but also feeling suffocated by her constant need to have me in her arms all the time. She asked me if I still love her and if I want to break up. I said that I don't want to and that I still love her, which I am not sure it is true anymore. We decided to try again, to make an effort to recandle our relationship. We had sex, which was better than the last couple of times. I asked her out on dates, dressed myself and tried to look good for her. I tried to be more warm to her, kissing her more often, holding her.

    3 days ago I asked her to go out after she finished work. I dressed up and met her and she said I looked great. I was glad she liked it and I thought it was the start of a great night. We went to eat some ice cream and we talked. She brought up the subject of having an open relationship. She started saying how she really thought about it, to let me see some other women and that she can not do it. I did not want her to think about it any longer, since for me the topic was long closed. But she started telling me how she sees that I don't want this relationship anymore, how she sees that I'm not even trying, that she wants to be with me but feels like I'm pushing away. I felt angry, angry that she does not see that I'm trying. Angry that she feels like it's only my fault that our relationship is not working. She asked me if I like the friend I reconnected with...I said no. But I feel like I not that I like the girl, I feel like at this point I'll like any girl that gives me attention, any girl that is not my girlfriend. And is not that I'll like a girl to be in a relationship with, I'll like a girl just to touch her or to kiss her and to feel someone else's lips against mine, someone new.

    After the talk, we came home and went to sleep. Yesterday she worked a 24 shift, she is a doctor, and came home this morning. We only exchanged some words and then she left saying "she is going out" and that was it. Now I'm home alone, not knowing what to do or think.

    I feel like we rushed into moving in together and that was the death of our relationship. I always had commitment issues, but since I thought she was the one, I decided to ignore my mind that was telling me to not move in with her.

    We signed a contract that will expire in March 2017, and either of us can't afford rent alone. We talked about how we are going to do things if we would split up and we both agreed that we will be civil about it and live together as flatmates without any problems.

    But I don't want to break up...I don't want to be in this relationship either. It drives me nuts. I don't want to hurt her or waste her time. She deserves someone that is sure of her feelings, but it's hard to let her go since I do have feelings for her. It is just not as intense as they were at the beginning. I don't know if it is possible to feel the same way again about each other and what to do.

    I guess my question is: have you ever felt like this before about your partner and did you find a solution that put you back where you were at the beginning?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Breakup, your partner is ready and you were not. She deserves to be happy with someone who is happy to see her in just about any context. She also should have respected your boundaries of having time alone.

    Sidenote: I harp about this alot, maybe because I am older and did not grow up with social media. I would have been devasted if my current live-in gf posted this online with her rl picture talking all about our business.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    Guess what? This is called reality. Relationships aren't about the good times on the weekends...they're about the good, bad, boring, mundane and crappy times that happen between the good times. If you're not sure of your feelings, then guess what else? You're not in the right relationship. Take it from me...I had commitment issues in the past, and then when I moved in with "the one"...things weren't bad at all...sure, there are growing pains and boundaries need to be set..but there was never any second-guessing.

    The other thing you need to know about relationships...and this is probably the most IMPORTANT thing...anyone wishing a relationship is the way it was "in the beginning" has no fucking clue about what comprises a good relationship. The one thing I've learned: you grow with someone. There's no way in hell that I'd go back to the newness or the beginning, because that's really not reality....relationships become AMAZING when you learn to grow with someone and accept the boring and mundane and be okay with that. I wouldn't trade years of an amazing relationship for the newness that we had "in the beginning."

    So, you're deluded...if you're in it for the rush, then you don't need a long term relationship. Grow up and realize that relationships require a bit more responsibility...and if you're the decent thing and end it with your girlfriend because she deserves better. Simply put, when you can't live honestly with the one you claim to love..then you're not being fair to her. You haven't been honest since the day you moved in with her.
    Estra, rainydaze, Andy86 and 5 others like this.
  4. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    Your girlfriend is a doctor who works 24 hour shifts - that tells me that she has enough stress and unpredictability in her life that can bring about dire situations which she has to address on the spot.....The Last Thing she needs to have to worry about is her unpredictable, stressful relationship at home!
    Now, don't get me wrong, she doesn't get a free pass to not be responsible for her part in a the relationship, but at a very basic level, she should be able to count on what she knows to be true in her own home. So, Stop lying! Stop saying what you think she wants to here, and then obsessing about the exact opposite. You are not doing her any favors to just give an answer because you think she needs it. What she needs is the truth. It is the only fair thing to do so that she can make her decisions for herself based on the facts.

    It sounds like you rushed into the move-in-together part of the relationship before you really examined if you were able to be that committed. If you are entertaining the idea of open relationships and a woman you had a crush on years ago, you are not ready to be the kind of partner she likely believed she was making a home with.
    These are all good, honest conversations to have BEFORE you move in together: what are your thoughts on open relationships? how do two people in the same home maintain enough independence to keep both happy? etc. You both may be wonderful people but not exactly a well-suited match in terms of expectations in a relationship.

    Also, once you move in, it does not have to be all about "what do you want to eat", "how was your day", and "come hold me." It is both of your responsibilities to keep conversation interesting, to keep dating, and to respect each other's personal space....I agree you can never go backwards to the beginning feelings of a new relationship, but I absolutely feel the deeper, stronger connection is by far more fulfilling and amazing than the early insecurities of a new love. It is not a given that it suddenly becomes dull.

    I honestly can say that, after 20+ years with my spouse, I still look forward to dates on the weekends and a little extra time through the week when we both come home early enough to have dinner together or to take a walk or watch a show...We both crave the other's company, although it is hard to find the time because of life, family, and both having professional careers. Still, we laugh together every day and we trust each other...completely.

    I hope you truly are able to remain civil with each other if you decide to split up. It does sound like you both want a different type of connection with a partner. While, perhaps, it is too late for this one, I hope you are able to be more honest with yourself and with your partner if you pursue your next relationship. It does not sound like this partner is going to be able to stay with you and allow the relationship to be an open one. It is not something she says she can do and, yet, if you can't imagine not being with other women, it may be time to make a peaceful, respectful exit plan.
    greylin likes this.
  5. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    Ok, I know this was posted some time ago, but on the off chance you might read this I'm going to put my 2 cents worth in.

    Frankly, it's perfectly normal for someone to expect you to come to them when you walk in the door and give them a kiss and a hug. It's also normal for them to expect you to spend time with them and not on your own once you are at home. What's not normal is that you expect to ignore her and spend your time watching something on your computer rather than on the TV with her. It seems like you want a roommate during the week and sex on the weekends, but she expected a full time girlfriend. Her idea of living with her girlfriend is normal. You idea is not.

    Since you just can't stand kissing her and making love to her, move out. Let her find a roommate who is just a roommate. She'll probably be friendlier to your girlfriend than you've been.
    Estra likes this.

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