Miss her so much,miss our friendship

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Beau_amc, Apr 27, 2017.

  1. Beau_amc

    Beau_amc Member

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    Hi everyone this is my first post on this forum, thank you all to take the time to read it. I'm not sure if I have a question in here somewhere or an just getting a lot off my chest.

    About 8 weeks ago I lost my best friend, we are both female, aged late 20s and early 30s. We were inseparable for about 2 years, would see each other every day through work and would hang out on the weekends and text each other every day. I met her through doing a similar occupation as me, I had always found her to be attractive but never worried too much about getting a crush on her, we'd make chit chat about how was your weekend and boring stuff, then one day we got talking about video games and just clicked, she is a bit shy. We ended up having so much in common I knew then that I wanted to be her friend. I made sure I'd be at the same place for work as her and even started sitting with her on the train. A big fat crush started form that point on. I loved being around her.

    I was not open about my sexuality at work (I am now) and never mentioned it to her, I knew she had ex boyfriends in the past and assumed she was %100 straight. I wish I had of just told her from the get go. I didn't want to scare her away. Looking back on it I becoming her friend was me entertaining my crush, I never intended for it to get so out of hand and emotionally draining, I didn't have any "ulterior motive" knowing that she only likes dudes, or maybe I did? I just don't know.

    So moving forward about 8 months in, my crush was no longer just a little crush, it was full blown unrequited love. The longer we were friends the harder it was to tell her that I was gay. I was attracted to everything about her from her looks to her personality to her brain. We just clicked on every level. I never wanted to lose her as a friend knowing how rare it is to find someone you just spark with like that.

    We got to a point in our friendship where she got really comfortable with me, she would play with my hair, cuddle into me when we'd watch movies, hold my hand and sometimes even put her hand on my leg. That made my feelings even more intense because she is such a touchy feely girl. I've never had that with any of my other platonic friends. I'm sure I read too much into that. She used to say I was her favourite girl in the world and favourite friend forever. It made me feel so special.

    I started to get an idea in my head that maybe she liked me, I hoped so much that she did but kept telling myself that she was not in to woman. This got really hard to deal with as I was looking for any sign that she was into me and the signs were there, or at least mixed ones

    Some days when she would mention a guy she was hanging out with I'd get a bit sad, I would do my best to act normal but would get quiet because I was stuck in my own head. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel like she couldn't tell me about her life or boyfriends. I wanted to be the best friend to her that I could be. She could sense when I was upset, I'd go through phases of being fine but then would be down that I didn't know how she felt about me and was sinking into a pool of hopelessness. I would say to her 'I'll tell you why I'm sad someday'. Finally that day came and I mustered the courage (after an emotional break down) to tell her about my sexuality, she was totally fine about it and actually ended up telling me she liked guys and girls. I was pretty happy after hearing that and maybe thought I had a chance, I ended up confessing I had a crush on her, I didn't want to burden her with a huge feelings bomb that I was in love with her, I played it down to a crush. After I told her, she said she was sorry for sending any mixed signals and that she would cut back on being so affectionate to me. I was really happy and sad at the same time.

    Things went ok for about 2 weeks and I felt like I could keep being friends with her knowing that she was not interested in me and that maybe knowing where I stood would be enough for me to move on, neither of us at that point ever wanted to lose each other as friends. After those 2 weeks, she ended up sending me a text saying that she once had a crush on me months ago but knew she wasn't relationship material and that it would be unfair to me, I was shocked that she told me that and asked her some tips on getting over my crush on her, she said she never really got over the crush but just knew she never wanted to jeopardise the friendship we had or hurt me. She has commitment issues but I am also not sure that she would ever be in a relationship with any girl. After that talk we decided that we would only be friends because great friendships can last for a long time and relationships sometimes don't, we both knew we wouldn't work out as a couple. A few weeks after that she was over my house and we ended up kissing, it was amazing! We joked about just doing what two best friends do. I was fooling myself big time in thinking I could kiss this girl I love and not get myself into more trouble. When you want someone so bad for so long saying no is impossible!

