Just sharing

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Ms Day, Mar 6, 2014.

  1. Ms Day

    Ms Day Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2014
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    I guess I am writing here because I need to share it with someone else. I know I will probably get some disapproving comments, which I would myself have made if I had read the same story from someone else. Actually, it doesn't even have to be someone else's story; as my own story I disapprove of myself.
    So, if you are going to hang in there, here is some background information: I am a married woman (to another woman) and have been so for 10 years. Never even thought of cheating and have been very happy and accomplished all these years. Our friends and family all think we are perfect for each other and kind of feel inspired by our happiness and how honest and stable our relationship had always been.
    Very well, then, so I am not a horrible person, or never thought of myself as such. I am a teacher - of adults, vocational course. And there it is where it all begins. In classroom.
    I was preparing to start yet another lesson, when a new student knocks on my door and comes in with a schedule containing her information, such as name and student number, on her hand and a smile on her face. As I look at her, into her eyes, I have this feeling of familiarity, as if I had heard something click. But I immediately dismiss this thought, I have a very strict personal policy regarding students; I do not get too personal with them, period. At last, work is work.
    She looks absolutely right by all my standards - which means she is not too girly, she has short hair, interesting clothes, wears sneakers, well... just interesting. And she has this wide smile that is both honest and inviting. And she always looks into my eyes. BUT she is a student. So I don't think much of anything, keep my teachings day after day.
    As time goes by and she feels more comfortable with the group, with the class and with me, she starts to make fun remarks, full of irony and sarcasm - just the way I like it - and she gets absolutely all of my jokes. I believe about 50% of the "fun comments" I make just fly over my students' heads... and I am ok with that... lol But not with her. She was always responding to my questions, comments, and paying attention to what I say. And whenever I would look at her, she would look right into my eyes, and smile. At any time.
    Soon she started to spend lunchtime in conversations with me - and other students - about the class, or the city or movies, books, anything. One day she said she had sent me a message on facebook, and I was surprised, first because I didn't know she had looked me up, and second because I hadn't received anything. Not long after that, she requested friendship on facebook and also on whatsapp. I accepted her, like I do many students, nothing personal, basically professional networking.
    And this is when things really became a bit more intense. I was insanely attracted to her, but dismissing it all as madness for many reasons: first that I was married, second that she was a student, third that I was sure she was straight (I know, no straight woman "chases" another woman like that, right?). Finally her last day in my class came, but she couldn't make it because she was travelling to NYC for the weekend. I was relieved she was going to be away from my sight, I thought that feeling would wither away and all would be back to normal. Oh boy, and how far off was I!!
    She started texting me - from NYC - beyond long distance, it is a different country entirely! And she would send me photos of herself in a museum, of things she found interesting and so on. I was intrigued, but enjoyed the attention. Meanwhile my wife was working a lot and we barely saw each other. And as much as it may sound as an excuse, well, it indeed was an excuse. Only I wasn't willing to see it. She was very well aware that I was married and to a woman. None of it was secret.
    When she came back from NYC she went to school and came straight to my classroom to see me. Even though she wasn't my student anymore. And would come to see me every break, every day, before, after, during classes. She would text me during classes - to which I did not reply, as I was working, walk me to the subway and invite me out for coffee.
    Texting escalated to phone calls. Coffee happened, but with another student along. She, then, asked me out again, for another coffee. And another coffee. We did nothing but talk - and flirt. But she would, even though she had told me she had had something with another woman once before, insist that she was straight and that women were not for her. She would talk about a fellow student (male) that she fancied and I listened. Funny thing is I never called her. She took first steps all the time.
    She seemed to understand me to a level not even my wife would or could. Nobody had ever read me the way she did and it was intoxicating, enchanting, curious and very attractive. She was seducing me, flattering me, unveiling my every dark corner. I was flirting back. Not saying anything sexual, but body language, looks, smiles, it all is a form of flirting, right?
    We finally became vocal about our desires and decided it was not a good idea to keep that tone. So we stepped back a little, but kept in touch. Until time came for her to return to her country. And I was both happy and sad. My torment was about to leave, my temptress... I was finally going to be able to go back to my wholesome me, to be completely faithful to my wife (thoughts are as harmful as actions).
    She held a farewell luncheon at her friend's house, invited some people over, we were all having a good time. Tension was building up between us. Alcohol made us a little less intelligent. People left. I stayed behind. Alcohol wore off. We were sober, not intelligent. We kissed. It was great. I went home. Did not feel guilty. We met two other times before she finally flew home and we did get more intimate - not so much as to have sex, though.
    It was not my plan to leave my wife, especially not over a girl who doesn't even acknowledge being at least bi, who lives in another country and is 8 years younger than me. We are at different stages in life. But the point is, I wasn't going to leave my wife, but I also felt I couldn't be with her just for the sake of being. So I decided I really love my wife and want to be with her and have even cut off contact with my former student.
    But I still think of her. And I know she is still thinking of me. I don't know what it means. I don't really know how I feel about her and what it meant - other than morals are a lot more flexible when under our own viewpoint. I don't know if I am here seeking advice, I don't even know what kind of advice could be given in a situation such as mine. However, I needed to share it all. The craziest thing that has ever happened to me. Perhaps a lot of people's fantasy, having a younger, attractive woman - also a student - pursue me, feel completely disconcerted by the first impression and share unbelievable chemistry that went beyond physical stuff.
    Was it love? Was it just physical attraction? (Well, I happen to find my wife more beautiful than her, by the way.) Was it curiosity? Was it midlife crisis at 35? Was I so vile? And how on earth could I cheat? I regret it. Sure. But the situation was so enticing I could not stop myself, even knowing it was completely against everything I believe.
    Now what is done is done. And she is gone. And life is slowly going back to track. And I have no intention of letting anything similar happen again. But I do still think of her. Every day. Though I am sure I love my wife. Deeply.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Thanks for sharing. You could not hold up to the temptation of a student who could really get you. That can happen to teachers from time to time and I think it can easily happen again if you keep up that level of contacts with students. This could be your one time thing and unless you are exposing your wife to std's I would not tell. You will have people who tell you to be honest with your wife but I think it would cause more pain. You are only 35, practically a baby to me, so please make sure next time you see temptation coming, run. It is up to you to draw the line, please use your experience as your armor and not let it be a slippery slope.

