Living with her after the break up, how?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Salla, Mar 26, 2015.

  1. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Hey everyone!

    This will be a long one, so I'm sorry in advance!

    We were in a relationship for almost 5 years. We started as friends and slowly became a couple. She was really young when we first started dating and I didn't plan on it to ever happen, but she somehow convinced me she knew what she wanted and that was me. There have been ups and downs throughout the whole relationship, but I have always felt like we can get through anything. And up until now, we have.

    So last September we moved together to a new country and both started our dream courses at the same University. Now, 6 months later, she broke up with me, because she has feelings for a guy and says she has changed so much here, that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

    So we're currently living under the same roof for at least the next two months and it's really rough on me knowing that she's out and spends nights with this new guy. (We broke up less than a week ago and she has spent pretty much every single day and most nights with him since then.) Even before, when she "needed to be alone" she went to him. I feel so betrayed and hurt and I can't get away from her or this place yet. I've asked her to be considerate and just not do it like this, not until we don't have to live together and I don't have to know what she does. She's promised me, that she won't see him this whole week and she was able to stay away from him for one day. How am I supposed to do this for two months??

    It really hurts to be all by myself and hurting as much I'm hurting. I've had panic attacks and I haven't slept/eaten for days. I'm just so sad and so alone. She sometimes tries to give me food and she hugs me and comforts me when she's here and I'm having a panic attack. She wants to be friends, and I really don't want to lose her either, but this is just tearing me apart.

    She has also put me in the position of having to choose/figure out my finances if I can stay and continue studying and going towards my dream or if I need to give up and go back home.

    And as much as I hate her sometimes, most of the time I'm still just so incredibly in love with her, that if she even hinted anything, I'd take her back in a heartbeat.

    But how on earth can this living together after a break up be done? Am I completely insane for asking her to wait for two months until she starts a new relationship? If we didn't live together, I wouldn't, but right now I feel like I just can't do this like this.

    Any tips on getting through this?
     
    #1
  2. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    if I can be really honest being friend with your ex is never a good idea when one of the party is still "living" in the relationship (which in this case, you). your ex clearly has someone new in her life and you're just an option to her. I know this sounds harsh but I think the reason she's still nice to you is probably because she feel bad. I don't know her personally but I too was once in your situation minus the "I still have to live with her even after we broke up"

    I understand how you feel about taking her back in a heartbeat. I would've done the same too if my ex-fiancee wants to get back with me back then, but sadly there will be time when you realise that your partner is not the right person for you anymore. shes seeing her future with someone else not to mention she had feeling for someone else before you guys even break up. for me that is a total big betrayal. I know right now everything doesn't matter as long as she wanted you back but trust me once your head is clear, all of that goin to be something like "oh my days I'm so glad I didnt get back with that fool"

    I too had my share of being depress and not bein able to breath, had panic attack whenever I hear her voice or anything that remind me of us, had my shares of not sleeping and eating, had my body health drop till the point I was under weight, so I understand what you're goin through. I ended up had to go to therapist for all that and was prescript with some medication to help me calm the frek down and again this goin to be hard but she is toxic in your life right now and there is only so much pain that you can take before you break. my suggestion cut all the hopes that you have, she not coming back.

    and now I know its a lot harder for you because you're living with her. is there any other way that you can get away before the leash is up and you moving to a new place? can you stay at your friend house??? or maybe your parents??

    you're not insane for asking her to wait at least until you're out of the house or shes out of the house but tbh I seriously don't think shes goin to wait. I mean my ex start dating the person she had feeling for 2 weeks after we call of the engagement. I know I might be taking this too personally but I seriously don't think shes goin to put her happiness on hold.

    xx
     
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    That wasn't very long at all :)

    What a crumby situation!

    Let's start with...
    The reality of this is, she's already in another relationship. Which is a really shitty move on her part, but it sounds like she's not being the biggest bitch about it at leat. Are you insane to ask her to stop what she's done? Yes, she's made her mind up. Are you insane to ask her to keep her affairs separate from you and away from the house? No.

    So, some of you're options are ...

    Wait the 2months until... Your lease is up? Or your semester is over?

    Your lease is up, do you have friends to room with?
    Your semester is over, can you transfer to another university? Can you continue your studies in your home town? Maybe going back home would be good for you, your friends/family can comfort you?

