Let go or Hold on

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by SweetZest, Jul 12, 2013.

  1. SweetZest

    SweetZest Member

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    So my gf and I have been together as a couple for about two months but has known each other almost a year now. Things have been going great untill she got some really bad medical news. she's since become very emotional and angry at times. Last weeknd I was late for her 2nd Birthday and she called me up saying she was cancelling our plans. She was upset so I left her to cool down and relax but a couple of hours later she told me that thing between us isn't going to work. She's been distant all week and I've tried to give her a bit of a break but now I fear she is serious and really wants to end us. And I can't decide if it's because I was late or just because she's looking to get rid of me after the medical thing. She says she loves me but our love is not enough. Now I have no idea what to do.

    help me out sisters because I'm going crazy trying to deal with this on my own. xoxo
     
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  2. thoughtsofdestiny

    thoughtsofdestiny Active Member

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    Well, depending on how late you were and whether or not you have a habit of this, I would be upset too. Did you call and give her a reason why or did you decide to wait until you showed up to explain? It makes a huge difference. It sounds like her issue with you may be with the way you choose to communicate. Instead of trying to comfort her when she's upset with you, you disappear, which gives her the impression that she's not important to you. I understand that you just want to give her some space, but that's probably not the way she sees it. Put yourself in her shoes.
     
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  3. MeltingCharcoals

    MeltingCharcoals Active Member

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    At this point I doubt the ball is in your court. She seems to be having some issues that only she can sort out. Maybe, just maybe, she's expecting you to make her feel better by creating a miracle. When we (girls in general) are stressed, we tend to take it out on the person close to us and unconsciously expect them to fix our complications. That being said, I don't know you or your girl at all. Maybe being late was the last straw of your other mishaps? I'd advice you to explain to her in a letter of why you disappeared when she needed you. Write, don't say it on her face cause she'll just use it against you.

    P.S. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experience this scenario
    me: *tries to hug her after an argument
    gf: *pushes me away*
    me: What do you want? just tell me..you want space? you want to tell me I'm a jerk? You want to be left alone? Just say so...
    gf: *shakes head* or *rolls her eyes* why can't you just give me some space? i'm upset, you keep asking questions, I'm mad just LET ME BE will you???

    Hence I can never understand this "Instead of trying to comfort her when she's upset with you, you disappear, which gives her the impression that she's not important to you."

    When is it okay to leave a girl alone when she looks and sounds like she's about to kill 30 terrorists?
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    giving space

    I admit: I'm one of those obnoxious women who gets frustrated by too much affection or too many questions after conflict. (I have lashed out at my partner for being "all in my face" when she's trying to make up with me.) I want space, but also am likely to feel abandoned if my partner just walks away. What we both want is to resolve the conflict, and sometimes you need to give your adrenaline-fueled lizard brain time to switch off before that can happen. Here's the best-case scenario for us:

    "Babe, I can see that you're upset and you need some space. I'm going to be reading in the next room (/tackling the yard/watching TV/doing the dishes/getting some work done). Just come find me or holler when you're ready to spend some time together."

    Notice: she is not asking me any questions or demanding that I decide what happens next. She is available, but I don't have to explain what I need. I control the end of the "space" - when I am ready, I know where to find her. She is not pressuring me with her own needs. Her tone is calm, controlled, and not demanding. I am not being abandoned by her, because I know exactly how to bring her back. Obviously, this is easier because we live together, but even before that happened, she would go to a different room in my apartment, go out for a run, or make us some tea, which would give me some time to get it together. Usually, after about 10-20 minutes of being by myself, I figure out what I want to say and am able to approach her without anger or frustration.
     
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  5. thoughtsofdestiny

    thoughtsofdestiny Active Member

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    Lorienczhiu for the win! :D
     
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  6. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I think your gf is spinning a bit dealing with the news of the medical issue and doesn't know what she needs to make her feel better. I think she is definately looking to you to help and is frustrated by your response. You are doing your best, but I rekon you should talk to her a bit more about it. Try to get past the hurt and anger she may be feeling and try and get to talking to her about how she feels and what support she needs. She could be just pushing you away as she feels so alone and wretched in dealing with the news.
     
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