major crush on a girl.but highly unprobable

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by GreenBeen, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Hey girls,

    So I'm in my mid twenties. And I've had many experiences liking straight girls or starting to crush on someone hoping they will be gay or at least somewhat bisexual.

    I can't help it but I've developed a crush on a girl I work with. I try my very best to not ever get involved with coworkers because I have in the past and the outcome was not good.

    So I'm most likely going to keep this one just as a fantasy...although I have a small glimmer of hope.

    So this girl is the same age as me. And at first I didn't even like her. In fact she use to get on my nerves. But over time, I don't know what happened but I started to notice her beauty and somehow I just became drawn to her.

    We don't hang out or anything of the sorts. We will say hi how are yous, smile at each other, and do lots of small talk.

    We started following each other on social media. And of course, I just think she is being friendly but she has liked many of my posts.

    Doesn't mean anything perhaps, but she has almost a thousand people on instagram and I posted something a few days ago. Its not like it appeared on the main feed anymore..she had went out of her way on my profile to like it in the wee hours of the morning. So it got me thinking if she didn't have any interest at all why on earth would she go on my profile she must have an inkling of interest to go searching for my profile.

    Other than that, I had caught her staring at me a few times recently and even complimenting me on my bass playing skills which are what I post on my instagram.

    Also, I was helping her with something and winked at her to let her know I was helping her. She just winked back and stared at me with a smile. I'm probably reading into it but then again she just kept smiling and staring at me.

    Does she know I'm gay? Well on my Facebook I follow lesvian pages, and on my instagram every Wednesday I post a woman crush Wednesday post. I've never posted any men pictures. So she must see my clear expression in interest towards women.


    So I don't know. My instincts are lukewarm because she seems like your typical straight girl, very girly, in the past I have seen her get together with guys at work so already right there she's define try not gay. But perhaps my only hope is that she is bi.

    Of course there is that eye contact. I'm afraid to be obvious because I love looking into her eyes. She has these beautiful brown eyes that are so dreamy.

    I really do not want to be the one making the moves or anything of the sorts to create an awkwardness since we work together. It would have to be her. But in life you never know, maybe she has an attraction towards me too.

    Any thoughts?
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You haven't said anything in your post that screams 'yes, she is clearly into you.' All of the things that you have described are either very subjective (how long someone looks at you) or could be just friendly, but not romantic interest. Plus, on the big down side, she talks about guys, but hasn't said anything about girls.

    Given that you work with her, I think you would be best to steer clear. Work stuff can go really bad. And hitting on a straight girl at work can go really, really bad.

    I'm thinking that it is time for you to make a real effort to meet actual gay women. You have had a couple of crushes in a row on unavailable women. Put yourself out there in situations where you will meet honest to goodness gay women. There are plenty of out women in the world and you will have better luck with them, I think.

    Good luck.
     
    #2
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi GreenBeen,
    It sounds like you have it figured out as far as not going there but you just wanna share this moment and see what we think, yeah?

    I think straight women sometimes like having a gay woman friend. It is a combination of curiosity, entertainment, being able to say, "I know this gay lady, she's hilarious.", maybe having someone who sorta likes her but she is not worried about being aggressive or having to reciprocate because all she'd have to do is pull out the straight card, and just being friendly. It does sound like she is seeking you out, not for a romance, but those "likes" are telling. I think she is curious about you but it won't go anywhere. If you respond just a bit too friendly she'll run.

    P.S. By "she'll run", I mean that she maybe looking for any confirmation that you are into her. This is so that she could check the box of having been liked by a girl. No good will come being an extra stamp on her office desk, so play it extra cool and straight faced. I would not wink at her or be too complimenting.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2017
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    100% agree with the previous posts. Want to add/underline:

    With all the love in the world (and I mean all of it!), GreenBeen, it seems like you have a lot of posts on here about crushes/non-relationships/flirtations with women who are straight coworkers and friends. This is a thing that happens to gay ladies, and it's an easy pattern to fall into: without a socially normed way of finding partners, us queermos tend to look for them everywhere and seize every opportunity for connection. So if you're surrounded by straight women who are curious, friendly, or just not jerks, you might end up in some of this ambiguous-to-you but clear-to-them situations.

    The part of this that sucks is that the women you are amorphously involved with may not behave in clear, kind, responsible ways.
    • Straight women behave in ways that are oddly flirty (to each other): compliments, touching/hugging, dishing about their problems in oddly intimate ways. When a gay girl gets in the mix, the dynamic gets a little thrown, and these ordinary social behaviors take on an edge - not because the straight girl wants to get with her, but just because the normal scripts don't work. (This has happened to me lots of times! Try talking with your boss about her slacker husband without accidentally selling her on lesbianism.)
    • Some women like the attention, but it's safe. My moc-presenting wife wore button-downs and ties, and the number of times she gets complimented for how sharp she looks would set me on edge... if those women didn't all have husbands and boyfriends. The flirting is entertainment, not searching, and these women (all in super-progressive San Francisco!) perceived her as neutral territory on which to practice/enjoy this flirtation. If you are single, this kind of behavior is much more confusing.
    • And some women are interested, but absolutely unable to deal with that interest. Their flirting may have intention, but it is STILL entertainment/a thought-experiment, not a way to find a partner. They are the most dangerous, since they might freak out if you flirted back or made a move, because they are struggling to reconcile attraction with their fixed sense of identity and are straight-up not ready to engage with that.
    I don't know what's the story with this particular straight girl, but someone who was queer and wanted you to know it would make sure you did. ("My ex-girlfriend..." "In my high school GSA...." "Ugh, that's why I prefer women!" Subtle rainbows. Buttons from Pride.) In the absence of those signals, you are dealing with someone who is straight or is invested in maintaining their straight identity, and even if something happens, it is probably going to be dramatic and difficult.

    The solution is, as the solution usually is, making more queer friends. I love my queer family - they support and get me, and it's a bonus that it's been a way to meet people who are out and ready to express interest in straightforward, above-board ways (like asking me out!).
     
    #4
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think B & L had just written the comprehensive guide to being around straight women. Good luck, GreenBeen, in finding your supporting group of queer friends.
     
    #5
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  6. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all ladies. That is very comprehensive and great advice.

    I am actively trying to find other queer ladies to date. I'm actually on a few dating sites and have met my previous girlfriends on there. I try also to go to queer events when the opportunity arises.

    I really try not to fall for straight girls. As much as I can, it just gets messy and they all get confused. And I've had my share of bad experiences. It's just that sometimes, I feel that there could be exceptions. Maybe I am idealist and too romantic but when one falls in love sometimes it could just happen. And that's where I feel that some girls can be an exception.

    With this current girl I have stayed clear. For instance, I had my work social event this weekend and I was supposed to be seated at her table. But instead I sat with my guy friends. It was at a dance hall supper and I didn't try to dance with her or compliment her at all. I just did my own thing.

    Although she has started to touch me whenever she says hello to me. The next day she rubbed my neck and shoulders as she was saying hi to me. And today again as she greeted me she rubbed her hand on my back. My knees got very weak haha

    She has been smiling at me more often. And today she even asked me why I wasn't sitting at her table at the social work event.

    Anyways, she remains a fantasy. She is probably being friendly unless I'm being too bitter about straight girls and categorize every behaviour as friendly expressions.
     
    #6
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes, straight women also over compensate in accepting a gay person by being quite friendly to a gay woman at work. I think they do that to show that they are "cool" with you and go out of their way to do the friendly touching. A friend of mine had that happen to her and she knew there was no interest, not even a little bit but she would get a lot of touchy touchy from her co-worker. We women can use some sticking together in this very uneven world, so let's cut each other some slack even when such efforts are awkward. I hope you can enjoy your friendships at work and work won't be so much work then.
     
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