Issue at home

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by G_Simpleasthis, Jun 10, 2016.

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Leave or Stay ?

  1. Stay

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  2. Leave

    9 vote(s)
    100.0%
  1. G_Simpleasthis

    G_Simpleasthis New Member

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    I am married for almost a year to my wife. We were in a long distance relationship for 5 years til i moved to the States 2 years ago and we got married last year. 6 months after i moved in with her, we started having major issues such as bills, rent and her two grown up kids (23 and 25 year old at the time).

    She was going through a major depression as she was suffered from really bad racism at work (she is African-American), her mother just passed away and then she lost her job. Her ex husband (she was straight and was in a marriage for almost 20 years) and she had an agreement that after he leaves the house, he will help her financially since both of their children would be living with her. He never kept his promise. So i basically helped her with bills and rent even before i moved in the house. After i moved in, i continued to help paying the bills and rent as my wife lost motivation for working. Her 25 year old daughter was working on - off at local fast food joints and most of her money was spent on video games, weed and fast food. Her 23 year old son was constantly got laid off from jobs at local supermarkets after he sat on his butt for a good 2 year.

    Even though I kinda knew what i was getting into but i did not expect it to get worse. Since i used up all my MBA tuition to pay bills and rent, i could not afford the course any more and got terminated and lost my legal status. It means that I overstayed my visa and possibly get deported anytime. The only solution for that was to get married and we did.
    My wife's daughter got involved with some drama at her job and she quitted the job regardless how much we tried to explain to her that i can no longer pay every bills and she needed to start helping as she lived in the house too. After that, she left the house with a drug addict and jumped from place to place (my wife's relatives houses). For some reason she refused to come home. She ended up moving to California with her dad. He lets her sleep in a van with random people because his new wife does not like his daughter. The daughter got pregnant and now he is gonna send her back to her mother (my wife). He tried to make her to abort the baby to pressure my wife, knowing that it would make her take her pregnant daughter back in the house. Every other day now, the daughter calls my wife and still gets on her nerves because she is still very immature.

    My wife's son is bipolar with an onset of schizophrenia. He is filthy and is a glutton. He always eats up all his food then expect you to refill or he is gonna eat your food. He does not have any sense of safety and always leaves the door unlocked or wide opened. He smoked alot because of his nerve and make the whole house smell like cigarette and flicked the ashes and cigarette fillers everywhere. I and my wife got into many arguments about his poor hygiene and safety unawareness can cause us harm. He used to walk around with his hand inside his pants, holding his private parts. Now he moves on to some new stuff like walk around or go to the gym with his loose pants ( It is so loose to the point that if he doesnt hold it with his hand, it will just fall right out). Im not sure whats up with that and it kinda bothers me.

    All this has been going on for the last 2 years, it is a very stressful situation and I might have some paranoia behind all this and i am not sure what to do. The daughter is coming soon and the son just now begins his treatment for the disease and it will take time for us to know whether it is gonna work or not.

    I would like to ask for some advice on how to handle this situation better. My wife always think that i am mean to her kids and that i dont want her kids to be with us but honestly I do not mind they live with us if they have their act together but they are a mess. Maybe im young (Im around her son's age, she had children pretty early) and lack of living experience to know how to handle this like an adult like my wife always says. Sometimes i really want to leave but i do love my wife and dont want to loose her. This is too unhealthy environment for anybody to live in.
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    This. is. a. train wreck.

    Your relationship was a fantasy until you moved in together. It's as simple as that, and I don't mean to sound harsh -- but the growing pains of experiencing a day-to-day life with someone -- the boring, the mundane, the exciting are all what keep a relationship together. Moreover, things like finances play a HUGE role in relationships and can often be the undoing of them. If you and your wife are not financially compatible (i.e. I could not be with someone who is irresponsible with money..doesn't matter how much she makes, but it does matter to how responsible she is), then that's a huge obstacle. That you were helping with her finances before you moved in speaks volumes.

    Now here's where I'm going to sound really mean, but it's something you need to hear. Your wife's kids act this way because your wife has enabled them to do so. Kids generally fall into problems because of negative peer influences or a lack of parental supervision. Yeah, I get that kids can fall in with a bad crowd...but I would suspect that the daughter didn't end up this way in a vacuum. Your wife doesn't have to take her 25 year old daughter back into the house -- she's 25 and has to accept responsibility for her poor life choices, including responsibility for an unplanned pregnancy. The son has a mental illness and your wife allows him to live like he does which is offensive to most reasonable people -- perhaps he needs to be in a facility, but he's also 23 and an adult. These "children" walk all over her and you because your wife lets them do so. At 23 and 25 -- these kids should not be living at home or affecting your marriage -- that your wife seems to defend their irresponsible behaviors? Well, that tells you where you stand, doesn't it? If they weren't taught better choices as children, they're not going to change now -- and frankly, I'm suspecting it all comes from a lack of real parenting in the first place.

    You're also very young, which makes me wonder what in the world you're doing with an older woman who can't seem to get her life together. You're not the parent here. She should be far more mature than what she's displaying. That your wife is also looking to someone her son's age to be a partner in this life is most concerning.

    Get out of this relationship before you allow the relationship to wreck your life further. This whole family sounds ridiculously selfish. Your MBA money gone? You'll never get it back. Think about yourself for a change because you certainly don't sound happy -- and you certainly deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved -- and not used as a financial crutch. This doesn't sound like a loving healthy relationship to me.
     
    #2
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Get a divorce lawyer who also understands some immigration issues. Sometimes, lawyers who have the same background as where you are from can help. Sometimes the initial consultations are free and it can help you think about your options. Be careful with what you post online if you don't want her reading this, especially if you are about to enter into a divorce situation with her.
     
    #3
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  4. mlleangelique

    mlleangelique Member

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    I think the unhealthiness of the situation is well acknowledged here, and while a lot of support would benefit everyone involved here, you know this isn't making you happy and isn't going to change so it does.

    However, I also want to raise a note of concern that -- you're around her son's age (23) now and have been seeing each other for 7 years, so you started when you were about 16 and she in her late 30s? I find the power and experience differential inherent there to be definitely concerning on her part, particularly if she is now holding your age and lack of experience against you.
     
    #4
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  5. mlleangelique

    mlleangelique Member

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    Also, re: her son's behaviour: none of that has much if anything to do with his bipolar and schizophrenia. Neither of these things determine someone's ability to treat others with basic respect.
     
    #5
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  6. truestory

    truestory New Member

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    That's a freaking toxic environment to live in! From what you wrote, you come from very different backgrounds, trying to make it work(at least one of you) on a common ground. This would work ONLY if your wife would be willing to change. Otherwise, it's a leech situation. Sorry, tbh.
     
    #6
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  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Oh honey, this woman used you before you ever moved to the states. I'm sorry to say but you were taken advantage of right from the start. She was probably lying to you when she said her ex-husband promised to help support her and their grown up adult children. In the US we are adults and legally on our own at 18. He probably moved to California to get away from his freeloading kids. He didn't let his daughter sleep in a van and hang out with undesirables because she was free, as an adult, to do whatever she felt like doing. Now daddy doesn't want her hanging out around him and expecting him to support her and her baby. Plus, since she's over the age of 18 her parents can't make her get an abortion. It's too bad that you don't know the laws and traditions of the country you have decided to call home because you are being taken advantage of. Your wife is just as lazy as her adult children. You shouldn't be supporting any of them. Only the woman and her baby daddy are responsible for their child. She's just going to get welfare anyway so don't feel like you need to support her.

    Someone's advice to find a lawyer is a good one. Try to find an organization that will help you with little or no money, Tell them you were taken advantage of by this woman, who used your student loans to pay off her bills. You have seriously been used here. Even if you never take her to court, you need to get out. Is living in the US better than going home? If not, then just leave. Go home and file for divorce from there.
     
    #7
    Spygirl likes this.
  8. Pi3

    Pi3 Well-Known Member

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    We are adults and legally on our own at 18. - Eloise

    Sorry to bundle in, but I find the above statement is too absolute. From legal prospective, it is true but culturally maybe it is other story.

    Anyway what the wife and her adult children are doing here is not right, it is like a parasitic relationship. So, run like the wind.
     
    #8
  9. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    The woman is using you, her children are using and not only have they cost you your education (your naivety plays in to that as well), they're continuing to cost you your hard earned wage because they refuse to contribute to the running of the household. Her children are adults and it's despicable that they've never been taught to stand on their own two feet or to treat people with respect. Your wife sounds just as lazy as her children. She's obviously spent 20 years being provided for by her ex husband and now you've come along she's 'not motivated' enough to find work. Why would she?

    The bottom line is that she doesn't respect you. You got married because of your legal status to stay in the US, not out of mutual love for each other, so what does that tell you? Just because you love someone wholeheartedly doesn't mean they feel the same way.
     
    #9

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