"Just text her ONE more time.."

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Pantone185c, Nov 14, 2013.

  1. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    I've been playing the "online dating game" (oh, joy!) as of late and I met up with a really awesome person a few months back. We got along great and have a ton of things in common..BUT - she is a really crappy communicator. I've found myself making excuses for this behavior and honestly, if I wasn't interested in her, I wouldn't put up with it.

    To keep things short and to the point - she rarely texts. I am usually the one who initiates. I'll ask to see her again, she agrees and we have a great time. Then, silence. I know she's a busy lady, but honestly so am I. It takes a mere few minutes to stop what you're doing and just send a simple, "hey" text. Or is that asking for too much?
    I ask my friends for advice and they always say, "well, just text her one more time and see what happens."

    I've gotten annoyed with this routine. I've kinda told myself to just move on. She has my number. She knows how to reach me should she want to. I'm done chasing, I guess. But I really do like her and I haven't felt like this way about someone in a very long time (like, I wanna recommend her books, send her links to articles, stupid shit I know she'll get a kick out of, do stuff! haha).

    A part of me wants to hold on to the hope that this could turn into something, even if it's just friendship. Could it be just wishful thinking on my part? Am I missing something?

    Anyone reading experience anything similar, willing to share?

    p.s. the changes on this site are turrible! <spelling incorrect on purpose.
    This bright pink really hurts the ol' eyes.

    p.p.s. Thanks for reading.
     
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  2. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I've told myself this many times lol! I have a friend whom well I won't lie I do love her, but we are both in relationships and before I was in a relationship I chased her really hard.. And she wasn't so great at communicating either. We would occasionally go a week without talking, and that was a lot for me not to text her! So I completely understand. If she is a busy person, that may be just it. I know that my friend is a very busy person, and not to take offense to when she doesn't respond, I know that we will pick back up talking eventually like nothing happened.

    My advice is give it a few days then text, and if she doesn't reply do the same thing. Now if she doesn't reply for like 3 weeks, then maybe I would take a break and just not text her for a while and see what happens. But I know that sometimes not texting them, makes them wonder why you haven't. If you two hang out and have a great time, then obviously there is something there, even if it is just friendship.

    What do you talk about when you do talk? Just general chat?
     
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  3. begemot

    begemot Active Member

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    I just had to chime in, not so much with advice, but with sympathy. Honestly, is this a common pattern for online dating? Are we seeing the same girl? ;) Because I am actually in the exact same situation with a girl. We met online, had a great time with some flirting, but her ground rule was she always likes to hang out with online dates as friends first before she actually dates them. and she has given me some mega mixed messages, like flirting with me a lot, but saying that she's trying to be single right now, letting me do most of the initiating texting, but then chatting for several hours, inviting me to her house to watch movies, etc. It is driving me crazy because at this point I figure she's not really interested in more than friendship, but even for that I have to be the one to initiate. I hope it goes better for you than it has for me and that it works out. All I can say is keep yourself busy, try not to let her be on your mind too much. You deserve someone who at least pays you some attention and makes you feel special. I feel like that goes for friendship as well.
     
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  4. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your responses, guys.

    I've decided to no longer pursue this. I mentioned to her many times how much I value friendship and honesty. I understand that it takes effort and time. The former sticking out to me more than anything because she continues to lack this on her part. I believe I have been patient enough.

    @Ooohwhatprettystars - Yeah it's been going on 3 weeks since I last texted/heard from her (just to give you an idea). As for what we would talk about - it would be about anything really; it's why we get along so well.
    She was the one that contacted me on that dating website - which just further fuels this confusion, but whatever. (I overthink things).

    @begemot - Haha. That depends, has she also pretended to take the "long way home" just to spend more time with you and then ask you back to her place? :lol:

    By the way, are you dating/talking to anyone else or just hoping that she will change her mind? I'd keep my options open if I were you. At least she was straight forward with what she's looking for, even if she's confusing you with her actions. Honestly, I'm surprised I haven't gone mental yet with these ladies and their "I don't say what I mean but I will let you figure it out" nonsense. Like, if you don't want to date, WHY are you on a dating website? *pulls hair out*

    And you're so right. We all do deserve someone who will make us feel special....I know she's out there. I'm just tired of searching. :\
     
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  5. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Lol, life is confusing. end of story!

    I wish you the best of luck!! I think if its been at least 3 weeks, definitely just move on and don't expect much from her. She may text you later on down the road, but she may not. If she said she is trying to be single, I'd let her do just that. But you are right, I don't understand why she would be on a dating sight if she was trying to stay single, unless she wrote in bold print that she was looking for friends lol, if it was one of those sites. People are weird. =P
     
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  6. begemot

    begemot Active Member

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    Pantone, I'm so with you, you have no idea...This girl has totally done stuff like that with me, like I couldn't come to dinner one night because I had to babysit and she said, oh man, I hope they cancel, I would rather see you sooner rather than later, make comments about how beautiful I looked, etc, lol. we didn't get physical when I went to her house (it was a spur of the moment thing. we were having this long text and she asked if i wanted to come to her house). it seemed all awkward and cute and datey. The thing is, she started out as direct saying she liked to meet women as friends and see where things develop (again, why be on a dating site if you aren't open to dating right away) and I guess I jumped the gun when I felt chemistry and asked her on a real date after knowing her a month or so. She said no and wants to stay friends "for now", which is where the vagueness comes in...because after that, I backed the hell off, but whenever we would hang out, she would still do all of this flirty behavior. ah women can be such mysteries!

    But at any rate, part of me really wanted to wait around and see what happened, but I'm fighting that urge because I know there are women out there who know what they want and who, if they are interested, won't be all wishy-washy about it (i.e. contradict their words by their actions). So I'm mostly just trying to put myself out there right now and meet as many people as possible (I just moved to a new city) before getting too wrapped up in another girl. Definitely trying to date and meet other girls in the meantime, but trying not to focus on it. Life's a challenge sometimes, lol...
     
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  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    To those having this issue and ready to cut the cord:

    I would call these women on it. "I like you. I like spending time with you and chatting, and would love to be friends [or more!]. But sometimes the fact that you don't respond makes me feel like I'm always chasing and that you're not interested in a friendship [or more!] with me. We're too old to play games, and I'd hate to drop something that could be great over what might just be a miscommunication. What do you say?"

    The worst thing that happens is that they say, "Uhh, no, I'm actually not that interested." Or, "Oh, wow, you're needy." In which case... you weren't going to keep talking to them anyway, you haven't lost a thing, and you get to walk away knowing that you were honest and took the risk you needed to take to get an answer. And maybe they say, "Oh, god, I'm just a terrible texter! I get no service at work! Here's my gchat, that's a better way to reach me." Or, "Honestly, I'm just super shy and a little nervous. Can we get coffee and talk about this?" Or, "Oh, I thought YOU weren't interested because every time we get together you don't kiss me, and maybe the texts were just polite!" And then everyone laughs about how insecure dating makes you and you go get Chinese. You still might decide, with her answer, that it's not going to work out and that you don't want to invest more time... but you'll be doing it in response to what the situation actually is.

    The point is, you have no idea what's motivating this behavior - disinterest, flakiness, nervousness, whatever - and these advice-givers on the internet don't either. So find out! And then make the informed decision that's best for you.
     
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  8. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    @lorienczhiu - You know, I DO agree with you. I've thought so many times of sending her a sarcastic text like, "hey stranger, so I see you're too busy to text somebody, huh? I see how it is now..." Haha. However, let me give you my very pouty, crossed arms response: Why doesn't SHE reach out? Haha. No, but seriously - as I mentioned before, I have not heard from her going on 3 weeks now. This is not new behavior. I noticed it right away and made excuses because, yeah, I do like this lady and you need to be patient when starting something new. But NOW, I'm fed up with it. Communication is key and it has to go both ways in order for any sort of relationship to work. At least, that is how I feel about it. So why must it always have to be me in order to keep this going? Because that's how it's felt for some time now and it started to bug me. I learned along the way that she's flaky and has probably always been this way. So I asked myself if I wanted someone like that in my life. "No" was my conclusion. :\ And if its' worth mentioning - she knows how I feel about this. I've expressed how I felt about communication as soon as we started talking.

