Many Mixed Signals

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Livinlife, Dec 6, 2014.

  1. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    I have a bisexual friend that I have liked for a bit now. We're pretty close, text each other almost non-stop, are co-leaders of a club, and are always talking. She'll compliment me a lot and drop little hints and suggestions here and there but then she'll say she is not interested in dating at this time. All of the little flirtatious gestures are nice but her constant reminding that she does not want to date anyone right now is nerve wracking and sends a lot of mixed signals. Could this be teasing or is this really a sign she's not interested?
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You haven't really given enough info to tell. "Compliments" and "drops hints," is kinda vague. Maybe you could explain a few of the hints more?
     
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  3. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    Hints such as; "I would date someone like you" and "We should go out sometime.... alone"
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Has she said why she's not interested in dating at this time? I mean, has said like 'I just got out of a bad relationship,' or 'I want to focus on school / my career / washing my hair?'
     
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  5. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    She's never stated why, I know for a fact that she hasn't gotten out of a bad relationship and she's not really focusing on anything at the moment.
     
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  6. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Communication is a two way street, if u have questions when she says those things...ask them.
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Hmm... this is a tough one. I think you (we) need more information. I agree with Moses that you should talk with her (talk, not text, so you can judge her reaction). I don't think it has to be a big, heavy, relationship talk. But I do think you could ask some questions and flirt some - get more info.

    It's also hard to answer, because I'm not sure what you want. Do you really, really like her? Are you lukewarm, but you'd be willing to date her a bit and see? Would you be OK with hooking up, but don't want anything serious?

    As to what is happening - Options I see:

    a) She's just not into you 'in that way,' but she wishes she was. I once had a friend, let's call him "Mike." Mike was everything I could ever want in a partner - sweet, funny, smart, cute. Except - he was a Mike and not a Michelle. So I would totally have dated someone like him (minus the penis, plus lady parts).
    Maybe she likes your personality, but you aren't her type looks wise or chemistry wise or something.

    b) She does like you, but doesn't want to act on it because she doesn't want to date right now. People don't want to date for all sorts of reasons - just got out of a bad relationship, enjoying single life, going through health problems, etc...

    c) She likes you, not super crazy intense, but some. However, she doesn't want to go there, because she doesn't want to wreck a friendship, make things weird with the club, because she doesn't want to date, etc...

    I guess if you chat her up about her "type," it might help you sort out option a). I mean, if she's totally into femmes and you're a tomboy - might explain a lot.
    You could also ask her why she isn't into dating right now, her answer might help you understand things.
    Also, you could take her up on her offer to go out alone and judge from there.

    My first date with my wife was 'two people from a circle of friends who went out alone.' I wasn't sure if it was a date, or just getting together with a friend. She wasn't sure if it was a date either. But we both liked each other and wanted it to be a date. And when we both showed up, freshly showered, in cute outfits - we knew it was a date.
     
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  8. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    Communication is difficult if all she says is that she's not interested in dating right now.
     
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  9. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    I understand your point of not being her type and it would be interesting to know exactly what her type is. We do talk a lot outside of texting and so I do see her reactions often. I'm not exactly sure how to judge them though because of how she acts around most people; touchy and personable.
     
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  10. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Well not really. Ur just allowing it to be by allowing her to dictate the information flow. How she feels about you is of interest to you. She has put it on the agenda somewhat by her occasional comments about u and her. So next time she makes a comment, ask her what she means? It's not an unreasonable question as her comments relate directly to you.

    If u tense up and/or boarderline panic when these types of comments r made...then perhaps that's ur body/mind's way of telling u that this girl is not for u for whatever reason. However, if ur capable of reacting when this comes up again, do. I wouldn't give this kind of advice to everyone, but u seem kinda level headed. Why not apply that level headedness to ur love life? This approach will save u alot of time if she is not interested and will perhaps give her the opening she is looking for if she is. Wondering and inactivity will get u nowhere and if her comments r indeed hints, a non-commital mute response is not exactly giving her the green light Re ur interest in her.

    Good luck.
     
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  11. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    Thanks for your advice Moses; I'll definitely ask the next time a possible hint comes up. I asked once in the past but she just said "who knows what it means" so this time I'll try and push just a little bit but not too much to see if I can get a different response from her.
     
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  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, I guess the other question is, do you actually want to pursue this? I mean - if she says one thing and does another, flirts but won't give plain answers - do you want to date her? Seems like you could be setting up for continued confusion.
     
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  13. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Gosh. That seems exceptionally cagey! I see ur point. She definitely likes to control the situation. Ur mission I suppose is to try n find a way to redress that balance. My guess is that she has feelings but is trying to circumnavigate some emotional issue or current sitz or past misadventure which makes her feel like she is not ready or able to get involved. She is probably wounded in some way is my guess, or trust Issues.

    How deep n meaningful do ur chats get? What level r ye on emotionally? What I mean is, is talking to her about her feelings and her past generally some thing that happens? R is it more a superficial 'let's keep it light n have fun' kinda buzz?
     