    I know it's hard getting over a relationship, specially with what you have going on. But you have to realise you're better than some girl who cheated on you and put you in this situation.

    How to get through this? Boundaries. This goes back to my "Are you insane to ask her to keep her affairs separate from you and away from the house? No." comment. Can you stop her from going to his place and staying the night? No. she's going to see the guy, sorry to say. Hopefully she's still respectful enough to go on like she's cheating and not bring the guy around the house, leave the house to talk to him, not talk about him around you. You have every right to ask her to keep him away.

    You have every right to be angry and upset. Probably feel really lost, but you're going to have to find a way to move on to better things. 30's really young still, and you're an art student? There's so much you can do with your life without her. You're going to have to find something to fill your time with instead if wallowing around the house too much. Are there some extra hours you can work? A hobby you miss? A group you can join? an extra course you can take? Bike riding/walks/gym? Dog walking for the local shelter? Whatever makes you happy!

    Hopefully some of that babbling nonsense makes sense? Just keep working towards your dream, don't let her stop you, and remember you're better than her game that she's playing.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2015
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Cracking advice.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So Agreed!

    I would also love to cheer you on your dreams, Salla. You can make it without her. Your feelings for her gave you a boost to follow your dream but you don't have to give up. Wipe your tears, eat something and don't give up.
     
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  6. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Thank you for your replies, everyone!

    I know she wants to just help herself get over the break up as fast as possible and having someone there already has really sped up her process and I know she has absolutely no intension of ever getting back together with me. I'm not really even thinking about it anymore, as much as I do still love her and want to protect her. I think it's because I've always been the protector and ass kicker in this relationship. I've motivated her to get through some rough times and I've been there for her when she's been trying to break through with her career. So I still want to do that, to kick her ass to be the star she was born to be. And I'm afraid that she'll be stuck in a shitty place without someone kicking her ass to go forward. I suppose she was the one telling me that I'm good and I can be successful in my art. So I'll miss that support and I miss supporting her. I just hate, that she tries so hard to be friends. I have told her, that I rather just not be and just endured these next two months under the same roof hating each other and not having anything to do with each other apart from the things we need to go through. I have always been the person in a break up, who wants to cut it all right there and then not try to be friends. I've fallen so hard this time, that it's just insane in my mind. I used to be able to just switch my brain off and push through the pain. Now I can't seem to be able to function at all or think of the future without a panic attack. And I think it's not even that I wait for her to come back to me, it's the losing my best friend part that's even harder than losing the girlfriend part. We both are artists in our own fields and we had so many projects brewing for the future for us, that it will be such a shame to throw all that away with the relationship. So I guess it's just all feeling so hopeless, because we had such a significant relationship, not just as a couple, but as friends and as artists. Thankfully no business or anything has been put up yet, so there's just the dreams and plans, that will be shattering, not an actual business.

    I can't get out of my contract(student house) until September, sadly. And as I've just moved here in September, I don't really have too many close friends who can just take me in right now. And my parents live in another country, so if I wish to continue the University, that's not an option. But if I do quit, I'm going back to my mom's for a while and try to get my life sorted out. I have one option, that I would consider, if I'm staying. No student houses or University accommodation for me. That would just drive me insane. But I do have one girl, who's been talking about finding a flat to move in and she offered to share it with me. Which is better than living by myself money wise.

    And yeah, as much as she says they're not in a relationship, she does spend all her time with him and just yeah, it is a relationship in my eyes. And there are just so many broken promises, she wants to spend time with me and she says we'll do this and that "i promise" and then she just never comes home. So after a week, I've finally understood my place in her life and I'm not going to wait anything from her. I'm going back home to Finland for two weeks and then hopefully coming back here for the rest of the semester and then I have the whole summer to make decisions.

    And I suppose she's not that kind of person who would bring him in, she'd save me from that. But she does talk about him quite a bit and she doesn't really understand why I get so upset. Also, she says they are not in a relationship. But they have feelings for each other. So she doesn't consider it being cheating, while I sort of do. But I guess we all look at the things differently and to me being so emotionally invested in someone else and forgetting all about me and our relationship is worse than having an actual affair. So just, yeah. It's a crappy situation and there are moments when I think I can never find a solution and then there are those moments when things seem to look better and I can see a future.