    @begemot - It's true that when we feel we've made a connection - we tend to make excuses/put up with stuff we'd otherwise wouldn't. Hopefully your lady friend isn't just doing it for the attention you give her, since she's probably picked up on your interest in more than friendship. Moving to a new city must be scary, but am glad to hear you're at least putting yourself out there. :)

    I think about quitting this while dating thing every day. The lesbian scene in Los Angeles kinda sucks, but gotta keep trying, I suppose. I may or may not (???) have a date with someone else already. We've exchanged numbers and she seems like a cool lady, so we'll see. Good luck to ya and all you ladies reading this going through vague communication/online dating hell! :D
     
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  9. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Devil's advocate here

    I completely understand what you're saying, but here's the thing: she might honestly, genuinely not know how to be any other way. We grow up with a lot of Damaging Relationship Cliches (TM), which we don't always examine as thoroughly or thoughtfully as we should. There are a couple I see in play here: she might be participating in "She should have to work for it," and you show evidence of "She should KNOW what I need."

    So why must it always have to be me in order to keep this going?
    It doesn't have to be. But if her previous relationships have worked out around pursuer/pursued lines, then her entire experience might say to her: I'm the prize, you're the contestant, come and get me. Obviously, this is bananas, but it's a bananas trope that most pop culture and hetero expectations reinforce pretty strongly.

    Because that's how it's felt for some time now and it started to bug me. Have you told her this, exactly this? "I am tired of pursuing you. If you're interested in me too, this needs to be more balanced." If not, how does she know that the script she is following doesn't work for you? Again, it may have worked in every other romantic situation she has ever been in - or she just may never have been told otherwise.

    I learned along the way that she's flaky and has probably always been this way But that DOESN'T mean she always will be! Being Good At Relationships is a skill, and it's one that we are not set up to succeed at most of the time. If she wants to learn another way to be, she can choose that. You don't have to make her change (you can't), but you CAN call her on the behavior, name that it's why it's not working so she's aware of the consequences, and give her the opportunity to make the choice.

    And if its' worth mentioning - she knows how I feel about this. I've expressed how I felt about communication as soon as we started talking.
    Did you say, "When I say 'communication is important,' I mean that I would like you to reach out to me as often as I do to you, and that I don't like to have to be the one always calling" ? Because short of that, "how I feel about communication" can be so general as to be meaningless. Everyone KNOWS its important in relationships, and most people think they're fine at it, and most people's partners think it's not good enough - so something about our definitions is out of whack. She knows you think it matters; does she know exactly what effective, open communication means in concrete terms?

    Again, you get to do what you want, and maybe this is all too much hassle. But rather than assuming that she's willfully ignoring you, try assuming the best: that her behavior comes from somewhere less negative but more clueless. You won't know unless you tell her how you're feeling; once she has all the information, she'll show you what her motivations/desires/capacities really are.
     
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  10. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Lorienczhiu In da haus. Rocking it. *Foot Stomp* :p
     
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  11. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    @lorienczhiu - Your comment about her being the prize, me the contestant is so spot on. Totally crossed my mind. Mostly in the beginning while we were still getting to know each other.

    As for my communication comment - I literally spelled it out for her. Letter by letter. It was a long night. Kidding aside, I told her straight up. Basically saying that I was not going to waste my time and efforts on someone who didn't show interest in getting to know me better as a person. Funnily enough, she said she understood.

    Lastly - yes I NOW feel this is too much of a hassle and have moved on. I'm not losing sleep over this decision; I mostly posted because I needed to vent somewhat. I've exhausted the subject with my friends. They are mostly straight and never give me more than the subject of this thread.

    But I wanted to say that I completely agree with everything you have said and I have thought of calling her out on her behavior many times but I'm just simply over it at this point.
     
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  12. Eva Mac

    Eva Mac Well-Known Member

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    Okay...I'm gonna chime in here with a radically different viewpoint. Unless I'm missing something, at no point did the OP say they were properly dating or romantically involved. So....if it's at tentative friendship, just getting to know each other phase I reckon this lady doesn't owe you anything. She not obliged to text you, she's not obliged to get to know you better, she's not obliged to like you. I'm sorry, but to me it sounds like a case of you like her more than she likes you. I'm sorry to be harsh about it, but even if you met on a dating site, it doesn't mean she has to want to date you.

    She may like you as a person, think you're fun to chat with, but has other things in her life that she's more concerned with. That's hard to accept if you really like someone, but she's probably just being herself and getting on with her life. To me reading between the lines, she's not interested romantically, and you should accept that graciously, instead of having expectations of her behaviour based on your attraction to her. Or do you expect everyone to conduct such an intense relationship with you?

