Lesbian Bed Death

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Bluenote, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,487
    This topic came up on another thread. To prevent hijack, here is a shiny, new thread.

    Lesbian Bed Death (lbd) is a persistent idea - that girls in a long term relationship eventually stop having sex. As a counterpoint, surveys and individuals say - no lesbian bed death isn't real, despite what people say.

    Have you experienced lesbian bed death? If so, what do you think caused it? Are you (and your partner) happy with the arrangement, or do you want / need more sex in your relationship. Have you ever broken up with someone (or had someone break up with you) because your sex life declined?

    Do you think that a declining sex life is a stand alone kind of thing - that a partnership can be good, but sexual desire declines. Or do you think that serious decline in sex is caused by larger issues in the relationship?

    If your sex life hasn't / didn't decline, would you say lesbian bed death is a myth? What has helped you keep your sexual relationship strong? Do you feel you and your partner have similar libidos, or do you have a mismatch about desire and frequency?
     
    #1
    rainydaze and greylin like this.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,487
    #2
    rainydaze, Spygirl and Frazier like this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    736
    Likes Received:
    1,053
    FWIW, I didn't intend to hijack the other thread with "lesbian bed death" -- I responded to a poster, who I thought was off the mark in her assessment of the problem of the other original poster. Nevertheless, "lesbian bed death"...my thoughts:

    IMO, in relationships, people get complacent and things become too easy....so much so that people take what they have for granted and forget to grow with one another. Life, thus, becomes nothing more than a routine and romance tends to fall by the wayside in lieu of work and other family obligations. I also think that many people make the mistake of getting into relationships that aren't right for them. If a relationship isn't right -- then the sexual aspect of it will suffer. I think this holds true for both heterosexual relationships and homosexual relationships. My wife and I joke that lately we must be the kiss of death for friends in relationships because, one by one, we've seen our friends' relationships self destruct -- in the past 2 years, I can count 1 divorce (as in going to court where I was a witness) and 4 breakups of couple friends whom we thought were solid. We recently went to dinner with a straight couple, and they bickered the entire night to the point where it was really uncomfortable.

    But, getting to the point of the bed death discussion....So..I think there are several factors at play to create a perfect storm as to why things slow down -- or stop -- in the bedroom.

    1. Age -- a woman's libido decreases with age. This is science. You can't have a long term relationship without aging with the relationship. As we get older sex drive decreases. This does not mean that sex drive ends. It could just mean that it doesn't happen as often. As we also get older, we can be more prone to medical issues which may also affect sex drive.

    2. Intimacy -- as stated above, if couples get complacent and stop growing together, they may grow apart and lose intimacy. It's kinda hard to want to be sexual with a person if you don't have that intimacy. To maintain intimacy, it takes work. Many couples simply don't work at it. They just stay together because all they have is time.

    3. Life gets in the way. Let's face it -- we have different life responsibilities in our 40's than we did in our 20's. Some people have kids, other people have demanding careers. These things can mentally exhaust us and take a huge toll on our sex drives, especially if our job, family, etc. are highly stressful situations.

    Sure, the wife and I don't have sex like rabbits the way we did when we first started dating -- but it's still there. I joked in the other thread that we often laugh and say that we like sleep more than we like sex now....but the point is, we recognize that the sex changes over a relationship...and recognizing that we make an effort to maintain it, because sex is important. We're older, have different responsibilities, have higher stress situations (I work a crazy schedule) than we did when we first started dating. The biggest way we overcome our issues is the fact that we communicate -- we make a real effort to keep the sex in our relationship because we both know it is important....and if it's not happening as often, we make sure we talk about why and then do something to fix it. We have "date" nights -- we try to be romantic, going out to nice dinners..or cooking in followed by a bubble bath type of stuff.

    I know I'm lucky here -- but it took me a lot of failed relationships to realize what needed to be done to make a relationship work. That being said -- a declining sex drive doesn't have to be indicative of problems in a relationship -- and could be a factor of life and age getting in the way. At the same time, a declining sex life can be indicative of bigger problems in a relationship if a couple isn't communicating. It all depends on the people involved.
     
    #3
    rainydaze and sallyseton like this.
  4. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2015
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    51
    I wasn't off the mark spygirl.It was my personal take on it.One cannot claim to be a GURU on any topic and respond however one pleases.I keep my personal opinions short and precise because I'm not a master at any.That said,I like you well researched points on LBD,including Bluenote articulate new thread on LBD!
     
    #4
    rainydaze, sallyseton and Spygirl like this.
  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    736
    Likes Received:
    1,053
    And this is why I like intelligent discussion -- we can agree to disagree and I still respect your opinion :) Some of my best friends and I can get into knock down drag out discussions and not always agree. In my profession I've gotten into some really nasty arguments with the other side, then gone out for drinks afterward. You and I disagree on our assessment of a thread, but I respect your opinion all the same. And hell, I've been wrong before, too.

