Mission Improbable?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Belle_of_the_boulevard, May 8, 2014.

  1. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Good afternoon ladies *tips hat*

    Let me start with the obligatory backstory. I shall keep it brief, don't be afraid.

    Sprinkle commas to taste.

    So early February my girlfriend and I broke up, ex girlfriend should I say then. I was going through my third year exams and had taken on extra classes so had a mini meltdown where I was having panic attacks (had never had one before) and just general anxiety issues. This was compounded by the fact that I wasn't sure that I wanted to use this degree anymore (this is my second degree) so that was the source of an awful lot of stress too. Anyway! I was a mess and I didn't talk to her about it enough and so we decided to take some time apart at my request. I thought that maybe taking any relationship pressure off would alleviate some of the stress. And well I don't know, perhaps it was complacency (no perhaps, there was) but I thought we would be okay. One week later she's booked on a plane to Thailand and is leaving for 6 months. Riiiight so...

    We were together for two and a half years and we were so well fitted it was unreal (ring any bells? Thought not) and she told me that I was the 'one' etc and she wanted to marry me and then I go and crap all over it. She had been left before and said she didn't want to be left again so I guess she took the plunge and bolted.

    Fast forward 3 months and she's been gone for six weeks and I'm still a bit of a wreck. We met once before she went for the exchanging of the things, we talked, laughed and enjoyed each other's company, then I walked her to her car and we hugged, she cried and then cried, we didn't say a word and she left. I tried to see her again but she declined because she thought it would be too difficult with her going away and that she didn't want to be pining for me while she was out there.

    Fair enough you say, oh well, you live you learn, move on. Well, we're still in contact we text maybe once a week and it's all "friendly" and it's actually torture, because i can't say what I want to say, that I love her and want her back. So what I'm after is actually anyone's opinion on this little plan here. All throughout our relationship, she had asked me to do an open mic (I assume they're called this elsewhere in the world? Open John?) and I wouldn't do it because I was scared. So, I have decided to take the the busiest street in Glasgow with my guitar and play five of her-/our favourite songs, which I will video and send to her followed by a video of me telling her straight what I want from her/us. I had a wee practice with a musician buddy of mine last week and the songs sound grand, he sings too so the harmonoids all sound spiffing. Those that I have spoken to about this, granted I have kept the circle small, think it's romantic. Though most of my friends are musical types so perhaps their views come from a more biased place. Is this cringy? Manipulative? Stupid? I finding it hard to look at it objectively. Manipulation isn't my aim, but I can see how it could possibly come across that way, I mean, I have picked songs that were poignant in our relationship in hopes of maybe triggering a wee memory circuit or three.

    I'm in the middle of my exams again but am completely consumed by her, how anyone gets anything done after having their heart broken is beyond me! This little street performance, which incidentally has me mentally soiling myself, is due to take place in thirteen days, the day after my final exam.

    There was just so many things left unsaid and so much confusion over the way events transpired and then spiralled, so as much as this is about reconciling, it is also about unburdening myself with all this stuff she doesn't know. I was always the more emotionally reserved of the two. If she still isn't willing to even talk to me about us, then I'll have no choice but to move on, but I think it's important that she has all the information first. I know I can't go another 4 months being pseudo pals with her.

    But yah, in summary - if an ex did this to/for you would you a. Smile and think, gosh isn't she dreamy or b. What a sad case with no shame...? Feel free to be brutally honest, I shan't give you a mental pounding.

    Toodle-pip!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    BELLLE! I remember your music from the old AE and I think you are brilliant. Your idea is not cheesy for me, a non music type and it is an object of envy.

    But, and the but has nothing to do with the idea of a romantic take-me-back, but just curious about your mindset. If it is something that I know for sure that I want, not just miss but want, then I don't think I can wait 13 days to do something elaborate. If there were a one of a kind must have sweater in the store and it is like the last one I would trip over Portia de Ellen's wife to get it. If she is the one and one of a kind would you not make sure that she is yours, like right away?
     
