Lovers to friends...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Stilllost07, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. Stilllost07

    Stilllost07 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    So I had previously been in a relationship with a girl for around three years. We were both head over heels about each other and she was besotted with me. We had our amount of issues and problems throughout but I thought we had been through so much that it only strengthened us.

    We ended up falling into a close friendship which meant instead of us both being in love with each other we just cared a lot about the other.
    She wasn't happy being stuck in the friend zone and she realised she had a lot of resentment built up over the years about things she just could not let go. I tried to help it go away and be an amazing partner but it wasn't enough.
    We had planned a round the world trip together beforehand so we had hoped it might ignite our feelings and thought we should just go away as friends, which we did.
    However after an amazing experience for 7 months together we ended up coming home and going our separate ways and she wanted to draw a line under our relationship and stay as 'best friends'
    It turns out there were too many feelings involved and I explained I still had feelings over text and wanted to see her. She refuses to see me or speak to me now and wants the time and distance to get over things and eventually pick up our friendship in the future.
    I have since been going out of my mind missing her, it's been a month of no contact and I can't bare to think of a life without her. I know it's what she wants and I can't do anything but I really do think we are soul mates and I have hope that after some time and space maybe we could come back together in the future and see where it went wrong.
    She still seems really angry at me and the past and can be really hurtful with her comments.
    Do I just leave her be and move on? Do I try everything I can to save what we had? I just can't seem to move on or think about being with someone else.
    Any help or suggestions welcome :)
     
    #1
  2. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2015
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    188
    Hi, Stilllost07 and welcome - You already know the answer to this question, if you are truly honest with yourself. Maybe you are posting here because you need other people to say it to you too? or you want to believe there is some other hidden solution you haven't been able to find yet on your own? But there is no mysterious puzzle piece missing that, if you find it, will make the picture perfectly pretty.

    It is really difficult to accept that sometimes we can't have what we want...even when we want it more than anything else in the world. Especially if what we want is a Person. You want her back. You don't want to accept that she doesn't want to be back in this relationship with you. It sounds like she has made this absolutely clear to you. There is no other choice but to respect and accept her decision.

    She has asked for time and distance, and has offered to perhaps someday rekindle a friendship in the future. DO what she is asking. If you love her like you say you do, don't second guess what she is saying to you...don't try to convince her that she doesn't know her own mind and heart. That is insulting and selfish, and it clearly communicates to her that you place your needs and wants above hers. Just respect what she is saying to you. You don't like it, you don't even agree with it, but you have no choice except to accept it. (The alternative would be stalker-like behaviors, and you don't want her to feel upset with you or violated from you not respecting the boundaries that she is asking you to keep.) So, STOP even considering doing anything else to "win" her back. You cannot control another human being's thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Ever. Period.

    Ok. My apologies for the harsh realities. I believe you need to hear it, but so does anyone else reading this who is having the same issue.....Now on to what you can do for You.

    It makes sense that you are having trouble with the month of no contact. You want her to come to a realization, miss you, and let you back in, right? But those emotions are yours to cope with, not hers. The month marks time, and sometimes that can send one into a panic. Remind yourself, that there is nothing you can do to change her decision, there is nothing you need to try to do to save the relationship (it is already ended...it only takes one to do that. and she did), and the only thing for you to do now is work on mourning the loss and taking good care of yourself while you heal.

    You mentioned trying to picture a life without her. For some that may help, for others that can create tremendous anxiety, which triggers the urge to "DO" something to get her to change her mind. If it is causing you to be upset, you are not ready to imagine that yet. Stay focused on today. One step at a time...just make healthy choices for you today. Eat good healthy foods, exercise, go to work, make plans with friends, use your journal to document your feelings (rather than trying to share them with her...Again, remember, these are your emotions to manage, not hers), Breathe, in an out, slowly & deeply all day....each day, especially when you start to feel panicked. Use good healthy distractions, when you find yourself dwelling too much. Learn new and interesting things...get to know yourself a bit more, make some new friends and/or get in contact with old friends that you lost contact with because you were focused so much on "coupledom." (I do not recommend hanging out a lot with mutual friends to keep track of what she is up to these days...if she wants you to know, she would contact you and tell you). Try to shift your thinking away from time (past or future) and onto healing now - in the present. If you feel stuck where you are, you just feel stuck that day, no need to "move on" from that, but no need to try to go back either.... ask, What are You doing that will help You today?