    Cheers.
     
    #5
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2015
    rainydaze, sallyseton and Frazier like this.
  6. sallyseton

    sallyseton Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2013
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    18
    My feeling is that yes, it is normal for people in long-term relationships to go through periods in which their interest in sex with one another declines. But I think the phrase "lesbian bed death" reflects a sexist myth about women and lesbians as naturally asexual or hypo-sexual people. It's part of the same cultural BS that treats men as the instigators of sex and women as the reluctant gatekeepers in straight relationships. In other words, I have a hard time believing this tendency is anything unique to lesbians.

    In my only years-long relationship with a woman, we had real ebbs and flows in frequency of sex. There were several periods (months at a time) when we had sex infrequently, and then eventually it would recover again and we'd go back to having sex a few times a week.

    Sometimes it was that one of us was really busy and stressed and just not interested in sex, but everything else in our relationship was good. Sometimes it reflected distance or tension between us. And sometimes it was simply that life was too busy and we couldn't find time, even though we were connecting and intimate. These periods always ended, usually with us talking about the need to prioritize each other more, or by having it out and arguing about the major tensions, so we could get past them and get back to connecting. Early this year, we broke up. But it had nothing to do with sex. Oddly, we were both interested in sleeping with each other even after we knew we'd be separating. The physical outlasted the emotional, as it turned out.
     
    #6
  7. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2015
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    51
     
    #7
  8. ArieTomlinson

    ArieTomlinson Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2015
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    2
    I have been with my girlfriend for over four years, but sex (or lack thereof) has threatened our relationship the last couple of years. We met in graduate school and proceeded to make love often, sometimes spending entire days in bed. My sex drive is rather insatiable, but she never had a problem keeping me satisfied underneath the sheets.

    Fast forward, two years later..... I had graduated and accepted a job in Chicago, but she had two years remaining in Michigan before she could finish her PhD. Needless to say, the long distance took a toll on our sex life, and we would fight every time I mentioned my desire to improve our love life. I noticed as time passed that even when we were together, she didn't seem all that interested in making love. This made me feel resentful, as if she had somehow it was something I just had to accept if I wanted to remain in a relationship with her. Our relationship was degrading, but with her graduation approaching, we wanted to keep trying to make our life together work. The situation only became worse when she received her only job offer in another country. After years of trying to coordinate our careers, I was heartbroken.

    Her job didn't start until this October, so I got to spend this entire summer with her after she left campus. Though we had some special times together, many days were spent intermittently bickering. We were stuck in a vicious cycle. I was being extremely particular about things in the apartment and stressed overall (because of lack of sex and intimacy), and she wouldn't give me sex because I wasn't being affectionate to her.

    If you've gone this far, you're probably thinking, 'How or why are you still together ?!?!?' Since about six months after we started dating, my girlfriend has been on birth control to regulate her period, the Nuva Ring. In general, I've always hated the stupid thing as it gets uncomfortable for her when we are having sex. Since she had graduated, her medical insurance was expiring, so she had to decide whether she was going to buy her birth control out of pocket or let it lapse. In making this decision, she was reading about the medication and found out that one of the side effects was....... guess what...... DECREASED SEX DRIVE! Fucking Nuva Ring! She made the decision to discontinue using the Nuva Ring about a month before she moved and her sex drive began to return just before she had to leave the country.

    So, here we are, still together, many miles apart. Time will tell whether we can stand the test of time, but in summary, what I thought was lesbian bed death was really a biological reaction to her medication. Therefore, explore all options if you are at the end of your rope with your lover.
     
    #8
    greylin likes this.
  9. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2015
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    51
    Arie,you are spot on!Good luck with the long distance part.However,if you can survive the 'NUVA RING' then you will be together for a long time!
     
    #9
  10. Queen

    Queen Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2015
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    19
    We've been together for almost 26 years and are in our mid 50's now. I always had the stronger sex drive whereas hers was truly minimal... this was problematic in our 30's. Our sex life has always had ebbs and flows, but I will say being post menopausal it has more ebbs. We are still super affectionate and loving, but sex is less common (still a bunch of fun when it happens though!).

    Have to agree with sallyseton that it seems like lbd is a sexist stereotype. Women vary in their needs and desires, keeping open communication about those needs and desires and not buying into a stereotype is a paramount in a healthy relationship.
     
    #10
  11. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    67
    Lesbian bed death isn't just for lesbians. It affects heterosexual couples too... I mean in the UK last year or the year before, there was even an article about how 1/5th of British women would prefer to have a cup of tea compared to having sex! Around the same time period, my friend in Hong Kong told me that only something less than 50% of couples actually have sex regularly.

    I have only experienced LBD once. I think it's cos my partner and I weren't connecting and we had issues. We're not together any more, but at the time I didn't even notice that we had gone without sex for months cos not only were there issues between us but also problems in our lives. After some of that stuff was resolved, we LBD was gone!
     
    #11

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice