Losing her because I have kids

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Mom1st, May 3, 2016.

  1. Mom1st

    Mom1st Member

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    My girlfriend of three years is leaving me because I have kids and she's decided that's not the life for her. I want so badly to support her and be understanding, but the pain of losing her keeps me from thinking reasonably sometimes. She has lived with us for 2 years and has been struggling with this decision for many months now. Our relationship has been excellent otherwise. We are very much in love, still very attracted to each other, and get along great. She is my absolute best friend. My kids are 12 and 14, so it's not like I have a couple toddlers running around. I totally support people who choose not to have children, but I'm struggling to understand why the existence of my children (whom she gets along well with and are very self-sufficient) is a bigger issue than our desire to be together. I realize that may sound selfish, but it really is hard for me to understand, and she hasn't been able to explain it to me. Any thoughts/ideas/experiences on this? Please be gentle--I'm already hurting enough. Also, it is possible she could see this. This is actually how we met and I know she still looks at the website, although I'm not sure if she looks at the forums.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    This is very sad indeed! I am sorry she did not figure that out in the beginning. And that's just that, sometimes, people don't know what they are getting into until they are in it. I mean, it is not going to take that many more years until the nest is empty so I am not sure why she can't stick around. I am sorry you are hurting. I hope your kids do not think for a minute it is about them. It is always between your ex and you.

    I think some exit counseling maybe helpful if you are both up for it. Some couples find it helpful during a breakup and it helps a lot with the closure. *hugs*
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    First, I'm sorry.

    I had to come back to write my response because I wanted to take some time to think about this. I guess there's really no good answer here as to why your girlfriend isn't willing to overlook the kids part. In my mind the possible scenarios as to why might be the following:

    1. Your girlfriend was never really the kid type when she went into the relationship, and this is what she seems to be saying to you now. However, at the beginning of the relationship she might've convinced herself that she could, in fact, make the kids' concession because of her feelings for you. As time progressed however, perhaps she realized it was too big of a concession to make. Her own idea of life -- and what she's getting from being in a relationship with you are two very different things if kids are part of the equation. Unfortunately, however, she took you along with her in trying to accept the kids part of your relationship -- the better thing, if she were this sure about what she wanted out of life -- would have been not to get involved at all. But, we're also human..sometimes we think we can handle certain things, until we just can't handle them anymore. Kids are a huge deal, one of those things that can be a total deal breaker in relationships. I'm not a kid person in terms of wanting them in my relationship (I love kids -- I just don't want them myself), so I can sorta get where she is coming from. I have no interest in going to kid activities or being a mom, and there's nothing wrong with that. But she should've told you about this at the outset of your relationship. This is an issue because your world MUST revolve around your kids first -- while perhaps in her world she doesn't want to be doing kid activities, taking them to school, helping with homework, going to sports or other activities. While 12 and 14 are not toddlers, those aged-children do require a lot of parental involvement. So yes, this impacts your relationship if she is finding herself having to live a life she never envisioned for herself. Perhaps resentment has been building for awhile because the relationship she's in involves some element of being a mom.

    2. There's another underlying reason and your girlfriend is using kids as the excuse (because the kids question is something you can't reconcile no matter how hard you try). What you need to ask yourself is: have things really been fine? Are you still very much in love and there's really nothing wrong in your relationship? We tend to romanticize and look at things through rose-colored glasses when we try to convince ourselves that everything is great. When relationships end, we're almost desperate to overlook the bad altogether. Why now is she making this decision when she's been living with you for two years? Why not months ago? Is there some other precipitating event? Has she met someone else? What else is there that you just might not be seeing that may shed some light on this situation? I typically find that when you start peeling back the layers of those proverbial onions, there may be other factors at play. Break-ups rarely happen in a vacuum.

    Regardless of the reason, it takes two people to be in a relationship but only one person to end it. For whatever reason -- kids or something else -- your girlfriend has decided to move on. And yes, that really sucks. Keep it in perspective, though. Three years isn't really a long time to be together in the whole scheme of things, and perhaps she's doing you a favor. At the same time, do you want her to stay in a relationship out of obligation knowing that she might always resent having given up the live she envisioned for herself for the life she's living with you and your kids? I can understand why you're hurting as well -- if these were her feelings, she should've made them known to you at the beginning of you relationship...so that you wouldn't find yourself where you are now.

    Hang in there.
     
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    Last edited: May 4, 2016
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  4. Mom1st

    Mom1st Member

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    Thanks. We talked about kids very early on, and she said at the time that she wasn't sure how she felt about it. I told her then that if she ever wanted to have a child with me, I would possibly be open to it. I also told her then that she could have as much or as little role in my children's lives as she felt comfortable with, as long as there was mutual respect between her and them. I guess that sounded good to her in theory, but now that she has lived it for a couple years, she's decided it's not working for her. As for her sticking around until they are out of the house, I had the same thought, but at the same time I don't want her to be unhappy for the next 6 years. I guess what I'm struggling so much with is how it is so difficult that it warrants breaking up an otherwise amazing relationship. Maybe it has been so long since I've been childless that I don't remember how different that lifestyle is. Because they are old enough to stay home alone, we still have plenty of time for date nights and stuff. We even do lots of overnight trips when they are at their dad's (he lives 7hrs away so this is only when they have a week or more off of school, including most of the summer), and even a few times when my parents have stayed with them. One of the things she says is hard is the emotional toll that parenting has on me. My older son has bipolar disorder and needs to be disciplined differently than most teenagers (more love, less punishment). He's a really good kid though (never gets in trouble at school and is very respectful to everyone) and has come such a long way since his early years of screaming, hour-long fits. Now he mostly just gets sad, anxious, and unmotivated sometimes.
    I think that part of her issue is that since she left her friends, family, and career to move in with me (I offered to move to her instead but she said it made more sense this way) two years ago, she has not had a good job that pays well and has not really made friends. She is currently unemployed--she had a good job with career potential lined up at the beginning of January but turned the job down last minute and hasn't looked for anything since then. I tried telling her that things would be better if she had a good job and friends, but she insists that it won't help.
    Ok, last thing-- I haven't told the kids yet and I really don't know what to say to them. Obviously I can't tell them it's because of them. I may just have to say that she's unhappy, without any specifics about why. They know how happy she has made me, and they like her, so this will be very hard for them.
     
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  5. Mom1st

    Mom1st Member

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    You are so insightful it's almost scary. Thanks for the perspective. #1 is most likely accurate, although I have had thoughts of #2. When we first "met" (started talking online), we were both trying to get out of marriages with men. I told my then-husband up front that I was leaving. He also knew that I had a friend I was talking to online and he could tell when it moved beyond friendship. She kept me a secret from her husband, though. He knew there were problems (she moved into the guest room), but he didn't know about me. So as much as I'd like to think she would never do that to me, I can't help but wonder. At least I know she wouldn't physically do anything until after she moves out. She was very insistent on that before. We agreed not to meet in person until we had both moved out of our houses.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    See part 2 of my question above -- is her overall unhappiness really related to coming into a situation without feeling completely equal because of the job, no family, friends, etc.? Maybe the underlying disappointment with how life has gone for the past 2 years, irrespective of her relationship with you, is driving her to equate unhappiness with stepping into the role of mom. Moreover, her involvement with the children is one thing -- living in a household where she's essentially the second parent makes her a de facto parent whether she wanted it or not.

    I disagree with her insistence that a job/friends won't help. I often say that we cannot get 100% of what we need from one person (and it's not fair to put someone in the role of being "everything"). We need outside interests, friends, etc. to keep us well-balanced.

    It seems to me that there's more going on here with her -- and your kids are only one aspect of it.
     
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    Last edited: May 4, 2016
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    There is a lot more to it, often is. People can say they broke up because of some responsibility of theirs, the kids, the jobs but it is really how and where they put each other in relationship to their responsibilities. I have had pregnant friends who swore as parents they would put each other first before the kids and they don't because once they had them it completely overwhelms them like all the energy go from a plant to a seed. Or I have had friends who never thought their jobs would get in the way of their relationship and they do. We all have responsibilities and things that tug at our hearts beside our partners. It takes a lot to hash all the dynamics out as to the why. It is down to you and your ex as to why and it not about the kids in the way you think. If you are worried about your ex reading all of this then it is a lot more nurturing to you and her to talk with someone together if you can swing it. Your kids see things and may notice you on this site too.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I call bs on your girlfriend. I also encourage you to set post break up boundaries and stick to them.