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  14. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I see this as simple. Maybe she likes the attention she gets from you and maybe on some level she does like you. But if she keeps saying that she doesn't want to date anyone right now, then that's what you have to assume is her truth.
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I should hope that connecting with a potential love should not be just a series of second guessing and delving into the minutia of what was texted that day. I think if I did that all the time I wouldn't know who I was at the end of it.

    I should hope that it is a simple thing as two people giving each other a chance of happiness in life. Once the question is asked and answered, she should let you know for sure if she had changed her mind and wanted to have a relationship with you and not hint around. Agree with Spygirl, I wouldn't assume anything but what she had already told you, plus I would move onto someone who is ready to date.
     
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  16. Livinlife

    Livinlife Member

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    I don't really know how exactly to judge what emotional level we're on but I wouldn't say it's too deep. I'm still waiting for an opportunity to ask if there's a specific reason she isn't interested in dating at the moment. She hasn't said anything or shown that she has any kind of trust issues at all.
     
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  17. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    That sounds lovely Greylin and that is the thoughts and actions of an emotionally mature and open woman. Most people don't start that way. I observe young kids growing up in my neighborhood, the way they play with each other as kids and the way the play changes between the boys and girls as puberty hits and sexual curiosity awakens. Straight kids get hundreds of opportunities to have little crushes and interactions all through their teens. The culmination of this is that they have had the opportunity to grow into the ability to have appropriate meaningful relationships. Gay kids often don't get the chance. Love for many a gay teen is often a covert affair to be hidden or dreamed about or subverted or is subject to doubt and examination. Not always, but certainly sometimes. By the time gay folks have the confidence and the space to begin exploring who they are and looking to date, they are often a decade behind their straight counterparts. So all that awkwardness, that vulnerability, that nerves, that exploration of how to express desire appropriately is built up and stagnant and being lived at an age where u r supposed to have a lot of that kinda stuff down already.

    So many of a lesbians first crushes and experiences are not true love or mature love or compatible love, they instead are about learning how to love and more importantly I suppose, how not to love. That is how I read many of the DSLM threads on here. People are at different stages of learning and can only do their best. Often it seems abundantly clear that it will come to nothing or is a mismatched hopeless case, but how the OP reacts within the situation or if they develop an ability to back themselves or learn when to walk away is so important a lesson for them going forward. Maybe it won't work out with the current girl or the next one after that even, but eventually they will learn something with each 'bad' experience so that they can grow to become an emotionally mature and open woman who will be snapped up in a second. (Not talking about you LIvinlife, just in general. I also hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to school you Greylin or imply that I found ur post wanting...I did not. These are just my musings on the subject.)
     
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  18. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So how much do you like her? If you really do why not take her up on going out alone as she has suggested. Don't think of it as leading to something but just enjoy the present and be like really really there. That may give you some clarity?
     
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Just read this after my latest post and thanks. I enjoy reading your perspective.
     
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  20. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I would love to meet this mythical woman who 'likes the attention' of an unrequited crush and goes out of her way to keep this crush on the line with suggestive comments so as to keep said crush as a friend. I mean, how desperate for a friend would you have to be? Surely having a non-romantically interested friend/s would be such an easier prospect?

    Over the years, I've come across hundreds of situations where a friend discovered that another friend fancied them. No one was ever ever flattered. Of course, when it was time for 'the talk' it always started of with the clanger 'i'm flattered, but....' But this was a total lie in all cases. It was considered bad news to greater or lesser degrees by all and something that had to be 'handled delicately' or 'managed' somewhat like a bomb that might go off in ur hands. No body certainly 'liked the attention'. Instead they were concerned with maintaining their boundaries as the crushee (?) pushed against them as well as trying to minimize inappropriate behavior, anger, sulking, possessive behavior and the potential backlash of the woman scorned. Keeping the friendship and trying not to hurt the friend were also factors.

    The only person I ever met who deliberately and willfully set out to flirt with people to get them interested and kept them on as friends was someone who had huge behavioral problems who couldn't behave herself enough to keep regular friends. The only people who tolerated her behavior were devotees who had it bad for her. But most people are not like that. Most people are well able to make regular friends and keep them. I am genuinely bewildered and would love it someone took the time to explain to me what form this 'attention' could take that would possibly be welcome if you weren't interested in that person romantically?

    Not putting you on the spot specifically Spy and not meaning to challenging ur perspective. I'm happy to hear from anyone with insight on this topic It's just always being something that bemused me as I've never encountered such a phenomenon. I always just thought it was something straight boys said to themselves. 'Girls are flattered if you hit on them' to allow themselves to feel OK about the borderline aggessive pick up tactics they egged each other on to try in nightclubs or 'she enjoys the attention' to make themselves feel OK about flirting with people who show no interest in them or to minimize their embarrassment at misreading an uninterested girl's signals. I was a bit gob smacked when I first came on AE and found girls talk like this too...so here I am...what is it, maybe 4 years on now, asking. Can someone, preferably someone who enjoys people they don't fancy fancying them, please explain it to me? If mostly ur perspective is that of someone who felt other girls were flirting with you because they 'enjoyed the attention' you gave them, then maybe I don't want to hear from you as I won't really believe you. But the former would be good please...

    Sorry Livinlife...bitta hijacking going on here. I was just thinking of ur situation today and these thoughts came up for me. Hope u don't mind...
     
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    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014

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