Just want to come out - Muslim

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by MousetrapLover, Apr 6, 2015.

  1. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    Well I am way new at this posting and online forum experience, but I figured I'd give it a try. I have had a crazy ride discovering my sexuality and all I want to do is scream that I AM A LESBIAN AND PROUD. However, in my current situation I can't.

    P.s my story a bit of a long one.

    I'm a weird little, stay-at-home 20 year old, that was born in a Pakistani-Muslim family. Having said that my family is strictly religious and will do anything to keep their respect intact. And I do mean anything.
    Even though I was born in Pakistan I moved to the states when I was young, so my thoughts are modernized. I cant say is the same for my parents or my siblings. They still have a old fashion Pakistan state of mind. Which really really sucks.

    I really love my family but I don't trust anyone of them, not even with the slightest detail about my personal life, even if I spend ever minute with them.

    Since they are so conservative, I wasn't allowed to text or talk to anyone boy or girl, but I still did. I made all these accounts on Facebook and texting apps Which I would use to talk to everyone I knew. That ended after a couple of years when I was caught texting to my cousin...which resulted in one heck of a beat down. And yes I could have gone to the cops but I was taught that respect comes before any thing in my family so I didn't.

    I first realized that I was gay when I fell madly in love with my best friend. Sadly though since I couldn't risk coming out, I never told anyone about the way I felt, which resulted in me messing up our friendship. Something I still regret. :-(

    Now more than ever, my coming out becomes hard...I tried slightly hinting about my sexuality only to be ridicule and judged. But now since I'm from Pakistan and 20 years old, it supposedly time for me to get married. To a man!! Trust me, I really don't want too. So I was hoping for a little advice.

    I don't really trust people... And I mean like at all so no knows about my sexuality.... Plus I'm hoping you guys can keep a secret.:-#
     
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  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Wow that's a really tough one, MousetrapLover. Are you in college or can you get away to another city/state where your relatives are not? It sounds pretty rough that you had a beat down just for doing something normal like Facebook and texting. What's the worst thing/scenario that could possibly happen if you did come out? And what's the best and realistic scenario that could happen if you did?

    p.s. - we have no idea who you are and it's your first post here on AE. We're gonna tell everyone we know about you! It's called the lesbian grapevine. Gossip travels faster than the Asian grapevine. :p
     
    #2
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    op said she's in the US.
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Silly me apologies
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I got sick of being a punching bag, moved away from home for college and never looked back.

    Don't come out until you are physically safe and don't have to worry about beatings. Which may mean working your ass off to get away from your parents. And suffering and being poor for a bit while you are away.

    But having 8 housemates and sleeping on the floor under your coat is light years better than being a punching bag.

    Life isn't going to come easy, but if you work, you can get where you want. Good luck.
     
    #5
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  6. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    First of all, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Mad at you for just texting your cousin? Wow, I could not imagine that. But, you came to the right place, as this is a great forum for advice, trust, and support.

    You need to work on getting away from your family so you can be your true self. You don't trust them or love them, so they aren't going to be the most important people in your life. It will be the ones who support you and love you for who you are- which you will find plenty out there! Trust me.

    Do you have a job? Are you going to school? Would you be able to support yourself if you moved out? Start looking out for yourself and start soon so you don't get stuck in a situation--married to a man.
     
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  7. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    Thank you guys so much. Sundancer, bluenote,Nancy,and sela9. You guys have shown so much support in the last 24 Hours than 90% of my life.

    I finished high school through homeschool and my dad said if I do college than it has to be home online. So that not a big option.
    Worst possible involves weapons. Best possible being kicked out of my family never to see them again, something I don't mind.

    I have even been saving up to leave. I work for my family at our business but I don't get paid at all.

    I've been thinking for a long time that if I do get married then I my family has no more control over me any more which is great. However I can't imagine being married to someone I don't like or care for in any way.

    It's just a messed up situation.
     
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  8. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Yikes, that does sound like it is a very messed up situation. If you do get married which I assume will be an arranged marriage, you may end up in a more toxic relationship than the one you have with your family. There's no guarantee that your future husband will be more liberal and also feels trapped by his family.

    Do you have any friends outside of your extended family? Preferably a few strong, beefy guys? The only way I feel that you could possibly get away and tell them that you're gay is if they are there - and those strong male friends of yours can protect you against any violence whether it be verbal or physical.

    Either way, IMHO you probably need to get out of there as fast as possible when you're old enough and have saved up enough without telling anybody that you're leaving - including your cousins for their own safety... and make sure you only tell the friends that you really 100% trust that they won't tell anyone including their own family where you're going. Probably change names, move to another state where you have no relatives, don't get involved with the Desi community there, etc. and never look back. Another option could be a women's shelter but I don't know how protective those are in the US.

    I don't know, maybe I'm over analysing your story but they're probably the only viable option if you don't want to get married to some guy and want to escape these unhealthy relationships.
     
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  9. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    The thing is since middle school I haven't talk to anyone outsdie my family. As for my cousin, if she's grown up and away from my family.

    I personally don't care what my family thinks of me from my sexual orientation to the way I dress. The marriage thing isn't the greatest option but one thing I know is my famil. Can't/won't force me into marriage.

    I have been saving money for the last couple of years but whenever I thought about running, I thought about how it would affect everyone else. Like my family's respect will be trashed ( the main reason I didn't leave) or how my siblings would react. However since then I've learned so much that before that I just don't want anything to do with them.
     
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  10. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    That's sounds like a bad situation you're in. Get out of there. The quicker the better.

    You talked About worse case scenario of a gun and being beaten. There are women's groups, shelters, places that can help you get out and on your feet.

    It's a huge step to cut ties with your family. And I know you worry about their reputation being tarnished. But, it seems like you either live the life your family wants or yo get out and live yours. They lost the respect when they beat you
     
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  11. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    Thank you guys for all the advice. I going to try and get out as soon as possible, so will try to keep you updated.
     
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  12. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Are you in a lgbt safe state? If so call a woman's help line and they should be able to help you and possibly find you a safe house.

    Working and not being paid is illegal, regardless of if it's family, it's slavery.

    You must find a job elsewhere, get out and save yourself. Your family doesn't respect you, you have to respect yourself and find a better life without them.

    If you need help finding a woman's center to contact in your state for help, let us know.

    Good luck!
     
    #12
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  13. Hodman

    Hodman New Member

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    You are a very brave, young and beautiful girl. You are risking alot just to visit sites like afterellen.
    I'm muslim like you just from Somalia and I'm 31 years old not yet out to anyone accept my very supporting danish girlfriend. She's the only one helping and understanding. I live with my old mother and all my siblings are married with kids. I take care of my mother and actually wouldnt tell ever because she might get heartattack and I know she would as I'm very close to her and never told her if I had a crush on a girl. She would be sad more than angry with me. Thats why I wont tell her now, she can get very ill. And I dont care about my siblings... I'm the youngest and no one ever hit me. They will for sure hate me but then I would love myself more.

    My only advice to you is to become independent from your family and know for sure if your gay.. And if you can truely live without your family. Beacause then you wont ever have anything to do with them if you tell them. If its not my mother I wouldnt care.. So think and make plans secretly and dont let anyone hurt you again. Be sure where you seek help too.

    Thanks for being so young and brave
    Bless you
     
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  14. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    Just me - the state I live in is all about equality and I know about a few women's shelters..Thank you for the help. Plus looking at a couple of jobs, and as far as money goes we fight over if a lot.

    Hodman - your so brave as well. I would do the same if I was in your Shoes when it came to coming out. I see you don't Care much for your siblings, kinda like me. As for your advice I really appreciate it. I have wanted to be independent since I was 18 but not my choice plus no resources at that time. with that said I try to slowly move away from my family by just being distant even though it pisses them off.
     
    #14
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  15. moveslikejagger

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    hey not sure what your situation is now..but im Pakistani-Muslim, born and brought up in Pakistan..Did my undergrad in the states moved back home realized i was gay..had a few relationships never told my family don't intend on..and now i finally moved back to the states as it was getting suffocating. I understand where you come from but i guess i was lucky enough to move out..im 35 now managed to dodge the marriage thing, i used to put up fights...
    You have to figure out how to be financially stable even if it takes time try and do it stay home study and try to fend off marriage for a while it takes a lot of guts but am sure you can do it!
     
    #15
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  16. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Hello
    Thank you for sharing
    I know what it's like when u love your family but they are toxic / abusive
    It's been important for me to live my own journey ( not always easy) and find my own identity
    I left home at 18 and have suffered with my mental health over the yrs because of being mentally abused/ mistreated and not loved or accepted. They didn't love me because they couldn't - as we know love is accepting someone as they are ...
    I had Indian best friend when I was younger and she was disowned for a while from her family for going out with a different cultured boy -
    It is really unfair for these families to move to the west and the children socialise into the west and feel western ( because they are - dual nationality ) and then have the rule that they adhere to the old values -
    I guess to some degree it's in a lot of families - my grandmother said to me the other week ' don't leave him - in a scorning voice - you have to work at it ( this is her past unhappy marriage to my grandfather talking
    Anyway I left him this week and it is very liberating
    So , I have just come out and haven't told my family yet ( I don't have contact with mother)
    When and if the time is right I will - it's more important to me that I live my truth for me first and feel settled in myself -
    I am proud to be gay :)
    A part of me actually doesn't mind what others reactions are - it's just fear and learnt attitudes anyway -
    I'm used to my family not really accepting me and me not being that open with them anyway

    Live your truth and do things in the right way for your integrity

    Regarding your family it's tough- I grieved for my mother for a long time - but that has passed now and I feel ok -
    For many people in life we have two choices - 'live' our life or wither . It takes strength to 'live ' our life for ourselves but I believe that's gods will for us - and then we can be kind and loving and giving from that place

    All best wishes to you
     
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  17. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    Hey guys sorry I haven't been online much. But I'm glad to be back.

    Moveslikejagger thank you for your support. However , I still am in the same situation as I was a couple of months ago and now my dad has already said yes to "giving" me to his nephew. Although its not something I agree with I didn't want to fight with him. And he has the mindset that I will agree to everything he says since I usually do. Now all of a sudden he is set on marrying me around January. The reason I don't fight is because well as you had fights in your family I have witness my sister have her fights. To be honest I just want to stop the fighting. I am very glad that you can come back to the states and live a unsuffocating life.

    Emmarose it is very inspiring that you have come out and are proud to be out. I'm have come out to some personal friends but no family. Although one of my cousins knows that I'm not straight but thinks its "wrong" for me to be gay because of her faith (which I don't mind cause everyone has their opinions). Hopefully you can get back in touch wih your mother and she will accept you truly. And I know that I'm not the only person who has come to the states that was raised like everyone else in the states only to have my culture and tradition come between who I am truly. I wish that parents that come from these countries realize that tradition isn't always everything. And that love is what your children need not abuse and punishments.
     
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  18. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Mousetrap lover
    Yes when something comes between who we really are it creates a lot of emotion -
    Depression is something I have known quite well and intend on keeping myself as well as I can.
    I feel I have created my own luck :)
    I don't have many family ties and that works for me - being involved in a family that suppress is something I watch other people do and I am so glad it is not me -
    Freedom is wonderful
    No I won't be getting back in touch and be accepted - that I can't see ever happening given awful circumstances over a long time -
    My safety is to keep myself protected and safe

    Sounds like you have 'given up' of course it is your decision and maybe the time isn't right for you -
    I wish you all the best in your life
    Yes when we are not really loved in a family (because the family don't seem to have that capacity ) we do have a choice but sometimes taking the route of love for ourselves is not easy either -
    I have suffered a lot of aloneness and grief -
    But I have to say it has got better over time and I feel liberated now :)
    I can do what I want when I want with who I want - that is adult freedom -
    When/ if I choose to tell my grandmother about leaving 'him ' and / or being gay ( probably be 2 separate conversations - I shall need to let her have her opinion ( opinions aren't facts ) and live my life anyway -
    Judgements are rife in our family - my father is prejudice about so many issues ( but never seems to have a valid cause for his rejection ) and so I have to accept that there may be some disapproval and ultimately disapproval of me . .
    The main thing here is that I don't disprove myself - people pleasing is an ugly trait so self limiting and in validating of me -
    Knowing who we are and living that truth
     
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  19. MousetrapLover

    MousetrapLover Active Member

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    Emmarose
    You are correct in more ways than one. Freedom is amazing. I am very glad that you have freedom and are very safe while enjoying your freedom. I hope soon that I will have the same experience. I truly do not think this is my giving up phase. Its more of a bump in the road , if you will for me. I have overcome a lot in my young age from assault to abuse to depression and I know its not fun. Depression is very hard to overcome and to be brutally honest I still struggle with it today (even though my folks believe it is a "rich white person" problem. . I personally could not agree with the fact that opinion is not fact.
     
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  20. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Mousetrap lover
    I understand
    In your original post you say you don't want to marry this man- and ask for advice
    But then you say you are not going to fight it -
    I understand coming from paradox that's where the conflict comes
    But we can only choose one right ?
    Or then we live in conflict with ourselves and that creates depression
    You have experienced a lot in your young age but I hope I can tell you I have lived staying in it for too long and for me it only got uglier -
    How can it be any different ?
    With the marriage will you move out ? I mean that would be a change
    Yes whilst being dominated I can see what you mean 'opinion is fact'
    Abusive fact
    For me those opinions have taken me a long time to change within me despite being many years out of it

    I wish u all the best and that your life steers in the right way for you

    I am going to check out of this post now
    May your dreams be your reality
     
    #20

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