    Many times when people are unhappy, it is easier to blame others than to take responsibility for where their life is at.

    It is much easier to say 'well, I am not happy because of the kids,' because then - just move from the kids and everything will be sunshine and rainbows!!!

    It is much harder to say 'I made a big decision and it hasn't turned out how I thought. What do I need to do to fix this? What do I need to do differently?'

    She made a decision to move, to let go of her job, to move away from her friends. BUT she also made the decision not to make new friends, not to pursue every job option and (I am assuming) not to volunteer or be active in the community.

    She probably didn't expect to move and become a 'housewife.' It's easy for her to blame it on the kids. But if you two were childless, she probably would still feel bad in a similar situation (no job, moving to another town...)

    Your gf needs to accept responsibility for the things that she can change. If she wants a job, she needs to step up the search. If she wants friends- invite her friends for the weekend, make new friends at meet up, etc...

    And volunteer. Doing something productive takes the edge of when you are between jobs.

    That being said, I think you need to set boundaries with your gf. I am assuming (and I am sorry if it's the wrong assumption) that you bring home the bacon. I am assuming that for her share she does house stuff and some of the kid care stuff.

    Her saying 'I can't cope with kids' I am leaving!!' Gives her am awfully big bargaining chip. It's tempting to drop stuff off her plate (if you don't have to contribute to kid stuff, will you stay?) It doesn't matter what you two have arranged as long as both of you feel like it's fair. And like it was made in good faith, not under pressure 'I have to accept this to keep the relationship.'

    Her dropping the break up bomb is the opposite of working things out in good faith with no pressure.

    But you can't make her do anything. If she is going to walk, you can't stop her. If she isn't willing to take responsibility for her happiness, there's nothing you can do.

    If you do break up, set boundaries. Aka, don't let her mooch for years. Yes, she gave up a lot to move with you. But there is you giving her reasonable time to find a job and a place to live and there is her still living in your guest room three years later.

    Sorry if I made wrong assumptions.
     
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  9. Mom1st

    Mom1st Member

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    To be fair, she did tell me over a year ago that living with the kids was harder than she expected, and it bothered her that she didn't have much desire to bond with them. But it wasn't said in a "we might need to break up" kind of way. It was more of just something she was struggling with and she wanted me to be aware. I have tried all different sorts of arrangements to help with that. I tried giving her virtually no responsibilities, and making sure always to ask (rather than expect) if she could help with certain things. For a little while, I even allowed my sons to fade into the background (not neglecting them at all, just maybe not doing as much with them as I would have) so she wouldn't feel the pressure to be a family. Of course, that didn't work and wasn't fair to my kids. I also tried the opposite--encouraging more family time to see if they could develop more of a relationship. She seemed to enjoy those times, but it didn't really help her bond with them. I showed her a website for stepparents that said don't expect to bond with the kids in the first two years because it takes longer than that.

    When she quit working in December and didn't take the new job in January, she was somehow able to keep paying me the rent she usually pays. I offered to help financially, but she wouldn't let me. I make more than she does (even when she was working), but we have kept our finances separate for the most part. It's not super cut and dry. We buy each other things every now and then and treat each other when we are out if it's a special occasion, but it has always gone both ways. She did voluntarily take on a lot more of the driving-the-kids-places responsibilities after she stopped working. She did this without complaining and with me frequently reminding her I could ask other parents on their teams to help. I really appreciated this and actually started to think she might be getting closer to them and showing more interest in them. But I knew that if she wasn't telling me about applying for jobs, there was still something wrong.

    Anyway, she wants to join the Navy, which is actually a really good move for her. She is still within the age limit to join, and it would give her a fresh start, a bit of financial security, and a career path. It just sucks that she wants to break up with me in order to do it. She doesn't know at this point how long it will be until she goes to boot camp (if accepted, which she shouldn't have any trouble with), but I am offering to let her stay here until then. I know she will continue to pay rent as long as she lives here. I will also offer to let her keep her furniture here until she is in a place that she can use it. This helps both of us, since I need something to sleep on and she doesn't need to be paying for a storage facility.

    I'm currently in a better mood than I was last night and this morning, so I kind of feel like defending her. I really do think she's being honest with me. I'm disappointed that she's not willing to try adding happiness in other areas of her life, but I do believe her when she says that at the end of the day, if she comes home to smelly socks left by the couch and me having to worry about my child not turning in homework, it doesn't matter how promising her career is or how many friends she has. She just doesn't want this life.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It would probably be more fair to say that you are 'losing her,' because she is late in finding herself and wants to join the Navy.

