Left me, then gets with ex days later! I'm mad!! D:

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by kreigen, Dec 21, 2014.

  1. kreigen

    kreigen New Member

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    Hey all, could use a little friendly advice.

    So I was in a relationship with this girl for about 1 year 4 months (last August) - I was 23, she was 19. We met through a mutual friend. For a while we lived about 2-3 hours apart but saw each other about once a week, and that worked out. As per any relationship, at the start it was great.

    About May this year we almost broke up after she called me out of the blue saying she wasn't sure she felt the same anymore. However the next day she backtracked and said she had made a mistake. We carried on seeing each other and I eventually moved closer to her in June after I changed jobs, so we were only about 30mins from each other.

    However since then we were on a slow decline, with her becoming less affectionate and involved, and then defensive if I tried to challenge that or speak about that. She would claim that was just the way she is and mark my fears as unfounded. I found she would make more snide remarks and label them as "jokes" and I honestly was falling out of love with her the more this poor treatment continued. Our sex life slowly went down the pan more or less. During all this she stuck up a renewed relationship with an ex-girlfriend from several years ago who she dated briefly. This ex-girlfriend is in a two year relationship with a man now.

    I was never comfortable with this. They were always flirty towards each other and she seemed more enthusiastic about speaking to her than me. I even found out that the ex tried to kiss my then girlfriend, but only because I forced her to tell me. I was livid! But they kept on hanging out.

    Eventually last Tuesday we broke up for good. I had a day or so of being sad/angry but then came to terms with it and realised I had wanted it as well. Yesterday I got into a conversation with my ex and we discussed what has happened. She said that what we wanted from relationships was ultimately not the same and that we were incompatible. Whereas she wanted someone who didn't tell her everything and had some elements of mystery, I wanted a best friend and lover who I could tell anything. She was always a little squeamish and emotionally awkward so this doesn't surprise me.

    However, I also found out that the ex (who she claimed at the time she had no interest in) and her have since got together and they are now hoping to start a relationship. This other girl is still with this boyfriend who she finds too clingy and soppy for her.

    In a way, they deserve each other. But I can't stop feeling so humiliated and fooled. To clarify, I don't want to be with her, I don't miss her, and I'm damn well relieved I could stop trying so hard to get her to be affectionate with me (she wouldn't even hug me in public or let me lean on her shoulder...!). But I'm pissed off at her for this deception and I'm finding it hard to believe that she didn't cheat on me.

    She says it was only after we broke up and she is trying really hard to get me to be friends with her (kept contacting me even after I told her not to). I've said that we can be, but I'm not sure I can let this one go? I feel like I've lost all respect for her and I just want to cut her out of my life. Does she deserve a chance to be friends? Or am I being a sap?

    Thanks for reading friends! I look forward to your comments.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Cut her out. She cheated on you with an ex - at least emotionally, if not physically. You don't need people in your life who lie to you. Is that really a "friendship" after all? Is she gonna magically stop lying and skeezing just because she's in the friend zone? Not likely.

    It's OK to listen to your gut on things. If you feel something - like that a relationship is in decline, that your gf is getting too close to an ex, that you don't want to be friends with someone - act on it.

    Your ex-gf kept you on the back burner while she cooked up with someone else. Who has a bf. unfortunately, it happens. You don't have to settle for being back burner girl.

    You sound very sweet - wanting to share your life with a lover / best friend. I think there's someone great out there for you.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. kreigen

    kreigen New Member

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    Thank you for such a considerate reply. What you say certainly rings true with my inner feelings, and I cant help but agree that once you've seen this side of a person once, you know it will only return.

    I'm so done with her bs. Thank you again. You've made me smile :)
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    So, after a breakup years ago, someone told me a quote...from the movie "Bull Durham" actually. Susan Sarandon's character says: "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness." And I got to thinking about it. And it resonated. That I've always lived my life trying to be conscientious about how my actions affect others. Throw a stone in a pond and expect ripples, so-to-speak.

    You're feeling humiliated and fooled because you laid everything out there to make it work, and your ex discounted that, made excuses, and lied. But the thing is...your perspective can change by recognizing the type of person she is, that she would do this to you without regard for your feelings and emotions (if she wasn't happy in the relationship there was a way to break it off and still maintain respect)...she's one of the people who (going back to the quote)..."isn't cursed with self awareness." She's not deserving of any more thoughts from you.

    You can only be humiliated and feel foolish if you allow her to have that power over you. Keep your chin up and smile and find reassurance in the fact that you did right by her and by yourself. You still have your integrity. Nobody can ever take that from you. In the long run, karma will catch up with your ex. We reap what we sow. If she'd do this to you, chances are she'll do it again. Meanwhile, you'll find someone deserving of your love and respect.
     
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  5. kreigen

    kreigen New Member

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    wow I think I may have to steal that quote too! Thanks for your wise words, the more people I ask the more I realise I am getting the same advice - and I totally agree with you.

    She cheated on this girl to be with someone else back when they were together so sadly you are right, seems to be a character trait!

    thank you once more for taking time to give me advice. I'm feeling a lot clearer about I all now :) onto better things!
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So agreeing with Bluenote and Spygirl. May good things and people always find their way to you, Kreigen, you deserve them.
     
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  7. kreigen

    kreigen New Member

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    cheers :) appreciate the advice. You guys are really helping! Feeling a lot more free already :D
     
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