    I just don't think anyone has looked at it from the other woman's point of view. She's just living her life unaware you're feeling so intense about her I'd say.
     
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  13. begemot

    begemot Active Member

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    Eva, what you say is definitely true but I don't think the thing that is irking OP is that the girl has feelings but is too busy or that she is naive to assume the girl cares about her at all. I think the OP stated pretty clearly that she is aware that whatever the woman's feelings were, they probably weren't that strong otherwise, she would have texted back. And if there was attraction then the girl is a bad communicator. To me, if the girl wasn't interested, simply saying so in a nice way would be the proper and polite way to go. It generally irks me that in our society, people have stopped taking the general courtesy of getting back to people or being direct with one another. In a way, I think electronics and the texting trend have a lot to do with it. It is a lot easier to just make something go away into the ether than to tell someone face-to-face, "you are nice, but I'm only interested in you as a friend right now". I can't express how many times I have heard other girls say "oh if I just ignore this person, they will go away and stop pursuing me." Instead of stating their needs, lots of girls make up believable excuses to avoid hurting people's feelings or just straight up ignore the other person. Being clear and direct is a kind and mature approach to dating. *end rant* lol...
     
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  14. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Op, In my reply here, I'm talking about my own experience of being in this situation. I'm not implying that you act the way described below...I'm moving onto more general terms based on what I've experienced.

    It is one of the most awkward conversations on earth to have. Telling someone you don't know that well or who you have no feelings for that you are not interested, especially if they have been a pest with constant messaging etc. When I am in that situation, I just want that person to go away. If it is someone I really care about as a friend etc it is different, and I would probably man up and have that convo.

    Oftentimes, people that get crushes are on the periphery of ur world, not close friends. Unfortunately, having to tell someone directly to their face that you are not interested if often very badly received and accompanied by a significant backlash. It is even more awkward if noting overt has been said, thus leaving the door open for the recipient of the bad news to deny, get angry etc.

    It's not entirely fair that the object of affection should have to deal with or put up with this. Surely, if both parties were equally polite, the more ardent suitor should be socially aware enough to not ring/text/message constantly if they are not receiving equal feedback. It boggles my mind how far people with a crush will go with one sided contact. Surely self-monitoring should come into play? Why would you continue to make such a pest of yourself? OP, don't panic, I"m not talking about you here...I'm speaking generally about girls who don't take a hint or self-monitor and then feel justified to be demanding/sulk/get angry with the recipient. I think it is appalling behavior and I would be slow to actually get involved enough with someone like that to tell them I am not interested. If they are not self-aware enough to figure it out for themselves based on my responses, then I doubt they would be self aware enough to take rejection gracefully.

    Sorry for the rant and I know this is not a popular opinion on AE, but honestly. It drives me berserk, so I couldn't help myself.
     
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  15. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for the rant and I know this is not a popular opinion on AE, but honestly. It drives me berserk, so I couldn't help myself.

    No, Moses, I'm with you. Interested in someone? Make sure they know with no hedging or games. If they are ready/able/interested in reciprocating, they will. If they don't, respect their choice and their agency and lick your wounds. Sometimes the things that get posted here (and again, OP, this is NOT a response to your behavior as you've described it) verge on crazy, stalkerish, or just downright disrespectful. Love is worth gambling on, but gamblers don't always win... and no one likes a sore loser.

    OP, it sounds like you've done your level best to address the source of the miscommunication with this woman. I think you're totally right to move on, and you've probably learned something about what you're willing to tolerate in terms of balance and communication. Which will be useful in future dating endeavors, even if it didn't pan out here. Good luck!
     
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  16. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    @ Eva Mac- Ah, the ol' "she's just not that into you" explanation. Trust me, this crossed my mind .

    We dated for about 4 months. She pulled this kinda crap in the beginning (hence why I said earlier that I excused this behavior). The first time she pulled this (meaning, at that time, I hadn't heard from her going on 2 weeks) I assumed just that. As begemot pointed out, A LOT of women do this. They'll just ignore you and hope you get the message. So I "got the message", I expected to never hear from her again. Then, she texted me. Apologized and asked to see me again. And you're right, she doesn't owe me anything. I guess I kind of expected that even if it didn't develop further into a real relationship, at least staying friends would have been nice. But again, I asked myself if I wanted someone who behaves like this in my life (as friends) I decided that no, I don't and have moved on. As lorienczhiu pointed out, I've learned something from this. I lesson I didn't want learn but, oh well.

    Thanks all for your responses. It's been good to vent. :)
     
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  17. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I do wish you wouldn't refer to her desire for less frequent contact than you need as 'pulling crap'. Equally, from her perspective, your desire for more contact could be viewed as crap. What is crap is that you don't understand each other's needs, or at least you don't understand hers. The behavior itself isn't crap. Because you want more time than she has/is willing to devote to you. That is crap for both of you, or else, if viewed differently...your differencing needs could be understood and respected without a value judgement.

    She could have a really full busy life, with lots of friends, activities, and work. She may socialize with someone every day, but by the time she has gotten around to everyone, the frequency of contact with each person may be every few weeks. Granted, she may have people she speaks to every day, like family/colleagues/best friend etc, but everyone else is rotated so that she has time to live her life, do her work/hobbies too. You are just not someone she needs/wants to/has occasion to speak to every day. Thus, that is crap for you as you want more. It doesn't mean she is 'pulling crap'. This is about you and what you want/need. Not about her. Your needs are different, that is all. She isn't doing anything wrong. Maybe if you saw it differently, and needed less for now, you would become one of those people she spoke to more frequently.

    Either way, I think you made the right decision about moving on, I just wish you would be a little less angry about someone else's right to their time/space. I realize as I write this, that this is what I would like to say to people who demand more from me, so this reply is less about you than how I feel about people with similar attitudes to you in my life. So sorry if I'm being a bit hard on you. You too, are entitled to think what you want to about the behavior of others.
     
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  18. Eva Mac

    Eva Mac Well-Known Member

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    Exactly Moses and lorienczhiu! Begemot, I do respect what you're saying, but I really don't agree that the emphasis should be on the object of the OPs desire to state her lack of interest. To me, the OP should take the bull by the horns and say something along the lines of "Look I really like you, is this going anywhere?" instead of being passive aggressive because the woman isn't responding the way she wants.

    Pantone185c, I'm not picking on you, it's just that for anyone who's ever been in that situation where somebody likes you more than you like them, it's very uncomfortable. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings by spelling it out so bluntly, and as Moses says it isn't often taken very graciously. You end up sounding like an egotistical p***k and the other person gets all aggressive and denies it. That's how it usually goes down, so I think you're right to move on, but I also agree with Moses that putting the woman into a file named "bitch" because she didn't reciprocate your feelings about her is massively unfair. I wish you luck and I hope you find a more compatible match next time.
     
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  19. begemot

    begemot Active Member

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    Eva Mac, I definitely agree that someone with a crush should also be direct and ask if they are wondering. I'm just saying that I have seen both in my own dating history and others that vagueness and avoidance tends to be bad for both parties. When I like a girl and am not sure where things are going, I often have a three strikes rule. If she cancels, ignores or makes an excuse once, it could be true. Twice, probably not interested, but we can check one more time. Three times, ok, I will move on. That said, as a human I think it is nice to be open. you do have to take the bull by the horns and ask sometimes if something is going anywhere (again, for me, directness is my friend!). But in that case, I really think if the girl isn't interested, the nice response would be honesty. I can actually think of several examples from both me and my friends' dating lives where the person responded with some sort of open-ended answer or gave mixed signals (which to me is also a cue to move on, but anyway...) I think we are scared to reject girls directly because we don't want to hurt their feelings, but we really underestimate resilience. Yeah, it may hurt the girl's feelings briefly, but I think most people bounce back pretty quick and when you get rejected, it is almost easier to move on. I'm just saying there is a bit of ego on both ends for some people. Just as it takes some bravery to ask a girl out and pursue her a bit, it takes bravery to turn another girl down. But in the end, it seems like both steps are really mature and positive ways to handle a situation (over playing games and relying on subtle signals to get messages across). So basically I think we agree in general. I'm just interested in philosophizing. As I move to a city with a bigger gay population, I've been talking about this subject with a lot of women and it is interesting to hear the different trains of thought on both ends.

    @Panetone, sorry to hijack the original post with my philosophies. I'm glad you have figured out what works best for your needs and I bet you will find another girl who really values openness and communication!
     
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  20. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Some good points well made there begemot
     
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