    It's not that I am trying to skewer your gf, but I am just trying to frame things factually. It's not so much about the kids as it is about her going through a big life transition / discovery.

    I don't want you carrying a burden because of how she frames things. I don't want you thinking that you will never find love again because of the kids, feeling resentment or regret about parts of your life. I don't want you carrying all the 'blame' of the break up.

    Truth is, you fell in love with someone who was very much in flux. She isn't settled career wise and didn't know what she wanted kids wise. Your relationship gave her space to figure that stuff out. Unfortunately, it is going to take her in a different direction.

    Honestly, you sound like a great Mum. And you sound resilient, empathetic, intelligent, thoughtful and understanding. I think that down the road, when you are ready to date again, you will be considered a 'catch' and will be able to find love.

    I am very sorry that things have turned out this way. I know it hurts and is crappy and hard. I just don't want you carrying all the blame.
     
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  11. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm going to wade in here, because I very much agree with Bluenote about the importance of re-framing this for your own peace of mind.

    Sometimes, at the end of a relationship, the people involved - and even people witnessing - have different stories about what happened - during the relationship, after it, in the breakup, as the cause of the breakup. Sometimes these stories are simply different perceptions, and sometimes they are limited/distorted by the needs and fears of the people who have them. (My sister's awful-according-to-me ex boyfriend broke up with her because "She wasn't mature enough and needed him to deal with her feelings too much, and wasn't an intellectual like him," which is his story. My sister thinks "She asked too much of him, and he dealt with it badly, and he didn't respect her dance career." When I tell it, it sounds a lot more like "This dude believed he shouldn't have to do emotional work in a committed relationship, and used their age difference and his snobbishness to claim irreconcilable differences. Also he was an ass.") All the stories serve someone's agenda, and while all are honest to someone's perception, none is every precisely true.

    Your girlfriend has a story about what happened; it has to do with your kids. That's the reason she can see and deal with, and the one that is irreconcilable - you can't change your kids, so you can't fix this or ask her to work within it. This story is true to her perception, and I don't think that she is deliberately lying to you or hiding some other "real" reason; but in my experience, people tend to only dig as deep as they have to when working through complex emotional needs. It is much, much easier to say "I hate the socks and the homework talks" than "I'm not sure I was ever honest about my wants/needs within this relationship, and am not willing to make the effort to be part of this family even though I said I would/could." It is much, much easier to pin it on "kids" than "For no reason other than vague feelings, I am not happy with you and in your life and so need to leave." At the end of the day, "kids!!!" absolves her of having to acknowledge that perhaps she is not still very much in love, or attracted, or at least not enough to surmount her other sundry dissatisfactions with the relationship for which she dropped the rest of her life.

    The other things that I see contributing to your story of this relationship have to do with both of you ending marriages, meeting online, making a massive change, her leaving her home and family and friends, her career interests, her changing needs. The firm stop of you as a mother, unable to make the compromises that would allow you to go with her or make those changes for her - and perhaps her frustrating with the one-sidedness of that compromise (pure speculation!). Understanding and seeing these threads does not change her story, and does not invalidate the "kids" narrative, but it does add richness and context and help you move on. And, as Bluenote said, it keeps you from framing this as a fault or failure on your part (if only you didn't have kids) and helps you see it as a decision that she is making for reasons external to you and even to your family.

    Your stories never have to be the same, and you can't make her believe and agree with your story. But that doesn't mean that you have to accept hers without question and not be critical (in the sense of evaluating, not castigating) of it and how it matches with your perception.

    I'm sorry that you are losing your best friend and partner, and I hope that in time (and not too much of it) you can see it for the best hard decision that could have been made - and that your kids take it well, her Navy career gives her what she's after, and that you emerge stronger and find someone (eventually) who will want to be there for you and be delighted by finding themselves a parent. Good luck.
     
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  12. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    So, basically your girlfriend has had a change of heart. Before you get in to a relationship with someone who has kids you ask yourself if you're willing to take the children on, not necessarily as your own, but you will have to make an effort and be understanding of the fact that there are effectively more than two people in your relationship. You ask yourself if you're willing the invest your time and energy in to cultivating a relationship with them.... If the answer is 'no' to any of those questions then you shouldn't even go there.

    I don't know how you've been so understanding of the fact that your girlfriend has put so little effort in to build bridges with your kids, especially after the upheaval of a divorce and such a change of dynamics within the family (just an observation on my part). Obviously your children are at an age where they see and understand most of what goes on around them, I can't imagine that the adjustment was easy for them. Your girlfriend made the choice to join your family, she knew you had children, she should have stepped up to the plate. You shouldn't have to facilitate her, you shouldn't have to bend over backwards and enable her to have little to no interaction with your kids.

    On the subject of the navy... It sounds as though this is what she wants to do. It's not about you or your children but they make a really convenient 'get out of jail free' card. As far as I'm concerned you needn't sugar coat the truth for your kids because I don't think they're the problem, she's decided that she wants to join the navy, no strings attached and that's it.

    Although you're understandably upset right now, maybe this will be the best thing for you. You can look for someone who wants to be involved with your kids, who wants to be a part of your family and not sit on the side lines.
     
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  13. Mom1st

    Mom1st Member

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    You guys are all awesome. I actually had that realization this morning that I need to re-frame how I see the breakup. As soon as I started thinking about it as her needing to do something to get her life in order instead of not being able to tolerate living with my children, it became easier to accept. The pain is still very much there, but I would say that by this evening, more of my thoughts have been about what I need to do over the next few months to deal with this rather than dwelling on sweet but painful memories. She has been out of town all week visiting family, but we have been texting daily. Tonight, we had a relatively normal conversation, which was nice. For the most part, I'm no longer going back and forth between What can I say to change her mind? and What can I say to make her feel bad about this? I know, neither of those is productive, but I couldn't help it. She comes back tomorrow, and I'm hoping things won't be too awkward.

    In the meantime, I have been coming up with a list of positives:
    • I will have more time with my sons and can devote more attention to them.
    • I will have more time to focus on my job (I'm a teacher).
    • I can expand my social circle (she is pretty much my entire social life right now, except for talking to the other moms at Little League games and joking around with a few other teachers at work).
    • I can hopefully meet someone (eventually) who wants to join my family and develop relationships with my children.
    • I will have more time to write and work towards trying to get something published.
    That's it for now. I appreciate all the support. I will keep you all updated.
     
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  14. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Mom1st -
    Let me say that I am sorry you are going through all of this, and that your children will be experiencing more loss and change as well. You have received some very thoughtful and supportive remarks here from AE members so I do not have a whole lot to add. I am very glad to hear that you are in a better place now with your perspective on the ending of the relationship. It sounds like, even though you are very sad, you are also able to see that you will survive this and that there is hope for a happy future for you and your children.

    I apologize if I missed it, but I do not recall if you have told your children yet, about your girlfriend's plan to leave?
    I would recommend that you keep things brief and to the point, and be sure your girlfriend is on the same page with the explanation. I agree with you that there is no need for your sons to feel like they were the "cause" of the break up. That would serve no good purpose for any of you, and the truth is that explanation is too simplistic and is inaccurate anyway. They only need to know that the two of you want different things in life, that your girlfriend is going to be joining the Navy, that you are both sad it didn't work out but are parting on respectful terms, and Most Importantly, that you and your sons will be ok, even if you are all sad for a bit.

    In general, children/teens don't really want to know the details of our adult relationship issues, and they certainly don't want to feel responsible for our happiness. It is a fine balance to give our children enough information that they don't feel confused and fill in the gaps with their own assumptions and misinformation and, yet, to not give them so much information that they feel overwhelmed with our adult problems. Hopefully, your girlfriend will agree to stick to the simple facts along with you.

    Then, brace yourself for the fall out, which may or may not happen for your children. Each may react in a different ways from the other. Since your one son has mental health issues, I am assuming he has a therapist? If yes, be sure to inform the therapist of the changes in your household so that he/she can help to provide support and give your son a safe, objective place to say what he thinks about all of it.

    Remember that loss is cumulative, so if they have not fully processed the divorce, they could potentially experience your girlfriend leaving as a big loss even though you say that there does not seem to be a great deal of bonding between your sons and your gf. It also may be difficult for them to express what they are feeling because it can get all piled together between the divorce, the break up, puberty, mood swings, etc. It sounds like you are a good Mom who understands her children (& children in general, since you are a teacher!) and that you are quite involved in their lives and activities, so I am sure you will keep a close eye on them and help them through this transition period.
    Best wishes to all of you as you make your way through this.
     
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  15. Mom1st

    Mom1st Member

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    Just realized how long it's been since I've written on here. A lot has changed since my last post, but I don't know if I want to go into all the details. I'm really bad at telling the short version of stories, but I'll try to highlight.

    I told my kids that J had not been very happy lately and was enlisting in the Navy for some financial security and better career options. I told them she didn't want to continue our relationship so we were breaking up. They both gave me a really big hug and have been very supportive.

    That was the easy part. Dealing with J and all the up and down feelings I've had for her has been a lot harder. She started hanging out with these new friends (one in particular) right around the time she was breaking up with me. She changed from "I wish we could still be together but I can't continue our relationship when I leave for the Navy" to "I think I'm gonna sleep on the futon when I come back from visiting my sister" in a matter of days. She also changed from the focus being on the kids to it being problems she had with me. She then came back to the bedroom, and we slept together (literally and figuratively) for about 4-5 days. After the last time, she suddenly seemed like she felt guilty about it. She avoided me for much of that day and then went hiking with her new buddy that afternoon. She has since been to the beach twice with her (they were with a group of people each time). During this time, I realized there were a few things she has possibly been dishonest about (not cheating-type stuff, but keeping her new friendships from me, possibly lying about how she met them, and trying to hide her interest in this person). For a while, she kept insisting they were just friends. The friend lives an hour away, and we got into an argument one night before she went to see her, so she ended up staying there. She has been staying there for two weeks now, and she has quit telling me that they're just friends. I'm sure if I asked, she would still say that, but I don't bother. Her date for boot camp has been moved up from November to early July, so she said a couple weeks ago that they had agreed it wouldn't be smart to start something with her leaving so soon. Anyway, I'm quite certain that they're sleeping together at this point.

    My own feelings have gone from devastated about losing her love, to confused about what she's thinking and feeling, sad about losing her friendship, anger over the dishonesty, and even a phase of deciding I can let go of all the crappy stuff to have a chance at being her friend. That feeling made me feel really good for a few days, and then it passed when I realized our ideas of friendship were different. She wanted to talk to me and hang out just enough to know that I'm moving on so she doesn't feel too guilty. But I was completely ignored when she's with her new friends. So now I'm just done.

    Anyway, there's more to it, but those are the basics. The good news is I have forced myself to get out and make new friends of my own. I was so afraid to be alone at first (especially after sending my boys off to their dad for the summer), but I have kept myself busy with meeting new people. I can even enjoy some alone time at home when I don't have plans with friends. I still get funny feelings when I get a text from J or when we saw each other last Saturday for a few minutes (she came by to get some things). Of course there are the images of her with her new girl that sometimes keep me awake at night, but I know that will go away eventually, probably when she goes to boot camp and won't have any communication with her besides written letters. And new girl doesn't seem like the type to write long, sappy love letters.

    So, that's my current status. I hope I can get back on here soon and tell you all that I am over her and moving on. Thanks for all the support and words of wisdom!
     
    #15
    Kaorin likes this.
  16. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Mom1st - Ugh! I'm sorry!!! Wow, that is some tough stuff! Thank you for coming back to update us! You sound like you are seeing her with very clear and open vision at this time. And you will be better off with out her in the long run and so will your boys! Good for you that you are making new friends and taking some time for yourself while your sons are with their father this summer. Heal your heart....you sound like you have a good heart and it deserves to be full and happy with someone who really appreciates you and your children. Best wishes to you!
     
    #16
    Bluenote and Mom1st like this.
  17. ummmm

    ummmm Member

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    I think it is very hard to be a stepmum because they have to do just as much work without getting all the reward of reciprocated feeling (they might like a step parent but not usually love them as much). In fact, it can be even more work because a stepmum has to be more careful about what she says- she can't be as demanding or blunt or make as many mistakes because the kids will be less forgiving to a newcomer. This is the perspective that i have heard from stepmothers previously.
    I hope you are doing ok. I also think it's good to make a clean break, move on & take a holiday in the sun. All will be good again :)
     
    #17

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