    After the make out session, she reaffirmed that we were only friends. After the kissing we both got very flirty to each other in text messages and I was on top of the world, crazy in love with her. She came over the following night and we ended up in a sexual "relationship" I say "relationship" because she would always tell me that she is not looking for a relationship from anyone at the moment, be that from a guy or girl. This lasted for a month even though she would keep saying we are only friends, I couldn't help get my hopes up that maybe there could be more because of the way we would talk to each other and from the lovey texts we would send each other, like we would call each other baby, honey pie, gorgeous, beautiful etc. I know I was dumb. I have learnt now that if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. I think she was probably just trying to be nice to me and let me down gently and saying that we were only friends was like her insurance policy to be able to have her cake and eat it to.

    It all came crashing down when she started to feel guilty that she was holding me back from finding someone that loved me in the same way so we decided we would have to stop being intimate, I was crushed. I told her I needed some space and she didn't understand why I was so hurt. After saying I needed some space, I missed her and tried to act normal and keep seeing her as usual. It was so hard and awkward and she was acting quite cold to me. This continued for 2 weeks. I was absolutely depressed. I finally ended up telling her that I can't do it anymore, I can't see her for a while, that brings us to present day where she avoids me, I say hi and be pleasant when I see her, she will do the same but she is really done with me. She is a very strong willed person who has the ability to just move on when things get hard and not look back. She said talking about the past doesn't change anything and it's not worth worrying about 'hang ups' and 'what ifs'

    She told me I can't just hurt people and expect it to be ok. I have a feeling that this might be her putting all the blame back on me but I understand I hurt her when I told her I can't see her anymore and that I may have made her feel guilty for not feeling the same way. I'm not a hurtful person and never planned this. I miss her so much. I think about her every day and a lot. I don't know if I miss her so much because I love her but I know the friendship we had was genuine and I hate myself for ruining it. We really were best friends. She is the type of person that can just move on from adversity and not look back so I'm terrified she will never forgive me.

    I have seriously been obsessively reading so many forums about 'getting over unrequited love' 'being friends with your ex' because they help me when I am feeling like a miserable blob. I have been trying the no contact thing to help heal my heart, I have failed a few times and sent her a text, she will reply but be quite short and not encourage any further conversation. The thing is, I miss her so much it hurts, I don't think she misses me. She never felt as deeply for me as I did her. My fears are that I will never get over her and that we can never be friends. I think I will have to go no contact for a long time to not have romantic feelings for her and by then we will have fallen out of touch and won't be able to even talk, we will become strangers. The other concern is that I don't think she wants to let me back in to her life, she did say that she would be there for me again someday, but I can't grasp at that in an unrealistic hope. I am pretty sure she has abandonment issues from her childhood and I feel like a real jerk for "abandoning her" I do realise that I can't fix her and she doesn't want to be fixed.

    Taking it one day at a time, I still cry every few days and have not stopped thinking about her for the entire 2 months that we have no longer been friends.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it's so long!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Beau_Amc, I am glad you are getting it off your chest and it is healthy to process it like you are, one day at a time. I would not assume she feels any less than you do, just that she is suppressing her urge to be with someone and commit to a relationship. She pegs herself a certain way and is very rigid about it. The thing I do agree with her is that she would hurt you because she can't seem to see herself being any other way. I also agree with her that being with her is holding you back from being in the type of relationship you really want. It won't feel like it now, but she has done you a favor by splitting. She has every right to not want a relationship and you are so right about not trying to "fix" her. I am sorry you are hurting, staying away is probably the kindest thing you are doing for yourself. I hope you heal quickly and learn to be really nice to yourself at this period. *hugs*

    One more thing...I know that she does not do relationships but at least on your end, you had one. You had spent 2 years by her side and probably more together than some couple who are together without the sex. It is something to grieve and mourn. It is ok to take time to do that and it is normal for it to hurt this much.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
  3. Beau_amc