    And i have made up my mind, I'm not giving up on my dreams, I'll fight for them. I'll find a solution, to keep making art and becoming an artist. It's my promise to myself. :)

    Now I just need to get through those days of just not being able to move or get out of bed. But I know those days won't last forever and I know I have people in my life who will cheer me on. The pain is just pain and I know I'm able to get through it. It takes time, but I will. And I might come on here and complain about how much life sucks sometimes, but deep down I know things will be good again one day and life will continue and I might even find someone who will love me as truly and deeply as I love them. One day.

    I probably didn't even reply to anything, but just yeah, life sucks, but it is pretty good, too. Girls suck, but they're so awesome, too. SIGH! :p
     
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  7. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    That's the spirit! Positivity! And if sometimes you need downtime, then take it. If staying in bed is what you need then give yourself a break and do just that. But eat, don't get sick.

    We're rooting for you.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I double-dog-salmiakki-ice-cream-hold you to feel free in coming back to complain and also tell us how great you are doing!
     
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  9. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like you two had a lot of plans. Thankfully, as you said, none of those plans were put into concrete. You can open your own business, if you can't afford one yourself, maybe a fellow student has the same ambition?

    September? Shit. I guess it's a one room and you can't sub-let either? If that's the case, I would be that wierdo setting up a sheet from the ceiling to divide a room to kick her ass out to sleep in, if it were me lol...

    Yeah so, going home is the last resort, I take it. I would totally tell that girl about your situation (If you're out and she's ok with that or whatever the deal is) and see if she's serious about getting a place.

    (Here we go with the spending too much time on your partner and not focusing on our own needs talk again guys, we're really a selfish bunch aren't we? lol!) You really invested a lot of yourself in her, maybe got a bit too dependant on another? (It's ok we've all done it) So while she's being selfish, it's time to live for yourself! Enjoy your time back home to the fullest, but seriously look into getting back into doing what you loved before you met her. There must have been something? I know you two were best friends and all, but you couldn't have been attached at the hip. Play those songs you loved but she hated, ask some girls at school if they want to go for drinks? Sounds like you're on the right track and you've got some plans anyways! Go eat some icecream and gorge yourself with chocolate, it's good in these cases lol.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You are in a really tough situation, I'm really sorry.

    Let's go through it one step at a time. First off, she is being hurtful and immature. It will eventually come back to bite her - karma wise. Part of being an adult is learning that we can't / shouldn't just do whatever we feel like, whenever we feel like. Learning to empathize with other people's feelings and act appropriately is part of that.

    In her case, she is being selfish and emotionally tone deaf. Of course it is hard for you to break up after 5 years. Of course it is hard for you to see her move on. Of course it is hard for you to see her with this guy, to hear her talk about him, be so into things, etc... So she is not balancing her feelings (wanting to do a rebound) with your feelings (struggling with break up).

    Secondly, you can't really stop her form being hurtful and immature. If she is going to deal with a break up by jumping into something with someone else, you can't stop her. If she has so little respect for you that she won't honor your feelings "please don't talk about the guy, it hurts me too much" there is little you can do about it.

    The only things you can do are 1) realize what kind of person she really is. Do you really want someone who cares so little about you as a partner in life? It sucks to find out after 5 years, but 5 years is better than 20. The other thing that you can do is try to get a little space from the situation emotionally and physically. Put your foot down that she can't talk about the guy. If she tries, walk out of the room, or interrupt her until she shuts up. Try and get as much physical space as you can - hang out in your room, go out for long walks, stay working in the school studios, etc... @Nancy tells me England is a lovely place to go walking. It sucks to be in exile from your own place, but if that is what it takes to get to September.

    Now for the panic attacks. There are ways to deal with panic attacks. Deep breathing. Trying to distract or soothe yourself when you feel one coming on. Cutting down on coffee, getting exercise and trying to have a regular sleep schedule all help. Or allowing yourself to feel the panic and have a good long cathartic cry.

    But I'm guessing that part of the panic is that you need to grieve and are struggling to do it while she and her guy are around. As long as the emotions are locked up inside, they are going to wind up coming out as other symptoms - anxiety, depression, lack of appetite, insomnia, etc... You are in a genuinely tough situation. It's normal to want to cry your guts out, then get mad and rip up all your pictures of her. It's normal to feel lost and like all your plans are just gone. It's hard to have all those feelings inside and not be able to totally let them out, because she is around.

