Is online chatting considered cheating?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Megha, Mar 17, 2015.

  1. Megha

    Megha Member

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    DELETED....
     
    #1
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2015
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    She's not right. Cheating exists in both the physical and emotional aspects. To me, I think emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating because you can attribute a physical fling to alcohol, mistake...but there don't have to be feelings involved in a physical incident. The physical does not always require an emotional component. IMO, Emotional cheating is more of a betrayal because it's an intentional, ongoing type of thing. Don't misunderstand me -- I am of the opinion that all cheating is wrong. I just think allowing emotions to develop for someone else when you're married to someone is the worst of the worst.

    So, yes, she was cheating. She strayed outside of your marriage to find emotional support and comfort from someone who wasn't her wife. You're not being unreasonable. In fact, it seems like she's now making excuses for her bad behavior -- putting the blame on you before affirmatively seeking what she needed mentally from someone else. She should've talked to you, period, to try to resolve your issues. That's the point of marriage --for better or worse.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The only way that is not cheating is that both of you are ok with it. She cheated and blamed you for it, adding insult to injury. I think you are hoping she would discard her goto bad behaviors and be the partner that you want, which I think would take more years of counseling and therapy. But let's say she doesn't do that anymore, you guys still have issues I think.

    Some couples need family counseling just to realize that they do need to split up and not stay together just to stay with what's familiar and not to stay bitter after the separation. I hope you are able to do that with her and find some peace together and not talk about blame anymore.
     
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  4. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Talking about work/school/music/tv/hobbies/random banter to people on the internet is fine.... but what she's doing is complete emotional cheating. Not only is she 100% accountable for those actions, but it sounds as if they were also calculated moves in her mind. You say this wasn't the first girl she's chatted up, so she's done it again to (in her mind) somehow avenge whatever her issues with you are. THAT IS CHEATING MY FRIEND. Take the red flag fucking run for the hills and let her go drown in her own pool of internet relationships. Also having a "dry spell" during a relationship is beyond the dumbest excuse for cheating. Especially if it's due to a medical problem! Only a sociopath would think that gives them the right to mess around. When my wife and I started dating she was going through treatments for endometriosis. Before she had surgery there were times where "dry spells" went for months and I even wondered what the hell I walked into. But you know what? She told me from the second I met her about the condition, I did my research on what endometriosis entailed, and I made the choice to continue the relationship. And thank goodness I did because our sex life after the surgery is amazing... Cheating is never an option, it's a selfish decision.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 17, 2015
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  5. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    She's a cheater, more than once you say, then blames you for it! If you put your emotions aside you know that she is in the wrong!

    She should have been picking up extra shifts, not chatting up the hunnies if there were financial problems.

    Starting over is never easy but she destroyed what you gave her in love and trust. I used to use the phrase "taking out the trash". It's really hard to do if you really loved all of those little things that are now broken but it has to be done. Good luck
     
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  6. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    You guys should try counseling. She got emotionally attached to someone online. I find it interesting if they do meet, she could be very dissapointed- perhaps no chemistry, not who she thought she was..etc.. Are you sure they have not met? Definitely see a counselor? If she says no to that, then she needs to stop putting the blame on you!
     
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  7. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Even if she cheated on you or was horrible to you in any other way or form it's ok to grieve. When you see her you are probably reminded of the good times and why you loved her, forgetting all the negatives that happened. There's no set time to grieve like "1 year from now I will be over it!" - it just doesn't happen like that. Cut yourself some slack.

    And I agree, emotional cheating is still cheating even if it's not physical. There are plenty of articles about emotional cheating online as well from more reputable websites as opposed to the AE community's opinions. Not saying our opinions are invalid, just saying that maybe you/she will realise emotional cheating really is cheating if the facts come from a more reputable source. Kind of like some random person's opinion versus actual scientific study in a scholarly journal scenario.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Justme, it is okay just to grieve. Things have broken down between you two so much so that no therapist (because she won't agree to seeing one) study or any AE opinions can help your partner see.

