Is this taken woman/mother into me at all? Seems to be flirting...

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by silliputty23, Feb 2, 2017.

  1. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    She has a 3 year old and a man, but not married for some reason.

    We've only pretty recently begun talking and getting along. I've worked with her about 3 months and we've only gotten along like this for two weeks or so.

    She is somewhat touchy. She asked if I was happy she'd be working a particular day with me for a few weeks and I rolled my eyes, acted irritated and she laughed, pushed me gently in the back before I said that no, I liked her. A couple times she just hits my arm when she agrees with me or thinks something is funny and sometimes walks into me (? hard to explain what happens here) when talking to me. I obviously like when she touches me at all.

    When saying I was working on getting thick/big glutes she affirmed that I was already there and also commented that I had noticeable breasts through my shirt. She was talking like she approved. Today, asked for some $1 bills as change and she said no..that I would have to go strip to get some ones. I replied that I wouldn't make it as a stripper and she said "Why? You have those C cup breasts." Cleaning something at work, she walked up close to me and said "every inch of that better be clean" in a playfully bossy voice and I said something about how if she was manager I wouldn't do sh+t. She walked off smiling and said "oh girl you are so..." and didn't finish.

    I know that there's some excitement in my eyes when talking to her and she seems to respond positively to it. A lot of other straight girls don't feed off of that...rather, they might back off a bit.

    Before really ever talking to her, she did randomly tell me that her daughter loves someone on youtube that has my name and said that she thinks of me when her daughter goes on about her. Again I didn't know her well at this point so the "I think of you when" bit stood out to me. I actually still don't know her all that well.

    Kept asking why I don't work Fridays (she works this day). Seems to want me around.


    I'm not trying to steal her away. She has a daughter with the guy. I'm just happy with a little flirting here and there if it is flirting at all. It seems pretty harmless...I've seen her and her man in pictures and he looks like he loves her. And if I was the reason something happened between them, I wouldn't be able to take his place as a guardian, etc. And honestly, I'm not a forward person at all. I couldn't do anything about it even if I wanted to.

    I just get giddy interacting with her sometimes...a little fun flirting..the idea of her being attracted to me. I'm happy with just that. If we could be friends with some flirting.. I admittedly do think about us doing sexual things together. I just know it'll never happen.

    What do you think?
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Yes, she is flirting with you. No, it doesn't always follow that she likes you. Plenty of people will flirt for a little ego trip.

    You are in denial if you think this won't hurt you. You could get in trouble at work and wind up hung up on a partnered woman. Stop this with her now.
     
    #2
    Gentry and greylin like this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    For whatever reason...probably her ego...she's enjoying the flirting with you because you're reciprocating. It could mean something; it could mean nothing. It could be harmless, but if you're here posting about it...it's more than harmless flirty friend banter.

    I'll echo what @Bluenote said...this is a work situation and has the potential to get really awkward and ugly...really fast.
     
    #3
    Gentry, Bluenote and greylin like this.
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    No one should be discussing your cup size at work. The straight girls that had backed off of you were actually being respectful. She's a mom of a toddler and probably has to go home and work some more. So while she's at work, you are her entertainment. Her life is probably all drudgery at this point. Some people can deal with flirty banter even at work. But if you are getting a dose of this everyday, and you are starting to fantasize about it on your off time, then this will be like crack to you. Forget about being awkward at work. Her doing this is giving you a diet of emotional candy, all empty calories. I hope you move on and go on dates and take your mind off her.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
    Spygirl and Bluenote like this.
  5. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    I agree, it is like crack. However, I'm newer to the area and don't know anyone outside of work...I rarely come across women that want other women...So I feel like I need this kind of attention. It's a mutual need for some excitement and attention. I need to be flirted with sometimes as well...need to be wanted by someone other than men :(

    I do understand that I won't ever have her. I think it's when I start believing that I can have her that problems might arise. I haven't actually fallen hard for anyone in a while so don't see myself falling in love with her, but yes, I was sad to see her leave the other day. And I would be upset if it suddenly stopped and it was clear I meant nothing. I agree. But what if it doesn't and we both just build a long, comfortable friendship on this? Some playful flirting here and there, feeding each other's ego. Isn't that possible?

