Invited her out for a beer--my treat--then she paid. What?? ??

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Plane Jane, May 21, 2016.

  1. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    This is probably so stupid, but I'm a shy introvert, and a late-gay-bloomer, and completely new to this and am pretty clueless anyway, and I don't know how to interpret things people do.

    For the last few months I've been trying to flirt with this woman. (I'm about 97.9% certain she's gay.) I don't know if she can tell I'm flirting or if I'm just coming across as friendly; she's always nice and talks to me, but it's always me who starts the conversation.

    About a month and a half ago I was asking her some questions, and she said it was a long story and we'd have to grab a beer sometime to tell it. I got shy and just said, "That would be good," then waited to see if she'd bring it up and say let's have that beer, but she didn't. Finally about a month after she mentioned it I worked up the courage, texted her (never texted her before) and said, "Hey, you up for that beer? I'll treat if you'll tell that story." I fully believed she'd say no, but she said yes. We went and had lunch and a beer and talked and it was fun and really nice. But I had made it clear that it was my treat and I meant that, and then when the waitress came with the check she grabbed it and she paid for both of us. I couldn't really stop it without making a scene.

    What does it mean that she paid? Does it mean anything?

    I wondered if it meant she wanted to be done with it and not feel like she "owed" me one or something, or feel like she had to hang out with me again? But then, as we walked out to our cars she mentioned another restaurant in town and said, "We'll have to go there sometime," so that's like she would hang out again, right? I don't think she's the type to say that just to be nice.

    I texted her later that evening and said thanks again for lunch but that I owed her one--hoping I could nail down some kind of plan for going to the other place soon--and she replied, "No, it was just nice to hang out. Have a good weekend." Saw her only very briefly the next week and she's been away on vacation since then.

    Why would she pay when I was going to?

    What should I do when I see her? Should I bring up hanging out again, or wait and see if she mentions it?

    And what does "hanging out" mean? Is that completely just a friend thing, or is it a dating thing? (Yes, I am truly that clueless--shy introvert, remember.)

    Sorry! Thanks!
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Ok, so you are way overthinking this.

    Asking someone out for a beer -- whom you are sure is gay -- does not necessarily translate as a date. Nothing you've said suggests to me that you were on a date. Instead it appears you were having lunch and a beer with someone who's acting very friendly.

    That she paid does not mean that this is a date. It could mean that she's just being nice. It could mean that she might've figured out that you were looking at this as a date and she was doing something to suggest otherwise. But It does not necessarily mean anything at all.

    When the lunch ended and she's said "It was nice to hang out." I'm thinking she made it clear that she did not view the situation as a date. Hanging out is a friend thing -- not a dating thing. Unless during the hanging out both of you send each other signals that there's more. If there's no romantic or sexual tension -- probably not a date.

    I get that you're an introvert -- but introvert or not, the only surefire way to tell if something is a date is to communicate with the other person. Don't assume that what you intend as a date is perceived the same way by the other person. Also -- don't project your feelings onto someone else. You need to pay attention and observe how she interacts with you -- body language...is she looking you in the eye? Is she close to your or distant? Is she doing anything that could remotely be considered flirting? Or, is the situation tense, awkward? Is conversation forced? There's no "instruction manual" for flirting, so my advice is to follow her lead and just pay attention to the subtleties. You might like this girl a hell of a lot, but if she's giving you nothing in return...i.e. did she rush out after lunch or was there something more like a hug?...does she initiate texts or conversations with you on her own...well, then unless she gives you something more, she's probably not viewing the situation as a date. Suggesting you hang out again -- likely is just a friend thing if she's giving you nothing more.

    I know what it's like to be clueless and not pick up on someone flirting with me....I had a girl once walk by me in a bar and put her hands on my waist (one on one side and one on the other) as she was walking by me and 15 minutes later after she was gone did I realize she was flirting with me. I kicked myself for the missed opportunity. But, unlike what you've described...she was giving me a clear signal that I was too stupid to recognize.

    And by the way...friends and I will often say "I've got this one" in terms of paying....doesn't mean we owe each other anything.

    Hang in there....the whole "is this a date?" thing is probably a question that most of us on here have had at one time or another.
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I agree with @Spygirl that you are over thinking one gesture.

    Sometimes dating is clear 'yes, this is a date.' But other times it evolves organically - friends hang out, attraction forms...

    Just hang out with her some more. And, like Spygirl said, notice her behavior. Is she dressed really 'special,' is she freshly showered or wearing perfume/ cologne? Is she nervous? Does she flirt? Does she smile at you a lot, or do you catch her looking at you?

    I get that you are an introvert (I am one too). But introversion doesn't mean you can't have people/ dating skills.

    I suggest you push beyond your comfort level and get some experience dating. Do online dating, go to meet ups, gay groups, etc... Sure, you will have dating disaster stories. But you also will develop a sense for when someone is into you, etc...
     
