Intrusive Sister

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Cate94, Mar 29, 2016.

  1. Cate94

    Cate94 Member

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    Hey everyone

    My sister is 18 bi phobic and asks very intrusive questions. We've never been close. When I came out she said that I can't just choose to be bi. She's very critical of me. I've never discussed my relationships with her being that she's four years younger. And it's none of her business. She's repeatedly asked intrusive questions about my sex life and who I've slept with. A few days ago she asked if I'm going to marry my current partner (we've been dating for 7 months). I mostly try to avoid interacting with her but her questions really throw me off.

    Any suggestions?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If your parents are still in the picture, you maybe hearing your parents through her. Sometimes a sibling would parrot the tone and issues the parents have with you. It does not mean your parents are awful, just that they may have wondered about it too and didn't want to ask and it leaks out in their interactions with each other or your sister.

    Otherwise, I think she is just quite curious and doesn't want to sound that way. So she approached you with her nose all wrinkly about it. If thinking of it that way helps you to be more comfortable with her questions then great. Otherwise, if saying over and over you don't like talking about it because it is personal does not work, turn the table on her and ask her intimate details on her own life and be relentless and do it once just for demonstration's sake. Hope that helps. Sisters are very important in your life as you get older and I hope you guys can find a way to mend fences. I sincerely hope that she is merely curious and not really phobic about who you are.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Knee-jerk redirection:
    "Hey, not really your business."
    "Ugh, do you ask all our family members about their sex lives?"
    "I promise, when I want you to know that, I will tell you."
    "Yeah, not telling you that."

    If all you want is for her to stop asking... be a broken record. If she learns that you will not give her this information and that you will call her on her rudeness when she asks super personal questions in a critical/invasive way, she will eventually stop asking. (She may try to get information in other ways, but those are other problems.)

    Ways to say what's really going on:
    "I'm really not comfortable with these super personal questions, especially with the way you reacted when I came out."
    "You've been asking me a lot of very personal questions since I came out, and I'm wondering if there's more than just curiosity underlying this. Why do you want to know so bad?"
    "Look, Sister, I don't like the way you've been interrogating me, but I get that you maybe feel that you need this info. How about you and I get some coffee and chat, and maybe we can work up to having the kind of relationship where we share things that personal."
     
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  4. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    I think both of the above answers are really great so definitely have a look and see what feels more comfortable to you.

    Personally I always appreciate my bro so much more when I hear these kind of stories because it would seem like the strangest thing to me if he ever did or said any of these things. But anyway, that's not the point! I know that right now your sister probably seems like a very annoying and judgemental person you feel like you can't trust with a big part of who you are. I'm fairly sure that it'll pass, however, and that in a few years you might end up being each other's rocks. I hope so for your sake :)

    As for now, pick whichever approach you think may work the best. Whether it's the flat-out redirection (knee-jerk as lorienczhiu put it haha) or reverse role of suddenly asking her all the same type of questions. Or sitting down together and talking through things in a deeper conversation that might sound really cringy at first, but maybe all her judgemental and intrusive comments actually stem from her own insecurity and considering you're her older sister she probably still looks up to you or seeks a sense of stability from you/sees you as a type of role model.
    Maybe it's simply a clash of how she's seen you this whole time and the sudden reality of discovering that you're not exactly like she pictured and the 'social stigma' around it. I don't know, obviously I'm just throwing ideas around but for someone that young to be so intense about these things, I really do think it comes from somewhere or something else. So if you guys manage to talk openly together about it you might have a good chance at reconnecting.
     
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  5. Cate94

    Cate94 Member

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    Thank you all for the answers and advice this helps a lot. I'll be sure to try some of these out!
    -Cate94
     
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