Maybe it'll be too late for us then

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by plavomore, Dec 22, 2013.

  1. plavomore

    plavomore Member

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    I'll publish a “small” part of a report I sent to a friend. I have added some information in parentheses for clarity. It’s about how I fail to understand what has happened between my former best friend Lea and me. I have looked at this whole situation with Lea from various angles and I have talked about it with friends, with people I’ve just met - which is out of character for me - and with my mother, but I still have neither come to a conclusion nor reached some kind of closure.

    The dream was triggered by something that happened between my "straight" ??? best friend, whom I have known for almost 20 years, and me one summer. She said and did some things that were very hurtful for me. There are a few parallels between my dream and real life, for instance the sudden distance and widening gap I feel between her and me. I'm still trying to figure out why we aren't as close as we used to be. My explanations for her behavior are extremely contradictory. On the one hand I believe that she has difficulties accepting the "new me". I had come out to her a couple of years before and I had changed a lot. I even had the feeling that she might hate my guts because of the way she behaved. On the other hand, however, I think that she might have (platonic) feelings for me but that she would rather lose me as a friend than admit them. Third explanation: Lea has some serious issues with herself and she projected them into me.

    Lea came to visit me with one of her female friends [from now on Y], whom she has known for 9 years and who was a complete stranger to me, and we spent one week together in June. We went camping and on a short road trip for five nights. My best friend and I slept in one tent while Y slept in her car. Nothing sexual/intimate happened. I haven't seen my best friend as more than a friend and I haven't felt physically attracted to her before this camping trip.

    I noticed during this week that we spent together that something was bugging my best friend. Quite often I saw her chewing her fingernails, she either evaded my gaze or looked darkly at me, her arms very crossed in front of her chest very often. She was verbally aggressive towards me - insulting and condescending - and she was pissed off at me and I didn't know why because I hadn't done anything - apart from being me, but that sufficed obviously.

    No matter what I did or said it seemed to be wrong. I had the feeling that she wanted to change me completely. All of a sudden, it seemed to bother her where I live. (Lea: “when are you going to move out?”, we were sitting on my terrace when she asked me this, me: “why would I move out?”, she didn’t reply anything) and that I’m freelancing (Lea: “when are you going to find yourself a permanent job?”, me: “Why would I? I love being a freelancer.” Lea - in a very angry but somehow also resigned voice: “then be free!!!”). She mocked me because of my vegan diet and asked me to explain it to her, which I did even though we had already talked about it in depth more than four years ago. She commented on my outfit (in a way that was definitely not constructive) – which she had never done before: “do you really want to to wear this? Don’t you want to change?”. She made fun of one of my dogs because, among other things, in her opinion “such small dogs aren’t real dogs”. When I told Lea and Y that I’m happier in Croatia than I was in Germany despite all the bad and negative things that have happened here since my return, Lea asked me on several occasions to explain it to her instead of being happy for me.

    Lea and I went shopping for groceries with our dogs early one morning (without Y.) and she told me reproachfully after we had run into one of my acquaintances: "with every woman from your home town there's a reason why nothing more comes of it". I was flabbergasted at first and then like "so what?". I seriously didn't understand at that time why it bothered her that my girlfriend lives in another country and that I'm in a LDR instead of being in a relationship with a woman from my town. I asked myself whether she ever wondered why I don't fall for her and why I'm not in love with her but if she did then it would mean that she has been at least emotionally gay for me for a long time and I had no fucking clue. I retorted "I have every right to keep it like that". Lea didn'comment on that but remained silent. She knew that it was out of question for me to settle for what I called "foul compromises". Yes, it's absolutely true that there often was not just one reason why I didn't want to get involved with or engage in a relationship with some of the women I had told her about (just to name a few: one-sidedness, psychiatric drug addiction, intellectually and/or emotionally not on the same page or not compatible).

