Is she actually interested or just flirty?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by chromaticalish, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. chromaticalish

    chromaticalish Active Member

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    Also, this is long. Here goes.

    So there's this girl.

    I've been getting to know her gradually over the last couple months. As far as I knew, she was straight - drunken shenanigans aside. She lives on campus and I live off campus so we would always hang out here at my place because we can drink and smoke shisha here without worrying about anyone getting in trouble with res life. It started out as us just hanging out in groups because we have mutual friends, then after a while I'd ask her if she wanted to hang out and/or drink at my apartment, just us, and she started asking me to model for photography projects. I secretly thought she was really cute through all of this, but brushed it off because, you know. Straight girl crushes, right? I wasn't about to actively pursue her, plus she had a boyfriend.

    And then she broke up with her boyfriend because he lied about kissing another girl. I was there when she found out, and she seemed pretty upset that night, but through the following weeks she seemed weirdly not bothered by it and mostly just pissed off if anything. Her boyfriend was really torn up about it and was desperate to make up with her, but when we would talk about it she would say things like 'ugh I want him to leave me alone' and 'why do people think girls are the clingy ones it's totally the guys.'

    And through all of this she had progressively started making these mildly suggestive comments through texting and in person, and we would banter, and even the fact that she's almost as (regrettably) obsessed with glee as I am and her favorite character is Santana - I started to wonder if maybe she might possibly be bicurious or even secretly bi? Despite our pretty conservative environment I know she's fine with gayness in general and even told me about a time she almost had drunk sex with another girl. And then there's the fact that she asked if she could quit her res life job and move in with me and my roommate at the end of the semester - we have an open third room that we've been trying to fill for a while. And THEN I told her about how I was applying to a school in Europe for the next school year, and maybe a week later she told me there was a photography program in the SAME European city that she was thinking about applying to, and said 'oh we can live together! haha!' So that struck me as a little strange considering we've only known each other a couple months...? But at the same time I've had lots of 100% straight girl friends that act just as flirtatious as a joke and I figured the only reason I was overthinking it was because I'm actually, you know, into her. And I kept feeling bad because I kept thinking how she wouldn't be acting that way if she knew I was bi, much less if she knew I was into her specifically.

    And in this last week that banter has kind of continued and we've been texting a lot, and we went to a small party this last Wednesday and got fairly drunk. I sat next to her and we definitely cuddled a little at different points and I was like running my fingers gently up and down her arm as we're talking with everyone. I'm not sure who initiated. She's also that girl that a lot of guys that are super into, and there were two guys at this party that had a thing for her - one even stepped outside with her to tell her how he felt, which she came back from feeling really awkward about. And then later in the night, she, other guy that was into her, and I all decided to make the short walk back to my place to smoke shisha. And at this point it's like 4AM and she even said she had an 8AM class she had to be up for. We're all pretty drunk. She and I sat on opposite ends of my couch while the guy was sitting in a chair near her, acting kind of mopey. We smoke for a bit and after a while she stretches out and presumably falls asleep. The mopey guy ends up coming and squeezing in next to me on the couch, and starts telling me about how he's been into her for ages and how he'd felt used by her and that she only wants to date douchebags. I half sympathize with him and am now questioning whether this girl is actually that great but at the same time it felt like such a typical 'nice guy' whine. In response, I said something like "there are always going to be girls like that, and it's your responsibility to not engage. She knows the magnetic effect she has on guys. Shit, she even has it on girls."

    And then this weird smirk appears on his face, and he mumbles, "Yeah, she said that about you."

    And my heart just drops down to my stomach, so I prompt him, "She said what?" And he hesitates for a minute. I nudge him. "You can't just bring that up and leave it. You have to tell me now."

    He sighs and says, "She said something about how she's 80% sure you want her. And then joked about how she was going to move in with you next semester and be your lesbian lover."

    Now, on the off chance that this girl isn't actually asleep and is listening in to our conversation, my knee jerk reaction is to brush it off, "Shit, yeah, she's cute. I'd totally make out with her." When in reality I would date her so hard given the opportunity.

    And then he walked back to his place and I went to sleep in my own bed. I didn't see her until later that day, but the entire time I'm feeling mortified because oh god she knew but then at the same time like if she knew then why would she still act so flirty and suggestive with me? Whenever she'd text me that day I would be really curt and detached, and I'd told her (drunkenly) the night before that I'd model for her again that day, so I had to see her. I think she knew something was up because it was a little awkward. And for part of the shoot she had me push my bra and tank top down my shoulders basically so I'd look naked in her frame, and would come up and adjust my hair and hands say things like 'I'm sorry, I'm touching you, I know you like it" jokingly. Or I guess not actually jokingly. And any other time I saw her this weekend she would still be talking like that, and flirting, and even talked about how "yeah I totally facebook stalked you the other day."