    I guess in that sense I would encourage you to try and channel the feelings into something healthy. Exercise, a journal, your art, poetry. Whatever works for you.

    And don't be so considerate of her feelings. It is actually OK to get mad and yell at her. It's ok to cry right in front of her and be like 'this is what you are doing to me.' Obviously, it's not ok to cross lines like hitting or damaging her stuff. But you don't actually need to keep this all inside because 'she wants to be friends' or 'she is being nice' (actually she is being manipulative).

    None of this is easy, but it does get better. I've been divorced (I'm since remarried). It stunk. It took awhile for me to find a place after my ex dumped me. I moved "upstairs" and she was still downstairs. I had to see her / deal with her. Not every day, but frequently. I had panic attacks, was angry and sad. I had other stuff going on at the time, so I was in a really shitty place.

    But you take it day at a time. The pain does go away. Things do get better. You find out who your friends are. You find out that you are stronger than you ever realized. Hang in there.
     
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  11. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    Be brave @Salla don't give up on your dream for anyone else in this world.

    if you can move out from there but still stay in England to pursue your dream, find a way to do so. I know everything is hard right now but once your head is cleared up you're goin to be okay and life will open so many doors for you. :)

    and Tbh I cnt speak for everyone but usually the reason exes still wants to be friends (especially in your situation) is because they don't want to be the Bad guy who knows that they've crushes and shattered the future that you guys have planned together. to me she's trying to treat you like a friend because she still want you in her life as a friend but personally I don't think you can De-graded relationship just in matter of seconds which is what shes doin with all this talk about the guy she has feelings for.

    stay positive! :), I would love to hear updates from you .

    Best Regards
    Tan
    xx
     
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    Last edited: Mar 27, 2015
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  12. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    We indeed did. Everything was us, everything we did was for us. We just clicked that way from the beginning. We loved to travel and experience things and I wanted to show her the things I've already seen and live the excitement through her eyes again. We even met through an artist we both enjoyed and our interests were so similar, but at the same time not too much to be completely one person. We did enjoy spending most of our time together up until we moved here and being so young, she apparently just started finding herself and is really confused about who she is. I'd be, if I suddenly found a man attractive, haha. And me being me, I'm concerned for her well being, no matter how much I've gotten hurt.

    And yeah, September, BUT the initial plan was to go to Finland at the end on June anyway, so it's all good. But yeah, it will be long two months after Easter....I'm hoping she's willing to work for it, too and not just dive into the new life of hers completely, because she can't move in with him just yet and she has to spend at least some time with me, too, so I'm hoping she'll keep it civil and nice and not just gloat the new one around too much. Although, he gave a her a ring(not an engagement one, but still a ring) and they've been talking about moving in together in the fall, so there's that "not in a relationship" comment down the drain. Oh and we do have two rooms, so it's better than having to share a bedroom. I just need to make sure I don't lock myself up here by myself and just go downstairs and at least say hello to one person everyday...

    And yeah, the girl on my course knows the whole situation and we have decided to look for apartments after Easter. I just wish my head and heart can take staying here. It's not like it's my dream city, but at least it's pretty close to my dream course and two more ears and I can officially call myself an artist and can just start my new career. Two years isn't that long, right? And crisis like this are supposed to help with the art, so I'll better start kick some art butt! haha

    And we still are a little dependent on each other. We're going together back to Finland tomorrow. It was all planned after the break up and yes, I did all the planning and buying while she was in her cotton candy lovey dovey state of mind just agreeing on everything or saying, you know the best, you always did the planning. That's true, but maybe try a little now that I'm not taking care of you anymore. She'd probably end up with the most expensive flights and most unological times and would miss half of the transportation if I didn't tell her to do things. Which by the way was one of the reasons why we broke up, I'm too demanding and too controlling. And I admit, I get frustrated and say things, when I know how things are supposed to go and how things would work out easiest and then living with someone who just believes things will just come to her and happen to her without any effort or planning got quite frustrating, but I still love(d) her damn happy go lucky attitude!

    And this whole let's be friends thing is frustrating. I want it, but I don't want it from the person she currently is. She is so confused as of who she is, that she doesn't know how to be normal around me anymore. And I don't think I'm the only one who has noticed that, so it's not just because of me she's different, but in general she has changed.

    I will try my best to just to be her friend at least as long as we still live under the same roof. I try to keep on going with my life and doing my thing and just trying to find myself again. I think I lost myself in our relationship completely, since I really didn't know who I was when we started dating, so I better start dating myself and become best friends with myself before I ever even consider a new relationship.

    The living together thing has been quite up hill down hill for the full week we haven't been a couple, tho. She's spent most of the days with him or at lectures and going to his place to rehearse and open mic (to a place where I tried to get them to go sooooo many months and now that I can't go, they do. UGH!) and she just keeps saying she'll be home for the night and then she never comes and just texts me. It's nice, that she thinks about doing so, but for fucks sake, I just rather have no hopes of ever seeing her, so I asked her not to make any promises, because more than like things will not go as planned now even more than when we were dating (that happened all the time and I got really frustrated with all the broken promises) . So just yeah, finding the balance somehow.

    And one more thing we're trying to figure out what the hell to do with. We have tickets to a Melissa Etheridge gig next month and she was kind of our thing since the beginning since we realized our feeling for each other the first (and only) time we went to her gig in London 5 years ago. Next month I was preparing to actually propose to her during our trip to see her again, so yeah, eff my life and my plans right now. We are still both wanting to go, because you know, it's Melissa, but at the same time it's awkwardness all over. We'd have to share a hotel room and get there together and just yeah, got through all the emotions the first time we came there and now go through the emotions that are going on. So yeeeeah, decisions, decisions. Maybe it would be just the perfect ending for the relationship, too. Who knows.
     
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  13. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Thanks Tan!

    I know, I know her so well, that I know, that's exactly what it is. Especially now that she's been the one breaking it off and continuing into something new so fast. She's said that she's afraid all our mutual friends hate her for it and she doesn't want to be the bad guy and I've had to tell her multiple times, that I have spoken very positively of her even if she has hurt me. Our mutual friends know my feelings and my view on the situation, but at the same time I've encouraged them to listen to her too. But seems like she's not really talking to them, or anyone for that matter (apart from the guy) and she used to be all about talking about things with her friends, up to the point where I was very uncomfortable with it (for example she talked about our problems to this guy and look where we are.....) I just feel like she has let him influence her decisions quite a bit, because he already had feelings for her before she realized anything. I've seen it, our mutual friends have seen it, drunken people at the bar have seen it and asked about them the first time they went out just the two of them. So people around her have know what's going on and people have told her, but she didn't believe it and she just went on with their friendship and this is the result. As much as I hope she's happy now, I'm still really scared she's made a huge mistake and doesn't realize it until she's too deep in it again.

    I'm trying! and this talking and writing things down thing has really helped, me so I'll definitely come over more again to just chat with you all! :)

    xx
     
    #13
  14. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Thank you, thank you, thank you! This makes me feel less like an ass hole since she keeps telling me I'm manipulative and I'm not allowed to feel certain ways and I'm not allowed to show her how I feel. Because it makes her suffer. That I'm selfish. And that I'm horrible for one moment being okay and then after she has broken another promise and just been showing off her new f**king ring, I can't feel hurt or tell her, that I rather not even try to be friends. Then there are those moments when we actually sit down and watch tv as a group of friends, she doesn't mention him or have her phone with her, she for the first time in 6 months actually listens to me and talks to me. These moments tell me, that we can get through the next 2 months or so without too much damage. But I wish she'd just understood it and just kept him away. She even talked about bringing him here when I'm not home, as I'm planning on going to spend the weekend with our mutual friends a bit further away. She doesn't understand why it would feel wrong to me. And I asked her why she even wants to do it and her reply was, because I want to show him my room. Um, okay, are you 5 now? Take a photo if that's so important. It's not like it's your f**king childhood room or anything special. It's been our make up/my art room/junk room up until now. I just wouldn't want him in this house. I don't have a reason why, but it just feels uncomfortable. :( And maybe I'm being an asshole about it, but still. And I kind of feel like she will have him over the second I've left, but yeah...

    Also, she calls it living in the moment! It's like this amazing thing that makes every mistake or things she has forgotten okay. Which is why she also doesn't understand why she should wait or not talk about him or not have his things around. Because she's just living in the moment...