    I currently work at a restaurant. Talk like that is generally ignored. Some of the managers speak inappropriately.

    Was surprised she got my cup size right. My work shirt hides everything. She must have been looking on her own time...
     
    #5
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    You don't sound very comfortable right now. You sound toyed with and confused.

    Read through the forums and see all the 'this straight girl / friend flirted with me for years and I got burned and left hung up and heartbroken' threads.

    Seriously, there's enough threads like that that it's a genre.

    This can't possibly be the best you can do. Make an effort to socialize outside of work. Try online dating, meetups, sports groups, lgbt activities, etc... Go out and meet other queer single women.

    'I don't get out much, therefore I am going to subject myself to an unhealthy train wreck' is a really crappy rationalization, tbh.

    I am sure that you could do better, don't sell yourself short.
     
    #6
    greylin likes this.
  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    Hey Sillyputty, I think you know what's going on because you were giving the same kind of advice I just gave you just now. Also, you were given the same kind of advice some months ago about a different gal.

    This married lady and you are consenting adults and in a not so buttoned-down environment. So yeah, it's no crime if you want to carry on with her.

    But.

    To simply say that this is harmful is like saying to you to put down that chocolate bar because it is fattening. And if I say that "it is not good for you" bit, you would just think that well, noshing on it a bit, what could it hurt? Everyone eats it and sells it. The difference is, for a lot of people, it is just a bite of chocolate. For you, it is this bitter indignity that keeps you at this bitter indignity. From the side here, just looking at the few words you have down, I see that you are ripe to be with someone. I don't like how this lady is with you knowing that you are just desperate for a connection. It is like that you are not justing taking a bite and enjoying the occasional sweet naughtiness, you need it to live even when it doesn't taste good anymore. And the chocolate is not even the right kind or quality that you want, it is the stuff they put right next to the register so it will finally sell. That's not good. You deserve better. Get with the person who can give you this wonderful thing you are ready to give back. Run away from cheap, ready display of something that is not real.

    I think our community needs to have just more fun naughtiness. I like the thread where someone posted their fantasy celebrity person they are allowed to "cheat" with. If all else fails in real life, start another thread. Write a story. Do all that while you are waiting and meeting people.
     
    #7
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
    Crescida likes this.
  8. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    Yes, I have seen a lot of those.

    I do wonder if she goes home and feels bad about it or if she just considers it harmless.

    In the past, when I was toyed with, I was made to think I had a chance. She strung me along like she didn't want me to give up on her. Not to mention, I was head over heels for that woman from the moment I saw her, unlike in this situation. Right now, it just feels fun and I don't expect anything more from her. I understand the warnings though in the event that I do begin to develop serious feelings.
     
    #8
  9. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    Greylin, do you think this applies to just me and my situation or do you think that there is just no such thing as "harmless flirting" between a lesbian/bisexual woman and another? Is it not possible to flirt without feeling hurt in the end?
     
    #9
  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    I think it is a case by case thing. In this case, you defend it like it is no big deal but it is big enough for you to keep it going. I could be all wrong about this and too uptight, but it does not feel right here. I have met so many gradients of Shanes (L Word Char.) who flirt and it is all ok. For her, it is ok because she is married and it is implicit that she is not taking it any where real with you. For her, work is more fun if you can make someone else sweat over some sexy banter. However, for you, I think this is the time you gain healthful habits. This distracts you from feeling good and have healthy friendships and relationships and keeps you on a path of loneliness.

    She goes home, I don't think she is worried to much about anything at work. Maybe what goes on at work is just something to talk about at home. She already has a steady thing going in her life. You are looking for someone, I would not waste time here.
     
    #10
  11. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    For some reason she isn't married. But as stated I don't want to steal her away.
     
    #11
  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    Thanks for the correction. I meant she already has someone at home, a family and has the picture about. So to her, it is implicit that it is all talk because of her status. If you come off as too into it then it won't be fun for you anymore. I am not worried about your intentions of stealing her away.
     
