Married to a man, met a woman- confused?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Octavia7, Aug 3, 2019.

  1. Octavia7

    Octavia7 New Member

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    I'm a married woman to a man in my late 30s with one 6 year old son. Over the last year, I met a woman and we developed a friendship. She is also married with multiple children. There are a few days a week where we've texted for a few hours- day or night. There was flirting- (difficult to tell if it was friendly for fun), and light touching. An escalation of sorts. I've felt her watch me or look at my body- once over glances. There have been a few times that she has stared at me intensely (no smile- just deep stare), or grabbed my shoulder. But, other times the moments are more friendly as we discuss our lives, children, husband. Ultimately, I'm now questioning what this all means for my sexuality. I've been raised and around gay women my whole life and never felt an attraction. So this is purely person specific for me. And, I feel it energetically in a big spiritual way. We went out privately a few times, one occasion she opened the door about how maybe it would be easier with a woman- and how most women she knew had psychical relations with women in college and married men. However, we dance around the topic, and I didn't share my history- a few dalliances in college. And on the walk home there was sexual tension (perceived by me). But, she also talked about her husband, so even in that moment it seemed insane to make any move. I'm trying to respect boundaries so I don't ruin the friendship. I don't think I made up this attraction, but I'm also not clear how aware she is about it or how she processes it. Maybe it's someone that appreciates the attention.

    My husband and I talk about open relationships and is aware to a degree of this attraction, but not entirely how I feel that I'm now questioning what this means for my sexuality. And, I also worry this a symptom too of being married for a while. It's erotic and fun to exchange this energy with someone new.

    However, this is where it's painful. She recently pulled back on our texting banter. She's not entirely unresponsive- but doesn't engage in the longer back-and-forth. She conveyed that she has just been busy. Yet I see she is often on social media. I'm doing my best to not outreach to her to offer space. However, I feel very sad and confused, and I miss her.

    It also feel super triggering for me- energetically to feel her pull back this way. It's created a lot of personal anxiety.

    Has anyone had similar experiences? Or advice? Or, do you have suggestions of what to do as I work through identifying my sexuality identity or what this really means?
     
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  2. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    If you were both single, I would say, “go for it” and pursue her with vehemence. However, that is not the case at all. It sounds if you are falling in love with her or you two are developing a deeply emotional connection that is scaling the line of a forming love. Perhaps, to some degree, there is a romantic fixation on the exoticism of being with her. However, love is love and hurt is hurt, irrespective of orientation. How would you feel if your husband felt this way about someone else? What would you want him to do?

    I can only assume that you and your husband are experiencing a hardship in your relationship. Or perhaps you are bored with the mundane of your life with him . You are in an adult relationship and that is not always jubilant. Those days are not always happy and filled with joviality. In a real adult relationship you bare it all: the bills, the child, the pets, the careers, the tears, the heartbreak, the pain, etc. It is very possible that this woman is an escape. Perhaps she is not attached to the responsibility that you hold in your real adult relationship.

    For some reason, I always met amazingly beautiful people when I was in adult relationships. These people were beautiful and seemed to encompass everything that my partners lacked. They were kind and considerate and unselfish, etc. However, I always reminded myself that I was mesmerized by the possibly of them because I did not know them. They were new, as my partners once were. Adult relationships do not stay in a honeymoon phase because it progresses. Love is a test. When you are in a relationship, life will send people your way to test the core of it.

    My first piece of advice to you is if you discover that, for whatever reason ,your husband is not the person for you, let it end organically. Do not let another person be the reason for why it ended. Consider this scenario: What if you leave your husband for this woman and it does not work out? Then your husband finds someone else. If this occurs, you will always be hunted by what you could have had with him. However, if it ends organically, you can put the relationship behind you and move on. If you cheat on him, it will hurt him and shatter the foundation of what you belt with him.

    My second piece of advice is that you should end all contact with her for the sake of your current relationship and see what will become of it. Respect your marriage and husband enough to do this. If your relationship organically dies, bury it and move on.

    Only you can truly answer the question of what it all means. You are attracted to her, the connection is exhilarating, and there are feelings there…. What is at stake?
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Edit...

    I find straight married women to engage in such behavior in general. Such behavior as in harmless flirting. Your friend may have thought that both of you being married to men that this was all a joke.

    I know you miss her but the best thing to do is to let her initiate stuff. Women like that have a tendency to flirt with you to oblivion and run away. Give it all the non seriousness that she deserves.

    On the Open relationship, do it because you really really love the idea of sharing your husband with someone. And also you need to know what kind of open relationship he is thinking about because it maybe very different from yours. Finally, if you want to see about other women who are gay and married, there is a good forum on “Lavender Visions”. Just google it. That is something you might find support in your attraction to women while married to a man. You are not alone.

    Also, might want to find the type of friendship that you need, people who are there for you and not someone who is hot and cold.

    Good luck.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 7, 2019
  4. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    “Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind.” – Toni Morrison
     
    #4
  5. Octavia7

    Octavia7 New Member

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    Thank you for your conscientious and spiritual insightful advice.

    I have a wonderful husband and I guess that is also what makes this attraction to a woman so difficult. I never felt that chemical spark with him but rather a deep respect, friendship and partnership. I weighed this as a more important foundation. Of course, when hit with a big energy of another person- a loving energy and also a physical desire- it makes it quite confusing- more specially because it is a woman.

    I think she also has a happy marriage and conveyed to me that she took a leap of faith on a “partner” - not some crazy emotional connection.

    Since she returned from her vacation she started texting and writing again. A lot. I don’t know if it was being away with family or what. However I notice she has another woman friend on social media she is quite active with. So maybe she’s just super into connecting with women in this way and I’m not particularly special.

    I communicated to my husband the concerns about my sexuality. He’s very supportive.

    In the meantime, in one of our exchanges we circled around the topic of same sex attraction. She basically said she wasn’t sure but could understand the appeal. However she recently shared news that indicates she is very committed to her partner. So I’m aware that this is the higher call- for both of us. Although I’ve had flashes of signals they may have a more open marriage. Even still it’s a lot to process.

    It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my heart. It also hurts spiritually to some degree. Because the desire to touch her feels like a manifestation or way to express my love.

    But the intensity of the connection just may be too much. For me to navigate. I may open a conversation so I can learn the accurate perception. But even then, not everyone accesses that depth of self awareness.

    I reviewed the forum on Laverne’s visions and they recently shut it down which was so sad to see. I was finding it a very useful place to not feel alone in this later in life discovery.

    Anyway thank you again for your insights!


     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    @Octavia7, how are you? I am sorry I have not seen your reply till now. I am sorry they have closed down the forums on lavendar visions, they have once helped many women in your shoes. I am astounded by it. I know threads are getting buried here, but feel free to post if you need to talk.

    I think the forums got expensive for her practice, I looked it up and the unlimited plan as of my writing is about 400 dollars a month. For a therapist though, her charges are quite reasonable. Try an excerpt of her book on Amazon or something to see if she speaks to you.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 1, 2019
  7. Octavia7

    Octavia7 New Member

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    Really deeply appreciate your outreach. Thank you. Yes, I was very disappointed that they closed the lavendar's forum as well. It's too bad they couldn't host the content somehow because there was a lot of information that was helpful to read. It's good to know this is an experience that others have been through. Yet, like all of us, we walk the path alone. So navigating that is a solo venture that takes some deep introspection.

    We've reconnected this fall. It's had it's ebbs and flows emotionally. Maybe, mostly that happens due to the need for restraint or expectations. It seems extraordinarily strange, but I feel an intense spiritual and energetic heartfelt connection to her. Even when away. It's an extraordinary soul connection. And, I'm trying to pass it over to my higher power and to stay steady for the moment. Whatever happens in the moment to be there with an unconditional love.

    The physical part seems to ebb and flow on certain occasions. There are moments I just feel a presence of love, and others maybe a reserve, and at times flirting and extraordinary spark. I'm searching for a therapist to help navigate it. It's when I get attached to the desire to kiss her that creates sadness.

    My husband and I have a positive, open and loving home. So, I know this isn't attributed to some "dsyfunction." It's just the way life evolved.

    I don't want to say goodbye. It is like a I found someone that I lost in a previous life. And, I will wait this life out being a friend and knowing I'll find her soul again in the next one. I'm mindful that I don't want to be disruptive to her life or my life. I will do my best to love in the highest power.

    I'm not fully clear if my sexuality changed or if I was resistant to this before. But, I know that the sexual feelings are tied to her and not necessarily ones I feel for any other woman or man for that matter. But I guess, it's also good to let it all unfold. Trust that if deeper words need to be said between us they will come in the right way and at the right time. Easier to write, than live. Especially when you are hit with a yearning. In a way, the only information that would be most helpful is if she said that she didn't feel anything. That way, I could say I made it all up in my head. I would still feel hurt, but at least I would know....whether she felt it too or not.

    I will check out the book too. Thank you again for the followup and recommendation.
     
    #7
  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    There had been crushes that I have had that I wanted to think that the other person really felt something for me. I have had very romantic close friendships with women but ultimately they were not interested in anything beyond friendship. Your feelings are strong and real and they are learning of the types of attractions you have. Think of this as self discovery and not so much that she is the one. She would be if she reciprocates. And you already know you can’t make a move on a married woman. Certainly the things she had said about she can “see the appeal” and that she is committed to her marriage are very good hints she wants you to see her as a friend. I think part of you know this because you did not talk about your time in college.

    She kinda knows you are into her and if you confess anything she will run away. Some women do that, get things out of you because they have a vibe and they will flirt and tease till they get a confirmation. It is a coping mechanism because woman are raised not to be direct and not to embarrass. I am sorry to be a lot less on the romantic side on this but I hope you protect yourself in all of this.
     
    #8

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