Kids

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Ooohwhatprettystars, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I don't see a category anywhere about starting a family and such, but I wanted to just get some advice I guess. For the last few years I've been working hard to establish a career before I have a child of my own (regardless of relationship status). I just turned 26 this year and would like to have a child before my 29th birthday. I just would like to hear from anyone who has kids or is currently trying to have a family, how the experience was/is from the planning stages to now. I've done some research on insemination and the costs, but I don't have any gay friends who have kids (Except through a previous marriage to a guy) and its a bit frustrating. I love talking to my straight friends who have kids and to my family, but I think its a different ballgame to be a lesbian trying to have a baby...
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    My wife and I are starting this process - mostly in the thinking/researching/discussing phase. I'm 28, and the tentative plan is to start trying to get pregnant at 30. If things take longer than expected, my wife is several years younger than I am.

    Our major discussion right now is how to proceed - through formal insemination/donation channels (sperm banks etc) or through our queer networks. There's something very appealing to me about having our donor be a friend who is interested in having a relationship with our child, and who may not be in a position to have children himself. We have a few friends (gay and straight) who are childless, either because they are single or because they have partners who are not interested in parenthood, and we half-joking add guys to the list all the time. (Only half joking; I honestly think that many of them would make great uncles/donors for our offbeat little family.)

    I know one couple who had a child through a known donor; it took about two years for them to get pregnant. Most other queers I know have adopted, or have children from previous relationships. The general theme is that it takes a long time to have kids, and it can be expensive.

    What info/advice are you looking for? Obviously, I'm not on the other side of this process, but I'd be happy to be a sounding board, since we're in a similar place.
     
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  3. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your reply!! I'm honestly just seeking any advice I can get from those who are in the process or have been through the process, whichever side of things. I do know that I plan to use an anonymous donor through the cryo bank. I had a friend a few years back who was going to donate for me down the road but we have since parted ways. I have a few friends who are not interested in having children at all, but I just feel like the anonymous donor route is the best way for me personally. I was intrigued by the idea of having a friend of mine donate, but honestly I just don't know how that would all work out.
    If you ended up doing that, do you think you would have them sign their parental rights over or allow the friend to keep them?

    I know that the process can be lengthy, and that's why I'd really like to get started in the next two to three years. I have looked in to the expenses for the most part, from what I can tell the sperm is what really hits the wallet the hardest. I'm looking into insurance companies that would best benefit me, especially for the pregnancy and insemination. I know it won't pay for the sperm, sadly. I've heard of some women not becoming pregnant until after multiple attempts and of course there is the possibility of complications.

    I've been planning to have a kid or kids via insemination for years. The family that I am close to support me and are welcome to help as soon as I am ready. I have planned from the beginning to have kids by 30 regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not. However, I am in a relationship and she has been supportive since the beginning. She is in her early 40s and would like children, but doesn't want to have them.

    I hope you don't think I'm crazy haha, if I had to describe my outlook on this situation, its like Jennifer Aniston in the movie The Switch ( if you have seen that movie, if not, it's really good). Obviously I know I'm 26 and most people say I shouldn't even be thinking of children, but I've wanted children for years and being able to provide them with a good life is extremely important to me. I just want to be as prepared as I can be and definitely get advice from those who are going through or have been through this process, whichever side.

    Again thank you for your advice and anything else you want to share or ask please feel free!
     
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  4. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Kudos for planning ahead... rather than hitting 30 and desperately trying to have a child. Continue doing research as well as keeping your eyes open for a sperm donor. There are many ways as you know, for a pregnancy and doing AI has its challenges.

    You may want to consider Dating for Sperm - in that you promote that you want a donor from a gay man (in good health) in his 30~45years of age. That you want to KNOW the person, his personality, his looks, etc. If that doesn't pan-out - then go with anonymous. Why? Because babies are not born with a clean-slate when it comes to personality. A guy who is a jerk, can also have jerky babies who grow into jerky kids.(I've seen this) As a parent, its still amazes me - how much my baby does some of the things I did - personality wise, for which my Mother notes and reminds her of her younger days when I was new to this world. No matter what, half of the baby's health and looks is someone else too. There are older, gay men who want to continue their blood-line - that are fatherless.

    Either case, you also need to research your state's parental rights laws. In many states, its very EASY if both parties agree to sign paperwork to terminate someone's parental rights. Its also possible you may have two kids - as multiple births is typical with AI. Perhaps you keep the first, he gets the 2nd? Of course, going Anon. means you don't have to deal with another party. Here are some sites:

    https://www.pacrepro.com - Lesbian owned Sperm bank with "Willing to be known" donors.
    http://www.coparents.com - Site with resources and searching system for donors and women. Has info for legal rights as well.

    " I was intrigued by the idea of having a friend of mine donate, but honestly I just don't know how that would all work out. If you ended up doing that, do you think you would have them sign their parental rights over or allow the friend to keep them?"
    Get a lawyer to make an agreement. That the donor doesn't have rights - and you don't have rights to request child support. The paperwork can't be final-FINAL, until a child is born to attach the birth information to the legal document.
    How it would work out? That is between you two. But for simplicity and legal protection wise, he gets his rights terminated but you allow him visits (Birth days) like an Uncle or something. I think having the "father" around as a friend capacity is usually healthier for the child (if applicable). If you have the right friend for that, I'd say go for it. He MUST agree to terminate his rights. That way the upbringing is between you and your loved-one as two parents.

    Wish you luck.
     
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  5. Pi3

    Pi3 Well-Known Member

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    I believe you have plan and mental preparation for what to come, but reality can be different thing. It is not something you can turn back, and also it is life long commitment. have you tried babysit kids before? if yes, then are you still commit to it?

    good luck :D
     
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  6. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for the insight and the websites TADinUS! I've considered "dating for sperm" in a sense, but its so hard in Alabama to even find gay people haha!

    And yes Pi3, I have both babysat for many many years and worked in preschools and an elementary school. I am fully aware of what comes along with parenting. I understand that a child is a long term commitment of course. Just trying to get insight from others who are parents or are going through the process of having a child.
     
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