    #12
  13. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    Thanks for your time :)
     
    #13
  14. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    I absolutely think that flirting can be harmless if the cards are on the table, both people are being honest, and there's no expectations of anything coming of it. One of my best friends is married to a man, and we've flirted in the past (we go back about 15 years or so)...but the thing is..he's also been in on the joke because EVERYONE has known the flirting was harmless...we've joked about it in the open and in front of each other... (She actually saved me at a bar one night when we were out with a bunch of old colleagues and pretended to be "with" me so that some girl who was way pushy got the hint)....I should also add, with her there's never really been a real attraction or any risk of anything ever happening because we respect each other's lives too much.

    The difference with your situation is that it isn't harmless -- you're thinking more about it probably than she is, and she's enjoying the ego stroke and then going home to her life. You make work entertaining and bearable for her, I'm sure....but going beyond that....eh...

    If you're actually looking to meet someone, I can see how this situation would be to you -- to an extent, you're getting the attention you're craving...but in the end, that kind of attention will mean more to you when the girl is actually into you ...when she actually wants to be with you.

    Hang in there!
     
    #14
    greylin likes this.
  15. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    Well...I do have to say that I think about a lot of the relationships in my life and have asked about "trivial" incidents times before. Recently asked about a guy at work who stopped talking to me because I didn't give him my number and everyone thought that I actually liked him because I was "caught up on it". I swore that I genuinely just wanted to continue being friends at work - talking and joking to pass the time but couldn't convince any of them (didn't even mention that I prefer women).

    I think that perhaps I just generally think more about social interactions than others.

    I recently moved out here. Prior to this work location, I worked with a younger, "bisexual" female coworker that was pretty raunchy and liked attention. I asked about her as well. She asked me things like "did it make you wet?" - shocking statements just to get attention from people. I recognized she desired attention. When I said it was my last day to a few people, she was nearby...put on a sad face, came up to me and started stroking my arm, asking why I had to leave and saying she was going to miss me. Yes, I probably thought more about her than she did me, and I did unfortunately soften a bit that moment that she showed affection to me...but the point is that I moved away, heart totally intact. I did not get caught up on this girl. Similar to this current woman, I never actually expected that we were going to end up together. I did like to consider whether or not the girl was flirting with me or affected by me at all.

    It's nice to be liked. And like them, I like receiving a little attention too (perhaps don't go to their extremes but...). I feel great that I can attract women here and there. I haven't been attracting people as often as when I was young and 18...and this woman I work with probably feels the same way. I have to insist that I am not getting as caught up as I may appear to be, but yes, I do think about and ask about these "trivial" incidents. See, it gives *me* a little ego boost as well.

    It would be nice to be in a relationship with someone but I haven't given much thought to it recently. I don't think I'm at a place in life where I can be in a relationship at the moment. I've had to rely on family a bit recently and I'm in my mid twenties...not too proud about it. And I agree, I want a relationship with someone that completely wants me - I wouldn't want a relationship that began with the other ending a long relationship. It would be too messy, they wouldn't be completely over the other...I'd feel that they'd at some point regret leaving a long-time lover for me. And in this case, the little girl wouldn't have her father in her life as much anymore and I would have to awkwardly be introduced into the girl's life as something not permanent. I don't want any of this! Understand that I have never considered anything more than just flirting with this woman as a possibility. I realize that she goes home to her husband, likely to have sex and what not, and that is fine.
     
    #15
    greylin likes this.
  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    I remember reading from someone here that lgbtq people have less opportunities to play flirt and mess around in lesser relationships while in our teens so it is not unusual for us to do that more later and with straight women. So flirt away, just watch out for the baby daddy. :)
     
    #16
  17. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    I would agree with that. Most gay/lesbian teens don't get to enjoy young love.

    She probably doesn't even consider this flirting. It seems a lot of straight women lately get unusually close with and comfortable with their female friends. And they can't even answer as to why they do it themselves.

    Yes, when he comes around, I'm sure we'll be talking about the weather.
     
    #17
  18. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2013
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    12
    I think the talk here did something for me. Being around her hasn't been as exciting for me anymore...can't picture kissing her, don't care when she touches/pushes me...