    So I'd been holding back from texting her much because I was feeling like maybe she was thriving off this exciting new attention she was getting from a girl, and she's not actually interested in me. And then more drama happened with her ex, who came up to visit and try and talk with her and sort things this weekend, and it was all very weird. I texted her and asked her how she was doing in general at end of today and her response was "confused as usual." And since then we've been texting a little more like we had been before, and she followed up on me asking her if she wanted to go rock climbing, so we made plans to do that, and then asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night after she's off work, which is at like 1AM. Not sure if with other people or not.

    So that's where we are tonight, right now. I honestly don't really know what to think? I'm going to tell her within the next few days that I'm bi - even though obviously she already has an idea of that - just so she knows that I know... that she knows. If that makes sense. Idk do you think she's just thriving off that attention or that she might actually be interested in trying something with me...?
     
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  2. chromaticalish

    chromaticalish Active Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    So nobody replied. Rude.

    Just kidding, kind of. It’s probably because I go into unnecessary detail and basically write a novel when I talk about my life.

    Anyway, since then, Q has moved in and filled the empty room in our house. A lot of things have happened since I originally posted. A lot.

    At the end of January, we were at a party and she and I are sitting near each other a little buzzed and this really talkative, annoying drunk girl comes up to us and is like "You guys are together together, right?"

    Q and I look at each other, like, what the fuck? And I'm not actually sure who started it but we played along with her, like, "Yeah, totally." And we're laughing because annoying drunk girl is pretty drunk and really oblivious to everyone kind of subtly making fun of her. She keeps saying things like "awwww you guys are so cute together!" and "I'm really happy for you!" which in retrospect kind of endears me to her, even though she was very annoying.

    So after annoying drunk girl gets distracted and goes and bothers someone else, Q and I turn to each other like 'what in the hell?' And she says "Yeah, that was really weird. I'm not sure why she thought that."

    And in my mind I'm like okay this is it before I say "I am actually bi though, so."

    She gets this look and then says, "Yeah but I don't know how she knew about me, though."

    Something distracts us for a minute so our attention is drawn elsewhere, but the entire time I'm thinking what???? what??? ?? ? and eventually I turn back to her and lean in close to ask, "Wait, are you bi?"

    She does this little shrug and says something like "Well I mean I kind of tend to fall in love with a person regardless of gender or whatever. Like, if I like their personality."

    "So... you're pan?" I say.

    She nods. "Yeah, I guess so?"

    Plot twist?? Not straight???

    We only stay at this party for a little longer, and then head back to our house with her brother. (Funny story. Her brother was visiting for the weekend, and she was going to try and set us up.)

    So I do this thing – and I’d done this before, honestly jokingly – where I’ll lie in her bed while she’s getting ready in the bathroom and strike a ‘seductive’ pose when she walks back in, and usually we’d laugh about it and then I’d walk out and go back to my room. But this time, she laughs and then jumps on the bed and I start running my fingers through her hair and somehow it escalated from that to lights off, door closed, heavy making out in her bed?

    Um, and this wouldn’t be a problem at all… and I honestly wasn’t about to think much of it since we were drunk-ish. But then in the two days following that whole thing, she cut off contact with the ex boyfriend she had been moving towards mending things with, kissed me unprompted, dead sober, in the middle of our kitchen, so naturally, I took that kind of seriously. Drunk and sober making out happened pretty solidly in the next two weeks, and then she just kind of stopped, and said after the last time that it had been a mistake. So I was confused, not really sure where we stood, and I let that go on for a week before I confronted her (on Valentine’s Day, no less). She told me she was probably going to get back together with her ex, and that he was coming up to visit her for Valentine’s day weekend. Ouch. I spent that weekend at a friend’s house.

    (As a sidenote, I took this opportunity to come out to my family since I was a tad upset.)

    So, I was pretty pissed off, right? And in the next two months I was trying to balance managing my own emotions and guilt and embarrassment about the whole sitch, maintaining some semblance of our friendship, trying not to put our mutual friends in the middle, and even trying to maintain my friendship with her boyfriend. Even though he ended up being kind of an asshole because he told me he wouldn’t stay the night in my house with Q when he visited, and didn’t follow through with that at all.

    So things were kind of tense for two months. They facebook officially got back together, they made plans to move in together once I was gone. It was all kind of gross and I had a hard time hearing about it.

    THEN. About two weeks ago, Q is on this week and a half trip, and I see on facebook that something happened and they’re obviously broken up. Q gets back from her trip and the next morning I ask her if she’s okay. She says, “Yeah, I’m fine, I did the breaking up so I’m fine.”

    I’m kind of hesitant to talk to her about it. “Can I ask what happened?”

    She just shrugs. “I just realized how trapped I was feeling with him, and how I’m not really looking for a monogamous thing right now, and yeah.”

    So, ok. So in the next week I’m a little wary because suddenly she’s wanting to plan all this stuff together like road trips and concerts, etc. One night, we’re getting drunk with a few other people at our place, and she starts being really flirty, we’re shotgunning hookah, and then we have kind of a drunk serious talk where we admit that we hated fighting with each other during those two months, and at some point she says, “I just keep coming back to wanting to kiss you, but I don’t want things to be weird with us again… I don’t like when you’re upset with me.”

    I say, “I was upset, but not for the reasons you probably think… a lot of it honestly was me feeling guilty about [ex-boyfriend].” Which was true, but there was definitely also an element of hurt that she was responsible for.

    She just says, “Okay, well you know he’s super not in the picture anymore, right?” And she’s leaning in closer. “I’m worried if I kiss you it won’t be fair to you, I don’t want to be unfair to you.”

    And I’m just like, fuck it. “You should stop worrying so much.”

    So she leaned in and kissed me. And that’s happened since, but only while drunk… and I guess, I don’t know. Is this a bad idea? I’m not looking for a relationship with her, plus I’m leaving in like a month, and I know for sure that she’s not either. She and I are both open to and talking to other girls/guys right now. But at the same time I’m still not entirely sure where we stand. A few days ago, the day after one of the drunk make out sessions, I said, "Hey, there's not any elephants in the room or anything, right?"

    And she said, "No, I mean I don't think so. I think it's fine to not worry about it. Unless there's something you want to talk about."

    And I guess I chickened out. "No, I'm fine, just making sure. I'm good with whatever this is, hanging out and making out."

    But the thing is, we act kind of coupley sometimes, and we spend seriously so much time together, even for roommates? And I definitely nude modeled for her two days ago.

    I guess I’m scared to really talk about it because the last time I was transparent with her it was during our ‘rough patch’ and it turned into a huge fight.

    But I’d kind of like to kiss her and maybe cuddle her maybe not just when we’re drunk?

    Haaaalp, what am I doing.
     
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  3. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    This (which happens to be your life..) is an awesome read. Thanks for posting. What to do...what to do? Am.. so it seems like open and honest talking might not be the best bet at the moment as she might bolt, but you could try just kissing her when you are sober or holding her hand or what not. F**k it...why not? Try it.. You can always do it in a 'casual' way so that you can back out of it if she is all 'wtf is this?' Anyway, she kissed you dead sober in your kitchen before, so it's only fair to return the favor, in my humble opinion.
     
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    You and her have kissed, so that's a positive. She doesn't "want to do the monogamous thing" that's neither a positive or a negative it's just something that you need to remember. I agree with Moses on how you should let this play out, sober flirting means a hell of a lot more and even more than sober flirting? Sober kissing etc :)

    Good luck to you, keep us updated. Soryy for not commenting earlier I must have missed this thread when you first posted.
     
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  5. chromaticalish

    chromaticalish Active Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    Thanks Moses! Haha I'm glad it's a good read.

    I think I'll probably try that, just kissing her unprompted, dead sober. See what happens. She's in the kitchen at the moment, maybe I'll just do it right now, haha.

    The thing is, and I don't know what my deal is really, but I know I don't want a serious relationship with her, just because I don't really like relationships and I know she's kind of, well, high-maintenance... and a little dangerous. But I can't help but feel kind of jealous when she's talking to other people? Last night when we were hanging out with a few other friends at our place she got a call from someone she met a couple weeks ago and they talked in her room for almost an hour... and I couldn't help the way it just put a damper on the rest of my night, and I ended up going to bed before she even came back out. I know that's super hypocritical, because I'm doing pretty much the exact same thing.

    This is so frustrating because I have no idea how I actually feel about her. I know I feel a lot but I have no idea if they're good things or bad things. Like sometimes she's the most frustrating person on the planet so it's like I want her so badly but I kind of hate her guts?

    Also we made plans to day drink in a park today (because we're super classy). We'll probably have a couple sincere conversations since this'll be the first time drinking alone together in months.
     
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  6. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    Wow, that's interesting. You just said a whole load of stuff there that could take ages to unravel, and there is certainly a lot going on with yourselves and with the relationship (lol, i just realized that I called you guys a 'relationship'. Soz, lets call it a thing instead).

    So...a few questions:
    Re you not looking for a relationship: Do you feel like that about anybody you met at the moment, or do you feel that about her specifically? Would you like to be able to have a relationship with her if something about her/you was different..like maybe if you behaved a little differently around each other, or are you downright 'Nope, I ain't bringing her home to Mama'

    What do you like best about her: her body, her mind or her personality/persona? Is there any of those that you don't like and which of those are you most attracted to?

    (you don't have to answer these questions if you don't want to, there are just a way of me figuring out where you are coming from so that I have a clearer pic of what's going on. I find it is better to ask than assume)

    Right off the bat, I'd say (from the way you have described how conflicted your feelings for her are, and perhaps even the various levels of connection you experience with each other dependent upon your surroundings) that there is a issue around authenticity and behavior. One or both of you may not act as you feel, think, believe enough of the time and instead adopt a different, more appropriate (as you see it) or reactionary persona. Hence, who you appear to be to others is not who you are a lot of the time. The same goes for her. Does any of this ring true, or do you think I'm talking utter shite?
     
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  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    I agree with Moses but I'd just like to add that you need to have some "me time." Take a step back from all of this and just have a breath and stop your brain from running around in circles. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the "does she like me? Where do we go from here?" type thoughts that they neglect themselves. What I'm saying is in my odd little way is (and I don't mean this in a judgey way) that don't let your girl worries and wonderings be the only thing going on with you. Let yourself be you and you never know she'll see you being your awesome self :) .
     
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  8. chromaticalish

    chromaticalish Active Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    Moses - I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone right now, since I'm about to go through a huuuge transition and I don't want something to tie me down here 'cause I reaaaallly need to get out of here. Were circumstances different, say, if I knew I was going to be around for another year, I'd be open to something committed. With her specifically? I'm not really sure. She's very high maintenance as a girlfriend, and I've watched the way being in a relationship with her has kind of destroyed guys, so that doesn't really appeal to me.

    I'm definitely pretty damn attracted to her physically, and that's rare for me. As far as personality/mind, etc... I don't know. I have a lot of fun with her when we hang out, and we've had some pretty deep conversations. It's hard to say, I haven't been able to figure out whether or not both being physically attracted to someone and enjoying hanging out with them a lot equates a romantic attachment. You know?

    And I would definitely agree that there is a huge issue with authenticity, on both our parts. Like for instance I've kind of gathered that this guy she was talking to the other night is a bigger deal than she's led me to believe... when she talks about him around our friends/just about anyone else, I think she's honest about what the situation really is, but when she mentions him around me she'll say 'a friend' or imply that talking to him is pretty incidental. Kind of makes me feel like she thinks I'm a dumbass? I've been really hesitant to talk about the disingenuousness because I don't want to turn into a big deal when it doesn't need to be. Or that we'll escalate into a venemous argument, like last time.

    Nancy - I agree. I've been working on trying to have a little space, although it is kind of hard when you actually live with the person, haha... If I retreat too much she'll think I'm mad at her, which I'm not. And she's the one that initiates a lot of the stuff we do together, like this weekend we made a trip up to her hometown and I had dinner with her family. Which was, idk. A little weird.

    It's all kind of weird. I know it'd be better to talk with her about it directly instead of venting on a forum and usually I would be pretty forthright in this kind of thing, but I kind of already went down that road with her and it didn't go super well for anyone.

    Also, I didn't end up kissing her in our kitchen. Because I'm a pansy.
     
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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    I can understand why venting on a forum works for you, it helps organise you're thoughts more than just talking to your girl. It seems to me that you still have quite a bit to organise. Which is all fine and dandy :) we're here to dispense advice if you need/want it and in the meantime keep happy.
     
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  10. chromaticalish

    chromaticalish Active Member

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    Re: Is she actually interested or just flirty...

    Okay, so I talked to her. I just said something like, "Can you respect me enough to be straightforward with me?" And at first she got kind of defensive and stuff, but eventually we had a really good, honest conversation about everything that's happened and where both of us are at, etc.
    I told her I would much rather her talk about her sitch with this guy openly while I'm around, rather than pretend it's inconsequential for my sake. Because honestly that's what made it feel like a big deal to me, was because she felt like it would be a big deal to talk about around me. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    So now we're good? Last night we hooked up after drinking a bunch of pbr and I'm surprised by how casual I feel about it. So I think the rest of my time here with her should be fine, I'm not really worried. Although this whole situation has been pretty temperamental...things could suddenly change again haha..
     
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  11. HiddenTreasure

    HiddenTreasure New Member

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    What ended up happening?
     
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