Mixed Signals

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by alphabet, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Hey y'all,

    Last month i met this cute queer girl on Tinder. We made plans to meet up the very next day for a drink. It was fun and we really hit it off and it was easy to talk to her. We made out in the car before I dropped her off. She said she would love to see me again so later that week we set up a second date.

    I was going out of town though so our next date wasn't going to be until I got back about 1 week and half later. Somehow in between that time she changed her mind about seeing me approximately 4 times. I got a message from her around 7am in the morning questioning our "relationship" but we talked and it seemed fine. She apologized for being weird and indecisive and said she was new to online dating.

    The day before our dinner date she txted me and cancelled blaming work. She said we could reschedule and offered up an alternative time. Then the next morning texted me and changed her mind about our rescheduled plans. She called me and we talked on the phone and she admitted she was confused and was also upset that I am in an open relationship. I had not told her when we first met because it didn't seem like something to mention since I wasn't sure if we were gonna end the night just as friends or whatever. I did tell her though when we talked about our "relationship".

    So after we talked it seemed fine but she texted me again the next day telling me she didn't want to become closer to me. I said it was fine and we didn't talk for two weeks. Two days ago she texts me all normal like telling me about a new job offer etc. She wanted to meet up so we had a coffee last night. It went well but last night before bed she texted me saying even though it was nice to see me for now she didn't want to see me outside of group settings (we have mutual friends).

    For future learning purposes what did I do wrong? Because I feel really confused as to what just happened.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I don't think you did anything wrong, you were the easy going one in this narrative. Sounds like she likes you but can't get over the open relationship thing. Perhaps it will be easier for you to weed out such encounters if you have it on your profile. It is a bit more work for you to find dates it seems like in your relationship setup, I am sorry.

    Oh, and, really weird she is talking about your "relationship" after one meeting. I would have run and not look back. o_O
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    The only thing that I think you did "wrong" was not put that you are in an open relationship on your profile.

    Imagine the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine that you met someone on tinder and had a good date or two. Then that person dropped an intense bombshell on you - say they were a recovering drug addict who took daily methadone. You would really have to think long and hard - can I date this person? Do I want to get close with someone who comes with this huge baggage? Is this a situation that I want to get into?

    This is what she went through. She didn't realize you were in a relationship. When she found out, she went through a lot of back and forth - could this work for me, will I be a third wheel, will I just wind up jealous and insecure?

    If you put 'in open relationship' right on your profile, you skip the step of interacting with the person while they try to decide if that is a deal breaker or not.

    I do think that it is a little weird that she talked about your "relationship" after just one date. She sounds new to dating at all, not just online dating. Plus, you gals met on tinder, which is more of a hook up app. Though if she is this insecure about stuff, then yeah, being in an open relationship is not for her.

    Honestly, I don't know how many women are into open relationships. I would be very interested to hear an update sometime about your experiences dating women while in an open relationship. Most of the stories I have ever heard were about all male relationships, or the primary couple was male female.
     
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  4. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    I think the weird thing is that she told me that she had previously been in an open relationship so that was fine with her. And this was after I assured her I was okay with dating or just being friends. Again since we have only met twice in person I can't really get a read on her so I don't know if she was just saying that to try and make it less awkward.

    You're right I should just put it on my profile though I prefer to talk about it in person since it's a bit more complicated than that. My lady is my primary person, but we both date and have relationships with other women so I guess it's more than just an open relationship where we casually hook up with others. She also lives in another state so there is no chance we would ever run into her.

    I told this girl that I did feel like we had a connection and while I usually use Tinder to hookup I honestly wanted to get to know her and that was not the priority with her. I tried to say the right things and be assuring, but so far my experience trying to date while having a primary partner has been difficult.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Once you involve multiple partners, the configurations are a lot more complex. It feels exponential the variations of how people in open relationships define the connections. So, perhaps you can explain a little in your profile what you are looking for in a partner. I don't know Tinder so I don't know exactly how it works or if you even have room to talk about it. You can say, perhaps that you are not swinging and you are more towards the poly fidelity spectrum, or you are not looking for a casual partner but an other significant other? I hope I am using the correct terms.
     
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  6. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    I know I should do that but being poly isn't a concept that a lot of people understand so I've been hesitant that a one word or sentence disclaimer would explain that.

    My roommate was at work and literally ran into this girl. I'm a little unsure how we left things so any advice on how to act now or if I should do anything? Community is kinda small so it feels inevitable we will see each other at some point, case and point last night with my roommate. I don't want it to be awkward now, and I actually do like her and hope we can be friends.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You ever tried holding a fish in your hands? If you held it too tight, it gets away from you or gets injured. You would have to hold it a certain way. But the thing is, who really wants to hold a fish anyway if all it wants to do is to get away from you and get back into the water. A fish may jump out of water once in a while, but doesn't mean it can breathe air. The girl is skittish and uncomfortable in your reality. It is something she can't understand. So, the best way is not approach her. Say hi if you are right in front of her as in any acquaintance and not initiate any conversation. I am sorry you like her and want to approach her. I advice against going after sometime who has already turned you down.
     
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  8. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Good point. I think I just feel worried things will be weird since our circles overlap so much, and as a person who hates uncomfortable and awkward situations I don't like things that feel unresolved.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think the best way to act in situations like this is polite, but somewhat distant. So the other person gets the feeling that you are "ok" with things (ok enough not to lash out at them, anyhow), but that you aren't trying to intrude on them. Just do the same kind of small talk that you would if you bumped into a random ex-coworker that you didn't know all that well.

    You: "hi, how are you?"
    Her: "fine, how are you?"
    You: "I'm doing well. Well, it was nice to see you."
    Then excuse yourself and walk off.

    The first time you see her will be awkward. But the second time she will know that all your are going to do is a little small talk and it won't be so awkward.
     
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  10. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Is she out to people? I mean that is often why girls change their mind like every 5 minutes...

    From what I read, you behaved great, so I don't think you did anything wrong. However, if I were you, I'd have given her a few more days or a few weeks and move on if things continue to be like this.
     
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  11. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    So I found out later that she had started dating some other girl the whole time. I guess it puts into context much of her actions. It seemed like she wanted a girlfriend something I couldn't offer.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Doesn't excuse her skittish mumness, I find it rude. She doesn't get to push and pull someone while deciding whether this other girl is a thing or not. Sorry she did it like that.
     
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  13. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    Yeah this is literally what all my friends said to me. I just have a hard time calling people assholes.
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    looks like you have a lot of support from your friends, that's great. :)
     
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  15. alphabet

    alphabet Well-Known Member

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    you're really great too @greylin !!
     
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  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Thank you, glad to be of help.
     
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