Is she Straight or hiding in Narnia?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by enragedkitty, Nov 21, 2015.

  1. enragedkitty

    enragedkitty New Member

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    I think i might be bisexual and deep in the closet, I met this girl a year ago who is in the same major as me. We instantly hit it off and become very good friends. We're in our last year studying Chemical engineering. She is very intelligent and a total geek. She doesn't really care about how she dressed, and I'm more feminine and outgoing. She is very shy and generally don't like to have any physical contact with people. But on the other hand, I'm a very touchy-feely person and a major flirt. I love showing my affections through physical contacts such as hugging, holding hands, and cuddling, and she is completely fine with me with doing that to her.

    At first I only see her as a good friend, but then things get out of hand when i started regularly asking for kisses on the cheeks and hold hands everywhere we go. She was always reluctant at first, but always gave in to it. These intimate contacts triggered me to develop romantic feeling for her and right before the summer ends, I gave her flowers and finally asked for a kiss on the lips. I was surprised she actually let me kissed her. It was her first kiss. It was the shortest kiss I've ever had because I was very nervous and my heart pumped really fast, so I pulled away instantly as soon as i made contact with her lips.

    I thought my feeling was reciprocated and started to act more like a couple. I started being more touchy and showing my affections in public, but she always feel very uncomfortable and pull me away. She also refused to kiss me on the lip ever since our first kiss, but was willing to give kisses on the cheeks.

    She came from a very conservative family and she's always very sensitive about what other people think of her. When people started asking her questions if we are together and she always gets upset and said no.

    We've been on many dates, or at least i consider them to be because I always hold her hands everywhere we go, even when driving ( very dangerous, I know). But then one day, at the end of our date I tried to make her admit her feeling towards me but she denies and said that she doesn't like me "that way" and proceed to act clueless to all those couple-like things we've done. I was heart broken. I didn't ask why, I just played along and pretended like i was just fooling around because I'm a very touchy person and just want to experiment. I don't want to admit to her that I'm bi and have feelings for her. I just let it go and acted like nothing happened...

    Every time when I try to confront her if she is bisexual, she would cry and became upset. I don't know whats on her mind, but i never asked. I assured her not to worry because I don't like her "that way" either, but it doesn't seem to make her feel any better.

    I'm very confused right now, I just want to know if she likes me or if she is straight like she claimed herself to be. I don't want to make a fool of myself and confesses my feelings for her if she doesn't like me back. I really don't want to sabotage our friendship. I wish I can convince myself that she's straight so I can move on with my life and find someone else.

    I would really like some advice. I literally just made an account today for this. Haha..
     
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    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It doesn't really matter. If she isn't gay, then confessing to her won't make her become gay. If she is gay, she either doesn't realize it, or doesn't want to act on it.

    Coming out isn't an easy process. You can't force another person to come out (especially to themselves). You can't make them come out on your time table, or when you want them to. You have already tried to get her to talk about things and she reacts by - crying.

    So there is your answer right there. She is in a lot of pain and it is selfish of you to push her. If one really cares about someone, one doesn't push them to do things that hurt them, that they aren't ready for. Maybe she is in pain because she isn't gay and is frustrated that people think she is. Maybe she is in pain because she is gay and isn't close to ready to come out. Maybe she is in pain because she might be gay, but her family would disown her if she came out. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that she is in pain and isn't going to come out any time soon.

    Back off and don't push her.

    I am not sure where you two live. You obviously are very smart if you are studying chemical engineering, though your post had a few (very small) English errors. If you live somewhere other than the US, it is hard for me to judge what some of you gals' interactions mean. I know in some countries it is common for women to hold hands, or kiss on the cheek - but it is not always a sexual thing.

    I get that you want her. But wanting someone and caring about them are two very different things. If you care about her, you will back off and quit trying to start something romantic with her. If a girl is crying - she doesn't want or like whatever you are doing. So quit making her cry.
     
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  3. Pi3

    Pi3 Well-Known Member

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    based on my experience I think she is not into you. I had a guy friend who I was closed to and we spent a lot of times together especially at night. I was a night creature, therefore I was comfortable hanging out with anyone at night but now I realised it was a bad idea. Anyway, that caused a misunderstanding between us. I think he thought I reciprocated his feelings and since I abhored hurting someone's feeling, so I always tried to ignore the times he tried to hold my hands. I would try to move my hands away or made jokes about stuff, but I always kept my distant. Never tried to initiate anything, and I told him no but in soft blow. somehow I knew I lend him on, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell him and also I got to a point I tried to avoid him altogether.

    I don't know what friend is like, and either she is straight or queer, I think you should ask her and take her words for it.
     
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  4. enragedkitty

    enragedkitty New Member

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    Thank you so much for your response, your words are wisdom and they are super helpful. I really do care about her, I never meant to force her to act on her feelings in public, to be honest i'm not sure if i'm ready to come out myself. I just want to be acknowledged by her and what to know if she enjoy my presence just as much as i enjoy her's. She is my best friend and I love her. I never meant to cause her any pain, I thought we were close enough for her to share everything thats in her mind, but i realized that might be too much to ask from her. I think i will take your advice and give her some space and back off a little bit, but I don't want her to think that i'm trying ignore/leave her. Since we are going through our final year of college, all of our classes are focused on our major so we have the exact same schedule. We are also in the same senior design team so that mean I will have to see her everyday, at least 60 hours a week. how should I act around her without making it seem like i'm trying to avoid her and at the same time for me to move on and not think about her too much?
     
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  5. enragedkitty

    enragedkitty New Member

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    When we are holding hands in the public, sometimes she tries to pull away away when there are people looking, but when we have movie nights, our hands can be attached for hours. I don't know if she is in to me or not, but it doesn't really any more because It seems like I've caused her a lot of pain. The least I can do, like what Bluenote said, is to move on and just try to be a good friend. It would be hard though, because I'm a touchy person in general.
     
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  6. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    I think another point to make is that you aren't willing to be honest with her so why should she be open with you? I don't know whether she is gay or not, but regardless You can't expect her to admit to being bisexual when you won't even be honest about your own sexuality. Not that I'm saying you should do that to get her to be honest. Coming out is a deeply personal thing, you can't force yourself and you most certainly shouldn't force others, it never ends well.
    Another concern for her is that she sounds quite shy and unconfident. can I ask, does she initiate physical contact with you or is she only doing it when you either initiate or ask her for it? If so you might want to re-evaluate what is happening. You sound like you have a very assertive confident personality and if she doesn't then she could be intimidated into following your lead in the relationship without realising she has a choice. If that's the case I would have an honest conversation with her and point out that you are a very affectionate individual but if she is at all uncomfortable with your affection she just needs to say. And then you need to respect her feelings on the matter.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Confronting her the way you have is only going to push her away -- even if there is something there -- you're going about it all wrong. Moreover, that you've thought you've been going "on dates" doesn't mean that she has. The only dating relationship here is the fantasy that exists within your mind.

    That she may be gay or bisexual is wholly irrelevant to the equation if she's not ready to acknowledge it within herself. And pressing her only will cause her to withdraw. At your urging, she's not going to make a proclamation that she's suddenly into women and ready to be the woman of your dreams.

    Back off. She's made it clear that she's not ready to discuss any of this with you -- so leave it alone. She doesn't owe you a thing.
     
    #7
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I just want to add that you need to learn about limits and boundaries with her and with anyone in your future too. I know you only love and care about her and got impatient and you don't mean to be a pushy person. However, once someone says, "No" and you keep going it is considered harassment. I am not trying to chide you or being harsh with you, I am worried about what you are doing. I think she loves you very much as a friend and that is why she got so upset when you pushed her. Yes, listen to Bluenote like you'd said and be a good friend to her. Yes, you are a touchy person in general, and doing a 180 without explanations can be odd. But you can say something simple like, you had given things a lot of thought and you realized that perhaps you are making her uncomfortable at times so you want to be more careful with the touchy feely stuff. Reassure her to speak up if you do anything that is unwanted. Tell her you respect her as a colleague and a friend.

    The impression I get of her is that she is like the "skin horse" in Velveteen Rabbit. You are loving a layer of fuzz off her and she is letting you, a friend like that is hard to find.
     
    #8
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