    One of my friends told me, after I had recounted to her how things went down between Lea and me, that she would have told Lea "tamo su vrata" (= the door is over there = leave! = get the fuck out of here) immediately after Lea's question when I would move out of my house. I told my friend "but ... I couldn't have done something like that - we've been friends for twenty years ...". She retorted: "No buts! It doesn't matter how long you knew each other. She's an asshole and didn't treat you as a friend".

    Lea either gave me evasive replies when I asked her what was wrong or she told me that nothing was wrong but I could clearly see that this was not the case. She didn't face me and couldn't even look me straight into the eyes when I tried to have a serious conversation with her about what was going on. That is why I think that she was keeping something from me.

    There was a lot of tension and unspoken things. I tried talking to Lea on several occasions and even told her once "we REALLY need to talk" but she ignored me and gave me the silent treatment. Even her friend Y asked a couple of times jokingly (I think that she also felt that Lea had crossed some boundaries): "shall I go inside or leave you two alone so that you can talk?" I think that this whole situation and the fact that I still don't know what caused the distance between my friend and me even haunts me in my dreams because I'm not getting any answers to my questions from her.

    Before Lea came to visit me, we hadn't seen each other for quite a long time since I left Germany and returned to my home country. Lea and I kept in touch, kept each other in the loop about everything that was happening in our lives, we e-mailed and skyped almost every day and we were both looking forward to seeing each other again. We both told each other often over the phone things like: "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you again" etc.

    The first thing my friend did when she got out of the car in front of my house were I was waiting for her and Y to arrive was that she hugged me although we have never greeted each other this way before (we used to only say hi and/or shake hands when we saw each other). Lea is definitely not a touchy-feely person unless when it comes to her dog or other animals. I was very happy to see her again and I told her that I couldn't believe that she was finally here. Lea smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy...

    However, even before we went on this camping trip [we spent two nights in my house] I noticed that my friend was very quiet. I ascribed this to her tiredness and the long drive from Germany to Croatia. The few times that Lea actually said something it always left me wondering what she was talking about because the things she said to me were completely unsubstantiated. For instance she told me in front of her friend: "you don't let other people near and close enough to you" or "you haven't had luck in love since the last time we played cards at your place in Germany". We were playing cards on my terrace and I was losing repeatedly like usually, Lea’s comment was in my opinion prompted by one of our inside jokes “unlucky at cards, lucky in love” – I still have absolutely no idea which year she was referring to. I was like "What? What are you talking about?" because she knew that I'm in relationship and that I'm happily in love with my girlfriend. This was one of the situations in which I said to Lea that we really need to talk and Y asked whether she should go inside or away so that Lea and I could talk in private. Lea had never told me something like that before which made me wonder later on “why now?”, “why in front of Y?” (for me this was a breach of trust), “when has Lea become so interested in my private life?”, “since when has she all of these opinions about it?”.

    Since I had noticed that something (or almost everything) was amiss and since I had the feeling that Lea was for some reason angry at me I asked her whether she still wanted me to accompany her and Y on the camping trip and she said yes. I thought that we might have more time to talk and clear things up and that I might find out what Lea's problem was but that didn't happen because my friend pretended that everything was fine when I asked her what was wrong and after trying several times I didn't want to insist on a serious conversation because I didn't want to ruin her vacation. I then broke off our camping trip prematurely because I couldn’t bear this whole situation anymore. Afterwards, I reproached myself that I haven’t demanded or pressed for an explanation for her weird behavior. I was hurt, confused, and incredibly sad, but instead of telling Lea how I felt I packed my bags and left. I told her later in one of my e-mails. Timing obviously wasn't my forte.

    During the whole week that we spent together my friend only asked me once whether things were going well between my girlfriend and me. Her voice was barely audible when she asked me this because she was whispering and she stared at the ground and didn't dare to look at me as if she was afraid of my reply.

