Love her but panic daily... What to do?!?!

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by golddustwoman, Jun 12, 2014.

  1. golddustwoman

    golddustwoman Member

    Apr 1, 2014
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    Three months ago I met a very special girl. She's awesome and I could definitely see myself spending my life with her but was by no means intending on entering the be all end all fully committed rest of life relationship right now as I was single by choice for so long and wanted to ease in to that.

    Everything started off great. We had compatible schedules, similar views and get along great. A few times we went to parties and got a bit drunk and she brought up various relationship talks (and since then only wants to have them when we're a bit boozed). We also discussed many other things that I was not capacitated enough to say that: 1. I didn't want to have that talk at that time or 2. No, I didn't want to make that relationship commitment right yet.

    Within 2 weeks I had agreed to be exclusive with gf titles which was not something I would have agreed to sober. It's something I eventually did want but not right then as everything in my life changed 2 months before meeting her and I wanted some time to enjoy it while not making every decision involving her. I understand I screwed up here.

    She is incapable of living in the moment which is what I NEED right now as I changed my life so I could do that (new job/career & education path). She wants to plan every single second and things all the way up to October and 5 years from now which drives me crazy and even more so when we do plan things and she always ends up changing her mind at the last moment which makes her planning annoying and unnecessary! Also her work schedule changed and we don't have days off together unless we schedule them off which really upsets me because before meeting her that was my #1 bare minimum dating standard and wouldn't have gone on date #1 had I known that was a possibility and even expressed that to her and she told me not to worry.

    She's talking marriage, babies/lack there of, dying together, moving to another country/continent in 5 years for her education and now keeps pressuring me about moving in together and I am no were near close to ready to move in with her though I said I would consider it one night again when she asked when I was drunk which I wouldn't have said sober!

    As I get to know her friends this is not uncommon for her to dive head first into a relationship.

    Can I realistically back track or are we incompatible due to differing relationship speeds? I'm not ready to dive head first into this (and it kind of feels like we're already there and I'm panicking). I want to enjoy us NOW, not focus on the future and I'm stressing out about "forever" despite wanting that with her awhile after only 3 months together.

    What do I do?!
  2. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

    May 30, 2014
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    Re: Love her but panic daily... What to do?!?...

    You could tell her to slow down with those plans, because life is full of surprises and things can suddenly change in any other day. Can't you tell her straight that, she can't really control absolutely everything? You love her right, but I guess that it doesn't mean your life belongs to her and she can do anything she wants with yours. For me, it sounds more like she needed a person to fill the place in her dreams, instead of living the moments with her lover. After 5 years, will she plan for the other next 5 years and so on? You are her girlfriend and you should let her know your thoughts on this and that, because if you don't, she will keep planning. And walking out of the relationship just like that, then, what kind of love do you have for her? Ask her what about your feelings, don't delay next time when the occasion comes. If she still wants to control everything and she is not listening, I'd dump her if I were you.
    There's also a lesson you could give her, if you ever want to take a break, tell her later if she saw it coming. She might learn that no matter what she plans, there are things out of her control and her plans don't make the bad things inevitable.
  3. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    Re: Love her but panic daily... What to do?!?...

    First and foremost, you should be clear with your GF and anyone else in your future that IMPORTANT decisions made while intoxicated are invalid. They seem to get you in trouble. And could be/is used against you. Example "~she asked when I was drunk which I wouldn't have said sober" - You've agreed to the relationship in that state.

    So for now on, the next day you say "I was drunk." Important things SHOULD be discussed while sober.

    A strong relationship is based on being PARTNERS. That you build and work out things together. Now, if you want her to be in the driver's seat, then fine... but you don't seem to be happy in the position you are currently in. She is many years ahead of you and as her friends have told you... she does this all the time.

    It seems that she wants you to fit in her fairy-tail fantasy. This is something people do, but women more so... when pre-teen girls image Prince charming, getting married by 20, having babies and living in castle or house with white picket fences. Hence we see young people getting married at 18~21, before they are matured and have a high failure rate.

    I will admit that I proposed to my GF while we were VERY drunk, without any planning to do so. But it was a perfect romantic moment after we have been dating for a short while and she said yes. When we woke up late the next day, I knew I had an OUT. "I was drunk" and she would have understood. But I stood by my statement we married later the next year. We share our ideas, our home and our family.

    In your position, you may end up married when you don't want to. You both need to slow down... I think you are in the right. Because she'll crash the relationship as she has in the past. She is most likely not aware that she is her own worst enemy... not knowing why she keeps losing. IMO, there are levels of love... A 15yr old "in love" is childish compared to a 20yr old, which is still immature compared to a 30yr old... but they are ALL "love". I think a lot of people are not in love as much as they think they are... and may go with it because its expected. I've done it myself and also don't do things I don't mean.

    Watch Dog's advice is sound. If you love her, tell her SHE needs to grow up and understand that you are HALF the relationship. If she wants to be in charge... then she can be in charge by herself.

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