Mixed Messages and an Extreme Resolve

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by REDh04x, Feb 16, 2020.

  1. REDh04x

    REDh04x New Member

    Feb 16, 2020
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    I'm hoping for some opinions on a situation I've recently found myself in with a coworker.

    A little bit of background info: I'm in a 6 year relationship, I'm gay, we've recently decided to open our relationship up selectively. We've always been very open about what happens between us, so it's not a huge shock.

    My coworker is about 14 years my senior, also gay, married with kids to her partner of 19 years. No idea if they're open or flexible.

    I've had a little crush on her for ages and my partner likes to tease me about it.

    One day she asked for my number because I was on call. I sent her a few messages over the following weekend but she didn't really reply so I took the hint and stopped. When I next saw her at work I said to her I was sorry if I'd annoyed her and that I took the hint, and she did a 360 and said not to be because she was just really bad at replying to messages.

    Fast forward about 5 weeks, we're rostered together for most of the week. We had a joke a while ago about being a "hot picc" (cause she's an infusion therapy nurse). So I message her and ask if she's a hot picc this week. She replies, life goes on normally. We spend the week flirting back and forth, the atmosphere between us is charged.

    She starts to notice things about me that would've been obvious for most people, unless you'd all of a sudden noticed the person in front of you and paid more attention to their appearance (like the fact that I wear glasses). Anyway, over the week I flirt subtly, like just talking to her to find out more about her, smiling, eye contact etc. I notice things that pique my interest:

    - She makes eye contact all the time, I've caught her staring at me from across the room
    - She mimics my body language
    --She stands progressively closer to me
    - She lingers around where I am in the workplace
    - She laughs at all my jokes
    - She listens in to conversations I'm having with others at work and subsequently teases me about parts of it (with low key sarcasm)
    - She accepted my casual invite to come and sit with me in the tea room for lunch
    - When we talk alone she angles her body to face mine directly and holds eye contact for a long time
    - She randomly requested to follow me on Instagram at like 9pm, even though she'd approved my follow request several weeks ago
    - She made playful comments like, "it's because I wasn't there for you to talk to wasn't it", or agreeing that she'd miss my witty banter when I'm not around

    She's told me not to take it personally if she forgets to reply to messages (the first time I asked her to tell me if I was making her uncomfortable or being intrusive, I've asked her this twice). I also apologised for being intense, because I know I am and it can be intimidating to be the focus of all that attention. She smiled flirtatiously (with teeth), told me not to overthink it, and sent me a message later in the day telling me she's "intensely not intense" so don't take it personally.

    She also mentioned I only message her at work or when she's driving, so that evening I made a point of messaging her after she'd be home. I sent 2 messages about 2 hours apart and got no reply. So I was a little bit cut and annoyed (thought it was rude and disrespectful personally), and consequently when I saw her the next morning I was cold to her apparently warm welcome. She acted like nothing had happened despite ignoring me. I didn't make eye contact either.

    I regretted this immediately, and messaged her later apologising for being cold. No reply.

    The next day, I see her log onto Instagram. I send a tentative message: "Hey; I'm really confused. Can you tell me what's going on?". No reply, and she removes me as a follower but doesn't stop following me.

    Upset, I post a meme and ask my followers why people run from me; am I too much, too creepy, too intense.. I'm deeply upset that this person had apparently aggressively iced me without so much as an explanation or a warning. She still had me on Facebook. She must've noticed the post, because the next day she unfriends me but doesn't block me.

    I'm at my threshold of poor behaviour by now, and I resolve to block her completely on both social media platforms. For anyone familiar with Myers-briggs theory, I'm a classic INFJ- intense, but also prone to cutting people out of my life who treat me poorly.

    My partner thinks it wasn't about me, but that maybe something happened at home for her. Maybe her wife got involved, or maybe she was feeling something for me so decided to cut me out entirely. I don't know and I may never know. I have to work with her tomorrow so I'll just wait and see if she says anything I guess. Either way, she's broken the chemistry we had, and there's no going back for me.

    What I'm wanting to gain from this post is people's insight and understanding into her motive, and perhaps suggestions for moving forwards at work.
  2. Curious12

    Curious12 Member

    Jan 18, 2020
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    Fist of all, she's a complete psycho for acting this way. I mean, what the hell? Who blocks people like that? And she did it for no reason whatsoever. You need to move on. This person is not someone I would give a second thought to. She sounds like she has major issues, and is toxic. This isn't a healthy 'relationship'.
    I should also say that the moment I read what you wrote about her being bad at replying to messages I thought 'that's BS'. NO ONE treats someone they're interested in like that, unless they're playing hard to get, and that is definitely not the case.
    So try to move on, try to avoid her at work as much as possible. She's 100% not interested (and never was imo) and nothing good will come of it. Regardless and I hope I'm not offending you, but going forward, I would tone down the apologetic behavior. You have to stop apologizing so much, you did nothing wrong.
  3. REDh04x

    REDh04x New Member

    Feb 16, 2020
    Likes Received:
    Hey Curious12, thanks for replying to my small essay

    Yes I'd agree, but my MO is to communicate openly to resolve issues and I guess that's not something everyone does. Some people do just stonewall like this...

    I have no intention of lingering, I know I need to move on. This post is a part of that- trying to find some kind of closure so I can close the book on her.

    She did tell me once she has no friends because her life consists of cleaning up after her wife and kids. I wondered at the time if she was lonely, but I now think she intentionally keeps people at arms length.

    It's definitely not a healthy interaction, and I'm glad you've said that no one treats people they like in this way. Even if I'm too intense, I feel like I still deserve some respect.

    You're not offending me, I know it's true. I think I apologise to appear submissive, and therefore not threatening in the face of conflict. I realise how messed up that sounds, but I think that's probably why. It's linked to some childhood issues.

    Again really appreciate your honest input, it's helped a lot ❤

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