Isolated

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by CherryBonBerry, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. CherryBonBerry

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    Right so I want to be completely honest with everyone, I suffer depression, paranoia, ocd and religious trama syndrome and mild (improved from what it used to be) agoraphobia.

    Recently one of my close friends started ignoring me online and text messages. I didn't know what to do until she blocked me online and I confronted her by text, she said she didn't know how to say it but she didn't want to be around me anymore due to me talking about my problems. she's been wanting to for a while, and she thought it would be easier if she basically just ignored me.

    I feel really sick to my stomach with depression as this only just happened a few days ago. She was my closest friend (to me anyway) and I finding it really hard to deal.

    I send a really nice text saying I won't contact her again until she decides to, I don't mind how weak that makes me sound, I'd rather not be nasty. i won't be sending a text again, I think she thinks I'm going to start stalkiing her or something, which offends me to the core, I've never stalked anyone in my life.

    Anyway right now I'm beating myself up, I lost another friend this way, Who ended up saying some awful things, I never want to talk about my issues again, how can I make friends guys, please help.

    Much love xx
     
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  2. CherryBonBerry

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    Also I wanted to add I really need someone to talk to right now, I did a lot for this person, helped her out and now I feel it's all been thrown back in my face, because I talked about my problems a few times. One of my biggest issues is that I help people so much, and everybody seems to jump ship when its not about them. not just with me but I've seen it happen to other people, and it just breaks my heart.

    I understand rejection and accept it, but... ok its just difficult... can someone message make please xx
     
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  3. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    no one has responded because they are probably too afraid to. you need to get help, see someone...therapists, perhaps check into a clinic. i know someone that sounds like you- she went to a clinic.good luck.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Please don't put words into my mouth. I hadn't responded because I hadn't seen this message, not because I am afraid of the op.

    For the OP:

    The issues that you listed - depression, ocd, etc... are very treatable. So I would urge you to get help. You can start by seeing your family Doctor. Medicine and therapy can help with these issues, so ideally you would see a psychiatrist and a therapist.

    Being lonely is tough. People generally are friends with someone that they have something in common with - school mates, friends from a hobby or club. Mental illness can be tough, because other people have a hard time understanding what you are going through. They don't get that you can't just cheer up, go out to the movies, touch stuff in a public place - whatever the symptoms of your illnesses are. They also don't understand that it can take time and work - and setbacks to recover.

    People who have never struggled with an illness, mental or physical, frequently don't have the compassion or patience to stick with you when you are ill. That really stinks to be on the receiving end, but it is their shortcoming and not yours. It can be helpful to make other friends who are going through what you are going through. There are support groups and online forums for depression, ocd, etc...

    I don't really know what happened with this girl. She doesn't seem very mature if she just ignored you instead of trying to talk about it first. "Hey x, I really like being your friend, but maybe when we get together can we not talk about your illnesses?" It can be overwhelming to always hear about someone's problems. But there are better ways to handle it than just ditching someone.

    As for doing too much for people - don't. Wait until you know someone and don't have it be a one way street. Do a little for them. But if they don't reciprocate, then don't do more and more. If you do a bunch and hope that someday they will be there for you - you may well be disappointed.
     
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  5. CherryBonBerry

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    Oh no I completely get why people don't respond, believe it or not my illnesses are "hidden" people don't know unless I tell them, and online everything sounds intense.

    I've been with the mental health team since 2009 and they do f*ck all to help me to be honest. They keep putting off giving me talking therapy due to budget cuts in this country.

    and Bluenote that's exactly it, If she has said to me something along the lines of, "I'm gonna be honest I don't think we can be friends anymore if you talk about things like this, because I can't handle it". I would have taken that a lot better and changed asap, to risk not losing her as a friend than ignoring me for months when now and again I tried to get together. Plus being nice and inviting everyone else around - Myself. Then when I confronted her for the second time, I finally get a bad response.

    Its really hard thinking of all the good times, I know the only solution is to "get over it" but it is really difficult :(
     
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  6. Pi3

    Pi3 Well-Known Member

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    Good evening CherryBonBerry, I would respond if I have seen this.

    It is ok to feel down, you don't have to get over it, seriously. Everyone has his/her up and down days, so why can't you say you are not ok? If you want to cry, go for it. But one thing you just need to hang in there, and try to believe things will get better because it will :).

    About your friend, who is afraid to talk to you and hold you through hard time, she is not worthing your time. You should think of yourself, love yourself. It is not your fault that she doesn't talk to you, she should be more sympathetic and try to understand what you are going through.

