Insecure with bisexual partner

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Excalibur, Oct 31, 2015.

  1. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    I am 27, my girlfriend is 46, we have been together for a year and a half I have always been a little insecure as before me she had only slept with men but says she always knew she was gay. I cannot understand how a lesbian can have sex with a man and have questioned her on this, I know I could not do it, so I asked if she was bisexual her response was that she did not want to start and argument. From this answer I believe the answer to my question is yes she is bisexual.
    I have been working in this issue but when she was out last weekend, I found out she was standing at a bar chatting to a man she had in her bed, when she got home she then was sending private messages to him. I wasn't staying with her at home that night and she has admitted that if I hadn't found out she wouldn't have told me she spoke with him.
    Since then my insecurities regarding her sexuality have doubled and I feel after her actions last week that I cannot trust her.
    I would appreciate some help on the issue as I don't want to throw something real away over me being silly but I don't want to drive myself crazy either!!

    Thanks
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Would you have felt the same way if she had hit ladies clubs on a night you don't spend together talking a woman she had slept with and messaging her afterwards without letting you know herself?

    If you feel the same in the above scenario then you have 2 problems. One is how you two agree to conduct your relationship and the other is that you are not confident she is really gay.

    I don't have a good gut on this because of no. 1. I have a feeling you are not in the stages or concerns on what a committed relationship look like. Maybe you can converge on that but I think it would cause strife.
     
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  3. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    Thanks for your reply, I would have felt the same feeling and emotions if it was a woman but maybe not as strongly.
    Am I wrong to expect that she wouldn't speak to people like this? Especially not be sending private messages.
    She told me she instantly regretted her actions the next day and only done it because she was drunk, which doesn't fill me with much confidence.
    I have made it perfectly clear my expectations and opinion on what's acceptable and what isn't.
    We are currently getting on ok but I have not stopped thinking about everything.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I don't think it is a right or wrong but what you two agree to and whether you like your gf getting drunk and doing things she regrets. Is it a norm for her to go out and get drunk?
     
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  5. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    Well we like to go out together but we go out seperately once or twice a month, and yes she likes a drink
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Even if your feelings are not always supported by fact and it started off with a bias, your feelings are still important to address. I think your lack of confidence in her can push her towards an attraction she had always counted on. If her behaviour this time is a one time thing then it maybe the insecurity giving her an extra push. For me, the drinking past inhibitions is worrisome.
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    27 to 46 is a huge age difference. That alone is kinda a red flag for me.
     
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  8. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    think this is just doomed and maybe best getting out sooner than later. I will always have trust issues with her and when she believes it's ok to bring her past into her life how she did I will never get over my issues!
    Thanks
     
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  9. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    agreed!!
     
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  10. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Be sure you want to go that route.Breaking up is never easy.Get a VERY clear perspective on your relationship before you decide to end it.Yes the age gap is huge but love can be found in many places,so long as all the ingredients to sustain a good relationship are there...
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Wow....your issues need to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with anyone, period. I think your assumptions and your views on a few things are really skewed.

    1. First and foremost, you're WAY too caught up in labels. Whether she's gay or bisexual -- she's in a committed relationship with you. Worrying over how she identifies will do nothing except cause you stress. And hello, who we sleep with is not indicative of our sexual orientation. I've slept with guys -- and I'm going to go so far as to say that I really didn't think it was the worst thing in the world. Does that make me bisexual? Maybe in some people's eyes..but I identify as a lesbian, am married to a woman, and have no interest in sleeping with men and haven't done so in MANY MANY MANY years. That you cannot get over that she had a past -- is your problem alone because guess what...she can't change it. You need to accept her for who she is.

    2. I think you have major insecurity issues. If you're the type of person to act weird just because she happened to talk to a guy she once slept with -- then I don't blame her for not telling you because it just leads to you getting upset like you're doing here. I also think your issues with insecurity are going to thwart your prospects at having a healthy relationship with anyone. I can attest -- having once been in a relationship with a very insecure and jealous woman -- that your actions are only going to serve to push her away. I am friends with a guy, with whom I was once in a relationship (like 20 years ago). We run in the same professional circles -- and we're both now married to other people. That I talk to him and occasionally work with him in matters is a non-issue for all involved. By all means, if she gives you a reason to distrust her -- then that's a problem -- but if in general you have trust issues which have no real basis -- then maybe this is something you should work on for yourself.

    3. Your age difference is a red flag. I can't see how someone in her mid-40's would have anything in common on want to be with someone in her 20's. Life experience is far too different....and let's face it: her past is almost the same amount of time that you've been alive. She's got 20+ years of real world experience and relationships behind her, and her past may sometimes overlap into her present life -- especially if she's still living in the same town.

    Look within yourself first before you go ending a relationship over something that might be in your head.
     
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  12. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    I know I have issues, I have told her them and I am trying to work through things that are my problem.
    I, personally, am a lesbian and could not sleep with a man because it just does not turn me on, i have had the opportunity but had no interest so I cannot understand how someone who says they are gay, can get turned on by someone of the opposite sex. I am not saying it can't or doesn't happen i just mean from who I am it's a complete no go.
    This is not the first time trust issues have arisen, several months ago When we were going out, her phone beeped, she asked me to read the message as she was driving when I did it was a filthy message from her brother in law, i knew he had been texting her frequently but had thought nothing of it until then. I told her I thought it was inappropriate and she agreed, she had deleted all previous texts so obviously my suspicion took over. She said he had been texting her like that for some time but she never stopped it so I asked her to speak with him. The messages were very explicit. After this She told me she asked him to stop but a few days later after a night out, I woke up and lifted her phone to check the time and there on her phone another message from the early hours asking if she was horny. This caused more conflict between us as I seen her lack of action as a disrespect to our relationship.
    She still has to see this man as he is married to her sister so goes to her house once a week for dinner, I don't like her being around him but i have accepted it as he is family.
    I feel I am trying to get over my issues and when I feel insecure I deal with it in my way as I know it will pass but she pushes and pushes me and it all comes out and in the wrong way.
    I don't think it's right for her to keep secrets from me, I don't think that is a healthy relationship.
    With regards our age difference, as personalities we are very compatible, we enjoy the same things, activities and both have a very similar sense of humour so when things between us are good they are very good. but I know our opinions, feelings are different because of my lack of life experience.
     
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  13. Queen

    Queen Member

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    You are very young so I'll try not to be harsh, sexuality can be a very fluid thing, just because you've never been sexually attracted to a man does not mean you never will, you may never choose to act on it, but it may happen. Simply because you, one single individual, cannot understand something does not invalidate the experience. Try to open up more and understand/realize there's a whole big flexible fluid world out there.

    As far as the BIL goes, unless she is sexting him back, this is on him. Family issues can be more bizarre than you can imagine, fear of losing her sister if she rocks the boat can be keeping her from taking the harsh steps she needs to to end that situation. Try some compassion.
     
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  14. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    I appreciate that and that is why I am asking for advice on here. For me, maybe because I'm young, things are black and white but i am trying to learn and deal with issues.
    I feel she could be more supportive in the effort i am making to make this relationship work as I have told her how I feel and I have said they are my issues and I will work through them.
    With regards her brother in law she was texting him back constantly, up until approximately 3am every weekend, while they were both drunk. I get she doesn't want to rock the boat with her sister but it hurts that she has to spend time with him. I can't understand why she felt the need to constantly text him back? If I was in that situation I would just stop replying.
     
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  15. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    The flip side of the coin is that she might be giving you MANY reasons to be insecure -- i.e. doing things to disrespect your relationship. If that is the case -- and she's stoking the fire, then you still need to reexamine your relationship. Maybe your insecurity isn't all your own fault if she's doing things like texting the BIL 'til 3am every weekend...

    As for everything being black and white -- knowing we're gay and acting on it are two different things. I came out in a time where society was much worse...and with parental pressures, I felt like the expectations were for me to live how they thought I should live. Good for you in knowing that you're gay and could never sleep with a man..but it doesn't make someone less of a lesbian if she's gone down that road.

    Maybe you're trying to force a relationship where one shouldn't be...between your insecurity, her actions with the BIL (there's such a thing as emotional cheating)...you need to really look at your relationship. Is it as solid as you think or are you in denial that this just might not be long term? None of us can answer these questions for you -- but seriously, her actions with the BIL in your last post...really raise a lot of issues for me.
     
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  16. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    Thanks for all the help, I think i know what I need to do about it as it just is not working and I don't want to feel this way.

    Plenty more fish in the sea as they say!
     
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  17. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So, I feel kind of confused. Why does her interest in guys freak you out?

    I'm queer, bisexual, Kinsey 4. I usually don't tell people (women or men) that right away, because they react the way you are reacting right now. I have never cheated on a partner, and I've never dumped a woman for a man, or a man for a woman. I've never desired a threesome, or gone through phases. Everything that makes people worried about bi women - that they are not really gay, that they're afraid to come out, that they're greedy and unreliable and prone to cheating - is basically made up, poor sample size, or self-fulfilling prophesy.

    So, you don't understand why she wanted to sleep with a man - after all, you never have! But honey, that's a pretty immature way to approach the world; I don't understand why anyone would want to transition genders, or seriously talk to Jesus, or be an investment banker, or never eat cheese again - and these are pretty serious desires that people build their whole lives around! Just because I've never had those desires or found those experiences rewarding doesn't mean they aren't, for friends (and former partners). Other people's desires are not invalid or wrong because I have not experienced them, and your girlfriend is not any less genuine about her feelings for you because she has a different history than you do you.

    This isn't theoretical; my wife is also a lesbian. She also has zero interest in sleeping with or being with men. She doesn't 100% love thinking about me sleeping with men... or with other women... or with anyone who isn't her. But I don't enjoy thinking about her with anyone else, and find some of her past partners unattractive or unappealing. It could make me insecure that she has been involved with and interested in people whose bodies and presentations are different than mine, but I also believe her when she tells me that she loves my body and presentation and personality. She could wig out that I've found male anatomy appealing, or she could enjoy what I think about her anatomy, and believe me when I say that I'm happy with her. It works.

    Generally, we are not the whole of our partners' identity or interest - just a piece of it, that they have decided they value enough to give up the rest of it. I like basses and redheads and nerds and bakers; I'm attracted to people who are tall, people who are muscular, people who are lanky in a boyband kind of way. I like dudes and queers and women in ties. Being in a (monogamous) relationship means giving up some of these things, because my wife is not all of them at once, and that's totally fine.

    I'm not sure you're the only problem here, as you seem to think, but I am sure that her maybe being bisexual is not the thing you should actually be concerned about, because bisexuality in a partner is not some kind of fatal flaw. You know what is? Poor boundaries around exes, getting drunk and behaving inappropriately with other humans (male or female), not being honest with you, and age difference that means you are basically at different stages of your lives. Those are problematic. Her potential sexuality is not.
     
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  18. Excalibur

    Excalibur Member

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    It's not that she is bisexual, it's trust issues, she told me that she is gay then things come to light and it seems now she has decised that she is bi, I want honesty and I don't get it.

    I want to be her priority and I clearly am not.
     
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    From several of your posts, I get the impression that you maybe using how she describes her sexuality as a litmus test for her truthfulness. But I want to caution you to Spygirl's first post about you being caught up with labels. As you have described more about your gf's actions, you really do have a lot of reasons not to trust her. But please, for anyone in your future, try to see how people act rather than how people label themselves. The labeling is not a good test because people can see themselves differently at any given time, or, some people don't really adhere to any labels and may just say something to mollify you if you insist on having an answer.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 2, 2015
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  20. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I get that you feel you've been lied to, but there are lots of reasons that a woman who is interested in both men and women might keep that to herself. I can think of two big ones.

    Lesbians (and straight men) are generally not comfortable with bisexual women; they refuse to date us, make obnoxious assumptions about our preferences and behaviors (you'll leave me for a man! you just have a crazy high sex drive - I can't keep up! I don't like to use a strap on that much, so....), and are really quick to freak out. I've been treated this way, and I've heard of plenty of other people be treated this way too; it only took a few stories before leading with, "yeah, and I'm bi!" seems like a bad idea. You can pretty easily see why queer ladies who keep their options open would default to "I'm gay!" or "I like women!" instead of opening this can of worms.

    A woman who is in her first gay relationship at the age of 46 (!) might also not know whether she is gay or bi. Were all her previous relationships just beards? Is her lesbian intensity just beginner's luck? Her describing herself as gay might have been perfectly honest at the time, and now that she has lived with that idea for a while she might be realizing that she also likes and has liked men, and that that's also a part of her. People's understanding of themselves changes over time, and that's fine; it's not lying to learn about yourself, and find new ways to describe your identities and attractions as you learn.
     
    #20
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