    Beau_amc Member

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    Thank you so much greylin, I 100% agree with you where you say she is a pegged a certain way, She knows herself and told me that from the start. Even if I'm not the one for her, I do really hope she can let someone in to love her and that she loves back. I know I will die inside when that day comes but I honestly do care about her so much and she deserves to be happy.
    I can accept that we will never be together but am really having a hard time accepting that we won't be friends. I keep telling myself that maybe in time we can be, holding on to that thought is what helps me get through each day even when I know it's unlikely to be that way :(
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think Beau_amc, a lot of us all come across a friendship that has not worked out. Sometimes it is complicated by other than friendly feelings. Sometimes people change or you just found out more about them. I think for all you have found, it is good to take the positives with you when you find your next friend and relationship. It is not a rule or anything, just for me, If someone is going to be a great partner and into me, they would interested in the beginning. Sometimes pursuing someone is fun but I don't think you should ever hear, "Well, I really shouldn't...but." from that person. You have charmed her enough that she went along for a while. I hope you can redirect that energy to form other relationships with people.
     
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Losing a friend is awful, and I'm sorry. I know you are heartbroken right now, but I think this split is ultimately for the best.

    Even if she were willing to continue your friends-with-benefits situation and let you live in hope of more, this woman is not a good potential partner for you. I think she is closeted, scared, and unwilling to imagine herself stepping out of line by acknowledging the depth of her feelings toward another woman. So even as she carried on with you, she was always going to withdraw, or drop you suddenly for a likely man, or put you in the position of "friends with benefits/hookup on the side" while she kept her eye out for an acceptable straight relationship. You are hurting right now, but if you're honest with yourself I think you know that there is no way this could end well (and you knew it all along).

    I also think that the kissing and sex was irresponsible and unkind on her part, since she knew that you cared about her but was unwilling to reciprocate emotionally. I have been with people who gratified their desires at my heart's expense, and I honestly think it is a way to take advantage of vulnerable and hopeful people. And I find myself confused and a little upset on your behalf, that she thinks your request for space is out of line or akin to abandonment. That request was very mature and responsible of you - recognizing what you needed to heal and be emotionally safe in this fraught situation - and a friend who cared for you as deeply as she did/wants to should be able to separate her hurt from your needs. A friend is not a security blanket, and you should not feel that you need to ignore your needs in order to meet hers.

    I don't say this to hurt you or her, because I think this is pretty common and doesn't diminish the depth of your feelings and hurt. But from outside your rose-tinted, obsessive love, I can see a lot of cracks that are invisible in the depths. Ultimately, you are better off without this relationship/friendship, even as it hurts right now. Take the good memories, cherish the love you felt, be thankful for this woman showing you what this kind of attraction can feel like; take the hurt you feel, learn from the mistakes made - and know that you bring those good and not-so-good things with you into future relationships. And that there are actually queer woman out there in the world, who want to cuddle and kiss and commit to you, who are beautiful and smart and kind and wise and OUT.

    It sucks when the one you want can't be the one for you, but even mutual attraction doesn't make someone a good potential partner. Give yourself time, kindness, and distraction, and you will be surprised when someday down the line you realize that this experience is a bittersweet part of your past, something that taught you a lot and made you a better partner and person, but is not that heartbreak that consumes you now.
     
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  6. Beau_amc

    Beau_amc Member

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    Thank you lorienczhiu, your reply is exactly what I needed to hear.

    Until meeting her, I have only ever loved one other person and have not really ever put myself out there to meet other queer woman, this woman was the one to finally make me more accepting of myself and now that I am actually trying to meet other gay woman, who knows what the future will hold, it's still very daunting though. I will never forget her and will always be grateful to her for showing me that I don't have to care about what anyone else thinks of me.

    Losing a friend is definitely horrible, heart breaking and soul destroying. My life seems more dull for not having her in it, everything was better with her.

    I slipped up and sent her a text message yesterday and she never replied. I try to remind myself that it is selfish to contact her when she doesn't want to hear from me. The last thing I want to do is be a clingy, desperate weirdo with no dignity.

    My brain knows that this feeling will not consume me forever, though I am struggling to come to terms with the idea that she will never be in my life again. I still don't want to say we will never cross paths again because forever is a very long time! Maybe this is stupid to even entertain this thought, I am hoping in time we will catch up and be able to rekindle a friendship when my feelings have gone. It's unfortunate for me that she is not one to give people second chances, she has put me in the "too hard basket" and I think that is where I will always stay with her.
     
