Is this a bad idea?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by tiramisu, Feb 1, 2014.

  1. tiramisu

    tiramisu Member

    Jan 31, 2014
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    So, I'm currently in the stage of questioning am I bisexual or lesbian. I'm not fully ready to come out and tell people yet,.

    I've never dated a girl(or guy for that matter) before and I've never even kissed another girl, so I don't know if I should wait until I have a relationship with another girl to make sure I really am lesbian to tell people. Or should I come out before I've had a relationship with a girl? I am 99% sure I'm into girls, I just don't know if I should really say it until I've been with another girl. Kind of like how you can like chocolate and milk, but can you really be sure you like chocolate milk before you try it...(if that analogy even makes sense).

    I don't know anyone who is gay to talk to this about, and I don't know how I would meet other lesbians because I'm only 17. I'm still a kid so I realize I have time to figure things out, and I keep hoping once I'm in college I can meet other lesbians and whatnot.

    I guess what it comes down to is: should I tell my friends/family I think I'm gay before I actually meet someone I like?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    What is your reason for coming out? I mean, sure you don't need a reason at all except that you just want to. I am hesitant because you are being mature and cautious about it. There is a slight chance of uncertainty here and you don't want to narrowly define yourself. I say you don't really need to define yourself narrowly. You don't have to label yourself one way or the other except that you know you are attracted to girls and you can simply say that. (And if and when you do, your girl friends will ask you whom you find attractive and whether or not you were ever into them. Can of worms on that so be prepared.)

    I applaud you for not making dating your number 1 priority when there is so much pressure to do so. In fact at 17 you have a LOT of pressure everywhere, academically and socially. You have to figure out college and I bet every aunt and uncle is asking you about it. You are still under your parent's rules but you also have some very mature decisions to make about your career path.

    There are things that are under your control, such as how you define yourself and how you relate to your peers. Date someone if someone really appeals to you, but don't worry about the drama of dating some random person just to find out. You do have plenty of time and if it does feel right or safe, just toss the coming out thing to the back burner.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Come out:
    - To stop playing the pronoun game and related closeted queer pastimes.
    - To include your friends and family in the important things that are happening in your life, and in your head.
    - To open up new communities of queer and allied people, and to let them know that you're family.
    - To be honest and open about your identity with those around you.

    Date someone:
    - Because you like them, and want to spend time with them in a makeout-oriented way.

    There is honestly no overlap between these lists; you don't need a litmus test to join the family. Your identity is your best understanding of yourself, right now, and the truth is that your understanding will probably (but not definitely) change over time, and that your expression of your identity will probably change with it. Right now, you understand yourself to be attracted to women, exclusively or not, and you get to claim that understanding. "I'm queer!" "I'm attracted to women!" and "I'm figuring it out!" are all great ways to share that understanding with the people around you, and ways to let them know that you trust them and want their support.

    If you feel that you need to try it out to know, that's fine - but honestly, do we ask straight high school girls who have never been kissed if they're SURE it's boys they like? No, because we assume that they are able to know themselves and their interests without laboratory tests. If it's your uncertainty that's driving your caution, kudos and do what you need to do; if it's fear of OTHER people's uncertainty, trust yourself and remember that coming out is about staking a claim for your own identity, sometimes in the face of what other people want or expect.

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