Lesbian for life, suddenly attracted to men

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by militarymoose, Nov 19, 2013.

  1. militarymoose

    militarymoose Active Member

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    This is a longshot, but I hope some of what I need to say makes sense and sounds sane.

    Things you should know beforehand: I was born female, have always been attracted to women--always, since I kissed a girl on the cheek in the 1st grade. I tried dating a few boys in middle school (innocent movie dates) but never had any physical interaction with them, not even hand holding.

    I dated a female for almost 7 years from ages 12 to 19. We dated at the end of middle school, for all of high school, and moved in after senior year and dated for 2 more years until I move to Wisconsin.

    I was sexually assaulted by a 24 year old male when I was 15 in a college dorm room. I've always put the blame on myself for being so naive. I took college classes in high school, and a lot of my friends were already in college. So, I trusted him, and that happened.

    I have now been dating a female for a year and we've been engaged for almost half that time. However, whenever i'm on my period or if i'm really depressed I get the urge to have physical contact with a man. I'm pretty sure I don't crave anything but the sex. Is that hormones, because I was raped, or because I might be bi?

    I'm very happy with my fiance, K. I love her to pieces. I don't want to experiment with a guy to find out, but alas, those feelings are there during that time of the month.

    Does anyone have any advice or experience on this? It's very weird to have bisexual feelings when i've been an out lesbian the majority of my life, if not all of my life. I want to have this mentally depicted and figured out before we get married this upcoming January.

    Thank you all,

    B
     
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  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    Re: Lesbian for life, suddenly attracted to m...

    it's very natural to have these urges as u enter the ovulating and bleeding phase of ur menstruation cycle.
    u crave penetration. it is hormones and also during this time biologically ur body as a mammal is "in heat". it doesnt have anything to do with rape. i highly recommend u seek some therapy for that traumatic experience know that it was NOT ur fault. Naive or not, young or old it is never ur fault. u were not asking for it!!!

    I also recommend strap ons. perhaps discuss toys with ur gf and it could be very fun to go shopping for harnesses and such...
    wanting to have a penis or wanting to be the receiver doesnt define sexual orientation nor the gender identity really.
    if u have these urges to do it with a man more often than u think then ya perhaps u are bi curious and nothing wrong with that or maybe its just a fantasy of urs that u wouldnt actually want to go for it, either way i think toys would be great. good luck!

    ps. when u say when u are depressed you want physical contact with a man... are u referring to pms or when u are triggered and relive assault?
     
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  3. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: Lesbian for life, suddenly attracted to m...

    I don't know enough about this to be able to say definitively, but maybe somebody else will...I remember reading somewhere that a traumatic sexual experience can mess with your sexual desires/urges, especially if u haven't dealt with it at all. By mess with, I mean that sometimes you can experience desire around situations similar to the ordeal as part of the minds traumatic response to the situation. I'm not sure if I'm wording it correctly, and i prob shouldn't have mentioned it as I don't know enough, but it is a thing. Maybe, if you fear/feel that what you are experiencing is connected to the rape in some way, you can look it up or speak to a specialized counselor who can help you find out more and maybe try to find a way to deal with some things.
    Good luck.

    edit: Just to add, the reason I mention it is because I remember reading that these feelings can spring up suddenly, often many years after the event, and often at a time when the victim feels in a safe place to begin to work through feelings about what happened to him/her.
     
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  4. militarymoose

    militarymoose Active Member

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    Re: Lesbian for life, suddenly attracted to m...

    Thanks for the explanation Omglol. Now that *that* week is over, i'm totally hooked to my gf again. Damn hormones...
    I can't seek therapy because i'm in the military, and everything is documented and can be used against you or get you kicked out even. But hugging my girlfriend and crying things out seems to be good therapy. :?

    What I meant is that when i'm at my lowest and really depressed or when i'm PMSing (which also seems to be a really depressing week for me), I have those urges. Never any other time.

    Moses, I think what you said about being comfortable enough to deal with the trauma is probably right too. This never happened until a few months into dating my fiance. It was the first time I had told anyone about what happened, almost 7 years later.
     
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  5. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: Lesbian for life, suddenly attracted to m...

    That's OK re therapy, It's not for everyone anyway. I think the value of telling a stranger ur shit is overestimated personally, but maybe I'm a bit ignorant. haha. Like you say, a good cry and a shoulder to cry on followed by a hug can be great therapy. :D

    It's not the easiest's of roads, having gone through what you did. It's also unfair that there might be some residue there to work through. Like, maybe you could think 'It's bad enough that it happened, why do I have to process this shit and think about it years later when I am in a happy place?'. But some things have to come out and be dealt with one way or the other sometimes, otherwise they can mess up ur inner life a bit, but remember that you have plenty of time to deal with this and loads of ways to do it, so be patient and It'll all figure itself out in the end.

    And it's cool that you have a lovely love filled life now.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Re: Lesbian for life, suddenly attracted to m...

    We are complex creatures and sometimes a simple explanation of hormones explain things and other times we are trying to get in touch of an abuse and own it for ourselves on top of the hormones. So really glad for the advice of Omglol and Moses.

    Just want to add that somewhere I read on here a similar thread long ago and one lady's explanation was that it often happened near her period and she thought that her "body wanted her to be pregnant". I just really liked the way she put it is all.
     
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