    I even asked Lea once point-blank whether she was jealous. She replied “why would I be jealous of you?” and tried to laugh it off contemptously but it wasn’t convincing. Back then, it had not occurred to me that I should have asked her whether she’s jealous of other women. Prior to this short “conversation” Lea could not stop teasing me about the night before. Lea, Y, the dogs and I had gone for a walk but after approximately 30 minutes Y and Lea told me that they were exhausted and that they would go back to the camping ground with their dogs. Since I wasn’t tired at all I told them that I would walk to the old town and first find an internet café to check my emails and that I would later look for a nice café or lounge bar with a terrace facing the sea and chillax there. When I returned to the camping ground a few hours later Lea and Y were still awake. Lea immediately started teasing me “I thought that you would be in a club all night, hook up with a girl and would sneak back into the tent early in the morning”. I told her I never said that. The next morning - which was also our “last” morning - Lea continued teasing me about the previous night. In Germany there's a saying "was sich neckt, das liebt sich" (those who tease each other are in love with each other).

    There was another situation [this was shortly before we said goodbye] where I had the impression that Lea is jealous. I told her that I wanted to visit a woman I met last summer because we had a nice time together and I thought that we could become friends. Lea then told me reproachfully: "You're going to fall in love with her, TOO". I was totally taken aback by this comment bacause I didn't know what had prompted the hurt I heard in her voice. Instead of asking her how this "TOO" in her sentence was meant, I assured her that this was not going to happen not only because I have a girlfriend but also because I'm not at all attracted to this woman. Again, she could not look at me directly and when I succeeded to catch her eyes she quickly looked away.

    One of the last things Lea told me was “if you leave now we don’t have to say goodbye again at the airport”. Lea and her dog had to return to Germany a few days before Y that's why she had booked a flight. Y and her dog returned to Germany in her car. To me, it sounded like “if you leave now it’s over and we’re done". I had the feeling that she was trying to emotionally blackmail me to stay...

    Did I feel like she led me on? Physically no, but mentally and emotionally yes. Never before had I experienced such a mindfuck as with Lea.

    What is it to her how close I let other people? How did she form her opinion that I don't let people near enough to me? I don't know what her opinion about this matter was based on. She was my best friend and I used to tell her almost everything. Mentally and emotionally I let her closer to me than anyone else. She used to be the person who knew me the best. She was my closest friend and now I think that she's my closeted friend. I know that I used to hold a lot of things back and I'm still very introverted most of the time but I never opened up to anyone as much as I did to her while I still considered her my best friend. I asked myself whether Lea thought that I didn't let her close enough to me. If this was the case, why has she never told me? I still wonder whether she ever wanted me to be physically closer to her? I'm sure that she wasn't talking about other people. Why would she care how close I let other people? It bothered her that I didn't let her closer. She couldn't have meant mentally, intellectually, and emotionally (you know, like talking about your innermost feelings, thoughts, wishes etc.) - I think that she meant physically but she'd never admit that. I'm sure that a part of her wants to be with me and another part of her is confused and terribly scared. She wants me but she's too afraid to say or show it and I want someone who isn't afraid to say that they want me. I guess we've reached an impasse.

    There's a Croatian saying which states that a dog doesn't bark because of the village but because of himself. Maybe one day Lea will realize that she has been barking up the wrong tree, maybe she'll have a moment of truth and clearvoyance and admit that she had feelings for a woman - for me - and maybe it will be too late for us then.
     
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  2. ciba29

    ciba29 Member

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    Oh man, that's unfortunate to hear that your long time best friend has distanced herself from you and has suddenly acted different towards you. I feel like she may actually have feelings for you. All you can do is tell her how you feel and let her know that you have been noticing these differences and her odd remarks that are coming from left field. Let her know that you are there for her but not until she responds and communicates with you can things get better. You've done everything you can do, and you've just got to hope that she comes around. It may be fiction but I'm sure there are stories where the best friend has grown feelings stronger than just friends and perhaps he/she doesn't know how to express these new found feelings? Just my thoughts :)
     
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