inexperienced

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Slack, Nov 27, 2013.

  1. Slack

    Slack Member

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    Hi I'm 22 years old and I have no dating experience. I have a habit of pushing away anyone who likes me. I suffer from social anxiety. Recently I met this girl I really like and I'm sure she likes me as well. The problem is that she's a couple of years older than me and more experienced. My question is what do I do? The obvious thing is to ask her out right? Any words of wisdom are appreciated.
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations on getting ready to let someone in! That's a big deal.

    Bare bones advice: Yes, ask her out. When you like someone, letting them know is the next logical step, and dancing around it, feeling them out, playing games are all frustrating nonsense for both sides (though flirting is fun). "Hey, I'd like to buy you coffee and get to know you better. What do you say?" She will know, with her "experience," what to do with that, and if she is interested in you too she is going to help you out. Don't be embarrassed that you're new at this; if she likes you, she's going to find your awkwardness sweet (my now-fiancee bumped my teeth on our first kiss, she was so nervous; you better believe I let her try again).

    I hear, underneath your question, a whole pile of uncertainties. I always find the question of "experience" interesting. What concerns you? Your performance? Your emotional readiness? Your relationship resume? Because you are experienced - at knowing yourself, at living in your body, at dealing with your anxiety and the particular mix of feelings that has kept relationships from being a safe idea for you so far. The experience that you bring into dating with you is invaluable to the success of relationships with you. No, you may not have had relationships before, or have checked off the things that 22-year-olds are "supposed" to have checked off, but we all do that in our own time and in our own ways, and by being aware of what is new you can make sure to stay open and communicative about it.

    The experience that she brings - sexual, social, relational, whatever - will be useful, to a degree. But she is also inexperienced in being with you, at the particular mix of emotional and social and sexual support that will make you feel cared for (even in the flirting stage). I've been with girls who have a ton of "experience," and they've been awful partners and lovers, and I've been with relative newbies and they have been the best (in more ways than one). In the end, experience matters a lot less than intention.
     
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  3. Slack

    Slack Member

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    Thanks, you're absolutely right about her being inexperienced with me. I've noticed she's not quite sure how to approach me. So I went for it; I asked her out last night. We didn't set a date but she reacted positively and said we'll talk about it tomorrow. I'm going to try not to over think everything.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So glad to hear it!

    Just keep an open line of communication and a positive outlook - always assume that she's acting out of good impulses, even if she doesn't know exactly what to do - and it's going to be great.
     
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