    I still talk to her. She was joking about having some sex/torture chamber (relevant to some show she'd been talking about earlier where a guy was captured and held nude) and actually said I would be the first one she'd put there. And in bringing up strippers again, told me she was going to hire me to perform for her. Both of these were in front of other people. A friend did come up and ask what we were talking about though and she didn't want to say...maybe was a little embarrassed about her flirting. Smiled and told the girl "you don't wanna know."

    I don't know what this is. I don't always know how to respond - but don't blush or act stupid. I've had a couple blunt, sexual comments from women like this in the past and never totally understood it...never gave those girls in the past any attention because I was hiding my orientation. Haven't mentioned my orientation to this woman.
     
    #18
  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    A decade and a half ago, when things were less open, there was a write up warning about women coming out at work even in the most progressive of work environments. I don't have a reference to the article but it warned that straight women may start flirting with the newly out gay woman at work and in some ways live vicariously through her. Sometimes, it is entertainment to them and sometimes they flirt with a gay woman out of curiosity.

    All that makes it all the more difficult for women like us to learn how to navigate socially with our hetero sisters. I of course like being attractive to women, but I don't want jokes that make me feel like a piece of meat. Even though I wouldn't want to "bull in a china shop" through a micro culture where people just kid around, I still would like to have personal boundaries. The thing is, you shouldn't have to hide your orientation, but I think you have been prudent not to trust your colleagues with your personal business. For me, I would not like to be body scanned by a colleague and have her tell me her stripper fantasies. Fantasies about being lusted over by someone you are not with can be fun, but not when it really happens and in a work environment. It can get old really fast and I would feel rather exploited by a woman. And I wouldn't want that kind of experience with a woman that could haunt a real relationship that I have or will have.

    So I hope you can find casual ways to dismiss things from her that don't feel good for you to hear. She will probably pick it up quickly that the jokes are no longer fun to you and stop. If not, then you have a work problem to deal with but no need to worry until then. It is good that you never gave any of those girls in the past attention. That is smart.
     
    #19
  20. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    First off, she clearly is attracted to you.

    However, what is less clear is how much and what does she want. Sometimes, when people are attracted to someone, they want to date / bang etc... them. But other times, they just want something much less intense - to flirt, to have some dirty talk, to be a little touchy. They enjoy the fantasy and the ego stroke, but don't actually want to act on the fantasy.

    Secondly, you clearly aren't hiding your orientation that well. And the truth is, it is very hard to hide. Anyone with gaydar can ping you, no matter how much one tries to pass, doesn't talk about their private life, etc... It sounds like she has pinged you. Unless you want to make up a fake boyfriend (or fake ex boyfriend) and start babbling about him to throw her off the trail - she knows you are queer. You don't have to tell people for them to know (story of my life).

    What should you do about her / her behavior? Well, I guess it depends on how you feel about it. It also depends on your stomach for risking a work sexual harassment thing. Playing along does put you at risk for a complaint. 'Everyone does it' won't necessarily protect you - and there can be a double standard against gay people. Sure, you could try to fight back that you were unfairly singled out, but that takes money and time. You could find yourself technically being right, but getting the short end of the deal.

    However, if you aren't sexual harassment risk adverse and If you don't mind having a little flirt / ego stroke at work, then just enjoy it. Don't try to analyze it too much, don't try to analyze her too much. Just keep in touch with your own feelings and if anything gets too intense (you start crushing on her, she talks fantasies that make you feel uncomfortable) speak up and set limits with her.

    If you are uncomfortable with the sex slave / stripper comments - just ask her to stop. First do it in a low key way when just she is around 'hey, could you dial back the sexy stripper comments, I feel like a piece of meat when you talk about me like that.' If she continues after that - then ask her to stop in a way that is documented (in front of people, via email, etc...)

    It sounds like she has an active fantasy life. She is sort of letting you into her fantasies with her comments. Doesn't mean that she wants to act these fantasies out, but she does have them. She fantasizes about a dynamic where a woman is there to please her - strip for her, be in a cage for her, be sexually available to her. Pretty intense energy to put out there in front of a bunch of people. Not very considerate of anyone else's feelings.

    Personally, she sounds like she is trouble and selfish. I would run away from her. But you may feel differently.
     
    #20
    greylin likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice