Insecure girlfriend

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Brittany565, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. Brittany565

    Brittany565 Member

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    I am an insecure girlfriend.

    I am the first girl my girlfriend has dated. I am a lesbian, I've known since I was young. When I met my girlfriend she was "straight" until she fell in love with me and I fell madly for her. She says she puts no label on herself but I am the first woman she's been with but also the first person she's really loved. We have an amazing relationship and we've been together for 8 months but I have crazy insecurities.
    I used to get mad when she'd talk about her exes (literally juat cause they're males) and I still find myself wishing I was a dude. I get really insecure because growing up I always fell for straight girls and got hurt and wished I was a male. And now I'm madly in love with a girl who used to only date guys. It's stupid for me to be insecure because she loves me for me and loves that I'm a female and only wants to be with me for the rest of my life.

    So how do I work on my mind and insecurity? I try to remind myself that it doesn't matter but aometimes I'll just cry about it on my own sometimes or I'll feel like punchinf a wall. The crazy thing is I know it's stupid for me to feel this way but it's insecurities and I wanna know how to work on it? Thanks
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Try counseling, seriously.

    You need to recognize that your own insecurity could be the one thing that might sabotage your relationship. You can't change the past -- your girlfriend dated other people who happened to be guys and you can't get jealous or insecure and take those feelings out on her because there's nothing she can do about it.

    You need to learn how to trust. If your girlfriend has given you absolutely no reason to distrust her, then your worries are entirely within your own head. A big turn off for me, personally, is insecure jealous people because I've found that insecurity and jealousy tend not to keep those we love close but to push those people away.

    I commend you for knowing this is an issue and trying to be proactive in taking efforts to resolve it. You may find out that your insecurity issues are deeper-rooted than your present girlfriend. At the same time, you might want to talk to your girlfriend and tell her that while you have these problems, you love her and are trying to work on your issues to help make your relationship stronger.

    Good luck.
     
    #2
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2016
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  3. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I agree, counseling. Please.
    If she really is a trustworthy person, and it sounds like she has not done anything to indicate that she is not (?), you are going to drive her away by being insecure, jealous, or distrustful.

    Have you dated women who have only been with other women? And if yes, do you still feel jealous/insecure over their past loves?

    Also, wishing you were a "dude" (your word, not mine), is a different issue than feeling insecure that your girlfriend has a past that involved "dudes." So, therapy may help you sort that out too.

    The fact that she has been with men does not make her more or less likely to be faithful to you. If she is a monogamous person, who believes in being faithful to the person she is in relationship with, then she is unlikely to cheat on you with a dude or a woman.

    Therapy may help you be able to own your anxieties and insecurities and come up with healthy ways to cope with them, rather than to act out in angry ways. If you understand yourself and accept yourself, you won't have such a hard time understanding why she loves you so much!
     
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  4. Brittany565

    Brittany565 Member

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    Thank you! I really appreciate it. I have talked to my girlfriend and she loves me no matter what and thinks talking to a counsellor would definitely help. I am definitely going to and I know I can get better! Thanks again :)
     
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  5. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    To be honest, if she's going to cheat it shouldn't matter if it's with a guy or a girl-what should matter is that she decided to cheat in a first place. That's why I personally cannot understand (more likely cannot accept) this fear leasbians have. "She's going to leave me for a dude" etc is basically bullshit.
    However, I must admit that I have wished to be a dude but the fact is-both you and me were born females and both of us identify as cis women. Also-there is not a woman in the world worth enough to make one actually proceed with such a huge step. Trans people are another topic (poor guys/girls don't have it easy so, kudos for being strong).
    Anyway-I really think that before you go & meet with a psychologist, perhaps talking with her would be a good idea; sit one night and explain to her how you really feel. Decide (both of you) to be completely honest and even if she one day changes her feelings towards you (let's be honest-feelings do change), I hope she comes up to you and be honest.

    I have been with lesbians who've had the same fear as you-what NOT to do is pressure her and make her feel like she's "constantly watched"-it is definitely a turn off and it's likely to actually break you two up instead of bonding you together... Give her some soace, let her talk with her exes and with other people too. I have also been cut off lesbians who see the world as "black & white only". If you're happy with her, then just be with her-we all have our exes and temptation is always around. Give her some trust. :)

    I will keep my fingers crossed for you two-from what I read it has great potential to grow into something even more serious :)
     
    #5
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  6. Brittany565

    Brittany565 Member

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    Thank you! Yes we have talked all about it and she says she loves me and that I need to realize the thoughts I have about thinking she would leave me are not reality. She said she also has had thoughts like that before when I've been out with my friends at a bar and that she just reminds herself that those bad thoughts are stupid.
    If anything again this has deepened our connection again but I know I still need to work on open communication and not shutting her out when I have bad thoughts!

    We love each other so much and our love is outweighing the stupid thoughts that cross our minds. I still think I would personally consider counselling for myself because I do think I have anger management/split personality sometimes.
     
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