    What is acceptable was something between you. It is easy to talk to a friend when things in our lives are so cluttered with reality. But it would be unacceptable to me to be hurting my partner giggling away at some flirty chat while our lives are in crisis. There are a lot of things that are acceptable between couples that are contrary to convention. It is up to the agreement with the couple. I take no pleasure in such intimate chats with someone other than my partner and my partner wouldn't like it at all. But there are couples who see that as fantasy stress relief, like the married people your ex chatted with that she felt justified to continue with. I shake my head at this and I am sorry she was a good person to you once and is no more. Be nice to yourself like others have said. I borrow heavily from what Bluenote has once said about you are the one to make yourself happy. You can do it and get through this.
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Of course married people chat online..to other people. I chat to several people who are friends and my better half most certainly knows about it and has full authority to see what I say. Hell, she has my passwords...but the difference is, we have trust. But, in your first post -- you said she was chatting...intimately.

    There's chatting...like friend chatting. Then there's chatting which extends beyond friendship which, from your first post, is how I would characterize what she's done. Why? Well, you said: "she was saying to one girl how much she loves her and how much she makes her happy and makes her forget about the real world problems"...you also describe the chatting as intimate, AND her only excuse is that her actions aren't cheating is that she hasn't met these people face to face (which IMO, is bullshit). Are her conversations open to you? Because if it were only innocent friend chatting, then she should have nothing to hide.

    You're allowing her to get away with treating you horribly while you pine for her -- she's told you she's not in love with you anymore. Dig deep and find some self respect to say "No, the way you are treating me is NOT okay." I cannot imagine putting anyone I love through such kind of emotional torment...which is what she's doing to you. Stop looking to her for your own happiness.
     
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  10. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Are you guys still living together?

    When you start having doubts again whether or not go through divorce, maybe think about what she said and what she is willing to do. That is, she doesn't love you anymore and she is NOT willing to do anything to make this work. And don't forget that she blamed you for everything that went wrong with your relationship. If you really want to move on, you need to finalize that chapter in your life. And maybe stop looking back because it's not helping you.

    Goodluck.
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I should also add an addendum to my last post (because this is bugging me)...

    Cheating...emotional or physical..happens because someone is open to the possibility of it. If two people are happy in a relationship, they aren't entertaining thoughts beyond friendship with anyone else. The difference is being able to recognize this important point. Yeah, I could see someone cute or someone would try to talk to me...but I have absolutely no interest in anyone else...so I quash that before it starts. It's flattering at most..but seriously, like I'm going to fuck up an amazing marriage for a passing fling? Ain't gonna happen. If someone is committed and not open to cheating, then it doesn't happen by accident. The impetus HAS to be there.

    Your wife clearly is open to entertaining attention in a more than friend kind of way from someone else. And that makes all the difference.
     
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  12. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Exactly my point. She's hiding something from you if she's deleting chat and call histories.

    You deserve to be treated better.
     
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  13. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I think taking that first step, that is, wanting to move on, is good. Give yourself time, you'll get to that place. Like the others said, it's ok to grieve. Just know there is a line between grieving and wallowing so maybe give yourself a time limit.

    I know how difficult it is because I've been there. What you're going through and everything you're feeling now is normal. I know it is painful but believe me, it won't always feel that way. A year from now, or maybe after a few months, you will feel different. One day you'll wake up and realize you are totally fine.

    I understand it may not be possible right now but you need to separate yourself from her physically. Because you need to separate yourself from her emotionally. And that's difficult if you see her everyday. And if you need to talk about it, get it out of your system, just post here.
     
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  14. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    That said though, people take their own time. If you pass that date that you give yourself in terms of grieving and still are - don't beat yourself up over it like "I should be over this by now!". It does take time to heal and get over past pains. But unloading it will be helpful. And as you can see here, we are all supporting you. :)
     
    #14
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  15. Salla

    Salla Active Member

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    Yes, emotional cheating is the worst thing you can go through. And woah, this sounds very familiar and reading these replies confirms my thoughts about my ex and her so called best friend and current fling. She was cheating all along, though she claims there was nothing between them. But I accidentally saw their conversations and there were things said, that sounded like they were already in a relationship. And there was a lot of hiding and a lot of rehearsing with the band (which ended up being just the two of them) and just constant chatting online for months and for hours each day and completely ignoring me, even if I asked for some attention. And all their conversations were a huge secret always and she got mad at me if I asked her what they're talking about and called me jealous and controlling.

    This place is really helping me to understand things better, thanks everyone!
     
    #15

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