    It is alright that you have all of these feelings. Feelings and emotions in and of themselves are not harmful. They are not shameful or bad. They are normal, all of them. Observe them, experience them. But do not mistake strong feelings for the need to act on them (to escape/undo/redo/run to/run from) in order to not feel so bad...It is the behavior/the action we take in response to feelings that can cause us lots of troubles. Choose wisely, consciously, each day, the behaviors you are going to engage in to help you cope with your feelings of sadness and loss.

    A word about "soulmates": I can't say for sure if they exist or not. So many of us want to believe that they do. It is very romantic, isn't it?...The idea that there can be one being out there somewhere who is perfectly matched for you, that your spirits/souls will find each other in this huge, lonely world and a great love with happen as a result of this union. I don't know,... maybe? What I do know for sure is that, as humans, we do become bonded through chemistry/hormones/physical contact, experiences that we endure together, shared time/history/investment, by experiencing compassion/understanding from another, and by caring for or being cared for by another.
    This is awesome, and it feels So Good. It is love (the simple little word that we use for this huge, overwhelming, all-encompassing experience of emotion and attachment to others!) Some of us feel connected so strongly toward another that it is a spiritual experience. We may feel spiritually connected to a friend, a family member, a lover....the human experience of love/connection is amazing and limitless.

    Sometimes, we can feel so connected that it feels like that person/that bond is what makes us feel alive, gives us oxygen to breathe...and we believe that we can not go on without it....But sometimes, we have to. Sometimes, the other person leaves, dies, needs a break, doesn't want to be that connected, can't do it at this time, doesn't feel the same way....People end connections, even really strong ones, for all sorts of individualized reasons and causes....and we have to accept that we had the privilege to connect and love when we were together and we have to let go of someone when they leave us. Relationships are not static, they all change and grow and shift. Sometimes those changes are great and bring us closer, sometimes we don't like they way they are moving or when we lose them.

    As a human who has the capacity to love and connect, you are highly likely to do it again. Hopefully, whatever mistakes you were alluding to in your post, you will have learned something from them, so you don't have to repeat them again in either this or another relationship. If you truly believe in soulmates, is it possible for you to have more than one? Or what about the idea of traveling with a different soul for different times/purposes in our lives? I mean, why not? what are the "rules" on that? And if you really believe in a spiritual connection with a particular soul, does it have to mean that soul is an intimate/sexual partner forever? if you are truly spiritually or cosmically connected, you probably don't have to work so hard to try to make it happen..I mean the higher power can probably handle the timing on that....You can just work to get healthy, stable, and wiser, so that you are in good shape if it (the soul connection) should ever pop back up again in this lifetime, right?
     
    #2
  3. RyanAdams1987

    RyanAdams1987 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2

    A very similar thing happened to me when I was in college. I didn't even know I was gay. I showed up to school and everyone from the first minute was telling me I was gay, and I just thought that sounded ridiculous. They kept on telling me I was so much like this girl L. Well, come one of the first meetings I went to, some social activist organization and the president invited me over to her room that night for a small get together. There was a lovely young lady, S, and I still remember to this day saying to her that it's a good thing she wasn't a man, because to me she was perfect and if she were a man I would fall madly in love with her and she would break my heart. Well, needless to say, that is exactly what happened. We became extremely close friends, spending every moment together. We were the same major, same class, same dorm, etc... She knew I was falling in love with her, so when I told her I thought I was bisexual, she wasn't that surprised (her response was the same haha). Well over the course of several months, it just became too much for her. She cut me completely off, changed residence halls, made what was effectively a campus restraining order, and didn't speak to me for months. I bought her this amazing gift and was heartbroken when she wouldn't talk to me to get it. Out of extreme heartbreak, loneliness, and desperation, I thought the best option would be to join the Navy (worst idea ever). Well fast forward about four months (that's four months where we didn't speak a word, she ignored me in the halls, she would leave rooms when I walked in, etc...complete and total cutout), out mutual friend came to visit not knowing we hadn't spoken for four months (the last she had seen of us, we were extremely close friends), and invited us both out at the same time to the same place. Not that this is really of any relevance, but by this point I was a completely out lesbian and she was something of a pansexual "i fall in love with who I fall in love with" status. Well that meeting was awkward...for about two minutes, and then things resumed as if there had never been a falling out, never been a blackout in our friendship. We went back to hanging out pretty regularly, I told her I made a decision to join the Navy (which she fiercely opposed), and at the end of the year when we were going home for the summer I gave her that gift I was supposed to give her for Christmas, but didn't get the opportunity to saying, "you know I got this for you because I'm in love with you" or something to that effect, and she was like "I know" or something like that. She went to this summer internship and I went to go visit her, and the sexual tension was mindblowing, it was terrible (and great at the same time). I really wanted to marry her and have all her little jewish babies, but it didn't exactly work out that way. She started dating the girl L (who everyone said I reminded them of) as soon as she got back to school -.-, and I went on to boot camp and stuff like that. Well she broke up with this girl and came to visit me and hang out, and after a couple days of asking her to kiss me, and ravage me, and all the things, we finally ended up having sex. She went home (with her mom and sister, who were well aware I had been in love with her for almost two years, fully aware exactly what happened) and we started dating shortly afterwards. However, such is the way with young love much of the time, we were along different paths and ended up breaking up after a year and a half. It was the best year and a half of my life, but I wanted her to be happy, so I attempted to move on. It took a very long time (probably like 3 years, to be completely honest, for complete closure) and left me very damaged, but here I am.

    So sometimes people thing you're too clingy and desperate and place you in an isolation chamber, then they let you out and you date for almost 2 years. Weird.

    Life is funny sometimes. Sometimes it just breaks your heart. One has to be ready to deal with both.

    That was a really long story...
     
    #3
    greylin and Frazier like this.
  4. Stilllost07

    Stilllost07 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks so much Rainydaze for your detailed response. I appreciate the harsh words because I do need to hear them.

    It is difficult to accept that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. It leaves me with a lot of guilt actually (which is the worst thing) all I can think about is what I should/could have done to save it and was I really a bad person.
    I go over and over the past beating myself up about it and I can't seem to get past it.

    In the end she has so much resentment built up inside its almost as if she hates me and has been so cold considering we had such a good time travelling.
    Do you think the anger will go away eventually? Do you think time could mean a friendship could resume?

    It does make me feel anxious like you say if I sometimes think about it whilst trying to keep myself busy. My whole mind just seems to be consumed by it all of the time.

    I'm thinking of maybe moving away and then hopefully it would be a fresh start for me and to meet some new friends.
     
    #4
  5. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2015
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    188
    Hi, Stilllost07.
    Please understand that me being very direct with you was only so that you could hear what I was saying clearly. Sometimes, sugar-coating the issue makes it more difficult to accept the truth (we tend to focus on what we want to hear - the sugar - and not what we need to hear - the medicine). It is not because I want to be harsh or think you need to be treated harshly.
    On the contrary, I think you need to treat Your Self very gently right now, as if you are someone healing from a serious wound. YOU need to be the focus of Your Energy, not the ex, not the relationship....Your stability, your health, your well-being all need to be where you spend your time now.

    It is normal for us to go over what we did wrong/what we could have done differently in a relationship that has ended. However, it is important to use this as a learning tool for ourselves, for future relationships, and not to beat ourselves up, create guilt, or to focus on a re-do (which is not possible, unless you have figured out how to time travel. I haven't). Once you have done this evaluation of yourself and your responsibilities, give it a rest. You will be given opportunities in the future to do something different than you did in this relationship, but until then, it is just a way of torturing yourself to go over and over and over all the things you feel you did wrong.

    Your Ex may have a lot of anger & resentment toward you. It may or may not be justified. If you have already apologized for the past issues that went on between the two of you, that is all that you can do about it. The rest is up to her, on her timeline. She may or may not choose to work through her anger. She may or may not choose to rekindle a friendship with you, and if she does, you may or may not be open to that possibility depending upon where you are in your life by that time. The point is these are all things that are really out of your control. You cannot do anything about them. She has requested that you leave her alone, and it is your responsibility to respect that request. (Again, unless you have the ability to time travel, we don't really know what will happen in the future...whether you two will be friends again or not).

    There is only the here and now. Can't fix the past, can't see the future. Take care (good care) of yourself right now. Do the best that you can right now. Be the person that you want to be right now. Put one foot in front of the other.

    Regarding whether or not you should move: I don't have an answer for you. I do have some thoughts. In general, a lot of big changes (even good ones) all at one time can create an abundance of stress. Break-ups, job changes, marriages, deaths, illnesses, moves, and finances are among some of the highest stressors that we face as humans. It is probably not a great idea to bring on other huge stressors at a time when you are already coping with a big one. It also often isn't good for us to make a big decision about life/future when we are really upset, depressed, or are not thinking clearly. It makes sense that you are imagining fleeing, getting away from it all, and starting over. That is a natural human defense response (fight, flight, or freeze tends to be our knee-jerk reaction to scary stuff...but as coping strategies they rarely work effectively outside of life/death scenarios). It is good that you are able to consider a different life than what you are experiencing now. And that may be what you need ultimately.

    I suggest you make sure you are stable in order to make that decision, AND consider whether it would be a goal of yours if the break up was not a factor. Remember that you are taking yourself with you where ever you go, so all the emotional stuff in you right now travels with you on the move. Do you really want to feel the way you are feeling now, while you are trying to navigate a new city, make new friends, find a new job, function at that new job?

    Now, if the only reason you are living where you are now is because of the relationship, it may make sense to reconsider that choice. If there is a personal goal of yours (pursuit of a career, a place you have always wanted to live, a degree you want to work on), and you put that on hold for the relationship, it might be a good time to start looking at how to make that happen for yourself and that may include a move. In other words, I guess, I wouldn't recommend moving or staying just because of the relationship. If there are other factors and life goals involved, maybe start to pursue those in a planned and sensible way. Don't do it impulsively in an effort to escape what you are feeling...your feelings will travel with you.

    Lastly, the sad ending of a relationship is a very lonely experience. The suffering is yours alone and the reasons for the ending are unique to your particular relationship. But the feelings and experiences of this are universal to many of us. Nearly all of us have been there at some point or another and it can feel like you are not going to survive it...but we do and you can. Come back and post as needed. Read other posts, where you may find others with similar experiences and some really good advice!.. and just take really good care of you.
     
    #5
    greylin, Jane Doe and Spygirl like this.
  6. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2016
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    118
    Perhaps distance is whatyou need as well. Right now you're saying that you miss her but perhaps what you ned right now is to try to live your life without her. I think you can figureout what went wrong and if you really think that you two are soulmates, then try to work it out with her. However, are you completely sure she feels the same way? From what I've read I don't think she's into you as much as you are into her.

    In the meantime-try dating other people. Not only it will help you kill the physical loneliness but you may also find someone new who's better for you and treats you right. Also-have you ever asked her directly what she wants and how she feels? Sometimes things don't work out for good. If you want her in you life no matter how, respect her feelings as well. You may force her into a relationship she doesn't want but you can't make her happy when she really isn't.
     
    #6
    greylin and Jane Doe like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice