Married and Questioning

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by KLee902, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. KLee902

    KLee902 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2018
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi all, this is my first post here. Please be gentle. I am 37 and have only in the past year come to realize that I am not straight. I am married, with 2 kids- 6 and 9. My marriage has been struggling for about a year, with my husband struggling with depression and trauma. We have also struggled financially. Oh and we have not had sex in over a year.

    I had sexual play with other girls as a child but have never had any sexual experiences with women. In the past year, the desire to have sexual contact with a woman is overwhelming. When I dream, it’s about kissing women. When I watch tv I want to watch women together romantically.

    I have read old threads on here about others experiences similar to mine. I recently told a close friend about my situation and she was very supportive. I live in a small town and some of my family are religious and homophobic. I need to tell my husband how I feel as it is eating me up inside. I have hope that he is not completely oblivious, after all he knows I am deeply in love with Nicole daSilva of the tv show Wentworth lol I think he knows our marriage is not good and that it could be ending. I’m very worried about my children, who are very sheltered in a not at all diverse community. We have been to the local Pride parade as a family and have taught acceptance, but I don’t want to create homophobic kids cause my sexuality could break up our family.

    Sorry for the long rant. Any positive/ real advice/ shared stories would be greatly appreciated.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,054
    Likes Received:
    920
    As a mom and a good adult, you are probably looking at far reaching consequences of all your actions. If your husband is already depressed, keeping him won't help the kids future. At least in my town, 50 percent of the marriages break up. There are lots of kids out there with single parents or co-parents who are not together. You can only make this one step at and time and make it a teachable moment for your kids. There are more excellent ways always to treat someone you are with even in a divorce. I know money's tight but please find counseling resources and offer it to him. He knows but doesn't really. He is in denial and will go through a period of hurt. I would not wait till you find someone before breaking it to him.

    I think you would first need to assemble friends who can jump in and help you with your kids or just about anything when things go rough with your husband. I don't mean physically but you will need help while you are in long talks together. He will wonder if it was all a lie, he will wonder if you had ever loved him. You will need to be prepared for these questions from him.

    Go to https://lavendervisions.com and read the story of this author. She also has a forum there and you can see what women go through and you might be able to get some advice there as well.
     
    #2
    Nancy likes this.
  3. KLee902

    KLee902 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2018
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you for the response greylin. I have read many articles on lavendervisions and have found them helpful. One of my biggest fears is that my husband will shut me out and not let me try to explain things to him, as he tends to walk away during difficult conversations, and it doesn’t get much more difficult than this one. He is a great man and dad to our kids and I really hope we can find a new reality that is best for all of us.
     
    #3
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    724
    Likes Received:
    1,042
    Hey there....You've done nothing wrong except come to recognize something about yourself that you may or may not have known was there. Coming to grips with who we are is different for everyone.

    That being said, I see the mixing of two issues here...apples and oranges, if you will:

    1. Your marriage;
    2. Your sexual orientation.

    One is not necessarily the product of the other. The problems in your marriage may or may not have anything to do with your figuring things out about yourself. Take your questioning or fantasies about women out of the equation, and I'm willing to bet that the problems you're having in the marriage will still be there -- depression, trauma, inability to communicate (you said your husband walks away from tough conversations). Sometimes for no one reason in particular, people grow apart. It happens all the time. In any event, you're not getting your needs met by the partner you chose in marriage. The breakup of your marriage may well not have anything to do with who you are...and the problems you're enduring may be why you're focusing so much on your own identity as well because that's the one thing that you can rationalize.

    Then there's realizing you may not be straight. How you deal with this is critical -- by that I mean, don't go behind your husband's back and cheat -- ultimately you need to resolve (1) whether you want this marriage to work despite the issues you're having and (2) how you want to proceed forward either in the marriage or not. Only you know what you want out of this.....but there's a certain liberating feeling about living honestly -- and by that I mean, admitting either that your marriage has problems on its own and/or you want out or by admitting you're not straight and you need to pursue who you really are.

    At some point you're going to have a difficult conversation no matter what you choose. Think about your kids in all of this too -- I know people who have happier kids because they're not staying in a miserable marriage for their sake.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2018
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    616
    Likes Received:
    574
    So, it seems like your relationship needs a course correction and some care, regardless of your interest in women (exclusive or not). I'd consider couples' counseling, to find a path forward in the context of depression, trauma, and other stressors - especially given your husband's pattern of avoiding difficult situations. Beginning work on that challenge - of communicating, of living through depression and trauma, of centering your kids without sacrificing yourselves - is foundational here.

    It is absolutely possible to amicably end a relationship that is no longer serving you. I have friends who divorced with no hard feelings, who went through a rough patch without losing respect for each other, who coparent as thoughtful friends. It's not a common story, but "breaking up a marriage" does not have to ruin your lives or your kid's lives.

    My wife is the child of divorced parents; because her parents broke up, she has a stepmother she loves and an extended family she never anticipated. She has seen both of her parents change for the better, and find ways of living that make them happy. As an adult, she honestly acknowledges that her parents' were not able to be kind to each other by the end of their marriage and that staying married out of a sense of obligation to her and her sister made the situation worse.

    And then - well, I think it's absolutely possible that you will want to end your marriage because you want to pursue relationships with women. I also think it's possible that this not-straightness is coming up because your marriage is not working for you, and it presents a clear exit strategy. Which is not to say that you are straight! but that when your marriage was serving your needs, you did not feel this pull away from it. I don't think you should stay, but I also think that "I'm gay" is an excuse - however true! - when really what you seem to be saying is "I don't want to be in this relationship any more."
     
    #5
    Bluenote, EvedeGeneve and Spygirl like this.
  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,054
    Likes Received:
    920
    I see what @Spygirl and @lorienczhiu are saying, to separate what is going on between your marriage and your sexuality.

    I think a lot of things are not necessarily so cut and dry but it is in a continuum. I have read a lot of stories of women who are married and gay. I have also listened to a lot of straight women who talk about their husbands in very negative light, especially after they had kids. Those straight women tend to say things about how much better it would have been with a woman than a man. Those straight women may go as far as flirting with other women but would never leave a man for a woman.

    So, I would think there is one end of these married women who are straight but simply think the grass is greener on the other side and are generally exasperated by their spouses. Then on the other end you have women who have completely ignored their sexuality and married men to be "normal" until they could not take it anymore.

    I think you are on the end of a gay woman who wanted to be "normal" and made yourself fall for a nice guy. (He and your kids went to pride!) I am not sure if he is really the type that avoids difficult topics or he just wanted to avoid this really big and difficult topic. I tried kicking around in his shoes a bit and I think I would have kinda buried what will ultimately happen until it really gets spelled out for me. I know what it is like to be in love hard and have planned my life with and around someone. All I can say is to let empathy, but not guilt be your guide in this. Guilt makes you try to do some things right but is ultimately self serving, so try not to fall for that one. Please get as much support for yourself as you can as you navigate this. I wish you and your family all the best. I am so glad for @lorienczhiu's narrative about a step-family. A good family is however you want to configure it. I hope you carry with you all the goodness, clarity and calm when you get this sorted.
     
    #6
  7. sunsetdawn

    sunsetdawn Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2018
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3
    My ex husband and I will soon celebrate our 40th anniversary. Every year we celebrate the day we first met. I am mentioning this because as you get older and inch closer and closer to leaving this world, you begin to realize nothing matters more than time and love. I love my ex husband and he is dying. Life is a very precious thing. Don't waste it by being stupid with the time you have left.

    Like your husband, my ex also struggled with depression. Unfortunately, over time, the meds he took damaged his heart. Though we were only married a short time, I maintained a friendly relationship with him since the divorce, sometimes with great difficulty and personal sacrifice, for the sake of my kids that loved and cared for their dad..

    How you handle this situation will affect how people treat you, respect you, support and nurture you. As the healthy parent in this relationship it is up to you to grab ahold of the wheel and steer this ship out of the storm. Your children are depending on you.

    Don't stab the heart of someone that is already suffering with emotional and mental health issues by mentioning your new found love of women. It will bring unnecessary pain into your life and his, and may backfire leaving you without custody of your children.

    Getting your husband the help he needs now will make a huge difference in your life moving forward. The children love their father, and will be in his life whether he is healthy or not. Trust me, for everyone's peace of mind, it is better that he is healthy.

    Most husbands feel it is their job to protect and provide for their family. If he failed at that job, failed his family, it can easily lead to depression. Unless safety is a concern, get your emotional and financial ducks in a row before even considering a divorce. Get your family as healthy as possible by seeking out all the free and low cost medical and financial services available to you through your local job and family service office, health care providers, credit unions etc. Take care of the baggage in your current relationship before considering moving onto another. Best of luck to you and your family.
     
    #7
    Spygirl and greylin like this.

Share This Page