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  7. T.S.

    T.S. Member

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    She warned you before hand, that she doesn't feel like that, all the while you asked yourself if it was more, it's not her fault, she let you know what you were up to.

    The friends part makes it harder, the fact that she had a crush on you as well.

    You might both want to give this some time, don't have any hopes that it will become a relationship.
    I have dated women that I love and adore, but no matter how great they are, I will never be in a
    relationship with them, if they want to do things or hook up sure, depends, I'm there for them under certain circumstances, and they are for me.

    Right now you're probably blowing up her mind emotionally, and she needs space. I'm sure she misses you too, and her friend. It's just, you're putting so much pressure on something that she is not sure about.

    I don't know if there are right or wrong answers, tell you love her, but that if it won't work you'll give it some space, till both of you have sorted your feelings, to the point that you can be friends again. Tell her that having sex, and seeing while your attracted to her, is too difficult for you, but that doesn't change how great of a person she is for you, and that you hope that everything works out for her, in love and life, in the mean time, that if she wants to chat about the possibility of love, that you're open for that, and there for her to discuss those feelings, and if she needs you as a friend, that you're sorry that things went so confusing, and that you value her friendship and understand her side.

    And stop texting this stuff, call or go drink a cup of coffee for these heavy kinds of discussions
    I know these kinds of discussions can fry my brain, to the point I'll just run, untill I can deal with it, if ever.

    My memory of you now would be a lovesick person who I cannot connect to. You're trying to make something work/ makeup that maybe was never meant to be.

    Don't see it so black & white, I'm sure if you are still friends, you will get in touch again, at some point, either one or the other, and your friendship will be stronger, and you'll be giggling like old times.

    So, either buy some flowers and have them deliverd for example, and declare your love, tell her she means the world for you, and that you will accept her answer, or leave it be and put this romantic movie on the shelf, take some time, and go dating again, looking for a woman that wants the same as you in the relationship.

    At some point you two may have to sit down and have a good talk.

    This isn't about second changes, you haven't messed up, crush/love it is the same thing, don't worry so much about that, it's semantics in your head, asking what if, because it didn't work out as you hoped. This is about both of you being in a different place, while not sure what to do with your feelings, she sees you as a friend from what I can tell, and wants the best for you, and she doesn't think/feel/not sure that she is that person for you (and doesn't want to hurt you, or that you are sad because of her)

    I would understand if you were confused about your feelings, and she was too, I wouldn't beat myself on the head over that one, and otherwise maybe you need someone that does give you that room, or where you don't feel like that. It just feels like everythings been said, but the dust needs to settle. It cam about a bit clumsy with the both of you, which once again is understandable and recognizable.

    When the feeling is gone, sometimes the feeling is just gone, and then it is time to move on

    If she hasn't told you she doesn't want to talk to you, she could be fine with you talking to her, or just ignoring you, you can ask her to talk, and that if you don't hear anything that you'll see that as her not wanting to be in touch, and that you'll respect that, and that if in a while she wants to talk she is welcome to contact you, you can take it from there then at that time. It will give you some feeling to close the chapter and move on, while leaving options open for the future. That works best for me

    Hope it helps, I know it isn't easy when you are going through this, and I wish you both all the best with this

    Edit: but please correct me when I'm wrong anywhere
     
    #7
    Last edited: May 1, 2017
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  8. Beau_amc

    Beau_amc Member

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    Hi T.S thanks for your reply, I agree with all you have said. I have tried to talk about this with her but she is done, she has told me it's exhausting to talk about it and she doesn't understand other people's emotions, they scare her, confuse her and she doesn't understand them, (those are her words)

    She also said that she would be there again for me some day when I'm normal and that she really tried but can't deal with this on and off sad sort of friendship. That conversation was about 2 months ago, I have seen her around since because we have the same jobs for different companies, for the first few weeks, she would ignore me and walk straight past, now she will make a small smile and wave but that's it. She's a tough case, she doesn't have many friends or long term friends, she has pushed people away her whole life, that's another reason I beat myself up, she said I was the best friend she'd ever had, she trusted me and told me personal things about her life and I've let her down.

    Declaring my love for her will put a final nail in the coffin, so to speak. I know she has been talking to a guy online and is planning a trip to visit him.

    She hasn't blocked my number or me on Facebook, I'm trying not to think to much into that, she doesn't use Facebook much anyway.

    I would love to try for a friendship again in the future if she is willing (I just don't think she is or will be), right now I just don't know if my feelings will ever truly go away for her enough to risk it.

    Your words about me coming across as a lovesick person who she can't connect to do resonate with me and it's what I needed to hear. Thanks again
     
    #8
  9. T.S.

    T.S. Member

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    I think maybe your being too hard on yourself, not judging because I've been there, on both sides, somewhat, everybody is unique

    1. She lacks some form of social skills, or has issues she needs to solve first before she can commit to any long term relationship. You probably, maybe you can, but probably won't be able to solve that, she needs profesional help for that, and that could take years
    2. The fact she has had few friends, amd that she opened up to you, says more about your people skills. I wouldn't confuse that with anything else or be too hard on yourself. People argue in relationships, break up, but get back together, you may need a partner that is capable of working and communicating better, that embraces instead of pushing away. If your natural tendency is to sit down and work things out, and hers is to run away, well that's never gonna work, unless you both can figure out how to work with that
    3. Really glad to hear she waves, and you have found common ground, and that a friendship can be reestablished in the future. You both did well, and it is a sign of your friendship. It's good that you communicated like that, and I'm glad for you both.

    Look you spend 2 years a lot together, that is going to be tough for just about anyone.

    Sometimes we fall in love with impossible people for us, that stay with us for years.

    My advice? Download Tinder or something and go on a sex uh date binge, and then hopefully find someone that is a better partner for you, although something in me tells me somewhere you could work out, I don't know I get why your having trouble. My experience it's best to move on. When you set a bird free, sometimes it comes back tomsit on your hand years later, only to discover that it never would have worked anyway.

    In the meantime focus on other things, like sports, it gets better over time, with ups and downs.

    Your feelings may stay, until you fall in love with someone else, but you'll always feel something for her, and that is fine. She is special to you, and you to her. That is a beautiful and wonderful feeling, like no other. I think maybe only women/lesbians share that? I don't know.

    Sometimes talking about it helps give a place, and I'm glad you two were able to discuss things and get closure, while preserving a special friendship, that is worth something, you both did well, and have something beautiful to remember, and take with you into the future, in a special place.

    And it's o.k. to be lovesick, it has something romantic, as long as it doesn't turn into stalking

    It will get better, go out and have some fun, do you know how many hot bi/lesbians are out there? LOL
     
    #9
  10. Beau_amc

    Beau_amc Member

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    Thank you again for listening to me, you have saved me a tonne of money in psychology fees! talking this out , even with strangers has been really helpful for me.

    I am always too hard on myself, it's something I need to work on. Her and I were great as friends but would/will never work out as more than that, we are too opposite in personalities, I'm too much of a push over and she is way too bossy for me. She is confident and fiercely independent. When things get hard with people she will run, move on and never look back. That's not an ideal way to be but it's how she is and comes from things she has had to deal with in her past, that's her coping mechanism.

    When I say we smile and wave at each other, I should say that it's me that smiles and waves at her and she obliges and does the same back, I don't think she would do it if I didn't do it first, I guess it's one of those things that just doesn't feel real, for the last at least 1.5 years we would just always be together and now that's gone, I'm assuming this feeling is universal, how something good went so bad.

    Being the way she is with just moving to the next best thing, I feel I have lost any chance of a friendship for the moment to this guy she is talking to online. I really don't believe our friendship could go back to what it was and I'm not sure I'd want some half pretend friendship. I won't close the lines of communication, I'll try to move on and whatever will be will be.

    P.s thanks again, you have been great.

    P.p.s heart break sucksssssssss!!!!
     
    #10

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