    You're right, I need to stop seeing her as such an amazing person. She clearly is not as perfect as I've been thinking for the past years. I'm trying to organize the room from our bedroom into my bedroom as we speak. It's harder than I thought, tho. And I've been walking a lot. I've always been overweight and being with her fattened me up quite a bit too (on top of the shitty job I was in and had no time for myself) so I've decided to just start walking at first and whenever I manage to start eating again, it'll be healthy things mostly. I'll just work on my mind and my body now that I don't have any distractions. I have decided to find places to exhibit my work this summer, too. So I'll have things to do and work on. I have my mom who's been the biggest cheerleader ever. We've become so much closer during the last week or so and I just can't wait to see her Tuesday morning. And my family, although, I'm not out to them, I still know they know things aren't good and they will take me in and love me. And I have friend coming over for at least a few days and she's just amazing. She's been a rock when I've been doubting myself and she knows my ex, too and it's been so good to have someone who knows her to keep my feet on the ground and tell me I'm not going crazy, that she's seen the change too and that I wasn't such a horrible person I've described (by her new man) to be. That she did love and adore me as much as I did her. The friend is an old roommate, so she's seen us for months and how we were together.

    The panic attacks seem to have slowed down. I haven't had a proper one for a couple of days. Yesterday, tho, I had some fries she made and just threw up all 5 of them I managed to eat. I had had a feeling she didn't really believe me, that I was feeling as shitty and not able to eat and throwing up and all that crap, but at least now she saw it herself. Maybe she's not as ice cold about it anymore. And yeah, I think the initial I want to hurt you feeling has disappeared. I have some battle wounds myself from the first day, because I just stood in front of the door and wouldn't let her leave as i needed to talk things through and she got physical with me, because she just had to get to him. And i suppose it was stupid of me to try to keep her there, but in that state of mind I just felt like I can't be alone with it all and she was really the only one with all the answers. It was such an effed up 24hrs.

    Right now my plan is to take one day at a time. Today I still have to pack my bags to go home and go to the store and get some food for the travels tomorrow(just for myself as much as I want to feed her as well...) and something to bring back to my niece and nephews since it's Easter. And maybe finally get my hair colored by her, if she manages to keep her promises. not counting on that one. Then tomorrow we're leaving in the morning, taking a bus to the airport and flying home. Traveling all day, because that's the cheap way to do it. haha. Then on Tuesday I'm at my mom's and I can breathe again.

    I'll definitely keep you all posted as this seems have turned into my diary of nonsense. haha

    Peace, love and rainbows to you all!
     
    #14
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  15. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Thank you! It's good to have people rooting for me! :)
     
    #15
  16. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Okay, I hope I replied to everyone. My mind is really as scattered as these messages right now, but I appreciate every single one of you for replying even if I might have missed someone!

    Big hugs and thank yous! xx
     
    #16
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  17. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    o_O
    All things told, I think you are doing really well with things.

    I do think that she is being selfish and manipulative. You've never said how old she is, but she sounds both very young and not very nice as a person.

    It sounds to me like some part of her knows that what she is doing is wrong (or rather, how she is doing it). She doesn't want to face the guilt about it, so she is projecting onto you "you are manipulating me by crying!!"

    This is utter bullcrap. Normal emotional reactions aren't manipulations. And you are under no obligation to be happy for her rebound relationship (a ring after a few weeks? Moving in after a few months? That's healthy. o_O

    She broke your heart and is being really selfish. You are under no obligation to protect her from that.

    Next, you still write a lot about her. Trying to protect her from your friends' judgement. Trying to sort out her state of mind, etc...

    Stop that. You need some space from taking care of her and always thinking about her emotions. As long as you stay connected like that, it's going to perpetuate the grief. When you catch yourself doing it, take a step back and ask 'what am I feeling? What do I need?'

    Also you need your friends right now. You need at least a few people that you can talk honestly with about what is going on. You can't martyr yourself and refuse to get any support to 'protect her.' So pick a few people and be honest about what is going on- the rebound, the parading of the ring, etc... To your more extended circle of friends you can keep it classy 'our relationship had run it's course, we're working on being friends.' But you need a few people you can honestly cry / bitch / freak out to.

