insecurities or is she cheating?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by marieflyers33, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. marieflyers33

    marieflyers33 New Member

    Jan 24, 2020
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    I caught my girlfriend in a small lie and now Im not sure how to feel about her. Im getting extremely paranoid although besides our one incident, she hasnt given me any reason NOT to trust her. So, now I don't know how to make this feeling go away but I want it to because I care for her so much and am (afraid to say) falling really hard for her. Im not sure if its safe to use the L word, but its close and its scaring every inch of me.

    I just began dating this girl my friends introduced me to back in November. It had been about 3 years since I was in an a relationship so I was really hesitant about meeting this girl. I was told she wasnt looking for anything serious and I thought this was a chance to take it slow should it not be there for us. So, we finally are introduced at a party. We barely spoke and I had assumed she wasnt too into me. My friends gave me grief about not having socialized with her more and had assured me she was looking forward to talking to me. (I was a little buzzed at this party so I avoided her because of this)

    So the following week my friends set up another day for us to all hang out. I had no idea she was coming and had already began drinking. So, at the end of the night after talking most of the night she asked if I wanted a ride home. She seemed a little too much into me and it scared me so I said I was fine to leave. Turned out we lived 4 blocks from eachother so she followed me home. I thanked her and she was like okay...clearly youre not gonna do it, so she took my phone and gave me her number. I was wrapping up my last few weeks of the semester so I let her know we'd hang out as soon as I had my studies all taken care of. She told me she was happy to wait. So, we would text throughout the day. Not all the time, but I could tell she was into me. So one night she randomly text me to meet her at a pub close to our house. I go and meet her and at the end of the night after hanging out we kissed. I could tell she wasnt ready but I just went for it. The following day, she showed up at my house with coffee (because I had a final that day and was panicking) and we made out. After that final she invited me over and we spent a few hours just cuddling and making out. I was reading her body language and just went for it. We ended up sleeping together and afterwards we just laid there staring at eachother. It was here that I could just sense the way she was cuddled under my arm and the way she was looking at me was scary. Cause I felt like....oh shit. This girl seems to really like me and Im just here happy I got some. She got rather clingy and I spoke to my friends about how I felt she was definitely getting feelings for me. I was at the time scared, to take that plunge with someone but I began really liking her. So from there we were stay over at eachothers places. Going on random dates and it was great. My friends were like dude, you guys are perfect and she really likes you. I thought I wasnt doing enough so I really tried to step up my feelings for her. She told her parents about me, had all her friends dying to meet me and what not. One night we were out and we ran into her older sister...the minute her sister saw me she was like omg my sister likes you so much! She hasnt stopped talking about you and your career etc. Her family is supportive...only my sibilings are. So Feeling behind, I told my sisters. She met two of them and assured me we were heading in a great direction. After about a month and a half of this I finally asked her if she wanted to be my GF. She freaked out and was like....idk if im ready for this. She then explained to me about how she had never been in an official relationship. She spent two years in europe and had been in 'open' relationships because of her traveling. We got into an argument about this and I told her it was fine...but an hour later she showed up at my door crying telling me she wanted to be with me and ONLY me but needed to process her feelings. So, I gave her space and time. By the next day she told me she was ready and liked me so much and had never felt like this about a person. We waited a bit to make it official, but did a few weeks later. She told all her friends, her parents etc.

    She had told me she suffered from really bad depression and me being someone that honors her alone time, told her I was here for her and her depression or anxiety was something she NEVER had to apologize to me for. She had a couple days where she was super distant and I thought something bad. So she told me it was was her.

    We hadnt gone out for dinner and stuff (which shes a total home body) in a while and I set up a dinner for us. She started off telling me she always wanted me over and was suddenly canceling plans or telling me she was going straight to sleep. Well on this particular night, I had parked my car at her place because she assured me we were going to meet. I left with a friend that works around the corner to kill time. it was about midnight and she text me that she was tired and going to bed...sorry to cancel again. So, I told her it was fine and my friend gave me a ride back to her place. I had text her asking if she was home and a few seconds after I sent that text I saw her pull in. She replied back. 'No im not home yet'
    She told me to come over the next morning because we were gonna go to breakfast, and that shed be home soon but again going straight to bed. I couldnt understand why she would lie to me about this but didnt say anything and just went straight home pissed off. Shes from a small town and a few days prior had a bunch of friends (including her mother) come visit her. I met even more of her friends and even her mother! But she also mentioned some kid she used to work with that was starting college the following semester. Ive never felt the need to ask her who she is with or where she is. But once I heard her friends talking about this kid and how he was a hot mess, it kinda scared me she was going to hang out with him. She reassured me he was just a friend and a child at that. That he was just some kid that used to smoke with her and her friends.