    BTW, I have liked a teacher once, not sexually, but I was so fond of her that I made sure I paid more attention to her than anything and noticed everything about her. I could sit with her all day and talk and she liked all the stuff I wrote. It was not that kind of love. If she had given me certain kinds of body language and looks then I don't know if I would have interacted with her differently.
     
    #2
  3. Cricket

    Cricket Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2013
    Messages:
    154
    Likes Received:
    11
    Thank you for sharing. It is nice to have an adult share an adult story for a change. You will find no judgement here. I have not been able to settle down, even after being with two long term relationships with women who wanted to marry me. I always wanted to find that person that I "click" with. When I found her, she was only two weeks from being married. It's amazing how your morals suddenly seem to disappear when you find someone who affects you so deeply. I wouldn't have cared if I were the one to have ruined their marriage if it meant we could be together. l have never been that person.
     
    #3
  4. Ms Day

    Ms Day Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2014
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for your comments! And for being sympathetic. Of course I know you are not condoning my endeavours.
    Greylin, you've got the point; as long as I use this experience as an armour, I am safe (relatively), but my fear was/is that I might have opened some sort of "pandora's box". During the whole experience, what scared me the most was that I could actually feel something so powerful for someone else (long before I acted on it). It was the only time after I met my wife. And I feared it could have been the first. Anyways, too much pain. I will most definitely run if faced with anything of the sort in the future!
    Cricket, I have to say, I get you. I was so into the whole thing that, if she lived here, I could have left everything in order to pursue something with her. Fortunately, she doesn't live here. Phew! And, yes, when something clicks, it is very hard to ignore. And things don't click too often.
     
    #4

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice