Looking for Guidance

Discussion in 'AfterEllen Community Forums' started by Speakers26, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. Speakers26

    Speakers26 New Member

    Oct 8, 2018
    Likes Received:
    I've been with my partner for a little over five years. She has kids from a previous heterosexual marriage. One of the aspects she stressed prior to us starting our relationship was that we would not closet our relationship. Last night, our oldest, had friends over for the first time (this was because we suggested this). One factor in this is that we both work in the school system. While we are not completely "out and proud" it's not exactly a secret. However, when it came down to the time to the parents dropping off the kids my partner requested/told me to make myself scarce and/or busy; basically she told me to hide. The more I've thought about it the more angry/resentful I become; especially because I asked about this this prior to the event. I feel like I've been lied to or maybe I just need some advice on how to just let this go.
  2. EvedeGeneve

    EvedeGeneve Member

    Feb 11, 2016
    Likes Received:
    I have been in this situation before, only in your partner's shoes. I know i sometimes had every intention to be open about our relationship status and then just got scared last minute, especially when my child was concerned. I don't know where you live but in our case i could reasonably assume that the repercussions could be scary. Even if it's not the case for you, there are still reasons which make being open not so easy. The only thing i am absolutely sure about is that my absence of openness concerning our relationship was never motivated by shame of my partner or lack of love. I understand that this is not a pleasant situation to be in and in our case too, it caused us a lot of bitter feelings and conflicts which in retrospect i think could have been avoided. For example, i am vegan and it is rare where i live. Often times when i tell people (and i only tell people if it absolutely can't be avoided or if they ask direct questions), i get a lot of tactless remarks or silly advises or questions. I sometimes found out people talked about that behind my back. So if i am at a kid's birthday party or some job related gathering or some social event where i am not that comfortable, i would probably try to hide that fact about me as much as i can even going as far as lying about food allergies or not being hungry. Does this mean i am ashamed of being vegan? Absolutely not. It is just hard to be different in our society. That being said, you should talk to her and explain how the fact that she wanted you to hide in your own house made you feel and try to work out a solution that would be acceptable for you.
    Crescida, Coffee Addict and greylin like this.

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