Is Love Real? Feeling Sad but Selfish too

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Jay888, Jun 10, 2016.

  1. Jay888

    Jay888 New Member

    Jun 5, 2016
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    I guess like everyone, sometimes you think about the past and get a little sad but for some reason it's on my mind more than it has been in a very long time.

    The past for me was over 10 years ago when I met someone who completely changed me. I was 23 at the time.

    Without trying to describe everything I felt, it was the first time in my life I felt love. I know I sincerely felt it.

    She was a major part of my life. We worked together and we were friends outside of work too so spent every day and evenings out in each others company.

    I remember being confident, not overly or cocky but just content with who I was & how my life was at the time.

    I moved to the same town so I could be closer.

    I loved her for 3 years without telling her.

    As I write this now, I cry. Something I haven't done in many years about this. It's the first time I'm getting it of my chest so to speak as I know it's still in there.

    When I got the guts to tell her, the only love she had for me was a friend.

    I was pretty messed up at the time because over those years I was 99% certain she felt something other than friendship for me.

    After falling out for a few months we remained friends and I tried to fight my feelings. It was extremely difficult but didn't want to lose her completely. I guess I loved silently again.

    Time passes....& she hit a rough patch professionally & financially. I leant her quite a large sum of money and that's when things changed. I never got my money back and I didn't get the friend either.

    TBH, it went from bad to worse & it pretty much destroyed me. I was a complete mess for a long time. I left my job, gave up my home to move back with parents etc & wasn't in contact with her anymore.

    This was in 2010 where I remained in a well of self pity until late 2011. I know it sounds pathetic but I had no job, no friends & at the time no hope.

    In the years that have since passed I set up a successful business which I still run today.

    In 2012 I also got with someone, by accident, chance, destiny, fate, I don't know.

    It wasn't someone who I ever would have considered having a relationship with. I liked her, but never in that way. I was really reluctant but as selfish as it sounds, she was company I didn't have and a shoulder to cry on. She knew about the above & what she didn't I told her.

    We have done so much together, we always holiday and have been on so many adventures. I trust her with my life, she is my best friend, she would do anything for me I know that for sure. I guess she is everything someone could wish for.

    I love her completely for her honesty, love & friendship to me. But I feel so guilty.

    I don't know if I love her in the way she loves me or the way I should love her. We have a good solid relationship in every sense of the word but I know I don't have the same kind of love I know I could have.

    I have mentioned this to her before & it was excruciating to see her hurt. I think she knows deep down how I feel but she says she will be here as long as I want her to be.

    To just end the relationship would mean we both would be lonely & I genuinely think we keep each other going. But part of me hopes she will meet someone who loves her how she should be loved. I know I would be sad/lonely again but it would be right to know she was truly loved. I feel selfish and guilty that I think it's the friendship/company that I love that's keeping me in the relationship.

    I know she wants us to live together also and I don't know if I'm ready for this or ever will be.

    I don't think I still love the other person I talked about. I had to meet up with her four years ago. I hoped to clear the air so there wasn't any bad feeling.

    There is no more bad feeling, the money she owed me was written off and wish her well. I've not seen her since and as long as she is happy/healthy etc I can cope with her being just a feeling.

    However, I miss the love I felt that wasn't even real!!

    But, it was only not real to the other person. My love was real and it hurts to think I won't feel that love again.

    I just hope to truly love someone who loves me back. I've never had that.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Hi Jay888, I hope you don't beat yourself up on your current relationship. You are honest with her and you are setting limits and that is ok. You got had by a woman who took advantage of your interest and that is very stinky sucky all around poo-atop-muck behavior. Of course it would hurt! Ouch, man! You were supposed to be friends first of all. Even if a platonic friend had done that to me, I'd be out of sorts for a while.

    As far as the current relationship, ya, I don't think guilt would be the word. I would think that it is okay to keep things casual if she can stand it and perhaps ask her to try dating. Be her wing woman and you know, here is your chance to be a really good friend to someone who wants you but you don't exactly want her back in the same dosage. You can be kinder than kind to offset what was done to you when the shoe was in the other foot. There will be a reason to break up with her, like probably when you suddenly heal enough and find someone who knocks your sunglasses back from top of your head to your nose. You do need to clue her in on this eventuality. You have time to deal with your girlfriend and walk her gently to being this person who can find happiness and passion with someone. She is a reflection of who you were before. You are so smart to not want to move in with her.

    Good luck to you and I hope you can forget the fraud that you met earlier.

    EDIT: Sometimes, I get lost in the mechanics on how I would do something I lose my point. Of course everything you feel about your relationship now is right, it can't last. Your guilt already tells you so because it is untenable for both of you. She just doesn't want to let go yet and you are trying to figure it out with her. And I have a feeling how you deal with her will help untangle your last one-sided romance for you.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2016

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