Is it me? Or her?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Artiefartie, Apr 30, 2014.

  1. Artiefartie

    Artiefartie Member

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    Hi,

    So, I would really appreciate some objectiveness into my situation.
    I've just been really irritated at my girlfriend for the last period, even if I don't really want to I can't seem to control my reaction at some of her behavior. I'll explain a little bit of my issues. I'm fully aware that I might be a too demanding girlfriend but I'm in my late 20's and I just feel I'm not in the state to have a relationship on a kindergarten level.

    So the latest thing that's been getting on my nerve is her new friend, that came out of no-where. Apparently they've had a thing together earlier (the first version my gf told me was that they have only kissed, then she said that it was nothing.. So in the end I really don't know what their history is). So this friend has two kids, married to a man (their relationship isn't to good). Well, I don't have any issue with my gf having such close contact to her friend, she explained herself that her friend needs some support because of her bad relationship to her husband. Which makes sense to me, I fully accept it. However, my gf is constantly at the phone, txt messaging to this friend up to 00.00 at night. The first thing in the morning she does is see if she have received any messages from her. I came back from my home country after have spent 1 week with my family which i only see twice a year, and I'm back at our apartment and my girlfriend was to come back to our apartment (room) we live together in. And I see her from the window, so I thought i'll come down because I was excited to see her. And then she's not getting out of the car yet because she is texting this friend again "to say that the has arrived safely" or something like that... For me it just doesn't make sense. And we both work and perhaps see each other first at 20 o clock, and for me that means we come home to talk to each other and spend time, but i just feel constantly interrupted because as fast as she hears the messanger sound she just reacts and answers her phone and just listens to me with one ear.
    And I've just noticed lately that things I inform her about or tell her, she's not registering. And I just feel neglected, that's disrespectful. And when I sometimes ask her about certain things I find "weird" or doesn't make sense, such as something she have told me, or where she have been. She makes another story or says that she doesn't remember she have said that.
    Also when I was away for the week, she went with her ex-girlfriend to see a friend of our who just got a baby. And that she also apparantly forgot that she have done. And the weird thing is that I've asked if we both can go visit our friend since she just had a baby, but no... So I can't figure it out if she's just so naive, or perhaps it's nothing and I'm reading into it to much.

    She says she loves me, and she never loved someone like that before. At the same time earlier in the relationship I've had to deal with the saying when somebody have asked us about our relationship she has always said "Ah, we will see. You never know what will happen in the future". And for me ok, perhaps that's how reality looks like but it's not the words i'm looking to hear from my girlfriend.

    And then another issue of mine is her contact with her family, I love that she is close to her family. Cause that's something I dont have now since I moved to this country for studies and stayed longer because of her. Anyhow, she's at her parents everyday. Because she goes home to eat dinner, every friday-saturday she goes home because she plays soccer there close by (it's 40min drive to her from us) . And every saturday she also need to help her mum with cleaning the house even though the technically doesn't live there. But she never seems to bother to clean our room or doing the washing, that's my job. And she says she loves her mums cooking so she cant bother to cook herself, so i'm basically feeling sometimes that I live on my own because I do my own grocery's, I cook for myself and eat by myself. And Sunday's are usually the day's she actually need to do some shopping in order to eat, but it usually end up with us going out because she can't be bother to cook.

    And I'm just thinking in my head if it will be like this forever, even though I'm an relationship I feel somewhat alone.

    Also, I'm finishing my studies and I need to think about my future. I know the language on an ok level, and perhaps I would be able to find some work within my field here however I would earn 5-7 times less because it's a poorer country. And my family back home keep asking me what my future plans are, because they would really want to see me get a good job and also close to them for a while (i have lived away for 8 years).
    And, one thing I feel is also that my family as concerned about my future. They ask because they care, even though it's pressing at times when as my girlfriend doesn't ask. She thinks i'm growing money on tree's or something. She doesn't really ask what I would like to do, if she can help me find jobs or show me what services are best to use when applying or help me translate my cv. Even though I would in the end manage to fix this myself, I just feel she could bother with atleast a question.

    Sometimes when I want to discuss the future with her she also just shuts down, or even with relationship questions she just shuts down or says she doesnt feel like it and get's angry at me. As for me communication is important, and i feel if you have something pressing on your heart you should let it out and talk/discuss it openly without any arguing etc. I just want to know her thoughts and opinions as well as I want her to hear me out, if i keep pressing something inside me it will just get worse.

    I've told her about how I feel about her friend, and I've tried to give her examples with her parents (Do you see your mum doing this to your dad etc.) Also, her jokes are sometimes hardcore, maybe i'm primitive but my gf joking that i'm ugly or when I go see a friend (man), she just give me untasty phrases such as oh did you f*** each other and did you do this to him, oh I know you like him etc. I know this is an reaction of jealousy, but since this is not my homeland I have a handfull of friends that I feel good with and this is one of them so it just hurts when she gives me this, because then i feel bad and feel. Ah okej perhaps i wont go see him that often because she doesn't feel good about it...

    Well, I know this was a long post. But I'm so lost, and my family are also noticing that i'm not myself lately that I'm lost. But one part of me is lost because I can't make future plans, because my gf can't seem to discuss things with me openly without leading it into an argument. And I want her in my future, but we can't seem to make any plans. Because she's overall happy with her life, she's comfortable, she has her family close, her work her friends and she doesn't require more. Where as I'm in a different place. I need to search for a job, not sure if ill find one here, and I would like to travel and explore the world with her as well. I would like us to get our own apartment (not living with others) etc. (But with the salary here, we wont be exploring the world).
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Time and attention wise, your gf already has a mistress. It doesn't sound like you guys currently connect on a deep level. She might as well be reading a paper and saying "un huh" the way she goes about it with the phone. This is fixable if you try to establish some boundaries and maybe compromise on things. However, I am exhausted reading the list of things I would find off-putting and most importantly you don't spend time and talk now and she is not showing you a future that you will spend time and talk.

    I would make plans where I will have a future and in a place where the living standards suit me.

    edit: Also, there is a reason she gets upset and doesn't want to plan a future. Just in the little time you took to post, you have spoken a lot about going back to your home country. Maybe you don't do that as much around her, but she might have picked that up over time that you scream leaving and so all the things that she does right now is her screaming that she is staying. She might not even want to have to confront that as a choice. Choosing you over geography or visa versa is probably going to be painful. Just my 2 more cents on this.
     
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