Lesbian girlfriend is well, Bi.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by chasingclouds, Oct 3, 2014.

  1. chasingclouds

    chasingclouds New Member

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    My once lesbian girlfriend has sex with males and enjoyed it (heaps of times before she met me). She's sexually attracted to them but more so girls. I dunno, I accepted it and all but crap. I'm finding it hard to deal with, the thought of her with guys is the biggest turn off ever. It literally disgusts me. I don't know what to do! Help! Seriously. I need advice.

    Please? Someone answer my cry of help!
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    She's with you now, isn't she? I mean, unless she's cheating on you, then you're being caught up in her past -- which she can't change. You shouldn't penalize her for things that happened before she ever knew you existed. It's called a past, which most of us have, and none of us can change.

    I've been with guys in the past -- and I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't have good experiences. This doesn't mean that I'm not a lesbian. I've never connected with guys the way I do with women. Getting caught up in labels is really kind of stupid, IMO, because sexual orientation is not 100% about the gender with whom someone has sex.

    You've got two choices...either accept your girlfriend or don't. But I guarantee that as you grow older and encounter more relationships, nobody is going to have an ideal past. If it's not her sleeping with guys, it'll be something else which you can't quite stomach. Acceptance for who someone is -- faults and all -- is a building block for a healthy, stable, relationship.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2014
  3. MizzLadyPants

    MizzLadyPants Well-Known Member

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    Honestly I'm sure loads of "lesbian" woman have had sex with guys... the road to figuring out your sexuality isn't easy. And sexuality is not so cut & dry. I'm a lot like your gf.. enjoy sex with men but the emotional attraction is not the same, and the sexual attraction is a little different.

    Honestly you say she's had sex with men "heaps of times".. what does that mean like lots of male partners?... cause honestly i'm "disgusted" or turned off by people who have sex with lots of people- but i wont judge you for it- And I especially wont judge you for who you've slept with. I mean doesn't it suck when people do that?
     
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  4. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Ok so basically in a nutshell you really haven't accepted who she really is on that front. We all have pasts, some of us don't even know we like women until later on in age. Try to be more self-confident. Out of everybody, she chose you to be with. What do you think about that - that she chose you out of the millions of people on the planet. Means your special, doesn't it?
     
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  5. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    hmmmm... I'm a bisexual girl my self and I find this happen to me from time to time, I mean when a "lesbian" flirt with me and as soon as they know that I'm a bisexual they will just poof away, I'm not saying that every lesbian will do that BUT I know handfull of lesbian who well... admit that they prefer not to date bisexual woman because we, bisexual tend to end up with guys instead of girls or we tend to be confuse or maybe one day we choose to be straight again which I guess for "lesbian" is like... the ultimate betrayal (to be honest it doesn't make sense because you can't choose your sexuality, you were born with it...) and to be really honest this problem only happen with some woman I've never been with a guy who has a problem with me being bisexual who had sex with girls before.. well unless they're like a religious conservative narrow minded homophobe then yeah...

    for your case however if shes with you and you guys are in close relationship and shes not cheating on you (with either gender) I think you should let it go. I mean it will eventually hurt your relationship, instead of enjoying what a beautiful relationship both of you are sharing with each other right now, you will end up worrying about how many man she slept with in the PAST and how disgusting it is for you because she used to have sex with guys and well I'm sure that even some lesbian has been with mans before in the PAST so... yeah.. you need to work on that... good luck mate

    xx
     
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  6. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    I will assume that you are having trouble with her past rather than her present (she is not having a male partner simultaneously).

    I concur with many here, she is with you now and that is what counts. Someone with a clean past is hard/impossible to find and she cannot change it (no one can't). Furthermore, that past is what makes her the person she is right now, the person you love. If it were not for her past she will be different. You have your own past, we all do.

    You need a different perspective on the situation, you need a different understanding of her that doesn't torture you.

    I understand what you are going through. Imagination and overthinking things are not your best friends for this. Are you worried about what she did? or what she felt? (I am not actually asking but just think about it) For some people, it helps them to ask questions about the things they get upset about, in a way demystifying the past.

    For me, what has worked in then past in this situation is changing the image that bothers me. Like you, I don't like the idea of her with other people. Period. No one, boy or girl. So I had to figure out what was the thing that actually was affecting me the most. For example, I realized that what bothered me was that she may not feel the same for/with me as she did with her past partner(s). I was more concerned with her feelings than the act itself. So I realized that I don't want her to feel the same. I want her to love me uniquely. I figured that I want to be the best partner she has ever had, the best love, the best s.... everything, so that the past doesn't count.

    Every once in a while I get insecure so I talk to her and I ask her for reassurance.

    Good luck.

    -- CA
     
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  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I agree with what everyone has said so far. As long as she isn't treating you as less than any of the men she's been with, don't let it bother you. If you can't get past it, because let's face it, we all have our deal breakers, you need to move on.
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    A couple of thoughts:

    My wife completely doesn't understand why anyone would want to have sex with a man, has no attraction to male bodies, and I'm pretty sure no interest in imagining me having sex with a guy. But the things is, I don't particularly like imagining her with any other women, either, and generally find it a good idea to avoid digging too deep into the well of jealousy that is past relationships, partners, and sexual encounters. If you don't like to imagine her sleeping with men, don't keep taking yourself down that road, and when you start to drift that way redirect yourself (read a sweet note she left you; imagine her naked and in YOUR bed; plan your next date). The extra insecurity my wife (and maybe you?) harbors about my ex-boyfriends is about worrying if there's something they can do in bed that she can't (which there sure isn't) and whether I might miss the ease and acceptance of being in a heterosexual relationship. Is there something other than just the idea of her doing the horizontal mambo with a dude that makes you uncomfortable? Is it her sudden non-lesbian identity? (Sudden to you, not her, I mean). Worry about how you compare? Persistent stereotypes about bisexual women that you can't shake? Those are real questions, but the first step to addressing any of them is thinking honestly and fairly about what it is, and where it's coming from.

    And from one more bisexual woman to you, please do so kindly. Remember that your girlfriend was honest with you, and that bisexual women often face pretty exhausting erasure and rudeness from homos and heteros alike. My now-wife didn't know about the men I'd dated until about six months in, because I just couldn't deal with being called an unreliable fence-sitter again. Her patience, reflection, and honesty made it much easier to have this conversation and to address her worries without feeling accused or abandoned or asked to lie about my identity and my past.

    Your girlfriend chose you. She has had partners before you; she has had sex before you; she chose you. She trusts you to accept her as she is, and to trust her to bring her best into the relationship. I hope you can figure out how to do that - because it really is worth it.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think you are being judgemental. If you don't want to date bi women - OK, that's your perogative. Everyone has their list 'no smokers, no vegans, etc...'

    But to date someone and then beat them up (emotionally) I think is very unfair.

    My wife is close friends with an ex-bf. he's a good guy. I try not to imagine them together, but I'm not jealous or angry or anything. I'm glad he's in our lives and I'd be bummed if we never saw him again.

    I think the issue here is more with you - jealousy, being unfair to your gf, projecting your dislike of hetero sex onto her, etc...
     
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  10. Simply Sentimental

    Simply Sentimental New Member

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    Hi everyone and Bluenote... Question for you. First time poster here.

    My wife and I are both 32, have been together for 9 years and have been married for 2 1/2 years. She also has remained close with an ex-boyfriend and through all these years we have both been close friends with him. He helps me with projects around the house etc and has just always been this harmless dopey guy.

    My wife told me that she loves me and our life together and married me because she wants us forever. We are that couple everyone loves and have deep rooted close connections with both sides of each other's family and life is Great. I have always known my wife had been with Many guys before me, as well as women, and I know she chose me. I myself have never had an intimate relationship with a guy. I love guys and have nothing against them, I've just never been with one.

    Our sex is great and intimate but you can tell both of us oftentimes want Closer to each other. Like, penetration/both bodies moving together and feeling Those feelings at the same time. We do mutually please each other when we have sex, have straps ons etc but... Yeah.

    I myself even though I Do think about what it would be like to be with a guy would never go behind my wife's back to explore it because I love her with every bit of me. I am sentimental, sweet, in love with her. As she says and shows that she is with me. Honestly our relationship is wonderful.

    The other day she told me she has been sporadically been "fooling around" with this ex-boyfriend for years and it crushes her that I found out but even though I have never known she satiates her "urge" and comes home to me, the one she chose and married. She wants me to be okay with them randomly having sex and that she doesn't want these random urges to ruin us because it is Me she wants. In a way I really do understand this. Life is great with her.

    We have only been talking about this since the day before yesterday. Last night we kind of came to a mutual agreement on some "rules" like no kissing on the mouth, use protection, can only be intimate 2 times a month, and no more secrets and lying. This all crushes me.

    She guarantees they do not have feelings for each other and I tell her that in every experience there are emotions because we are People. She says I have sex with my heart and she has sex with her body and that's it. She can just walk away. She is trying to be careful to protect my feelings because she never wanted to hurt me and that's why after all these years she is still here.

    I don't know how okay I'm going to be with this and it Kills me to think of him being inside her, hearing her, feeling her, seeing her, making her feel things only I should be able to make her feel :(

    Advice?
     
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  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Not sure why you said yes. Cheating is cheating, be it Lesbian or Bi or whatever.

    I'm sorry, but the only advice I have is couples therapy.

    I know it sounds like a cop out, but it's not. There's clearly a lot going on: a) she cheated on you b) she just dictated an open relationship c) you feel like your choices are 'say yes, or loose her.'

    I think you guys have deeper things you need sorted out. About trust (which she has broken), about honesty, about communication, about equality in the relationship and about if you can cope with an open relationship.

    Dan Savage, the gay sex columnist, gives great advice about couples in open relationships. They need better communication and trust, not less.

    I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I really wish you the best.
     
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  12. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Bluenote nailed it.

    I'm not a fan of open relationships -- I've never been in one but I know my emotional limitations and I just can't bear the thought of sharing someone. At times in my life I'd agree with your wife that sex is just sex and you can walk away with no emotions. But, when you marry -- that's love. Sex isn't just sex in a marriage...there's many layers to it. And the trust and bond that comes with married life...sorry, you just don't fuck with that.

    I have friends who are ex boyfriends -- a professional colleague in particular -- but we are now friends for far longer than we ever dated (in law school and i've been out for 16 years). In fact, our relationship failed probably because I was gay and not willing to admit it to him. That's not the point. The point is -- he's married too. We get together socially, have dinner, I've tried cases with him -- but I can't say that I've ever remotely fooled around with him. No, just no. First of all, he has respect for my relationship and I his. Boundaries are great and we've a healthy friendship. That your wife fooled around behind your back is cheating -- sorry, but it is. Physical, emotional or a combination of the two -- it's cheating.

    Your wife wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. And bottom line, she's just not being fair to you.

    I agree with Bluenote -- counseling seems like it's needed.
     
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  13. Simply Sentimental

    Simply Sentimental New Member

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    I said yes because I don't want to lose her. Yep.

    There's so many "rules" I want to make at this point because I don't want this. I just keep picturing them having sex in my head and she tells me to stop "obsessing" about it because it's not a big deal but oh my god. Granted I do realize I think a Lot but still. She talked to him this morning to tell him I know now and Whatever and he says to tell me he never wanted to hurt me (he did tell her no for a while) and that he hopes it doesn't effect our friendship. Wtf?

    When her and I are together it's like I'm all she needs but when she isn't with me..... Ugh. I can't stand thinking about what she might be doing.

    I want to be with her but I'm freaking out that this is real.
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think your reactions and feelings are pretty normal.

    I hope you get some support. I think you need more help than you can get here.
     
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  15. Simply Sentimental

    Simply Sentimental New Member

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    Oh and she has mentioned more than once that she thinks I would like it too/ she would love watching me get fucked because then I would know what she means when she talks about the sex being different. She knows I have never been with a guy and I just don't want to get pulled into this.

    I want to cry and say no not at all this isn't okay, I can't handle this. Then she tells me it's Been happening and I've not been effected in the least. Now it's out there though and I think it might change everything.
     
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  16. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Both she and the guy are trying very hard to justify behavior that they know is wrong.

    The sex probably is different. But sex is different from girl to girl, too. I'm betting that if I had sex with my super fit, super butch friend "Dani," it'd be very different than the sex I have with my very fun, sweet wife.

    But that wouldn't justify me cheating.

    Cheating, minimizing your feelings. I dunno, you guys need help.
     
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  17. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    My goodness woman listen to your instinct and get away from this. If your gut is telling you "you can't do this".... DON'T!

    Everything you've written about your situation screams, RED FLAG RUN!
     
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  18. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You're not being honest with her in telling her that this is not ok...and she's trying to justify behavior that she knows is wrong without deference to your feelings. Think about it -- would you force someone you love to do something that makes her uncomfortable? I think not.
     
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    @SimplySentimental I understand your reaction. No one outside your relationship can truly understand your history with her and the life you have build with her to date. But do listen to the affirmations of others that it is okay for you to freak out and get angry about this. You want to accept her for all she is even though she is hurting you. You were quick to want to allow it but you can back away from that and just try to think. She wants to short-circuit that whole forgiveness/acceptance process (which may not happen or if it happens may take years) and get to all the yummy stuff that she wanted in her head but never had the courage to tell you or seek your permission for. It is best that you put everything on hold and get serious marriage counseling. There are polyamorous forums you can post and talk about your feelings. But they will agree that there is nothing "open" about what she has done. Also, and I can be cynical about this, research for a good lawyer and get a free initial consultation.
     
    #19
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  20. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    They gave you great advice already so I got nothing to add except to say what your wife and so-called friend did (or still doing?) is not ok and it is a big deal, in case you need one more person to tell you that.
     
    #20
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