    I knew she had been talking to him and they were planning on meeting up. So the next morning she mentioned that he had gone by early in the day to pick up something from her place....I kind of felt like HE is the reason our plans were cancelled. He had been harassing her to hang out. He was a GF and when she told me they were gonna hang she was like he has a gf...whom he constantly cheats on, but hes just a friend.

    That morning she could sense that I was in a strange place and so I finally told her what I saw. She told me he had come over but left right away. Again, just picking something up. She cried and told me she only wanted to be with me and then was like...if I was trying to play you would you think Id introduce you to all my friends and mom that same week? She was crying so much and told me she didn't know what would happen in our relationship (because she plans on traveling more) but did not want to end our relationship. And this is why she has been so distant. She said that her feelings for me have been really growing and it scares her that once I graduate and have a career that I wont want to date her or that I wont want to try to work things out while she leaves for a few months on travel. Things had been awkward but we talked through them and seem okay. We had a wonderful dinner a few days ago where she basically told me why hadnt been in a relationship and that I should consider the fact that theres a possibility that I like her more than she likes me.

    I dont know how to feel and I dont know what the future holds in store for us. She told me she saw me in her life the next few years yet makes conversation like...when youre married to someone or your future wife and making it sound like its not her. I dont know if shes doing this as a way to protect her feelings or actually doesnt see a future for us.

    She is wonderful despite her depressive episodes. Shes so good to me and I absolutely love making love to her and waking up with her and although I am not looking to move in together anytime soon (I told her I wanted to go with the flow) Im starting to feel like maybe Im a joke to her? Or like....just some fling? and its making me paranoid and im fighting these feelings because as I said, outside of the small lie, she hasnt given me any reason to think shes seeing someone else and I believe her when she tells me. My friends say the same thing...they dont think shes lying and she is constantly telling them how much she loves being with me.

    Ive been cheated on before and the 6 year age difference between us (shes 23 Im 29) is making me think shes just playing games. becasue when I was her age, I was a child and a mess. She is SIGNIFICANTLY more mature that I was at that age and I try to remind myself this, but now I cant get this lump in my throat to go away. Again, I dont think shes cheating but I am starting to wonder WHY i feel like this and maybe it is my own paranoid self of being hurt in the past? How can I talk to her about this and do you all think shes playing some game? Im tired of going through it in my head.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Well I would say that you are somewhat in different places in life. She is not really ready to commit but likes you enough to make an attempt. You are afraid to commit but somehow where you are in life tells you that you should try to give it a go.

    If you are catching her in such ambivalence and cancelling you to meet with someone else then this is not a place to start. Sadly, I think I would let this one go and maybe you can be friends. She also may have mood swings that made her all manic about having you in everything in her life and the next day start canceling plans. I am sorry, maybe the next person you meet would be a better match.
    Spygirl likes this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    Here's the thing...I believe one knows if she wants to be with someone; if someone is Ms. Right Now or Ms. Right or future wife or just a fling....

    I think she likes you. I don't get the sense that she's playing you. But, I don't think she likes you enough to talk about or plan a future with you. Like @greylin said, I think you're in different places in life. At 23, I could not see myself tied down to just wasn't who I was, especially since I felt like I had so much to see and explore and build a career, etc.

    She may be pulling away a bit because she senses that the balance of the relationship is not equal -- that you might like her more than she likes you -- and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or she doesn't know just how to convey that you're in different places in life. She may be pulling away because although she likes you, she's trying to let you down easy to manage your expectations.

    Sometimes we find ourselves getting so caught up in thinking about the future that we forget to enjoy what's here now. If you don't see your plans going in the same direction, it's better to be honest about what this relationship is...if you want to continue it.
    greylin likes this.
  4. lianot

    lianot New Member

    Feb 4, 2020
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    Try to believe her. Try your best. Otherwise, distrust will ruin all your relationships

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