Just don't understand....

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Brittany Gay, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    I have been out since I was 14 years old, but that is not the issue.

    Ever since I have been old enough to attend lesbian bars, and even before the age of 21 I have frequented gay girl events and such. I am 29, well will be on Friday, but I have become aware of something called "shade" ever since going to lezzie bars, parties, etc. For one thing I am cute or attractive as I have been told many times. When I do go out to lesbian functions I get awful treatment. It's like the moment I walk in I get this negative vibe from those that are supposed to be my peers!

    To describe me, I am a preppy soft stud; my attire consisting mainly of Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc. I have smooth even brown skin and wear no make up; considering myself and being labeled as a "soft stud". I am not cocky by any means, but whenever I enter a place with gay girls I get looked at or treated negatively. I do not bring on the "shade" by any means. I just walk in, dance to the music. I am not that kind of dancer where I am all over the place, knocking folks over. I can just keep with the beat LOL.

    Anyways, I get along best with the gay boys/men because other gay girls are so mean! I have experienced occasions where a group of girls purposely bump into me so that I spill the drink that had been bought for me by a gay fellow, been stared and pointed at by other gay chicks if I am dancing and just simply standing there talking to my friends (most gay guys).

    I just need to know why is this so. My buddy, the only other lesbian friend I have (whom dresses as I do- preppy and clean cut), experiences the same kind of treatment. Is it that we are coming off as jerks? I don't see why because we are two of the nicest people one can meet. I just hate that we can't go to a lesbian function or bar/club without that blatant ridicule.

    Someone please tell me what that is all about. I or rather my friend and I can't seem to get on with other gay girls I may seem as though I have this all in my head, but there is one thing where you think such is happening, but when you have witnesses to the fact it is clearly an issue. She and I seem to be the only ones dancing at lesbian functions and such, and we dance quite well as expressed by many gay guys. This may sound petty, but I just need to know at least some kind of explanation regarding my concern. My buddy and I have tried to verbally break down this matter, but to no real avail. Then there is the knit-picking during a conversation!

    Again, sorry if this is coming off as petty, but I just need to know what's up!

    THOUGHTS, PLEASE!............
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    By shade, do you meaning displaying of attitude? I think anytime you have a group of people together there is a chance they get cliquish and nothing you do would be good unless you get an in. Like someone vouches for you from the group. Now I am just really guessing on all of this but if I am right the clique is bound by a at most 2 to 3 women who set the tone for the whole thing. For me I would find it difficult to bother with people like that even if they would allow me in. I am sorry they are like that and it doesn't sound like it is anything to do with you at all. Just be glad you are not involved with such negativity.
     
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like a bunch of immaturity to me... Maybe it's just the part of town or club you're going to?
     
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  4. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    Forums > Advice (Dear AE...) >
    Just don't understand....

    Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Brittany Gay, Yesterday at 10:55 PM.
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      Brittany Gay New Member

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      I have been out since I was 14 years old, but that is not the issue.

      Ever since I have been old enough to attend lesbian bars, and even before the age of 21 I have frequented gay girl events and such. I am 29, well will be on Friday, but I have become aware of something called "shade" ever since going to lezzie bars, parties, etc. For one thing I am cute or attractive as I have been told many times. When I do go out to lesbian functions I get awful treatment. It's like the moment I walk in I get this negative vibe from those that are supposed to be my peers!

      To describe me, I am a preppy soft stud; my attire consisting mainly of Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc. I have smooth even brown skin and wear no make up; considering myself and being labeled as a "soft stud". I am not cocky by any means, but whenever I enter a place with gay girls I get looked at or treated negatively. I do not bring on the "shade" by any means. I just walk in, dance to the music. I am not that kind of dancer where I am all over the place, knocking folks over. I can just keep with the beat LOL.

      Anyways, I get along best with the gay boys/men because other gay girls are so mean! I have experienced occasions where a group of girls purposely bump into me so that I spill the drink that had been bought for me by a gay fellow, been stared and pointed at by other gay chicks if I am dancing and just simply standing there talking to my friends (most gay guys).

      I just need to know why is this so. My buddy, the only other lesbian friend I have (whom dresses as I do- preppy and clean cut), experiences the same kind of treatment. Is it that we are coming off as jerks? I don't see why because we are two of the nicest people one can meet. I just hate that we can't go to a lesbian function or bar/club without that blatant ridicule.

      Someone please tell me what that is all about. I or rather my friend and I can't seem to get on with other gay girls I may seem as though I have this all in my head, but there is one thing where you think such is happening, but when you have witnesses to the fact it is clearly an issue. She and I seem to be the only ones dancing at lesbian functions and such, and we dance quite well as expressed by many gay guys. This may sound petty, but I just need to know at least some kind of explanation regarding my concern. My buddy and I have tried to verbally break down this matter, but to no real avail. Then there is the knit-picking during a conversation!

      Again, sorry if this is coming off as petty, but I just need to know what's up!

      THOUGHTS, PLEASE!............
    #1
    Brittany Gay, Yesterday at 10:55 PM
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      • Yes, "Shade" as in throwing or casting negativity my way. I agree it has to do with a certain clique(s) and i have experienced it everywhere. I live in Chicago, so I have gathered such here, during a short visit to New York and even L.A. Immature for sure! *LOL*There was even a time I was at a coffee house with a gay male buddy and straight female friend and the moment we walked in this girl ran up to us saying how lovely we were. Then when we sat down at a table, behind us was this lesbian clique and whenever the girl came over to us, the girls would pull her away as though to claim her. Urgh! Just so irritating. My only other lez buddy of mine are kind of like "lone wolves" so to speak, and don't belong to any clique and it is quite apparent to those that are in one. I don't much care to be a part of such cliques or "packs" as they are called here in the Chi, and that's fine. Not my fault my good looks, and by saying that I am not trying to be conceded, but I clean up well for a butch/stud/tomboy and I notice the "packs" that do throw me that Shade are of the rugged sort. I guess they think I am trying to show them up which is so not the case.












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  5. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    Yes, "Shade" as in throwing or casting negativity my way. I agree it has to do with a certain clique(s) and i have experienced it everywhere. I live in Chicago, so I have gathered such here, during a short visit to New York and even L.A. Immature for sure! *LOL*There was even a time I was at a coffee house with a gay male buddy and straight female friend and the moment we walked in this girl ran up to us saying how lovely we were. Then when we sat down at a table, behind us was this lesbian clique and whenever the girl came over to us, the girls would pull her away as though to claim her. Urgh! Just so irritating. My only other lez buddy of mine are kind of like "lone wolves" so to speak, and don't belong to any clique and it is quite apparent to those that are in one. I don't much care to be a part of such cliques or "packs" as they are called here in the Chi, and that's fine. Not my fault my good looks, and by saying that I am not trying to be conceded, but I clean up well for a butch/stud/tomboy and I notice the "packs" that do throw me that Shade are of the rugged sort. I guess they think I am trying to show them up which is so not the case.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like the lesbian/adult version of "Mean Girls."

    From my experience, cliques have always been a part of the lesbian club scene (words of advice: never play softball for a lesbian bar). I guess that's why I fell out of the gay club scene at around 30 -- it's like..there was nothing to offer because it was high school all over again, although the people were chronologically older, their mentalities were very much immature. Not to mention the rampant gossip about who was sleeping with whom....And think about it for a moment...when you think about the very notion of a clique..you'll see that they share a common/group mentality. People act the same, dress the same, talk the same, and evidently share the same brain, which means sharing the same prejudices. I saw that and realized that I didn't want to be a part of it...I had nothing in common with most of them.

    Change your perspective..think of the cliques as a group of those with the "lowest common denominator." Nothing you do or don't do will really make them come around. Maybe they are jealous -- cliques don't like people different from them. Maybe they are bullies.

    The best way to deal with this is to kill 'em with kindness. That's not to say approach them...but keep doing what you're doing. Smile. Be confident in who you are and show that you're not affected in any way by their actions (like in the coffee shop). They'll stop their behavior when they see it gets them nowhere...and if they don't stop their behavior, then be content in knowing that they're actually spending their precious time thinking about what you're doing when you choose not to give them the time of day.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 2, 2015
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  7. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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  8. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    Thanks for that advice! Actually I do play the "kill 'em with kindness" card in those situations. Yes, I just smile and keep dancing (which they like to say I dance like a gay man, but I dance well and they do not dance at all LOL). I sort of love how mad they get when they see I don't give a damn. So yeah, I allow them their snide remarks and leering gazes at me. I always just continue doing what I had come to the club/bar/event: dance, socialize with those I know or those open to kindness. I just can't believe the blatant negativity! Once while out with a girlfriend at the time, I was kind of shimming in my seat to the music, and I noticed some girl had come to stand near our table; looking in the direction of her friends, clearly pointing me out. But I wasn't bothered, just like in the same bar and different night my buddy and I are dancing near the bar and one of the bartenders was totally digging me and her friend had gotten up to go to the bathroom; leaving her drink there. When she got back right a away she assumed my friend and I of taking her drink but her friend(bartender) had moved it to keep it safe. Goes to show how girls like her knit-pick and want trouble or whatever. Nonetheless I keep on having fun or as of late I just don't go out anymore. But when I do step out its always the same.

    The point of my post is to call out those with that clique-mentality. Hating, knit-picking and bullying gets ya no where. Like, why hate on the cute girl that walks in? Flirt with her instead or just make friends.
     
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  9. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    Oh and I can't believe I left this one part out about that bar where I was getting the most Shade, Bridget McManus was there one night and I saw all these girls following her around of course. She was in town to perform stand-up. I started not to bother her but a friend coaxed me to go get her autograph. Bridget was sooo f-ing cool and signed her flyer for me, hugged me, joked around about my last name ironically being Gay and those little jerks that were following her around were sooo jealous! I love it!!! LOL
     
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  10. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    I must admit, I hang around more guys in general because they tend not to form these cliques. Also, clubs always remind me of high school in general, and I noticed the decline of normal people my age in a club at 25... At 26 I started to notice most the people who hang out in the clubs consistently, were the really idiotic duche kids you never liked anyways lol...
     
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  11. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    LOL Yes, I feel ya on the hanging with mostly guys, whom are also gay. Yeah the club scene I ave grown out of a long time ago, though I am only 29. And yes, it is sooo high school and the people that frequent those places do tend to be immature and those are the ones who I can't stand! LOL, Like I hang in a little, well not so little, group but we're very open and normally one of us will introduce someone new. Why can't all "cliques" or groups of friends be like that? Some of these Cliques or Packs act as though they are some elite gang or some crap like that.
     
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  12. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Ha! Keep doing what you're doing my friend. I love your attitude...the world needs more people like you.
     
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  13. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    Aww thanks for that, Spygirl! It's a some not all of us think alike. Oh well, I just view those "cliques" as a means of entertainment, because of how ridiculous they are LOL
     
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  14. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like you'd do grate in Canada lol
     
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  15. Brittany Gay

    Brittany Gay Member

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    Actually, I have always wanted to live in Canada for at least a year or three LOL. What is the lesbian scene like up there? Nicer, I hope.
     
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  16. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I'm guessing it's because of your good looks. It intimidates the other women. I see the same thing happen to beautiful straight women. I have always associated with all women regardless of looks. However, I've had women tell me they wouldn't talk to a pretty woman because they would get all the attention. Some women have gone as far as saying they hate beautiful women they don't even know. They don't want to compete with men. Your problem is that the average looking women don't want to compete for attention with you. They're boring. You might need to find another place to hang out.

    And remember, you can always make the first move and start talking to another woman. But, try one at a time. Don't approach a group. Try finding someone on the dance floor or near the bar and strike up a conversation with her. Her friends might still pull her away but she'll remember that you were nice and will probably seek you out in the future.
     
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  17. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    It's nicer, but there's cliques wherever you go.
     
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