Its complicated and she needs space.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by LadyChernabog, Mar 16, 2017.

  1. LadyChernabog

    LadyChernabog New Member

    Mar 16, 2017
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    First and foremost. Im going to say this. I got my wisdom teeth pulled this morning. I was kinda a little drugged all day until about an hour ago when i got to feel all the emotional stress from this week ten fold come crashing down on me. I wont take my hydros for the rest of the night. mainly cause im not in any real pain yet so im am somewhat a fully functioning human being.

    Now to the real story.

    we are in a new relationship. 7 months. But like i stated its complicated.

    She is 23, soon to be divorced mother of two. She is also my co worker. Her marriage was a shitty one to say the least. He could care less of her existence until he wanted sex or money. they got married when she was 19/20 because she was pregnant. I stole her from her soon to be ex husband. Kinda. She perused me. She wouldnt let me run away from her. She was just drawn to me for some reason.

    I am 28/29ish? maybe. Im a little fuzzy on that i kinda stopped counting around 24. pretty sure i turn 30 this year so we will go with 29. When we met i was in a relationship for 8 years. My ex beat me. mentally abused me. I felt like i was worth nothing. then she joined the guard and for the first time i was free. I felt free. When i met (we will call her 23) we were at work. we worked together for three months until one day we sat down on break and started chatting. I dont talk to people very often. the moment we started talking i knew she was going to get me into trouble. So i avoided her at all cost! ran away at every turn! walked away from her mid sentence, i was a horrid person. Then i needed a ride home. She told me she was attracted to me. My ex was away at boot camp. I didnt care what i did but i did have rules. No kissing no naked snu one else in my bed. The night she took me home we broke all the rules. and i had no regrets. She left her husband that same week and came to live with me. we meshed so well. Its an odd feeling what we have for each other.

    fast forward to this week.

    we are talking. She is scared of moving on with me. She is weeks away from her divorce. She is confused and after being on antidepressants for three years and now coming off them while with me. She is feeling everything. we talked more when i got out of surgery and was coherent enough to understand but still to sore to talk and to drugged to feel.

    She wants a break. To learn about herself and her kids. she wants a break to learn to love herself like i love her. She cant see her life without me. we feel we are soul mates but she is afraid to get into another serious relationship and her divorce isnt even final. she needs space to cope with her divorce because when she was on the medication she didnt feel it. She is leaving for two weeks for job training She wants to take that time and maybe more to feel human again. without anyone.

    my questions are
    Do i wait? Do i keep holding faith that she might come back to me? How long do i wait for? What do i do?

    im crushed. i broke down once the pain meds wore off and i felt myself in my body again. She knows she wants to be with me. marry me even, but she needs time to cope. to grow and learn about herself. I have to let her go. I dont want to. I just have to.

    and im terrified she wont come back.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Hi, I am sorry how your relationship has come and gone. I hate the word rebound because it is often used as an umbrella reason when these things happen. It makes people wary of people just coming out of a relationship. The thing is it all depends on the person and situation what the recovery period should be.

    In your situation, however, I think it is healthy for her to take a break. Both of you had a lot going on before you got together. It is easy for people to leave relationships like that and grab onto the next person like a life preserver. She has 2 kids and I can't even imagine how you guys would have any time to process this whole thing. It is not just her recovery period, it is yours too. It is good to find the space you need to pull yourself together and make yourself whole. Why, 30 is just a baby, hon. You need to remember how young you really are and celebrate each year like it is precious. And it will be precious when you are on your own 2 feet with that sprig of joyfulness that will grow inside of you. I know this is not working yet with you and this lady, but you are over the worst now. After you stop looking like a chipmunk from this wisdom teeth thing, go on a friendly date with someone and dine on some good solid food.

    Please be well.
    rainydaze likes this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    1. You need to respect her request, as hard as it is.
    2. If she doesn't come back, it will suck, but you will survive.
    3. You should find a therapist or counselor to talk to you about experience in your last relationship.

    Abuse has a way of rippling out and making functioning relationships really hard - and to be honest, both you and your interest have had relationships that have skewed your perception and response to healthy, joyful love and support. Your response now is different - you want to hold fast to this thing that seems good, and she is afraid to jump in. But those two responses come from the sh*t and callousness you endured from previous partners.

    The healthiest thing both of you can do is find ways to heal, separately, from that trauma. That means that you do not ignore her boundary - the request for space - or push her to give up what she needs to heal in order to make you feel better. That means that you find a support system - friends, family, and yeah, a professional - to help you process and deal with the feelings that her request brings up in you. That means that you accept that your needs are not more important than hers, and that even it it breaks your heart the thing she gets to look out for is her own safety and happiness, and that ultimately you only want her partnership if it is freely given and chosen by her.

    That is really hard, and you might do a lot of crying and yelling and wallowing while you are giving her this space or, if it comes to that, letting her go. That's okay. But what is really important is that you are kind to her and to yourself, you respect her needs as much as your own, and that you find healthy ways to navigate these difficult feelings. It will make you able to be a better partner (to her, to someone else) and when this storm passes will feel a lot like having done to right thing in the right way.
    rainydaze and greylin like this.
  4. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    It sounds like you were both young when you each previously committed to unhealthy, unhappy relationships.

    Then, you found each other and helped each other find the courage to leave/end the relationships. That can feel incredible, finally feeling worthy and appreciated and safe...especially after years of feeling devalued and abused.
    Good for you both that you each were able to find your way out of the unhappy relationships.

    That does not guarantee an instant healthy relationship though, and she is right to take the time to find her footing and to create some new and independent stability for herself and her children. And your statement is right, of course: you "have to let her go." There really is no other option.

    Don't despair; it is not automatically a bad thing! I would not focus so much on how much time apart, but more on what occurs during that space. Let yourself spend some energy on You! Eight years is a long time to suffer mental and physical abuse. I would think that you have quite a bit of healing to do on your own. I agree with the recommendation that you see a therapist, hopefully someone who has some understanding of domestic violence and LGBTQ relationships. Surround yourself with supportive friends/family. Exercise, eat healthy, stay away from excessive alcohol consumption. Take a class to learn something new and interesting you always wanted to explore. Try to enjoy your space and the joy of openly getting to know yourself without a partner, as I am guessing that was hard to do when you were with someone abusive. Even though you may miss her terribly, use the space to be as healthy and as autonomous as possible. It will do wonders for you and your own clarity.

    Respect the boundaries she has requested. Try 110% to keep all of the personal issues out of the work environment that you share. I would imagine that will be hard to do, but you really should both agree to not come up with "work reasons" to see each other. If the relationship is going to end ultimately, you would want to have the respect to protect each other's source of income. No matter what happened or happens between you now, you can be kind to each other knowing that you both helped each other leave a bad situation, and there is value in that shared experience.

    We have a tendency to want to cling to what feels good, especially after feeling so bad for so long, but do not fear the space you take from each other. If it is true that she wants to marry you and spend the rest of her life with you, do not be afraid of her need to take the time and focus, so that she feels complete and ready for that. Certainly, you want her to be with you when she is whole, confident, and secure in her decision. Then, there is no question that she is with you, perhaps, because she had nowhere else to go, feared being on her own, or felt obligated because you helped each other through difficult times.

    And if, somehow, the space leads to the decision (from her or you) that you do not reconcile as a couple, then, surely, you would want to know that before you both commit to something that is uncertain/unhappy/unhealthy for either of you, especially when there are children who are impacted by the choices that the adults in their lives make.

    Best wishes to you as you both grow and heal. While uncomfortable, it is often incredibly valuable and necessary.
    Come back to check in at AE for support whenever you need some.
    greylin likes this.

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