    I know some people who have low self esteem or are not happy tend to avoid troubles. A friend of mine is an expert in that, one time in a group conversation, I felt anxious and so I shut down. Instead of save me from there, he decided to ditch me. I learned he did the same thing to a mutual friend.

    I hope you find this funny :D
     
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  7. CherryBonBerry

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    Thanks Pi3, I think you're right. There's so much I want to say to her, I did so much for her including standing up for her when her ex bf put her through it. I let her stay at mine, and I was on the couch.

    The only solution is to get over it I guess.


    and I wish google was that guy :) I would have fun with him.
     
    #7
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  8. Pi3

    Pi3 Well-Known Member

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    you will get over it (Y) :D.

    you never know, maybe google is watching you now hehe :p.
     
    #8
  9. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Some people are afraid that you are going to expect them to fix your problems and they can't, so they drop you. Others think you will use them so they drop you. Basically, some people can't cope when a friend is going through a hard time. Sometimes they're jerks who only want to be friends with people who aren't going through a tough time. But, even those people go through hard times eventually. They can only hope their friends don't walk away when they need someone to talk to.

    When you make new friends it's ok to tell them about your problems so long as that's not all you ever talk about. You must have some interests. Even if it's just reading you can talk about the books you've read or the movies you've watched. Try not to make your problems the focus of your friendships. In fact, the more you focus on other things the better you'll probably feel. I'm no expert but constantly thinking about your anxieties have to make you more anxious. That can be exhausting to others. Allow your doctors to be your sounding board and make your friendships about socializing and getting away from your worries.
     
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  10. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Sounds like you both have your issues and it got emeshed -
    But it is ok for a friend to pull
    Out of the friendship if that is the right thing for them to do -
    We all have rights

    I've been in emeshed friendships or where the basis is both your problems. Also I think a text on line relationship replacing real friendships for me arnt that healthy
    Good luck
     
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  11. CherryBonBerry

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    I don't really go for online friendships either. I think a few days ago I was so shocked and upset that somebody could just throw away over 2 years of me not talking about my issues. I'm starting to get over it hopefully :)
     
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  12. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    if you find this cuteee LETS BE FRIENDD!!!!!

     
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  13. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    This kind of thing totally sucks.

    So that we can be similarly intense online: I'm a secret mess, too. I live with depression, insomnia, generalized anxiety disorder, and disordered eating. I feel things pretty intensely, and usually need to process what's going on to make sure that I'm okay; I cry when I'm mad, when I'm sad, when I'm scared, and all that crying can be a bit much for my friends. All that being sad, I am adept at being super cheerful and social in public, and most of my friends/coworkers have only the slightest inkling that my brain doesn't work like theirs.

    I've lost friends too. Sometimes in particularly dramatic and hurtful ways, and sometimes just by gradual fading out. What I've come to over time is that, as hard as these decisions were for me, i can only try and believe that my former friends were acting in the best way they knew how - to protect themselves, to not be unreliable for me when they couldn't, or because they believed tough love would help me the most. Regardless of how it affected me, I try to let these friends go with as much love and kindness as I can; people do their best, and sometime their best kind of sucks, but I can't force them to be any better until they are ready to be. One of these friends, who dumped me during my first major depressive episode in high school, has since contacted me to apologize. What I couldn't see then was that he had some serious shit going on to, and that I was not an easy person to be friends with. We aren't friends now (he lives in TX, I live in CA), but I'm not angry or disdainful of him anymore. He did his best. So did I. Neither of our best was good enough, but we can learn from the experience and move on.

    What has really helped me is learning not just to modify my behavior to burden my friends less - sometimes you just need people to lean on, and that's okay - but at getting better at identifying who has the capacity to be there for me, and to ask permission before leaning. And then, saving my energy for the friendships and relationships with people who I can trust and lean on. I don't devote much time to acquaintances and flaky friends anymore, or to people who have let me down; I'm not mad or resentful, just aware of how limited my emotional resources are. I can't control other people and how they spend their time and energy; I can control myself.

    As to therapy being useless - well, talk therapy has been shown to be as effective as meds when executed well, as have mental habits like CBT and ACT, and there are modifications to diet, exercise, and environment that have profound effects on our body chemistry which controls depression and anxiety. I'm currently struggling with implementing some of those changes, which sucks hardcore from the middle of depressive inertia, but I have had some positive signs, and knowing that I can do small things to positively influence my health in small ways has helped me feel more in control (and less dependent on friends and care providers for solutions).
     
    #13
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