    She made her bed (dumping you, being hurtful about how she is moving on with rebound-guy). Now she gets to sleep in it - which includes some people being upset with how she is handleing it.

    And it includes seeing you hurt.

    And it includes you not taking care of her anymore.

    And includes you moving on, little bit at a time.

    And includes you not rescuing her when rebound blows up.

    Lastly, the physical stuff is not cool, which I think you know. I don't know British law, but here in the US, trying to keep someone from leaving can be considered a serious crime. It doesn't sound like you are going to go there with physical stuff again and that is a good thing.

    Keep us updated. My inbox is also open, if you want to pm.
     
    #17
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  18. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    When some people get super stressed they can't eat. Make a smoothie with peanut butter and bananas. It's easier to drink than eat when stressed. I find that graham crackers calm my stomach when stressed.

    Try to focus on your education going forward. As a way to make the next two months easier take a poster board and outline your personal goals. Don't include anyone in them. For instance, your first goal could be to find another place to live. Put pictures on the board of certain milestones. A grad cap can be glued next to graduate.

    Place the board where she can see it so she knows you are moving on. It might be a surprise to her to know you have made new life goals that don't include her And, you can start focusing on what's important.

    It's the people who push toward their goals who obtain them. Nothing just falls in your lap. Your ex will find out soon enough that success is never a fluke. You have a greater chance of obtaining it than she does.
     
    #18
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  19. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Thank you! :) I'm really trying my hardest to get through this as little damage as possible.

    Yeah, she's turning 22 this year. So she's really young. A lot younger than me. And I was really stupid when I ever let her persuade me into the relationship. I was completely against it as she was so young (it's fine by the law in Finland, btw). But she was so good with her words, so grown up and we discussed it for months before we ever decided to date. And we took everything very slowly and we were in a long distance relationship for quite a while. After about 2 years her situation had changed and she was switching schools and we decided, that it would be a good idea for her to move to a completely new city and move in with me. It really was great and we were talking about marriage and getting a dog and having kids one day. We also had similar dreams, working in art/theatre, living in Helsinki/New York/London for example. I pushed towards her dreams of being a singer/actress. I helped her with her Youtube channel and I helped her financially quite a bit, I photographed, I videographed, I did her make up and helped her with a lot of things. I was there to build her up every step of the way, I pushed her to make more things and promote herself. I was really her biggest cheerleader, her assistant and her manager as well as her girlfriend. She would never be in this situation, if I hadn't pushed her to continue her school and pushed her to apply and reminded her of all of her deadlines and just organized her life. She's amazing, when she puts her mind into something, but most of the times she really needs someone to just push her and to remind her and to push her some more, even in things like doing the dishes or the laundry, so I really don't know what the fuck she will do with someone who's like her. He's graduated almost a year ago and still lives in a student house, no job, no goals, nothing. And as much I tell myself, I don't care, I still really deeply do and I really don't want her to get stuck with someone like him.

    And yeah, apparently, according to them both, I have been manipulating her for months now. For months, I have been deeply depressed and alone, while she has been talking to him constantly. And afterwards she has admitted, that she knew I've been depressed, but she just basically didn't want to/know how to deal with it. And I was begging for her attention. Sure, I begged her to stay home when she was going out with him as I just really needed her and I was so anxious and panicky, that I didn't want to be alone. And sure, I was jealous. I was fucking jealous, but she would've been too, if I was the one having all those conversations and fun nights out and fun days in his fucking bedroom. and whenever she was with him, she just completely stopped talking to me. (Now it's at the point of her turning her phone off to be with him and no one can contact her). But she didn't know how to put her fucking phone down for one night a week. I asked for a date night once a week, just for the two of us, but she couldn't stay away from her phone. I got mad and I confronted her several times, if there's something between them. The answer was always,of course, a no. Up until she apparently realized her feelings for him just two days before we broke up. Two days before we broke up, when she "left to be alone" and was with him the whole fucking time up until the very day she came to see me and told me her decision. And she said he had absolutely NO involvement in her decision. Suuuuuuuure.

    Yupp, so very healthy indeed....apparently the ring wasn't bought for her, but he just "happened to have it" and gave it to her. And moving in. That will be the stupidest thing she has ever done in her life. We always talked how you need to know someone really well to move in. But she just seems to be so under his spell, that she can't see what she's doing. Apparently her friends are cheering her on and saying it's a great idea. C'mon people!

    Yeah, I talk a lot about her and I still talk to her and I still try to make sense of this all. I'm also trying to figure all the practical stuff like going through our things and trying to ask her what's her's and what's mine and she just doesn't understand, that these things need to be done now and not next summer. I'm aiming to start my full on healing process next summer, there's no way I'm going to just wait til then and open up the wounds again. We're both in Finland right now for two weeks, so why not get shit done? I'm trying my hardest to stop taking care of her and her needs. Which apparently I never have done, because I'm not one of those "poor baby" -types. If things are shit, I'll hug you and kiss you and hold you for a while and then I tell you to just get up and try again. I will kick your ass to do it again and to get through hard times. That's how I've been brought up and that's how I have made it through my parents divorce, my shitty father, cancer scare, being 21 and hearing I'm not able to have biological children, friendships ending, relationships ending, loved ones dying, shitty jobs and shitty people and just life in general. If you just keep babying someone, it's not in my eyes an efficient way to go towards happiness or your goals or getting over shitty things. But I do understand, that some people need the babying and apparently she's one of them. Which is another reason why I think she can never make anything of herself being with him.

    I sadly don't have that many friends being quite introverted. I do have someone who I can just bitch and vent to, though and she's the voice of reason and she will tell me if I'm being an idiot as well. I have a few other friends as well, but I don't talk to them as much about the situation and then there are those friends who know what has happened, but aren't really asking more and I'm not really even that comfortable telling them more. I just feel like I need more friends of my own and not people who have been friends with her first and then become my friends or the other way round. I need new (my age) people in my life!

    Yeah, I know it's not cool and I would never do it again. And it was really both of us doing the wrong thing in that situation. I still have the bruises, too. So yeah, not cool on both of our part and I really feel like shit for doing it. I'm not usually like that, at all. I just rather sulk and stay quiet than do anything physical or even yell. This situation has really brought out the worst in me in every way.

    Thank you! I might take up on that offer. :)

    And things are currently kind of okay. I'm at my mom's, she's at her's and we have like 700km between us. She said she's going to distance herself from him for the two weeks and figure herself out. But little birdies tell me, that's not what's going on at all. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm just trying to figure out my life for the next few months. I already know I'm going back on the 14th of April and leaving on the 22nd of June. So that's around 70 days living under the same roof. In that time I should figure out if I'm able to stay. If I can make myself live in the same house, I guess I can make myself live in the same city for two more years....but that's still very much not sure at all. The only thing I know for sure right now is that I want to make art and be an artist.

    I'm also trying not to let her broken promises bother me too much. She was supposed to drive down here and come get her things and go through things with me today, but she never came. And the whole mentally preparing myself for it and then her not coming after all put me through another anxiety attack type of thing, tho. I've been a lot better with them lately, but the stupidest things seem to trigger them.

    Apart from that, I'm happy to be with the family and I've been able to sleep more and eat some, too. :)

    Annnd this is a novel and probably makes no sense, so my apologies and congratulations to everyone who gets through it. haha
     
    #19
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  20. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Oh wow, 10 years! I'm already feeling like this after "just" 4,5 years. I really don't understand how people can just fall so hard for someone after only a short period of time, that they think it's okay to just dump the person, who's been there for you for years. It always seems to come quite unexpectedly, too. 9 months all together must be torture. We're tied together until September, but thankfully I can leave for Finland for two months in the summer. I'd probably go insane if we had to stay in the same house until then and seeing her being happy in a new relationship. I'm just so mad at people who think it's okay to just cheat or go from a long solid relationship straight into something new. My head just can't process that thought. Even if I had been the one who had feelings for someone else and decided to break up, I still would just stop myself, make sure I'm over the relationship and her, until I just jump into something new. It's not even fair for the new person to have to deal with it, because it'll explode in her face sooner or later. But I guess my mind just works so differently from quite a lot of people, so I will never understand her ability to move on and just move all the love and emotion to him. It literally feels like two weeks ago she was loving me and then she just ripped all the love from me and just handed it to him. Ugh.

    I really hope you will be okay living with her and find that happy place very very soon! And thank you, good luck to you as well! :)
     
    #20

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