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  3. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Greylin! Well hello stranger, it's been a while. Can't say I'm too take by the new layout, really finding it tough to negotiate the whole personal profile thing. Seems a bit... crap? Perhaps it's just not compatible with my ipad :-/

    Thanks for your reply and a good question, I'm glad you asked ;-)

    To be honest, I think that this is a last ditch effort, stab in the dark attempt. She left leaving me with no illusions as to what her intentions were when she was over there... getting over me. The change in her since the split has been an eye-opener to say the least. She's always been very anti second chances and has always maintained that once a relationship breaks down the first time then there's no coming back. Personally, I think that's bollocks for the most part, but can see where she's coming from. She's had her heart broken before and is in self-preserve mode. If this doesn't pan out, which unfortunately, is the anticipated outcome I need to come away from it knowing that I did everything I could to show her how much I love her. I know it can be difficult to distinguish between loving someone and simply missing them in the aftermath, but I do love her. Though if she doesn't care enough to even entertain the idea of a proper talk after this little lot then I'll have to wave the white flag. I've lost my way... Your question! I swear there was a reason for all of that... Yes, well it's basically a matter of logistics, I have four exams between now and the 19th, as well as having to fit in a practice or two and make sure all involved (all three of us) have the night off work, so the 19th is the date when the exams are done and everyone is available. Plus, and this is the main reason, it's been difficult enough to study for these exams and I didn't want to send this video to her during my exam period as I fear a resounding 'no' from her would knock me from the track.

    In a nutshell, I'm scared she'll shoot me down and I don't want this to affect my exams any more than it already has. That's why I'm not buying the one-of-a-kind last sweater, instead waiting 13 agonising days. If it weren't for these exams I'd have done it last week.

    I'm very glad you don't think it's too cheese-tastic. This pleases me :)
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Good luck, Belle on your endeavour. Please do let us know how it goes for what you are working on, not only is it not cheesy, it is, in fact, quite swoon-worthy.

    Take care :)
     
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  5. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    I would have to tell the person how I felt if I were in your shoes. It couldn't really get any worse, if she can't at least be a friend after you've spilt your guts out to her, than she's not worth your time anyways. It sounds like a win/win situation really. You either make her smile and she's yours or you make her smile and get your feelings out and stay friends. It's not a manipulative or malicious thing at all, sounds cute really.
     
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  6. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Thank you both for your input and chuffed to hear I'm 2/2 in the not-so-cheesy stakes! Fingers crossed she feels the same, time will tell... eight days to be exact :eek:
     
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  7. TF

    TF Active Member

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    I was on the verge of a breakup myself, not too long ago, we've been together 5 years. Even if we're all sunshine and butterflies now (we talked about it and moved on), not a day goes by without me thinking about it, those words... she initiated the breakup, it caught me completely by surprise and I know that if it happened once, it can happen again, it really puts everything into perspective, you learn to prepare yourself for anything. I'm not saying this to burden you with my issues, but to give you a taste of how I'm guessing your (ex) girlfriend is thinking when she says that once a relationship breaks down the first time, there's no coming back.
    Once you're bruised, you need a lot of time to learn how to leave your guard down again. It's not a matter of love, it's trust. In her eyes, you betrayed her trust.
    I know you need those good vibes for the exams so I will try not to be over-dramatic, but you need to think of both variables, she's in Thailand, 6 months is a long time, I'm not saying she will move on completely, but that's definitely her intention (otherwise she wouldn't go there in the first place). I see the situation more through her eyes, but there's no knowing how she'll react... even if she will take you back, the memory of the breakup will hunt her, for some time at least; during the "recovery" things will be unpredictable, she might even say yes we're good and a few months into it she could break up with you realizing it was a mistake. So, be prepared.

    To end in a happy note, I think what you're doing is wise, do what you need to, regardless of the way things end up know you did everything in your power so you're not left with the "What if's". Best of luck ;)
     
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  8. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend, but glad yous guys are keeping at it. Really appreciate the comment TF, it's useful to hear another perspective. Yeah I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, which is really tough but I do think unfortunately that's the way this is going to go. Can I ask, if you don't mind of course, did you ever seriously consider walking away despite still loving her? It's really difficult for me to fathom cutting someone off so quickly despite still loving them. Suppose it's just that I'm really not wired that way. Granted, I also wasn't on the receiving end of the - as you quite accurately described - betrayed of trust. But even then, to not even warrant trying? At all?? Like I say though, I've never been in this situation before so I've no idea how I would react if the roles were reversed. Life eh? :|

    Also just sat one of my Bio exams and all I can think of when I see TF is transcription factors! Fellow DNA hoff? :p
     
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  9. TF

    TF Active Member

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    I'm glad to hear my comment helped :D
    And to answer your question... knowing that we both loved each other, I would have never walked away, but like I said, it took me by surprise, it was never my decision to walk out of anything, my question was simple "Do you still love me?" she said yes and that's all I needed to know - I found out after a heartfelt discussion what her reasoning was, she was trying to protect me (it's a terribly long and complicated story) We are still very much in love and I honestly believe we'll grow old together, but that almost-breakup talk is like an itch I can't scratch out of my head (granted it happened relatively few time ago, hopefully it will go away by itself)
    BUT! She already left and I don't want to scare you, I tend to over-think and find meaning in the stupidest things, if that was me, and I had already left I wouldn't want to get back together for 1 simple reason, (well actually 2 but I'll make it sound like 1) I am stubborn as hell at times and it would be a matter of... is my ego strong enough to make me give up on this relationship - since I had already decided to go, basically, if I say yes to "you", it would mean admitting that the trip was in vain. It's called cognitive dissonance, now you know why I complicate things in my head, because I know what stuff like cognitive dissonance means :lol: I think what you're planning to do is smart simply because, regardless of her decision, you know you did something to fight for it, it will put your mind at ease.

    I don't know if this makes any sense at all, I hope it does, I'm sorry if it doesn't, let me know, maybe I can wrap it up differently.

    TF stands for something else less... geeky? I know you can't turn on and off certain parts of your brain but try to focus as much as possible on the tests, everything will be fine one way or another.
     
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  10. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Less geeky?! how very dare you :p

    Nah I totally get you, she is very stubborn but I'd hate for something this important to be marred by that! That could very well be the reality though, that, or she realised she didn't love me as much as she thought. Which is a bit of a bitter pill considering our 97.4% amazing relationship. At the end of the day when she makes her decision and it's not what I want to hear, I don't really need to understand it, I just need to accept it once and for all. I keep thinking though, what Is the point in attempting a grand romantic gesture just to get stomped on, but you're right, I need to know one way or t'other and know that I'll look back with no regrets... Giant, glaring 'take some time apart' mistake nonwithstanding ;)

    The things we do for love eh? Psssht

    This itch that you can't scratch... Do you ever feel like maybe that slight bit of uncertainty somehow manages to keep both your emotions 'present' and keep you both trying to the benefit of the relationship? I'm probably not explaining myself very well, but sometimes that little seed of doubt can be the saviour of a relationship. Maybe it's just me. Anyway... yep trying to condition the old brain to think only of biology related things. Evidently my brain is autonomous and therefore impervious to my pleas! Haha
     
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  11. TF

    TF Active Member

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    Go with your original plan, you're going to hate yourself if you don't (and possibly blame me for bringing you down and we don't want that :? ) If she says yes - awesome, if she says no, well... pick yourself up and dust yourself off, tomorrow is a new day (easier said than done... I know) You did a mistake with the "time apart" thing, you live and you learn, no one is perfect, and besides, it helped you put things into perspective, right? so maybe it wasn't a mistake after all...

    That itch that I can't scratch is me knowing that at any moment we could have the talk again, it's not something that bothers me, talking I mean, if there's anything going on I rather know, regardless of the outcome. What bothers me is that it's not always rational, it's not always caused by an argument (I avoid arguments like the plague) most often than not, these talks come when I least expect them, so that itch is basically me knowing that I can't get leave my guard down. I guess, at some level you're right because you learn not to take the relationship for granted, but it gets exhausting after a while. How did we end up talking about me? :lol:
     
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  12. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Haha busted! You're like my man on the inside, you've got the knowledge. The only exception being you took the time to work it out instead of running for the hills... or beaches. I have another question if you don't mind? :D have you ever been left before? I'm trying to work out if there's a significant correlation (r=1.0 p=<0.005) between wanting to gut it out and stick at it and previous experience of heartache. Granted my sample size is a little small... Seriously though, I think I'm trying to resign myself to the fact that I'm just not her 'one' despite her saying I was. Ach, just sucks.
     
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  13. TF

    TF Active Member

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    Don't be a coward, if you decide not to stick with your original plan you'll hate yourself for it, I guarantee it.
    Also! don't trying pinning this on her, that you're not her "one", this is not her fault you know, you're the one that had a breakdown and shoved her away, so it's your responsibility to see it through. Maybe she's confused, this is going to help her make up her mind as well, maybe she wants to get back together but she's too umm... coward? or... umm... proud? Be the bigger man, well... woman and take the first step. I think you're getting cold feet because you know that day is approaching, am I right? :geek:

    To go back to your question. I haven't been left before, not in a I-feel-like-my-heart-was-ripped-out-of-my-chest way at least, so I cannot confirm (nor deny) your hypothesis :? But we're different people, you only need to think about her past relationships, how did they end?

    But look... the situation won't change no matter how much dissecting you're trying to do, stop over-analyzing, I'm saying this for your own good. You're trying to find a rational explanation for a relationship/breakup, there isn't any, everything about love is irrational. It sounds to me like you're trying to talk yourself out of doing the music surprise thingie because you don't want to put yourself in a vulnerable position. Do it the Nike way, Just Do It :D You'll thank me later.
     
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  14. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Nah it's happening come hell or high water! I'm really just trying to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome, which just happens to be the same thing as the most likely outcome. That's not me being pessimistic, it's realistic. There's been no contact in a week and a half now, which seems hilarious when written down, cause it's really no time at all! Just wish I'd gotten this whole first love thing out of the way when I was in my teens and not in my late twenties! Im a late bloomer. Haha

    Anywho, thank you so much for you counsel and your candour, it has been most helpful but I'll quit chewing your ear for a bit while I get this last exam oot the way!

    Ps yeah I know that I'm trying to pin this on her, she's in thailand - she'll never know! ;p
     
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  15. TF

    TF Active Member

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    Glad I could help.
    Best of luck with the exam and the other thing ;)
    Let us know how it goes!
     
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  16. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    There is nothing cheesy about your plan. Its romantic... and it shows that YOU are making the effort.

    You have nothing to lose by doing this. Its not embarrassing. Get her back or not, your effort is COOL and you're a better person for trying.

    If she *LOVED* you when she got on that plane... then she still loves you now.
     
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  17. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Tad :)

    Well it's done and the vids have just been sent. Which was a royal pain in the arse all by itself.

    Cheers and thanks again to all :)
     
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  18. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    So what happened?
     
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  19. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Hmm well it's a bit of a mess. She got back to me the following day and told me she still loves me that she misses me so much, regrets that she left and wishes we could go back to how we were and how hearing that I still loved her made he so happy. Oh yeah, and that she "made the mistake" of getting involved with the girl she travelled out there with and now she's found herself "In a horrible mess" where's she's always thinking of me and wishing I were with her because they don't work like we do. She said that she was missing me so much that she was trying to do anything to forget me, turns out doing her friend was the answer! Was pretty devastated and now I don't know what to do because I can feel myself getting dragged back to how I felt at my lowest since we broke up and can't shake that I'm going to get my heart completely stomped. Just wish I bloody knew how to walk away from her. So yeah, wee bit of a pickle I'd say! Haha
     
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  20. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Well damn, sorry to hear that! On the bright side though, it brings closure in the sense that you know where things really stand. You seem like a decent enough person, in this case you should feel better knowing you can find somebody better deserving of your attention.
     
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