Is it over?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by sugar_hiccup, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. sugar_hiccup

    sugar_hiccup Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I'm a 49-year old woman in a relationship with a 43-year old woman. We've been together for about 10 months, and we seem to be getting closer emotionally. However, for the past 4 – 5 months, we only have sex about once a month. I would like more and I'm frustrated. She's hesitant to kiss me, or let me touch her breasts. I'm not a grabby person by any means, just very attracted to her but she doesn't seem to feel the same way.

    In the beginning, we had sex all the time, and she really liked me to be the pursuer. She says I'm the best sex she's ever had. But now she speculates that with closeness, she loses sexual interest. She seems to want to stay with me, but the lack of sexual interest seems like a bad sign to me. A few days ago I asked if she was attracted to a co-worker she recently had lunch with, and she said no, but if she were single, she'd definitely be attracted to another co-worker. And that she'd imagined that the reason the head of her organization was out sick was because of her extreme desire for this co-worker.

    At the time I thought it was cute, but now I'm getting annoyed that I'm getting no action, while she's already kinda sorta thinking about other women. She's a sweet girl with nice friends and I'm trying to be understanding, but am starting to feel like a sucker, like I'm just there to coddle her and be her companion for when she wants to do stuff and doesn't want to be alone.

    In the winter, she said she didn't feel sexual because winter depression, and I just need to be patient. Now it's health/stress issues. The exception was the week we were out of the country on vacation together; during that week, she was really interested, like in the beginning.

    Her last serious relationship was almost 20 years ago, and since then (she says) she usually knows within 2-3 months she doesn't want to be with someone, but still hangs on because she's attached, but inevitably dumps them within 9 months.

    She says it's different with me, and I guess I believe her. But my relationship experience has been serial monogamy, with relationships lasting 2 -4 years, and sexual interest lasting AT LEAST a full year, and certainly not going to a once-a-month schedule. Even though I don't consider myself particularly sexual. So I'm finding her story a bit difficult to understand.

    I've been reading “Savage Love” too long to seriously consider having an affair, and I'm not sure about opening the relationship. Basically, I'm considering ending it. I feel like I don't have a good idea of what's going on in her head (I'm not sure she knows, either), and it's eating away at my trust. I think one day she's just going to have weaned herself off me and that'll be it. Meanwhile, I could be out meeting people and maybe finding someone who's on the same wavelength as me....

    Before I give up though I guess I'd like to hear from someone who might be able to explain HER point of view.

    Thanks for listening! :)
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I can't explain her point of view. Only she can explain her point of view.

    but let me get in touch with my inner dan savage, here. If sex is important to you, you shouldn't settle for a sexless relationship. If intimacy (touching, making out) is important to you, you shouldn't settle for a non-intimate relationship.

    she shouldn't be forced into doing anything she doesn't want. but you shouldn't have to go without, either.

    Now, it would be different if you guys were married for 10 years, she suddenly didn't want to be intimate because she was sick, etc...

    but that is not your situation. your situation is, you are dating someone that you are not sexually compatible with. she is not likely to change. you are not likely to change. long term, it doesn't seem like this will be a satisfying relationship for either of you.
     
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  3. Kokab

    Kokab New Member

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    I love her, but I don't know if I can trust her to communicate how she really feels. I've no clue if she now "really loves me, because she fears losing me" and I have been very good to her.
     
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  4. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    This is from like 6 months ago, you're still having problems?

    Some questions:
    Do you live together?
    Has sex stopped completely?
    Does she have a mood disorder? (depression/anxieties)
    Medical condition?
    Have you even tried at all to talk to her about this? (or have you just assumed she'll never honestly tell you?)

    I can't speak for your gf, only she can explain HER point of view. I can say, if my gf were saying what you're saying, I would want to hear it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where SIX MONTHS ago you were in doubt posting on a forum, and SIX MONTHS later you're still in the same position?

    Maybe you should try some couples counseling?
    Maybe it's time to accept things aren't working and stop wasting eachothers time?
    Or give a timeline of change... Say things get better in 3 months and stay together or break up if not (you both have to be extremely honest and each be willing to change for this to actually work, and usually entails a round or 2 of couples counseling)
     
    #4
  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think it's from more like a year and a half ago. I'm not clear if Kokab is the OP here. Or if it is a weird random thread dredge.

    I'd like to help Kokab, but she hasn't really given enough information to go on.
     
    #5
  6. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    2013.... Oh yeah it's 2015 now even... Where's my dunce cap?

    I would love to know what goes through these peoples minds when they post sometimes...
     
    #6

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