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  4. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    Thanks Spygirl and Bluenote, I really appreciate it! Thanks for being so patient and understanding.

    I do overthink things. If I calm down and look at it objectively, with your help, it seems very clear it's a friend thing for her. And I'm OK with that. I can chill and just hang out; totally cool. (But not suggest "netflix and chill," right, because that means sex? That's why I wondered about "hanging out"--whether it meant a date in a newfangled way that I didn't realize. Because I'm old and don't know some shiz like that.)

    May I ask you this, though: She hasn't initiated the conversations or texts. Should I suggest hanging out again/going to the other restaurant, or just see if she brings it up? I don't want to be a nuisance.

    Thank you!
     
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    Last edited: May 22, 2016
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    If you're okay with the friend thing, then sure...I'd suggest it but I'd be clever about it. She suggested the restaurant in the first place..but I'd give it some time. Make it sound like an "oh by the way, remember when you said you'd like to try that place..." Not necessarily in those words but downplay the situation and make it casual...that way she won't perceive that you're thinking of it as anything more. This way you can observe her one more time to see if there's anything beyond friendship there...

    Nothing ventured....nothing gained....perhaps something comes of this (i.e. a good friend, maybe more)....but you've got nothing to lose either.
     
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    Last edited: May 24, 2016
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  6. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    I think it's her way of saying that she wants to see you again to be honest. Next time you text, don't immediately ask her-make her ask you out. Then go out, you pay and agree to share the bill next time.
     
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  7. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    Oh! Thanks! I like your opinion very much! I do hope that's the case, but I'm afraid it's probably not.

    Well, I mean, yeah, I'd infinitely prefer a relationship involving some of that banging that @Bluenote is always talking about, but I don't know if I have much choice. Since reading your replies, I've been thinking back over all of my interactions with this woman and can't honestly say I believe she's feeling it as anything other than a potential friendship. Which I think I've known all along, but I can get myself all worked up and thinking there's more to it, because I'd like so much for there to be more to it.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Given your situation there is nothing wrong with self banging and getting to where you can move somewhere where it is safe to be out.

    I grew up in a very conservative place. Initially it sucked moving to Ye Olde Newe England (few friends, really broke, skeezy apartment with no heat, slept on the floor under my coat because I had neither bed nor warm blankets). But I had a decent job and could be out, so I was able to save up money and work the other stuff out.

    It can take time to get into a better situation. There are plenty of women who post here who need to finish college / get financially independent / deal with a health crisis / etc... before they can fully come out. One day, I want it where people don't have to move, don't have family drama, etc... over coming out. But until that day comes, people have to find balance between working towards being in a more accepting situation and just staying safe in the here and now.
     
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  9. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    Thank you, Bluenote. (I think you're responding to some things about my situation that I had written in a post above and then got kinda shy about and edited out (sorry).) Thank you for your advice and encouragement, I really appreciate it. It must have been hard to move to Ye Olde Newe England, such a different world from a conservative place. I'm so glad everything worked out well for you! Even though it sucked at first, was it exciting, too?

    One of the hardest things about where I am right now is just how utterly lonely it is. (Thanks for talking to me!) I have some very nice and accepting friends but they can't really understand and it's hard not having someone to talk to, among other things. Which is why I'm in such a tizzy about this girl. (I had edited out from the prior post that I meet very few date-able women, and haven't really been attracted to the ones I have met.) Because she's amazing--so smart, funny, interesting--everything. AND I've never been so attracted to someone. I just want her to like me (that way) so bad! :) Ultimately, if she doesn't, she doesn't, but what kills me is it's if my own dumb shy & introverted awkwardness (which is compounded by how much I freaking want her to like me) that does me in.

    Thank you, again!

    Yes, well...ahem...at least that situation is well in hand. :rolleyes:




     
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    Last edited: May 25, 2016
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You know what? You're here...although an anonymous board, you're pouring your heart out to strangers trying to make sense of women (is this really possible?) and trying to figure out the whole dating thing. For that, I applaud you -- it takes some serious guts to put yourself into a situation where others could potentially judge you.

    @Bluenote is an amazing person -- and she seems to have come through her struggles unscathed. Although we disagree as to things like...the *cough* New England Patriots *cough*, she's a great friend (online and otherwise). When I read her advice...many times I'm blown away by how thoughtful it is. I am so very glad you're taking her insight and experience to heart.

    And I'll just add my .02 ...which really isn't much, because what more can I say? Maybe don't try so hard. Be yourself -- and be confident in who you are, even if you do happen to be an introvert and shy (there's nothing wrong with that). This girl..or another amazing one will eventually realize there's more to you than friendship. :) I'm not convinced that it's over with this girl...maybe there's more..maybe not...but at least take her up on the offer to try the new place so you can get more information.

    Hang in there.
     
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  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    An inspiring story, indeed!
     
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  12. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    Thanks Spygirl!
     
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  13. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for all the kind words. Not really sure that I live up to that, but I appreciate the vote of confidence.
     
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