Just told my Iranian parents I'm gay.

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Omglol, Jul 20, 2013.

  1. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    I did it. After dinner while sharing a piece of chocolate cake between myself and my parents I began with... I have so much anxiety, I'm scared to tell you something... And it ended with yep you know how you just said you dream of me marrying a guy, having a bf etc... I can't I don't want a bf I want to have a girlfriend, I want to experience being in love with a woman not a man because I'm gay. I'm attracted to women.

    I have manageable general/social anxiety 2 so It took guts... I've known it myself for just about a year, it was a shock but then everything made sense. I knew I was different but I couldn't tell why. I have barely any experience, I've never been in love, I am a class A virgin but I know it. I want my first love to be with a woman, my first sexual encounter, everything. And in my head I feel pretty comfortable about it,



    My mom (has sever paranoia and anxiety issues) asked 10 k questions and I'm sure it will continue for a while. She said she always had a feeling. (I am a tomboy, so sadly they used to automatically associate that with not being an unnatural woman as they would call it)

    she said even my grandmother had told her when I was 6. She said in her religion I should do a sex change.... because i want to be a man... I remained calm... I answered all her questions.. I told them to educate themselves... Look online. They agreed.

    My father just 'got me'. After a few exchanges about my imbalance hormones... And my PCOS.. And my psych.. And maybe i can be cured., He said its just who you are or probably are. I am more concerned about your career and school than anything else. I'm sure he is processing that in his own way.

    Bottom line she didn't take it too well. She is soooo concerned about her Persian community, about what would people think, what would relatives think, and shook her head as to why all the fucked up things happen to her. She's a narcissist BUT she didn't disown me. She took it better than I imagined. I mean they almost lost me to suicide so I felt they were somewhat happy I felt happy and open, and well acting like I always do like nothing has changed. But I know I feel different.


    keeping this was becoming suffocating. I truly understand what people meant by saying they felt trapped, suffocated .. I felt that.. Every minutes.. I still do.. What's next? This is just the beginning,

    Is it weird to think of myself as brave? Courageous? What was I thinking.. I look so strong and assertive, I had to be for them. To show them I am normal, I am ok. Being gay is just another thing like my green eyes, except I feel alone.. I don't regret it but I am scared.


    I have a therapist which I'm thankful for but I don't know maybe I should have waited ... Gone to a lgbt meeting first.. I live with my mother. I am dependant on them financially at the moment. But I had to set myself free. It wasn't healthy.

    Right now I am feeling soooo overwhelmed, I haven't cried in a year and I just want to weep, I feel liberated, now I can tell my only friend, go to my first pride In a few weeks. Mixed emotions kinda thing.

    This is my 2nd post on AE before remodelling. Last time your words put a smile on my face. It helped! Many could relate to my feelings and struggles.
    Shout out to those who can remember, Ty and Ty for reading.


    Ps. I'm from Vancouver is there anyone here from bc?
     
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    Just Me likes this.
  2. Jenn

    Jenn Member

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    Well, families do seem to have a shock period for a while, even if they sortof already knew. I remember when I first started coming out, extreme ups and downs with emotions. I'm still not completely out to all of my family, trying to pick my moment with certain relatives. I hope your first pride parade went well. You sound very happy, relieved and determined to be honest and proud- it may take your family a while to come around, but from what it sounds like, i think you'll be okay.
     
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  3. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Don't worry about it. The best thing is that she didn't disown you. Just give them some time because sometimes just like any shocking news, it takes time to settle down. There's no time limit to when it will settle down but just give it time. :)
     
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  4. nursevane

    nursevane Member

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    Given your religious and/or cultural background, I'd say you are extremely brave and should be proud of yourself. I know coming out as gay to any family is difficult, but I can understand and appreciate how your situation might have been even harder. My ex is of a similar background as you, and entered into an arranged marriage, knowing she is gay, because she wasn't able to do exactly what you did. Your parents will probably need plenty of time to process things, don't shy away from any questions as I'm sure they'll have a bunch. My mom went through the whole "are you sure?" and "I don't think you know what you want" comments, whereas my dad didn't question it, and took it as who I am, somewhat like yours did. I came out recently, at 24 (I'm now 25). There was a bit of awkwardness between us to start (probably my own doing) but everything's great now. My parents & I have a much closer relationship these days.

    Congratulations on taking that huge step! :)
     
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  5. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    update! not a closet but more like a drawer..

    hi, ty so much for replying, ur kind words and suggestions. i think i needed to hear that was a brave move because of all the back n forth in my own head. haha even my therapist told me I deserve a medal for coming out so soon. but it had to be done. I've battled anxiety most of my life and it just wasn't healthy for me to continue all the rehearsing and what ifs etc. I continue to give my mother time to process it, besides the odd comments here and there and things like i cant accept u having a girlfriend one day etc.. she's doing a good job, she's not treating me differently. but I have also set boundaries so non intentional insults are not welcomed. i dont want a sex change just get that in ur head already woman!


    update: since then, I have told my friend that i'm gay. i think my sense of humour helped me through it so it didn't sound like it's the end of the world... because come on... who can say they found out they are gay playing mass effect lol!

    so parents check. my friend check. therapist yep. there are a few facebook friends which im not sure how to do that yet. i feel like its grass is always greener on the other side deal with me. I have 1 friend and a few pen pals, so I guess the stress of coming out is much less but I also need support so I am going to an lgbt center next week.

    ps. pride is tomorrow here in Vancouver, im a little nervous. my first time. so we shall see how that goes :).

    what did u guys do after you came out? just went about ur day and continued? did u look at life differently ? once ur out there is no going back kinda thing. As ridiculous as it may sound sometimes i worry what if im straight but in denial because I never grieved 'not being straight or that typical family life some yearn for. is that normal? or am I just super gay or something lol
     
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  6. Kareen

    Kareen Member

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    congratulations on taking a brave step to freeing yourself. I am glad your parents reacted relatively reasonable considering your background. you only become truly happy when you are true to yourself. happiness created on false premise, is like a castle built in sand; it can be really pretty and make you feel accomplished, but as the tide comes in, it is washed away in a short period of time.

    hope that a great weight has been lifted off your shoulder, and that you construct a path that will lead to your eventual independence and stability.

    find a community and make several friends, things will get better.

    cheers!
     
    #6
  7. cmite

    cmite Member

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    If you want something to relate to read this blog.

    http://howgayami.tumblr.com/post/75496387160/coming-out-muslim-my-experience
     
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  8. meowral

    meowral New Member

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    Hi, you have such courage to tell your parents about your sexuality, you are brave! Thanks so much for sharing. I wish I had that same courage to tell mine. I am Iranian, too. Third and youngest child. My parents aren't super strict, but they are also not very open minded. All the unwanted attention goes to me. (Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and family. I do not wish anything different) The attention I am talking about is: getting married with a man and having children.

    Truth to be told I've been lying about my sexuality for nearly 3 years. I have tried telling at least my mom about it, because my dad has never even talked about it, not in my presence at least. From what I know, she gives off the same responses as your parents do: 'whatever she is, it is something that can be cured', 'she can go to a therapist and get rid of it, it's a choice anyway' and also 'it's a phenomenon that is pressured by the media', 'she probably needs a sex change...' . This isn't even about ME, it is about a friend of mine, I had told her about. I nearly cried when she told me these things but I kept on my pokerface.

    I 'officially labeled' myself as a lesbian in april 2012, when me and my best friend started to... well, become more then best friends. It just happened. My parents, brother and sister know her indeed as my friend, but I wished they would know her as my girlfriend. I mean, I could've told them about her looooooong time ago... until I figured my mom and my sister are not very keen on her. Which makes it not the case about my sexuality only, but also my spouse of choice. I feel like time is passing by and I will regret not living my youth as I am supposed to live. There is this craving, this immense itching though in my head that want me to tell them about it, but I have literally NO IDEA how they would respond to it. (They would never kick me out of the house, but it is just their prejudice and thought of me that will change...)

    May I ask about the condition of your parents, now? How has your relationship changed with your parents, as a year has passed by? (if it has affected the relationship of course).

    I'm just feeling a little desperate for recognition from the people I love the most...
     
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  9. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    Congrats on coming out to your parent, I know its hard to come out especially to someone we care deeply about. I mean we never know how they are goin to react but I'm a little bit happy with how it turns outs both of them have their own way to process it, at least your mum didn't disown you and you still have a roof to live in. so.. good for you, mate :)

    Now she might come around but its goin to take some times and she will always constantly try to "cure" you or not but just hang in there, one bite at a time :).

    Good luck with everything else, I hope they come around sooner than you expected :)

    xx
     
    #9

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