Long distance help

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by milomelb, Aug 8, 2013.

  1. milomelb

    milomelb Member

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    My gf and I have been dating for nearly 2 years next week. I landed a job abroad and have been away for about 3 months. The first month or so we would talk everyday but these last couple of months it just seems like its fading on her end. The time difference is a killer so I understand, but sometimes when I call it's like she has nothing to talk about. When I am sure her friends there know everything that's going on in her life. We have apps to text and we both have jobs so don't text a lot, but most of the time It's like pulling teeth for her to catch me up on her day or days. I've sent her postcards and letters and haven't received anything from her. I think the most frustrating thing for me and what is making me question whether this is going to work is that I don't know when I'm going to see her next. She has no intention of visiting me here and when I do go home for the holidays I am not sure I will be able to go visit her (my family doesn't know about me nor me being with her). I'm madly in love with her and she feels the same but I guess doesn't show it. I'm kind of afraid to bring it up because I'm afraid of losing her. Not sure if anyone has experience with long distance relationships that can give me some advice. Thanks!!!
     
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  2. Garrus

    Garrus Well-Known Member

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    ammm... let me consult my magical globe first...it says that you must communicate with her, if you don't want your relationship to make kabOoOOoom ! there's no way to avoid this problem, nor a secret trick to fix it. you will lose only time running around, get more frustrated and reach the dead line. unfortunately, my globe is unable to guess what are her feelings, so there you go - one way > communication > find out what is wrong and you will know what to do about that. You help each other and together will maintain your love and relationship.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm kind of afraid to bring it up because I'm afraid of losing her.

    Oh, no no no. Yes, talking about things stirs them up - but continuing in disfunction is much worse. The first thing and only thing I would recommend is making sure that you are talking, and not just about this "problem." You need to find out how long distance feels to her, how she is coping, and what she needs from you in order to feel whole and connected to you while you are so far away... AND you need to be prepared for the possibility that her answers to those questions are very, very different from yours.

    My fiancee and I spend the first year we were together long distance, and distance has a tendency to intensify the positive and smooth over the negative. When you're together, it's so so good, and you don't want to break it by mentioning how hard it is to be apart. Most couples tend to attribute all difficulties to the distance - it's not that I'm clingy, it's not that she's moving on, it's that we're far apart; that's all. When distance ends, usually the difficulties are still there, intensified by the habits that the demands of long-distance have created. Without effective communication, that disconnect just grows (and my fiancee and I almost broke up a month after finally moving in together, because we'd blamed it all on circumstance and not on our own behavior. Luckily, we got over it).

    Your girlfriend might be responding to your absence by pulling back and protecting herself. She might have other friends, and feel isolated by the need to talk to you when she might be distracting herself elsewhere. She might have met someone else. She might feel hopeless about the future of your relationship due to the closets and the distance. Or maybe none of those things - but you won't know which it is and how to reassure her and help her through it without actually talking about it. And if you want to make it work, once you know where she's coming from, you need to be prepared to change the way you communicate - how often, what times, in what format - so that her needs are being taken into account. And I would ask her to help meet your needs - make a plan for the holidays, even if it's just a weekend away, or offer to help with the expense of a trip. I don't know how flexible or committed your girlfriend is, so I have no insight into whether it'll work. But I do want to say that not everyone is cut out for long-distance, and that she may be feeling that she got something she didn't sign up for. Distance is hard, and every couple doing it wants to pretend that it's not. Confronting what's hard head on lets you actually prepare for it, but there might be some difficult conversations ahead.

    Just one tip - successful long distance situations in the age of technology use Skype or google video chat. You can hang out via video chat without having to say a damn thing - I used to read or cook while my fiancee did her homework - but we would be "together." It balanced our needs, since she had tons to do and I just wanted to talk to her.

    Good luck!
     
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  4. milomelb

    milomelb Member

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    Thank you!!!
     
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